Here at ScapeGoat Ink, rarely do we wander off the drunken path. We spend our time talking about booze, writing about booze, and drinking said booze. However, once in a while something outside of the alcohol-drenched realm will pique our interest, and when that happens we feel it our duty to share it with our readers.

        

        

Take a look in the liquor store's big case, wipe the frost off the glass, and take a gander at a big, black English bastard of a beer that wants to play a little game called toast or be toasted...

WEEK 37:

The Famous Taddy Porter

This nectar of the barley pours the color of a black hole. So black, in fact, that light cannot be seen through your pint glass with a 1,000-watt bulb when Taddy Porter is in there. One whiff and you will have a damn good idea what England's oldest pub smells like. The Famous Taddy Porter hails from Samuel Smith Old Brewery—the oldest in Yorkshire. The authentic porter was introduced in 1979 to echo the tastes of yesteryear when porter was the first commercially brewed beer, distributed by the train porters, for which the beer was named.

Enough history. The taste is a burnt chocolate malt that finishes with a bitter flavor that is the standard for porters. It's a filling beer that has so much chewy goodness it's almost a meal itself. With enough porter, you could subsist on beer alone for days at a time and be a happier person for it. If you're not sure if you like porters, try Taddy and you will know definitively if you're destined to be a fan or just afraid to be happy.

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God bless the English for their brew mastery. Even their sell-out, commercialized, cashing-in-for-a-buck beers stand up pretty well alongside the products of legions of micro-brewers. ScapeGoat Ink demands a round of applause for a wonderfully shameless and satisfying homage to comic genius.

WEEK 36:

Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale

Holy Grail Ale is another fantastic addition to the Black Sheep Brewery's growing line of winning brews. You can find it in single bottles—a full pint and then some. The beer earns the first of its bragging rights for a label styled after Terry Gillian's distinctive paper animation. From then on, it's more good things.

The dark golden pour carries a stiff head that froths up nicely and sticks around for a bit. Probably from being "tempered over burning witches" (it's true, read the label), there is a distinct flavor of roasted barely and nutty malt that fades nicely. The flavor is memorable, but not dominating, allowing you the pleasure of drinking it without that persistent and pretentious idea that you must be consciously "tasting" the beer to truly appreciate it. In fact, you can appreciate it all night, in great quantities, and still continue to taste it without trying. That's true drinkability (for all you Bud Light-weights).

I can honestly say, after a night with Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale, my thirst for a quality beer was no more. It had been quenched. It had ceased to be. It had stopped, ended, come to a close, desisted, faded, wandered off...

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WEEK 35:

        

        

This week's choice is a German blond. She's tall, dignified, and she wont sell you out to the Gestapo and goosestep over your lifeless body on the way to a new Aryan world. How's that for loyalty?

WEEK 33:

Reissdorf kolsch
You can find her in 16.9 fl. oz. bottles—not a bad start. Mine had a metallic flavor that emerged as sour fruit. It sounds strange, but the taste actually works. The beer is crisp, light, and coats your mouth with a pleasantly hoppy flavor you wouldn't expect from a brew with so fair an appearance.

Hans warns "Beware Germans...unless they're carbonated." If you plan to drink from a boot and you don't want to lose your wurst, you'll want to lean to the lighter side of brews. But why sacrifice that delicious Oktoberfest flavor in favor of a weak, watered-down beer you'd find on tap at any Yankee watering hole? You can do better. You can drink Reissdorf kolsch. If that's not reason enough to chug a mug of Reissdorf kolsch, we have it on good authority that Hitler hated it. You're not like Hitler...are you?

Prost!
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This week's beer hails from England and is touted as the "Cream of Manchester."  Here in America, we call it alcoholic milk. Trust me; it tastes a million times better than it sounds. 

WEEK 32:

Boddingtons Pub Ale

I bought the pint-size Boddingtons cans, which utilize the same device, termed a widget, originally patented by the Guinness Brewing Company. The widget is essentially a hollow plastic sphere with a small hole in one side, which helps maintain the characteristics of the beer's head. It wasn't surprising that this brew pours like a Guinness, but instead of the tan head and the deep, dark mocha color it's replaced by a creamy blonde and topped with a white head. There was nothing too defining in the smell, outside of a hint of hops that would reveal the amazing flavors that would follow. This tall, beautiful blonde is so smooth that it goes down almost too easy. There's a tad sweetness with a minor smokiness. With each sip it's like a step closer to an authentic English pub. You can almost hear the Footy blaring in the background, competing for the patron's attention, amidst the cheers and team songs rattling off the walls. I could drink these all night; however, if you're buying the cans they're sold in a 4-pack and they're a little pricey. However, with a full-bodied beer this smooth, its well worth it. The Irish may have Guinness, but the English have Boddingtons, and tonight I'm going blonde. Cheers!

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The Japanese could teach you to crack a board with your head, make delicious booze out of rice, and NOT cook fish perfectly. But the Japanese can't teach you to make good beer. They just can't do it.

WEEK 31:

Asahi Super Dry
It says right there on the can that it's "Japan's No. 1 Beer". This is a dubious accolade, like being tall for...well, for a Japanese person. The Japanese are not known for their beer. For good or for bad, it is a big can. At 33.8 fl. oz., it's nearly three cans of your average light beer put together in a silver cylinder standing as tall as a bottle—8 inches high, and more than enough room for a gifted limbo-man to clear the pole. First pour gives you a bigger head than Charlie Brown, and with as much staying power. (Terrible, I know. Did I mention it's three beers large? Aside from the size, however, the sight, sound, and aroma of the beer offer nothing special to the senses. It's just a beer. Asahi supposedly has a 40% share of the beer market in Japan. You could infer that it's popular, therefore it's good, but more than likely it's the biggest producer, therefore the cheapest, therefore the most easy to come by.

Asahi boasts to be "the beer for all seasons" but generally a beer for all seasons is a beer with no season...is a beer with no character. You can drink a lot of Asahi and feel pretty good doing it, but it's not about the flavor, it's about the end game—getting loaded—in which case, it matters not at all what kind you're swilling. If that's your plan, I recommend Asahi. If you're looking for something special in your beer, keep looking.
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Here at ScapeGoat Ink, when we find something we like, we stick with it. When we had our first booze experience, we fell in love and we've been functioning alcoholics ever since. Just kidding. Well, sort of. Our love of booze is the reason for our website and for this very blog, which is why even though we've written about this brewery before, we had to write about another one of there beers because they're just so damn good at what they do.  

WEEK 30:
Leinenkugel's Creamy Dark Lager


Upon first pour this beer doesn't appear to be that dark or creamy. Instead it has more of a reddish chestnut color with a decent cap of foam. The smell isn't that revealing either, perhaps a caramelized, nutty hint, but nothing overpowering. This beer is like on a blind date where the only description's supplied of the person you're meeting do not immediately appear true. However, as the night progresses you realize that perhaps you were being a little judgmental. So what if her chest size was a little off? And, who cares if her Adam's apple is twice the size of yours. Big deal, right? Cindy, I'm sorry. Call me? I'm so alone. Anyway, this beer has a great combination of flavors, with a chocolate, malty, slightly fruity, and a roasted nutty zest rounding it out. Are there better lagers out there? Yes, but we appreciate a brewery that knows good beer, and doesn't gut you on the price. Leinenkugel's, keep on keepin' on!
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I've said before and I'll say it again: At ScapeGoat Ink, we are big fans of the single beers. They don't need a group of friends to look sexy. They don't go to the bathroom in groups. They don't do a hilarious third comparison to women that I can't think of at the moment. This week's choice was indeed a loner—the last of her kind in the refrigerated case. Dressed in cream, tall, blond, cold, and Lithuanian. Lithuanians are sexy. I have never met anyone from Lithuania who isn't. I defy you to produce one and send her to our P.O. Box immediately.

WEEK 29:

Svyturys Ekstra (Go ahead and try to pronounce that. You'll go blond just trying.)
Mine was a can, built tough, but alluring just the same. The pour produced a huge, frothy white top with a lot of staying power—much like Betty White. Does she ever get old? Would we ever miss a Golden Girls marathon? Did I just say that out loud? Anyway, the color is paler than a urine sample. First taste is as if nothing at all is in your mouth—the only sense is one of refreshment, pure and cold, like winter tap water. You don't really taste much until after you swallow (insert joke here...and only joke) then, with the pop of every last delightful carbonated bubble, the flavor of lemon and hops bursts forth in a wonderful celebration of your first sip. And then it keeps going. Like a great fireworks finale dragged out with the feeble waving of sparklers, the flavor of Svyturys Ekstra turns corny, with a strange vegetable flavor. Eventually, the new-and-improved-healthy-french-fry taste dissipates and you'll get thirsty again. So why not?

Overall, it's a pretty unimpressive flavor. Except for the 5.2% abv, you'd hardly be able to distinguish Svyturys Ekstra from any domestic beer without absolute focus, so I don't reccomend paying the import price for a single bottle (only about a buck and a half, but still). The aftertaste lessened with each sip but the head remained in fractured lumps, like cottage cheese bits floating. Still, I could see putting away several of these beers with some stuffed potato or an attractive Lithuanian girl on my lap. Then again, I'd do whatever she told me to do anyway.
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I was grocery shopping the other day, when I found myself wandering into the booze aisle with an empty cart. This is a remedy for disaster (and by disaster, I really mean glorious shopping trip). I was like a kid in a candy store. I was pulling things off the shelf left and right. Although, unlike a child I was unsupervised and therefore did not have someone running behind me reshelving my greedy decisions. For the most part, this is a good thing. For this week's beer, it is not. 

WEEK 28:

Bell's Amber Lager



Let me first say that the reason I purchased this beer was because the box urges its drinkers to "decant to serve." I've personally never seen a beer instruct that, which alone intrigued me enough to buy it. I assumed that a beer that makes a statement like that, holds itself in high regards, and must be extremely flavorful and pretty tasty. Then things started to roll. I was going to purchase this beer, test it, enjoy it, and then hopefully write good things about it. Hell, I was even planning out the hooks for this blog, like using THIS song to introduce it. Right? How cool would that have been? All right, I know it wouldn't have been that cool. I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks, Bell's, for ruining what could have potentially been a really sweet blog entry about a pretty good beer. Way to drop the ball. Now instead I have to write very blah things about your amber ale because that is the only thing that I got out of it. I can't believe I put you in my mouth. For shame!! 

This brew pours out in an orangish hue, with little to no aroma. Foreshadowing, perhaps? The presentation isn't very impressive. I felt like this beer was masquerading around as something better than it actually is. Wait, I think I can pinpoint why I feel that way. This beer tastes like a pale ale, pours like a lager, and smells like a light beer. First sip: light on flavor, but high on after taste. Did I not decant you long enough? What the flip? The bitter after taste mellows out after about half the brew is gone, but by then I've already decided I will not be drinking this again. Crap, I bought a sixer. Does anyone want to come over and hang out? I'll put on a little Anita Ward, we'll mellow out, and have a few really good brews (it's got to be good, it says "decant to serve" on the label). No? OK. Then can I come over instead and drink some of your beer? I can still bring the music, if you want? No? Can I call you? Ok, you call me, then.
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I admit it: The label was a magnet to my eyes. Red calligraphy on a green field, majestically lined in gold, and dead center (also in gold) a ram perched regally on a red staircase like some sentinel at the gates to a glorious underworld of beer. The goat reminded me of the fearless mascot-logo of some famous T-shirt company...

WEEK 27:

Original Stieglbock

The aroma of Stieglbock is overwhelmingly molasses. The color? For anyone who has ever had a bad hangover—I mean a BAAAD hangover—the color is reminiscent of urine when you're so dehydrated that the very act of voiding your bladder painfully shrinks your innards. As the frothy head dissipates in your glass, it only adds to this less-than-alluring likeness. Still, if Hans has taught us anything, it is that appearances can be deceiving. (Except with him. Hans is actually more handsome and interesting than his impressively charming physique and brooding eyes would lead you to believe.)

As I understand it, this is a bottom-fermenting brew from barely malt. It's brewed in Austria around August. Subsequently the taste and abc will vary from year to year. For a first-timer, after a bad first impression the taste actually seems to evolve in your mouth. It tastes like a tadpole or some primordial ooze that transforms into a rich, silky griffin—in your mouth. The beer looked awful. It smelled strangely. In the end, like the prim librarian who took off her glasses and shook out her bun, Stieglbock turns sexy right before your eyes. So sexy, in fact, that you get possessive and afraid she doesn't like you as much as you like her. You keep asking for reassurance even though you shouldn't, knowing your voice has that whiny, pleading sound that's starting to annoy her. Before long, you drain her and you're left cradling an empty bottle, sobbing and asking "Why?"  Still, if you could do it all over again...you would. Cheers.
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Reason to Drink #3 (of...)

Pumpkin carving with little kids is among the most aggravating pastimes. It's babysitting with a bigger mess. They can't handle knives, so you have to do the cutting. They lack the wrist strength to dig out all the gushy pulp, so you have to finish it up for them. And they definitely don't appreciate your risque homages to mud flap art. It's safe to say that kids suck the fun right our of an otherwise satisfying evening of gourd sculpting.

There is only one way to survive the ordeal: you drink. Have a few ciders, maybe a Hot Toddy, then a bourbon or two. Whatever your drink of choice, make sure you have plenty. It's not only an opportunity for alcohol, it necessitates it. After a few, not only will you care less about the rank, rotting pumpkin innards stringing from the ceiling fan, you might get a little creative yourself. Cheers. And Happy Halloween from ScapeGoat Ink!

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You can try your hand at sixers, take a chance on twelvers, and pilfer pours from any number of new beers from a party keg. But it takes an adventurous drinker to lay it all on the line for one of those bottles in the big case of lonely singles. They don't paw at the glass and mug for you like a cage of puppies, begging for attention. Instead, they stand apart, solidly—almost regally—seemingly indifferent to your passing gaze, but silently willing you to take each one of them home. How can you resist the temptation?

WEEK 25:

Matilda: Belgian Style Ale

Another winner by Goose Island. (Favoritism? Maybe. Or it could just be Chicago corruption for you.) This big, bad lady comes in a 1-pint 6-ounce bottle of deliciousness and wears her 7% abc rather discreetly for such a big woman. Matilda's honey colored pour does wonderful things to decorate a mug (the label recommends a wine glass, but why?!) sporting a white, fluffy head that fades VERY fast. The smell is so sweet and fruity that you adapt your expectations to those of a wine cooler, expecting the taste to be about the same. Ah, but what a pleasant surprise! The flavor is dry, light,with caramel malts. It that butterscotch? Let the experts decide. You just keep on drinking.

At no point are you overwhelmed by a single part of the drinking experience. The sight, smell, taste, (and even sound) all blend from start to finish into a singular experience so seamless as to be overlooked and undervalued entirely by anyone predisposed to a night of simply drinking. And how drinkable it is.That said, Matilda serves both types: the tasters and the drinkers.With something for both parties, I'd easy to see that this one rank shigh. Hans likes. Hans recommends. Do like Hans. (The ladies do.) Cheers!
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Coming in at an impressive 1 pint, 6 ounces is an untested bottle sized to start the biggest bar fight in the history of man. A glass hammer to rival a middleweight Champagne bottle, here it is, the Big Beer Series feature of the week, brought to you by The Brew Crew at Arcadia Ales...

Week 23:

Cocoa Loco

At first cap, wafting from the bottle is a light odor of sour chocolate milk and molasses in this, the darkest of stouts. When poured, this king beer is crowed with a toasted cappuccino colored head that, sadly, dissipates quickly. At a ridiculously high 7% abc, and throned in a ridiculously large bottle, Cocoa Loco commands a ridiculous commitment of the wallet, retailing for around $7. It is, however, an impressive way to start an evening.

Known by its makers as "The Triple Chocolate Milk Stout", this beer is so thick as to be almost chewy, with a bitterness that crowds your mouth, coating your tongue with a blanket of bitter molasses and leaving the roof of the mouth with a flavor of burnt, unsweetened fudge. Once swallowed, though, you realize how light (too light, maybe?) and drinkable this beer really is. Tasting this giant is a novel experience, to say the least. With a roasted, toasted, burnt, bitter flavor, this beer will man up a variety of desserts. Like coffee is to pie, this big boy brew will make a perfect complement to a rich, creamy cheesecake—and it is highly recommended that you do exactly that. Girly man. Cheers!
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The number of times this beer has changed hands from one brewery to the next reads like a mix between an updated take on the classic novel Oliver Twist, and the life of a Tijuana Hooker, but instead of orphaned boys and hookers, we're talking about breweries. I will not waste your time by detailing the long list of Breweries who have acquired Hamm's, if you're curious, check it out here. Miller Brewing Company acquired this brew in 1999, but in mid-2008 Miller and Coors Breweries merged as one becoming (drum roll. please!) MillerCoors Brewery, unique, I know. I for one, just discovered this beer a few weeks ago. It was tucked away on a shelf, collecting a fine layer of neglect. I took pity on this beer, since I'd never even heard of it, and instantly wanted to find out more about this lonely six pack. After discovering what this beer had been through since its inception in 1865 in Saint Paul, Minnesota, I couldn't help but want to give it a new home in my fridge. Upon further inspection it was brought to my attention that in mid-2007 this lonely brew gained some notoriety when it made an appearance in Quentin Tarantino's film, Death Proof. This supposed no-name beer is a flippin' movie star, how could I not try it? 

        

I've always had a fondness for the underdog. There's something amazing about a no-namer who fights their way to the top and emerges triumphant. It's easy to root for the sure win, but it takes balls to put your money on the underdog. Besides, it makes for some hella good entertainment. I'm mean look at history: David vs. Goliath; Braddock vs. Baer; Seabiscuit vs. War Admiral; Lincoln Hawk vs. the Las Vegas Arm Wrestling Confederation; Rocky vs. Apollo Creed; Rocky vs. Apollo Creed II; Rocky vs. Mr. T; Rocky vs. Captain Ivan Drago; Rocky vs. too many bills; Rocky vs. Old age; Big breweries vs. micro breweries. As the Austin, Texas based band, Spoon so eloquently put it in their aptly named song, Underdog, "You got no fear of The Underdog, that's why you will not survive." Oddly enough, the beer we're featuring this week is from good ol' Texas too. Spoetzl Brewery, based in Shiner, Texas (population 2,070) has been in the business of making beer for a century. They've been doing this for a hundred years and this is the first time I've heard of them? If they've been able to last this long without going bankrupt, selling out, and continuing to fly under the radar than they must be doing something right. 

WEEK 21:

Shiner Bock 


It's got a beautiful amber color when poured in a pint glass, with almost no head. It has a very light flavor, but it starts to evolve in your mouth the more you drink it. And any beer that leads me to drinking more beer is a winner in my book. It's obvious that this is a brewery that takes pride in what they do and it shows in a well made product. Keep up the good work fellas, maybe in a hundred more years you'll be dominating the beer world, but until then I'll just enjoy the fact that you're not over priced nor have you sold out to some foreigners while trying to maintain that you're still "American made." Yeah, I'm talking about you Anheuser Busch. What are you going to do, throw a wooden shoe at me? Cheers! 

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The label art of this week's beer suits a comic-booker, with a look of some super hero-inspired swill that is eye-catching, to say the least. The name suits as uneventful night—like a night in, playing wii bowling...probably alone. The taste? The taste is something to remember...

WEEK 20:

Ten Pin Porter

The folks at Ska Brewing Company have created something special with their Ten Pin Porter. The aroma is decidedly malty, with a hint of caramel and a chocolaty molasses that is detectable in the freshly uncapped vapors snaking from the bottle. To take a good whiff of this one is almost as flavorful as an actual taste. Almost.

This one is a dark porter—black as night—with a lot of malty flavor. Just the same, it goes down smoothly and easily, with a bitter aftertaste that is very, very welcome. While this beer—or any porter for that matter—will dry your mouth out after more than a few bottles, it's not likely to happen prematurely (even with a healthy 5.5% abc) and when it does, you won't care much about it anyway. All in all, it's packaged like a boyhood fantasy, but this robust porter is brewed for a man's man who enjoys his malted barely, thus earning the Hans "Goatman" Stamp of Approval. That means Ten Pin Porter comes highly recommended, my friends. Highly recommended indeed.
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I'll admit, sometimes I'm a sucker for advertisements. Now, when I see a badass car commercial, I do not immediately run out and buy it, mainly because I don't have $30,000 lying around, but I probably would if I did. However, if I see a product that is marketed well, or one that catches my eye, I'll make a mental note and do a little research to see what that company is all about. That just happens to be the case with this week's beer. Redhook Brewery, based in New Hampshire, has a few beers that piqued my interest. I went to their website and I liked what I saw. These guys seem to have a good sense of humor, which is well appreciated among beer drinkers (at least the ones I'd want to hang and drink with), so I picked up a sixer to test their beer making skills.

WEEK 19:

Long Hammer
India Pale Ale



I know what you're thinking, it's already been exposed that IPA isn't our #1 beer of choice. But, how can we proclaim to be beer lovers if we're not willing to broaden our horizons every once in a while. Now let me just say this, after downing a bottle I feel like I was slightly duped by false advertisement. I neither grew longer, nor did I get hammered. I'm kidding, as usual the first sip was good, but then the aftertaste emerged and slightly ruined the clean, crisp flavor for me. Although once I got through half the bottle the flavors started to even out and the aftertaste seemed to blend in with the rest of the flavors rather than overpower them. Again, IPA seems to be the route to take if you want a lighter beer with a high ABV (6.5%), whereas a standard light beer will only provide between 3%-4%. This particular beer did not convert me to an IPA lover, but I'm slowly starting to understand the appeal. Plus, the back story (according to the Redhook Brewery's Website) to why British brewers started making IPA in the first place is pretty badass, too. I assure this will not be the last post you see about Redhook Brewery, they've caught my attention, now it's time to explore. By the way, there is a really awesome company called ScapeGoat Ink that has a fantastic assortment of funny and comfortable t-shirts that will both make you grow longer and get you hammered quicker*. You should totally check it out, sweet blog reader, you'll love it.

*This is in no way true, but it made you laugh a little, right? Check out the site below, if nothing more than out of pity. 
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When you're looking in the cold beer aisle, you can select from cases of popular twelve-packs, a more diverse selection of sixers, or take a chance on that narrow wall of large, elite, single beers. More often than not, the reason they stand alone is the high price—high enough that they each might be prohibitively expensive as a six-pack. Golden Pheasant, however, is so reasonably priced as a 16-ounce bottle that it is ALSO available as a sixer of 12 ounce bottles that won't rob your wallet.

WEEK 18:
Golden Pheasant

You can take a chance on a six-pack of something new, of course, but if you hate it, what then? You have to force it on your guests until it's gone or choke it down yourself, hating every miserable sip. With Golden Pheasant, on the other hand, you can wet your whistle with a reasonably priced 16-ounce single (less than $2) and come back for a whole six pack (to share or to hoard selfishly) when you discover you're a fan.

On the lighter side of lagers, Golden Pheasant has the color and pour of a Pilsner without the sharp, "skunked" flavor denounced by detractors. The initial bitterness is immediately washed away by a refreshingly light and traditional Eastern European flavor that can only be described as infinitely chuggable. It works as a compliment to any heavy meal and especially as an after-dinner drink to free a full belly for a night of liquid refreshment. If you're a fan of the Polish Okicim beer, give Golden Pheasant a try. You won' regret it.

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Let me just lead off by saying that I love the Dundee Brewing Co., based in Rochester, New York. Perhaps that makes me a little biased when it comes to their beer, but they make it so damn hard to not like them. Not only do they have a great assortment of delicious beers, but they are one of the few companies that put as much effort into the way their beers taste as they do in its presentation. Honestly, the only reason I picked up a case of their beer in the first place was because of its label. The artwork is so simplistic, yet it's poster-worthy. And the writing on the back label has a great conversational tone that draws you in and immediately makes you appreciate what these guys are doing. However, as young Indy was told in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (before Lucas and Spielberg crapped all over their legacy), "you lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it." 

WEEK 17:

Dundee's India Pale Ale



Before I start off I should make it known that I've never been a huge fan of pale ales, India or otherwise. Dundee's came close to making me see the appeal, but still, even they fell short. It was bitter as a good IPA is, but it seemed to be light on flavor, yet heavy on after taste. It was good upon the first sip, but then with each following sip the after taste started to overwhelm the overall flavor to the point where I couldn't tell which flavors were which. The one thing that I did appreciate, besides the label, was the high alcohol content, which was a stellar 6.3%. Not too shabby. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad beer; it's just not my cup of tea. If you love IPA's then this may be the very beer for you. But, if you're not an IPA drinker, then this beer probably won't be the one to convert you. I prefer a more robust beer than what an IPA can offer, but I'll keep drinking them until I find the one that I like. Cheers!

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Beer drinkers should never drink alone. There are two kinds of beer drinkers: Beer advocates—taste-bud adventurers, even—who are willing to try anything in the land of hops and barley. And then there are beer pansies. They don't even like beer. They claim to prefer harder alcohol (provided it's mixed with something sweet.) They prefer a "simple" beer that's about speed of drinkability rather than the sublime enjoyment of it. It is a necessity of the social drinker to be able to recruit new companions to trek with him beyond the watery wasteland of mainstream beers. Such times call for the appropriate bait. To lure the uninitiated away from the fruity coolers to the darkest and most bitter regions of beer requires a subtle bait, something light and fruity to get them hooked and leave them wondering what else they've been missing. Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat is just such a beer.

WEEK 16:

Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat

It's not great. It's not terrible. It's not likely to become the choice of true beer adventurers, but certainly worth a try. It is, however, a great bridge for those who prefer vodka mixes, sweet wines, and hard lemonades. Sunset Wheat has a strong, lingering flavor of citrus that ends with only the faintest bitterness of hopes, leaving a fruity sweetness in your mouth—for longer than preferred. It's another of those beers intended to be garnished with an orange and served in a tall glass. While it's 4.9% ABC lends a more-than-adequate kind to this fruity brew, it's sweetness is likely to be a turn off to anyone who prefers dark, bitter beers.

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Samuel Adams, or Sam Adams, as there close friends call them, is a solid brewing company based in Boston, which was founded by Jim Koch around 25 years ago. Why did he start this glorious company? Because, "He believed that Americans deserved a better beer." I believe they've done that consistently since the mid-80's and it appears they're only getting better.

WEEK 15:

Blackberry Witbier


Now, some of you may be thinking that any beer with a type of fruit in the name is a sissy drink, but I assure you there is nothing fruity or effeminate about this beer. Besides, according to Sam Adams' website the blackberries they use for this particular beer are located at the foot of the Oregon Trail. Um, those berries sound pretty badass to me. I mean they'd have to be to have survived measles, snakebites, and dysentery, at the Oregon Trail. Classic video games aside, this beer has a nice orangish hue when poured into a pint glass and it looks slightly cloudy. However, that's because it is a "Witbier," which essentially means it's a Belgian-style ale with, usually, but not limited to, high levels of unfiltered wheat that can cause a murky or cloudiness in the beer. This particular brand has a slight sweet and tart flavor that plays off of each other nicely to make it taste crisp and clean. I give this beer two thumbs up and one drunken smile. Cheers!

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Budweiser has become a household name. Travel anywhere in the U.S., or even the world for that matter, and chances are where beer is served, you'll find one of the many icey cold spawns of Anheuser-Busch. The brewery has been attached to some of the largest sporting events, from the Olympics to the Super Bowl. And, they've had some of the greatest and most memorable ad campaigns and commercials of all time. Hell, ask a random person to name a type of horse and I'm sure they'd stumble looking for an immediate answer, but ask them who the Anheuser-Busch mascot is and they'll answer Clydesdale without even thinking. Well, it's time to put America's beer to the test.

        

This entry works as a double category, really: a new beer highlighted and ScapeGoat Ink's Reasons to Drink.

WEEK 13:

LandShark Lager

My first taste of Jimmy Buffet's LandShark Lager was from a bottle served sans label in attempt to acquire from me an unbiased review of the new brew in my hand. My host was well aware of my affinity for Jimmy Buffett's music and wanted an honest, uncompromised evaluation.

I won't say I hated it at first sip, though I would learn to very soon. I was wholly unimpressed, however, and immediately attempted to discern my host's reasons for forced anonymity. It had the flavor of an amateur home brew, so I checked the bottom of the clear bottle for sediment to get a better handle on exactly why this beer was so unimpressive. Not that sediment is a bad thing—it's an element common in very fine bottles of micro brew. However, sediment in a bad, unlabeled bottle is math I can't ignore and the call sign of the unskilled beer maker. Only when I looked closer at the bottle and identified an image of a raised shark fin molded into the glass did I make the connection. Fins. Shark. Land shark. Jimmy Buffett. All at once, I very much hated this beer. I could no longer evaluate its flavor. It is priced as a premium lager, but with a muddy flavor on par with a can of Bud Light left in the sun.

Among rebel icons who have long since gone commercial, Jimmy Buffett is fast approaching the "Krusty the Klown" status of sell-outs. Don't get me wrong—I love listening to Jimmy Buffett more than any other musician when relaxing with a frosty brew, at any time of year. His music represents a place, a state of mind, more than any artistic contribution of lyric or melody that will transcend time. However, the creators of the Church of Buffett, Orthodox, are definitely onto something—even to hardcore fans it's hard to ignore that Buffett has been headed south for some time now.

So the guy put his name on a bad beer. So what? This is not something I would typically take issue with, were it not for the fact that Jimmy continues to put his bad name on bad products while continuing to make music that lambasts rich, old, white men and their greed as the source of the world's ills. That's just a bit too duplicitous for my taste. When you put your name on a crappy restaurant chain, an ever-expanding line of marginal alcohols, and you charge $130 for a concert set comprised mostly of cover songs, you can no longer point finders at rich, old white men on the take without sounding more than a little disingenuous. I'm sorry, Jimmy, but you are no longer a rebellious 30-something calling out "the man" for is misdeeds against humanity. You own a seaplane now. You ARE the man. Be whoever you want to be, but it's time to own up. You are a capitalist (God bless you) and royalty in the court of exploitation who refuses to acknowledge his new status. And your beer sucks.

So now I find myself feeling morose, saddened by my champion of sunny-day soundtracks. That's a reason to drink if ever I had one. But get me another beer. I can't drink this Land Shark Lager anymore.

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The current economic status of the day precludes the average Joe from taking an above-average vacation to the islands. Adapting to these belt-tightening times, ScapeGoat Ink has found an affordable alternative to that Jamaican vacation you’ve been craving.

WEEK 12:

Red Stripe
Despite various other reviews describing it as an ale or pilsner, Red Stripe is in fact a lager and something of a worldly beer, brewed from Yakima Valley (USA) hops, European Malt, and water from the island’s Liguanea alluvium aquifer. First born in 1928, Red Stripe's brewers have maintained the recipe perfected in 1934 despite various owners through the years. The distinctive painted-on label and deceptive squat brown bottle marked “350ml” may give you the initial impression that you are being swindled out of some much needed liquid refreshment. Fear not, we confirmed the math and Red Stripe still holds 12fluid ounces. Plus, the 4.7% alcohol by volume greatly increases the value of this beer’s contribution to your mental vacation time.

Admittedly, Red Stripe is not big on flavor. It is however,part of a family of summertime swills that are light, refreshing, and perfect for drinking in the hottest sun—provided you have an icy cooler handy. We are also in agreement that to drink this creation from a glass would diminish your experience. And what’s cooler than being cool? Red Stripe also has been known to sponsor the ice-cold Jamaican bobsled team.
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Generally we don't like in your face advertisement, or brash claims about being the "Best Around," unless you're referencing Karate Kid, then we love it and wholeheartedly agree with it. However, this week's featured beer seems to be too confident, especially with all the claims the bottle's label makes about it, for us not to try it. 

WEEK 11:

Dortmunder Gold




With a huge gold medal featured as the prominent image, the label boasts, "Our Dortmunder Gold is a consistent gold medalist and a balanced golden lager (do you see a pattern forming?). In the Middle Ages, this style brewed in Germany was so popular it required armed escorts when exported to surrounding towns. As you can see, this beer was and still is as good as gold!" Man, this label is drenched in arrogance. Then we went to the Great Lakes Brewing Company 's website, which is based in Cleveland, Ohio, to discover that this beer's claims are all but true, winning the gold medal at the World Beer Championships (sounds pretty awesome, doesn't it?) 9 times out of the last 11 years, with one silver tossed in there. Not too shabby, eh?

The Verdict:
This beer has a deep golden, almost orange, hue to it with a light head. It's amazingly flavorful, but not too dry or malty as the pales and the lagers tend to be. I hate to use this cliché, but this beer struck gold. It's one of those brews that one could potentially develop a taste for anytime of the year and it would go well with any season. It's versatile and although it passes itself off as a full-bodied, flavorful, yet light beer for the summertime, I'll be drinking this (5.8 percent % ALC./VOL.) brew all year long.

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Summer is a time for being outside as often as possible, toasting as often as you can, and wearing as little as possible. In the interest of taking it all off, why not try a beer that’s tastefully approaching the calorie equivalent of the Full Monty?

WEEK 10:

Skinny Dip

New Belgium brewery, most famous for their delicious and esoteric Fat Tire Amber Ale, has created a lightweight, seasonal brew that's clearly worth a taste, if only because of the much-deserved fame of its predecessor. Here’s the skinny: first taste, you’ll think if the color green. I’m not entirely sure why, but it may be that this beer’s got more hops than a pogo stick. (Insert rim shot here.)

Overall, the taste is pure and clean, but arguable lacking a more full-bodied flavor, due to the fact that it’s an effort made entirely for the low-calorie crowd. Health-conscious and light-headed, Skinny Dip is much like that tan, ditzy resident of beach destinations: Blonde-topped and tan, curvy and beautiful, but not a whole lot beyond that. And like the girl, Skinny Dip can only be a seasonal interest, and one that likely leaves you with a feeling of regret. This has more taste than your average ultra-low-cal alcoholic beverage, but that’s a lot like being awarded “Tastiest Brand Muffin.” If you’re looking for a better sip than Michelob Ultra, but you’re still calorie-conscious, this is the beer you've been waiting for. But ScapeGoat Ink begs the question: If you’re drinking beer with the interest of maintaining your figure, how much are you really enjoying it?

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While I was walking through the aisle looking for something to quench my thirst I noticed this sexy little Belgian beer, neatly wrapped in golden foil. I was intrigued, so I went in for a closer look. The back label beckoned me to "Savor the Mystery of the Ages," so I decided I would do just that.

WEEK 9:

Leffe Blonde Belgian Ale


According to the back label of this award-winning brew it is "best served in its own chalice-shaped glass." Since I was all out of those I went with the standard pint glass. Upon undressing the beer and toppling it over in my glass I was met with an interesting array of smells. It was slightly yeasty with a hint of citrus and another smell I couldn't quite detect. I decided to smell it with my mouth this time. It was a success. The ingredient I couldn't detect with my nose was in fact the dominating flavor in this brew—clover. It's an interesting combination, plus it's great when you're looking for something a little on the light side, but not so light it's lacking in flavor. And, with a BAC of 6.6% you're definitely getting your money's worth, if you know what I mean. Well, Belgium, you've done it again. Kudos!
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Marketing is a silent, ever-present army that encroaches on your peace and quiet, infiltrates an increasing number of daily activities, and permeates your very soul. Commercials were once reserved for sponsors to congratulate themselves for bringing you a particular variety show or to fill a necessary void with the latest tonic like an emcee might have proffered during a costume change in a stage play. Then the "commercial break" was worked into the flow of programming until shows revolved around them—even interrupting games and live shows to accommodate them. Now we watch “Best of” or “Most Outrageous” commercial compilations instead of actual original programming, and on some channels (read TBS = bastards) we have to endure regular interruptions of animated text and images DURING the very program itself.

But every now and then, a commercial serves to spread the word about a lesser to unknown artist, musician, actor, or director by propping up an advertisement on their shoulders. Then Google and YouTube get a buzz from countless people wanting to know “who was that?” Thanks to Bacardi, more than ever know about Matt and Kim:
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Seasonal beers aren’t simply a marketing ploy to sell beers like Hallmark has been doing for years with its ever-expanding calendar of holidays. Beer makers know beer lovers, and certain seasons call for certain flavors. Never is the light citrus-oriented flavor of a summer Weis, Wheat, or Ale in more demand that these hot months. Don’t believe it? Try chugging a Guinness in the August heat and tell us how it went.

WEEK 8:

Honey Moon Summer Ale

Available only from May to mid-August, Blue Moon’s Honey Moon Summer Ale is a golden brew with a welcome dryness punctuated by the thirst-quenching sweetness of honey and orange peel. With an ABV of 5.6% it’s a drink that has the ability to “sneak up on you,” especially in the hot sun, but it’s the perfect compliment to a cold deli sandwich which would help combat the effects.

Like regular Blue Moon, Honey Moon’s flavor allows for an orange slice to garnish. Purists argue that fruit in a beer is as welcome as sand in a sandwich—and we will be the first to admit it’s not a necessity in enhancing the taste of this particular Summer Ale—but sometimes a little slice or wedge of citrus makes an ordinary beer into a specialty cocktail, and makes you feel like royalty. Let’s face it—it’s the little things that make an ordinary day a memorable one.
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Drinking is an exercise. Inasmuch as one needs to do lap after lap in the pool to strip away extraneous movements and discover an absolute rhythm and economy of movement, one must indulge in the drink with some regularity to accomplish the conditioning of inebriated reasoning. With drinking, as with any physical exercise, there is always a danger of overexertion. At such times, the mental fist loosens too much, relinquishing control and allowing its contents to dribble without pattern and without accomplishment—like bowels loosed in a marathon that ran too long. The secret is an appropriate combination of timing, quantity, and location—the correct formula achieved only through trial and error.

Allowed to drift, the brain can wander to previously unexplored regions, replaying social interactions from a new angle ("that's what I should have said"), idly reorganizing the closets of the mind for easier access to stored information ("that's where I lost my car keys"), sometimes one even falls into a treasure trove of unexamined ideas and feelings that leaves all things illuminated ("if I could drink at the speed of light, perhaps I could beat out my hangover"). To drink alone with an educated mind is to tap into the art and poetry closeted in the annals of your gray matter and lead it back to the forefront of your consciousness. ("Closet? Annals? What does that tell me?") It is a necessary reordering of matters of importance, a clearer reflection of ones identity.

Drinking in solitude is something one must do regularly and rhythmically. Life transpires in circles of varying sizes, curving back on themselves, overlapping, connecting past and present. Solitary drinking is an exercise of self-evaluation that is mandatory for anyone desiring to center one’s self and to know the value of one’s company. If you find you cannot tolerate yourself—especially when drunk— then you can’t expect anyone else to tolerate you either. Just the same, if you find yourself to be the most intelligent, charismatic person you’ve ever met then you might want to withhold judgment until you've also considered how well you like yourself the following morning.

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Here at ScapeGoat Ink, we love us some blonde's (and brunettes, and redheads), and we also love us some German-style beer (and  any beer or beer flavored anything). But what would happen if the two were to meet? Hmmm, sexy, sexy German-style beer wearing lederhausen and a blonde wig.

WEEK 7:


Blonde Doppelbock
Capital Brewery

For those of you who are unsure what a doppelbock is, the masters at Beer Advocate explain it best, "Doppelbocks—as the name might suggest—are typically even stronger [German lagers] and contain enough malty goodness that they've been considered a meal in a glass for centuries." Now it's true that doppelbocks are slightly on the heavy side, but this is a blonde, which means it's the lightest a bock can go before it's no longer considered a bock, making it perfect for the mild Chicago weather we've been having lately.

This beauty of a beer has a deep, clear, golden hue and provides some interesting flavors—caramel and toffee with a slight fruity hint. According to Capital Brewery's website this is a limited-time beer, so we advise you to jump on board, or be forced to wait for next year's brews. Interestingly enough, there are also a few recipes on their site for cheesecake using this doppelbock as an ingredient, as well as a long list of awards this pretty little Blonde won. Although the awards are deserving, it's kind of sad when a beer  makes you feel even more unaccomplished and lazy than originally thought. I'm sure this beer's mom is proud as hell at her lil' beer, what with it wowing taste buds across the country—stupid, delicious, blonde fuck. Well, mom, we're sorry we're such disappointments. I guess we can't all be big winners like this doppelbock, but we certainly can be raging drunks who forget they're losers. Oh, look! An accomplished Blonde Doppelbock, don't mind if I do. Hell, a few more of these and we'll all be winners, no thanks to you, mom. Cheers!
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Reason to Drink #2 (of...)

ScapeGoat Ink brings you breaking news of what can only be described as a dream come true. How many times during a long commute have you spotted a beer truck puttering along and secretly wished it would stall by the side of the road allowing you to play the good Samaritan and offer your assistance with the hope that your kindness would be rewarded with a few cold brews from the back of the truck? Well, the below story makes me believe that dreams CAN come true! And that's a good enough reason o drink. The only thing that could have made this story better is if a Pizza truck was involved. Mmmmmm, pizza.

A semitrailer hauling 40,000 pounds of beer tipped over on a west suburban highway interchange this morning and was leaking its payload on the road, Illinois State Police said.

The incident occurred before 6:30 a.m. on the ramp from the southbound Tri-State Tollway (I-294) to the eastbound Eisenhower Expressway (I-290), said Master Sgt. Robert Fierstein.

Troopers and investigators were still on the scene trying to determine what caused the single-vehicle crash, which resulted in a "breach" in the cargo area.

Other than "rubberneckers" slowing to see the overturned truck, there was minimal impact to traffic as crews tried to clean the spillage from the roadway. The driver suffered minor cuts and bruises to his face and was cooperating with police.

The vehicle was believed to be carrying Miller beer products, Fierstein said.

—Andrew L. Wang
Original source at: http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/06/beer-semitrailer-truck-rollover-tristate-tollway-eisenhower-expressway-illinois-state-police.html

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There are two kinds of beer drinkers: Those who love Mexican beers, and those who have never sat on a sunny beach with sand between their toes, slouched in a deep chair, with a cooler beside them, and given thanks and praise for beer. You can NOT be a beach-goer and not love Mexican beer—that's a FACT.

WEEK 6:

La Cerveza del Pacifico Clara

This is not brewed and bottled up north with a fancy Mexican label slapped on the bottle in place of authenticity. This is the real thing, brewed, bottled, and labeled by our hard-working southern neighbors...and unlike the water down there, very safe to drink. For fellow Chicagoans finally given a reprieve from the incessant rain this Spring, it's the best choice you can make on a Friday afternoon. Light, clear, and easy to swill by the dozens, it's a good way to start a weekend.

Pacifico is not a beer to sample for the first time in the winter, unless you're ready to slather your skin with that gorgeous sun block smell, stick your feet in a bag of sand, and jack the thermostat up to at least 90 degrees (that's about 32 degrees Celsius to our fans in the EU). Beer drinking is about imagination—making memories when the weather suits and then calling up those familiar images to liven up your less-than-spectacular surroundings the rest of the year. Pacifico is a beer to carry that baggage for you for the other nine months when you need it most.
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Reason to Drink #1 (of...)

Marking the first in what will undoubtedly be a very, VERY long-running category of posts for Dipso Facto, ScapeGoat ink brings you the latest from North Korea. According to all legitimate sources, Kim Jong-il is still very much a lunatic and, yes, now this sucker is nuclear. If that isn't a reason to drink, you're probably not much of a drinker in the first place.

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NKorea says it will use nuclear weapons in a 'merciless offensive' if provoked

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — North Korea said Tuesday it would use nuclear weapons in a "merciless offensive" if provoked — its latest rhetoric apparently aimed at deterring any international punishment for its recent atomic test blast.

The tensions emanating from Pyongyang are beginning to hit nascent business ties with the South: a Seoul-based fur manufacturer became the first South Korean company to announce Monday it was pulling out of an industrial complex in the North's border town of Kaesong.

The complex, which opened in 2004, is a key symbol of rapprochement between the two Koreas but the goodwill is evaporating quickly in the wake of North Korea's nuclear test on May 25 and subsequent missile tests.

Pyongyang raised tensions a notch by reviving its rhetoric in a commentary in the state-run Minju Joson newspaper Tuesday.

JAE-SOON CHANGKWANG-TAE KIM
Associated Press Writers Associated Press Writers, 9:48 AM CDT, June 9, 2009
Original source at: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-as-koreas-nuclear,0,4629420.story

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At ScapeGoat Ink, we would never be so low as to repost other people’s copyrighted material without at least offering source credits. We discovered, however, that there are plenty of seedy guys out there trying to get ahead in the cyber world by trying to crib content from our blog, Dipso Facto, (which is chock full of original material) and then pass it off as their own in an attempt to raise keyword visibility, increase traffic, and steal high ranking and advertisement rights. Vincent, Martha, and Bryant Likes—you should all be ashamed of yourselves. You make me and all the hard workers at ScapeGoat Ink—as well as our fans and affiliates—sick.

Despite the pall cast by these charlatans on an otherwise sunshiney day in the Chicagoland area, I was cheered by a friend who passed me a YouTube video clip of Star Wars sequences recut to emulate the Magnum P.I. Friends, I give you Han Solo P.I.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEigvdbzia8
Damn it all if this doesn't just make me happy again. ScapeGoat Ink raises a glass for a triple salute: To Han Solo, to Magnum P.I., and to the mastermind who spliced this piece of greatness.

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Remember never having any money as a kid? Over those long, financially unstable summers I'd do what any self-respecting kid did. I'd beg for money. When that didn't work (it never did) I'd put myself to work selling the only thing a kid can—Lemonade.  Mind you, I had a wicked, one-packet-a-day addiction to Lik-m-aid Fun Dip, making it nearly impossible to keep any of the profit, but I remember those days fondly as I peddled my lemon-flavored sugar water to anyone willing to support my addiction. Hell, during the winter I'd keep at it by honing my "selling skills" with a little flash-game action. That game, if you can even call it that, was about as fun as getting kicked in the Pedro, but I did what I had to do to keep my supply plentiful. This week's beer is a throwback to the good old days of yester-far when the toughest decision we had was deciding between grape-flavored fun dip, or cherry. MMmmmm, grape.

WEEK 5:

Summer Shandy
For those of you unaware of what a shandy is, by definition it's beer mixed with a non-alcoholic drink. In this case, freshly squeezed lemonade (according to the brewery). This is a perfect beer for reminiscing during the summer, hence the peek into my childhood. It's starts out refreshing and finishes with a slight hint of lemonade and honey. As suggested by the folks at Leinenkugel's, if you "mix equal parts Berry Weis with Summer Shandy the end result is a pink lemonade." We have yet to try it, but if someone does, leave us a comment and let us know how it tastes. This is a good summer beer, but it's only available five months (April-August) out of the year, which means we have three months left to get our Summer Shandy on. Cheers!

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In the obsession with the economic status of the day, it’s tough to see any silver lining to your present state of joblessness. Indeed, misery does not love company, as evidenced by the growing despair you feel every time a friend or family member tell you they too are seeking a job. Take heart—it only takes one job offer to turn things around for you, and it’s only a matter of time. Focus on the little joys that help you make it through each unstructured day. Come journey with ScapeGoat Ink and look at the 10 Upsides to Unemployment:

10. You can stay up late.
What’s the difference between Monday night and Friday night? Nothing when you’re unemployed. Won’t I be tired next day? Take a nap. Won’t my spouse / fiancé / significant other be able to browbeat me for wasting time? Just put in a good showing of alertness and productivity until they leave and they’ll be none the wiser. So go ahead, watch the midnight cage fight, it’s not like you have anywhere to go tomorrow.

9. You don’t have to get up early.
Sure, there is job hunting to be done, but since you haven’t landed that new boss yet, who’s going to tell you that online job search has to begin at 8:30am instead of 12:30pm? It’s not like the HR guy is going to discount resumes that show up after noon. So grab a few extra Z’s and dream of winning the lotto—it will do far more for your drive to land a new paycheck than a regimental AM schedule.

8. You can catch up on valuable "You Time."
It’s a necessary thing, You Time. If you didn’t get a few extra minutes of vain focus on yourself to sing into a comb, really buff out those calluses, or try combing your sideburns in a new and exciting way, how would you ever discover the important things about yourself—like that you have the same cowlick as Harry Connick Jr., allowing you a chance to catch the eye of the homesick, New Orleans-born receptionist at your next interview who’s preferential treatment makes you a shoe-in with the panel at your next interview? Think about it.

7. You can catch a matinee.
No, not the endangered sea cows swimming around the U.S.’s geographical wang, I’m talking about daytime movies. When was the last time you caught a great film at 1pm on a Wednesday? Chances are excellent that you’ll have the whole theater to yourself. It’s the next best thing to sampling a real top-of-the-line home theater system and a step up from loitering at the local Best Buy. Just be sure to choose a grown-up film that’s been out for a few weeks. Otherwise, you’ll be crammed in with a group of senior citizens on a day trip (museum smell, anyone?) amid the sounds of seven whining brats whose frazzled mother intends to abandon her brood for the quiet of a bar before the previews are over.

6. You have the time to cultivate a new skill.
By now you’ve learned the art of disguising the true extent of your job experience with carefully chosen words—a valuable skill, no? How about learning something you’ve been meaning to do for you? You’ve got all the time in the world now. When you demonstrate your mastery of a flashy new card trick to your loved one returning from the grind, they’ll be so cheered they’ll probably make you dinner. Probably.

5. You can surf the web without looking over your shoulder.
You’ve perused all the job sites, posted a few resumes, and you’re still at the computer trying to remember your purpose in life outside of the vocation you are presently lacking. So you Facebook a little. Maybe some MySpace. Maybe you look on IMDB.com to finally verify that Morgan Freeman’s mug shot in The Shawshank Redemption was, in fact, a photo of his real life son, Alfonso, like you suspected when you watched it last night at 2am. You have the time now, friend. Or maybe you just peruse a favorite blog of yours (ahem, Dipso Facto, anyone?) en route to buying senseless T-shirts that proclaim your undying allegiance to alcohol. Now you’re talking.

4. You can toast your sandwiches.
Back when you had a job, more than once you forgot to pack that lunch in the rush to get out the door on time. If you did remember, your reward was a travesty between two pieces of soggy bread, slowly warmed to room temperature in a bag all morning. Now—maybe for the first time—you have the time to master the art of the sandwich. What would a turkey sandwich with horseradish, pickles, fresh avocado, banana peppers, and pepperjack cheese taste like? Now what would it taste like…toasted? Eat your heart out, Quizno’s—this sub was practically free.

3. You can drink in the daytime.

Sure, it may have contributed to your job loss in the first place, but now you are sans one disapproving boss. He never really understood you anyway. Seriously, don’t get so hosed you stagger outside to throw empties at the neighborhood kids or anything—it won’t help your career. But that sandwich masterpiece you just created would be really good with a Corona, wouldn’t it? And who’s going to tell you no?

2. You can enjoy the beautiful weather.
Unlike all those corporate hamsters running the wheel all day, enjoying only fleeting glimpses of sunshine through the tinted window in the boss’s office, you can go outside and bask in nature’s glory for as long as you want. Sunny day’s are made for people like you. The only thing that would make this better is a toasted sandwich and a beer. That’s it…drink it in.

1. You can enjoy a Nooner.
For the uninitiated, it’s daytime loving. Easier to come by than Mile High Club status and much, much more affordable. But I’m alone, you complain. Fear not, you jobless pariah—love thyself.

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You don’t have to go to a liquor superstore and raid the dusty shelves for an obscure microbrew to become a connoisseur of fine beers. Sometimes you need only try a new bottle form a trusted line you know and love. Chicagoans are already well aware of the magical Goose Island, where everyone chugs from bottomless mugs, your every fantasy comes true, and hangovers are never invited to the after-party. Let’s take a trip back there, shall we?

WEEK 4:

312 Urban Wheat

Yeah, yeah, we featured a different Goose Island brew last week, but there is a method to our madness. We love Chicago, we love beer, and we really want work at Goose Island someday in some sort of taste-tester capacity. So we’re putting in a good word. Besides that, they tend to stock beers of the same brand together in liquor store, and we didn’t get very far down the line before the cart was full. It’s only week four—we’ve got a whole year of this ahead.

Anyway, 312 is a wheat beer with an ABV of 4.2% that goes down as easy as any light beer, but with a hell of a lot more flavor. A creamy body and a citrus notes, it’s a favorite of summer drinkers, but available to quench your thirst all year long. For you out-of-towners, it’s a beer that says summertime in Chicago and let's face it, a trip to the liquor store is a lot more reasonable than a flight to the Windy City in this or any economy. Retailing around $13 for a 12-pack, it’s as kind to your wallet as it is to your palate. Cheers!

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I regret to inform you that on this glorious Friday I've fallen slightly ill. No need to be alarmed my fellow blog babies, I do not think it is life threatening. However, to be on the safe side I consulted our in-house doctor (he's helping us research a cure for the dreaded hangover) and he suggested combating the illness with booze. The theory is to get the virus drunk before you do, thus allowing you're white blood cells to act as "bouncers" and toss that damn, dirty virus out of the "bar." As you may have noted, sometimes this practice can backfire terribly, if you try to overmedicate, and make you feel even worse than before. I'm putting my health in the hands of a man who gives mammograms out of the back of his van, yet I've got a good feeling about this one. 

WEEK 3:

Pere Jacques
Belgian-style ale
from Goose Island Beer Co.

Here's how things played out:

• First sip—This cold, slightly fruity, but complex flavor crossed my lips and filled my mouth with its healing powers. Instantly I felt my stuffy nose realize that instead of dripping, it should focus its effort of this glorious smell that was just thrust below it. Of course I'm a skeptic, so I continued.
• 1/2 way—It is futile to fight this complex Belgian brew; instead I have offered myself fully to it as a gesture of good faith and trust. As a reward my mouth has been coated in malty deliciousness that lasts long after the liquid has left my mouth.
• 3/4 way—I don't remember ever feeling this good while sick. Not even that one time when I faked a fever by heating the thermometer under my desk lamp, thus allowing me to stay home alone and play all day with my new alien friend that I lured into my house with a trail of Reese's pieces. Man that was a great day. Except when he fell in a puddle and turned all wrinkly and white, then it just got weird...wait a minute, crap that was E.T.! 
• Done—My head is finally clear and that slight ache that I was feeling in my joints has lessened considerably. I feel so good; I think I might actually have another. Here's to the healing, cheers!

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By now you're familiar with our mentor and the impetus for this T-shirt company, Hans. Our Bully Goat logo has been displayed prominently on our site as well (perhaps you'd care to display it yourself?) They are both fine specimens, if we do say so ourselves, and thoroughly representative of the ScapeGoat way. However, ScapeGoat Ink is is the market for a mascot—a real mascot—to be trotted out at upcoming events and help us clear up our empties after a beer binge. Ladies and gentleman, we think we have found that mascot. These guys are hilarious!

If you're having trouble with the embedded video clip, check out the fainting goats using this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

As survival techniques go, this is a tactic worth keeping in your arsenal of wily escapes. Sure you could take a swing at the bristling, bulging behemoth whose girl you may or may not have been hitting on just now, but chances are good he's more sober than you and has probably spent the evening looking for a target to exercise his anger and self-loathing at his own latent homosexuality. Maybe you are equipped to take on all comers in a bar brawl. If so, more power to you (like you need it), but consider this: who's better looking? Never fight an ugly man...he's got nothing to lose. Advice to live by if you live by your looks. Then, if he's bigger AND better looking, consider the stiff legged paralysis of the fainting goats and live to drink another day.
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The best part about being a connoisseur of fine beers is that no matter how elitist your tastes and opinions might become, you're still only drinking "the people's drink"—making it virtually impossible to wax so poetic about the sights and sounds of a favorite beer that you become "that guy." Not so with wine.

So, you've taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of you. Despite the blossoming beer gut, you are winner, still champion, and eager to go a few more rounds. If you want to hedge your karmic bets and give back a little, grab yourself a sixer of this week's featured favorite—and native of New Orleans—and give a little boost to a fine city in need of a little economic goose after that bitch Katrina ran topless through the streets, puking on all the fine citizens of The Big Easy.

WEEK 2:

Abita Amber

One of seven fine brews native to New Orleans, Abita Amber is the first-born son of the Abita family and still the most popular. Already a confirmed compliment to such classic local cuisine as smoked sausages, red beans and rice, gumbo, and friend catfish, Abita has even crossed over to become an ingredient itself in the recipes of some the most famous Cajun chefs.

Named for it's color, Abita Amber is better known for its flavor: "smooth, malty, and slightly caramel." If you've been to New Orleans, you've already made a friend in Abita, but if you've yet to have the pleasure, take a vacation for the senses and pair your ground round patty with an Abita for a real cheeseburger in paradise. Once you've set this fine precedent, that first burger at N.O.'s Port of Call will taste like angels. Give Katrina the middle finger and hoist an Abita for the citizens of New Orleans.

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1. Today is Wednesday, which as everyone knows is Hump Day (you can interpret that however you like, ladies). For most of us it signifies that the middle of the week has been reached. You've climbed the 5-day workweek hill and now you're standing on top looking down at the weekend. Why don't you pour yourself a drink and enjoy the view, after all you're only two days away.

2. If you live in Chicago, all you need to do is sit by a window to see another reason to drink today. The children's rhyme is "April showers bring May flowers," not "April showers bring May showers, fuck the flowers...it's still raining?" Obviously that rhyme's a little inappropriate for children, but it is based in truth and as kids know you should always tell the truth, unless lying sounds better in a rhyme. So, drink to the rain today and the sunshine tomorrow.

3. It's the middle of May, which means the weather gods will be smiling upon us soon. Granted the warmer weather doesn't have the same allure as it once did when we were younger, but it has its perks. Instead of three whole months off to waste our days catching bugs, swimming at the pool, climbing trees, and playing tag, we spend it working for the weekends, drinking and swearing. It's not the best life, but we like to think we make the best of it. Cheers!

4. Seriously? We just got all profound on you and you still need more reasons? Wow, you are ungrateful.

5. Have a drink right now because your boss would probably frown upon you boozing during the week for fear that it may cause your job performance and your productivity to dip. Well, we say let it dip away. You tend to the every need of that stick in the mud you call a boss from 9 to 5, five days a week, 52 weeks out of the year. This routine continues until you retire, or you die. If that doesn't make you want to pour yourself a glass and plan your great escape, I don't know what will.

6. Ritchie Valens (or Richard Valenzuela) was born today in 1941. He's best known as the teen star who sang the hit, "La Bamba." He was 17 years old when he died in a plane crash on February 3, 1959. If that tragic story isn't enough to make you glad you're alive today, just think, Valens wasn't even old enough to legally drink in the States before he met his end. Drink for Ritchie, you know he'd have wanted it that way.

7. All right, to lighten the mood a little after the previous reason, another famous musician was also born on this day back in 1966. That man's name is Darius Rucker. If you're still wondering who that is, watch this clip and all will be answered. Makes you want a little booze, right? Perhaps to help wash down a tender, crisp, chicken, bacon, ranch, eh? Don't worry, just "Hold my hand."

8. Drinking tonight gives you time to recover before the weekend. If you wait until Thursday, then you're just turning it into a bender. If you start on Tuesday then you're just throwing yourself off for the rest of the week. Trust us; we have this down to a science. I mean would we be writing this blog if we didn't know what we were talking about? Do you believe us? Not even a little? Yeah, it doesn't help that we were laughing while writing that. 

9. This blog entry couldn't have been started or finished without alcohol in the belly today. Ponder that for a while.

10. Finally, because we're drinking and so should you! Don't make us feel like alcoholics drinking in the dark by ourselves. It'd comfort us much knowing that somewhere out there you too are imbibing in the dark by yourself (but not alone) as well.

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We received some positive (read drunk) feedback from our fans and faithful participants, so we decided to bring back the 52 drinks in 52 weeks theme. However, for this season instead of mixing up numerous cocktails we're going to focus on our true love—beer. Our mission is to drink each week, while digging a little deeper into the cooler for some hidden gems and some great classics that we all may have forgotten about with the overwhelming abundance of "light" beers saturating the market. 

To those of you who are new to the team, our goal is to post and enjoy ONE NEW DRINK A WEEK FOR 52 WEEKS STRAIGHT, beginning May 7, 2009 and continuing into May 2010. We will post each week's recipe toward the end of the week to get you geared up and better prepared for the weekend. So, put on your drinking hats and grab your bottle opener because it's time to get your Johnny drink on.

WEEK 1:

Negro Modelo

This is the perfect beer to kick the season off due in part by the weather. No matter where you live, or where you go in life the weather will always play a factor in what you'll be drinking later. Now, if you live in the good ol' Midwest you've got four seasons, which gives you four different reasons to drink something new. Although sometimes some of the seasons don't get the memo that the weather is suppose to change with the season, not fluctuate like the emotions of a menopausal woman, but I digress. Cold weather brings out the brunettes and the warm weather brings out the blonde's (I'm speaking about beers, but it's common knowledge that blonde's hibernate during the winter. Google that shit). Face it, no one is going to request a stout on a hot summer day, right? But in a perfect world, it wouldn't matter what the weather was like outside, the only thing that should matter is your thirst.

Alas, our savior is Negro Modelo. This beer is perfect for any season, and we should know, we've been drinking it all yearlong. This dark, full-bodied buxom has more flavor and complexity to it then its lighter Mexican amigos, and its slight sweet hint goes perfectly with chips and guac on a sunny day. We've also tried it with Fondue on a cold winter night while laying on a bearskin rug and it was pretty righteous too. However, please do not blame us when you find it difficult to enjoy the mundane, watery, light beers afterward.

Consider yourselves warned. Now go forth and enjoy!

Check back weekly for each new drink. You can subscribe and become an Official Member of the ScapeGoat Ink Drinking Team by submitting your email address.
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If there were no hangovers, we’d all be drunks, all the time. You are here because you love booze, even though booze doesn’t always love you back. Despite your best prayers, the morning after has arrived and now you are looking—as we all have at one time or another—for the magic elixir that will halt the spins, settle the stomach, soothe the pounding headache, and bring you back to normal as quickly as possible. Alas, it does not exist.

There is no way to have so much fun at night and then feel so good the next morning you forget you were drinking at all. There are fluke moments of exceptional health, lingering intoxication, and efforts to delay the consequences of drinking with the hair of the dog—but no matter what you do the hangover will show up at some point. The best you can hope for is to speed your recovery and take some preventative measures.

No Magic Pills
There are a myriad of hangover pills on the market that promise to end your suffering quicker than the suicide you’re considering. Here’s the catch: If you read the packages, they invariably tout the product’s ability to prevent a hangover, not cure one. The directions include consumption of large amounts of water at regular intervals throughout a night of drinking to wash down their pills. The fact is water does more to alleviate the forthcoming effects of a heavy night of drinking than any pill they could invent. And in most cases, the pill itself is essentially aspirin. So save your money and keep reading.

Water of Life
Obviously the best thing for lessening the assault of a hangover is to consume some water during your long drinking session. Of course it’s harder to drink beer when you’re full of water. So at the very least, when the night is over, and you’re ready to crash, stay up just long enough to down at least two pints of water. It won’t replace all the water stolen from your system by twelve beers, but it will make a difference. When you get up in the middle of the night to evacuate the latecomers in your bladder, drink a pint of water (or two) again before heading back to bed. You’re in that groggy stage between good times had and bad times to come, so you might as well get a head start by lessening the next-day nausea.

Skip the Nighttime Aspirin
People swear by aspirin before you crash for the night. Consider this: aspirin works by thinning the blood, thereby easing the 

pressure of bloodflow. This is why doctors prescribe it is as a daily supplement to fight high blood pressure. Alcohol also thins the blood. So there is not much more that can be done by additional thinning of your blood before you sleep, especially as dehydration will continue to thicken blood against the will of a thinning agent. Further, certain pain medication harms your stomach lining over time, and before long, you may find you’ve given yourself an ulcer with a “remedy” that really doesn’t do much for you in the first place. It’s harder to enjoy alcohol when it feels like you’re downing shots of scrap metal.

The Morning After
To quote the venerable Jimmy Buffet: “My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus.” You’ve had your fun, you’ve charged through a night of blessed consumption, and now the bill has to be paid. Some will tell you to get up and run a mile or two, others will tell you to crack a cool one first thing. Both parties are extremists. If you can sweat out the alcohol in a run and still feel great, more power to you. Chances are you didn’t drink hard enough to earn yourself a hangover, so none of this applies to you. On the other hand, if you want to start the party all over again with a little hair of the dog, God bless. Drink one for me. At the end of the binge, however, the bill has to be paid.

The Value of Sleep
You could sleep until nightfall, but you’re just pushing back the inevitable recovery process of replacing what was lost the night before and putting your machinery back to work. If you can’t hear over the sound of the clock ticking or focus long enough to see which ugly face is staring back at you from the mirror, go back to bed. You’re not ready for the world. If you can stand to be vertical, get up while it’s still morning. Start your routine and if you need to grab a little shut-eye before heading out again, do it. If you’ve done things right, then your body has almost recovered everything it lost the night before. Note for napping: Sleep somewhere between 30–45 minutes. Then get up. If you sleep longer than the 45-minute limit, then you might as well stay down for 3 hours. Otherwise, you won’t feel rested, and you’ll have a hard time shaking the groggy sensation once you wake that will force your into an early bed or a long, crappy night of social limbo.

The Most Important Meal of the Day
Rinse the hurricanes and margaritas out of your blender and make a smoothie. Grab a yogurt, a banana, orange juice, milk, and frozen fruit of some kind (I recommend strawberries). If you really want to be smart, add grated ginger (to settle the stomach) and vitamin C to amp up the nutrients. Blend it together and pass it out to the ones passed out on your floor. You need to replace the vitamins and minerals (vitamin C, B, D, and calcium) that were leeched from your body with the passing alcohol and gushing water. Bring them home and you’re on your way to recovery.

Take a Shower
The inclination is to wallow in your own filth and guilt is common, but simply taking a shower helps speed recovery. Many toxins, such as alcohol, exit the body through the skin. After a night of dance sweat, burrito meat sweat, or hot sleep, you’ve excreted some of the toxins through your pores, leaving them clogged. Taking a hot shower is the easiest way to open your pores, release toxins, and allow oxygen to get to your skin and help with the recovery.

The Ills of Pills
Just because you overdid the alcohol doesn’t mean you have to compensate by over-doing the “cure” to reach your stasis again. Take the slower crawl back to middle ground and you’ll feel better for it in the long term. Put food in your stomach first, and let it settle. Painkillers on a raw stomach will do more harm than good. Take the number of pills suggested—don’t double the dose or take them every 2 hours, and don’t take them at all if you’re planning on starting the party up again before they’ve had a chance to run through your system. Popping painkillers with booze doesn’t amplify them both, but diminishes the effects of the painkillers, wreaks havoc on your stomach lining. And let’s be honest, if you’re that close to drinking again then you’re painkiller is in the form of a nice frosty brew or a shot of cure—you won’t need the aspirin.

Help Find a Cure
So that’s where science and medicine has led us so far in the search for the cure for the dreaded hangover. With any number of more serious illnesses to contend with, you can imagine that funding for research as trivial as a hangover is hard to come by. But our research continues. Care to contribute to the fight? Buy a T-shirt.
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Alcohol is essentially a toxic byproduct with some pleasant side effects. Your drink of choice gets into your bloodstream via your digestive system. Your liver is capable of filtering out this alcohol at the rate of roughly one drink an hour. (Since most of you have probably written your name in the snow at one time or another, I will assume you are familiar with the means of exit.) When the filtration process is slower than the consumption rate, the alcohol builds up in your blood as each successive drink waits its turn to leave. The alcohol content of your bloodstream increases to a percentage that slowly makes you cooler, funnier, smarter, tougher, and better looking—not to mention the improvements to the people with whom you’re socializing.

As the night wears on you become more and more dehydrated. Normally, your body would let you know you were thirsty, but even if those sensors are still operating correctly, chances are you’re having too much fun to be paying attention to them. In addition to dehydration, when you flush fluids so rapidly through your body, essential vitamins and minerals are being leeched from your system. Further, when you answer that craving for a late night burrito or a gyro—in all its salty glory—you are earmarking more of your system’s water supply for the digestion of that food. As a result, the next morning your body lacks water, vitamins and minerals, and you spend the rest of the day trying to restore all those things to the proper levels.

So why do you have to urinate so much during a night of drinking? You may have thought it was because you were consuming so much more fluid. Yes and no. There aren’t many beverages we would choose to drink in quick succession like alcohol, true. An alcoholic drink is a diuretic: When it exits your body, it takes out roughly 150% of the water it brings to your system—all the fluid it brought to the party and more. Think of it like the difference between the men’s and women’s lines for the bathroom. The water exits continuously, as fast as it can—like the line for the men’s bathroom. The alcohol has to wait its turn to be filtered, and a line backs up—like the women’s bathroom line.

Eventually, more water than alcohol leaves your system, and the resulting balance is in favor of intoxication. That is the alcohol buildup affecting the brain’s functions. As the intake increases, you go beyond fun and into the less enjoyable territories:

Blackout
This occurs when your body’s senses and memory functions are overrun by alcohol and you cease to function normally. If you don’t remember what happened after a point, then you got blackout drunk. When you blackout, your body will continue doing what it does as if on autopilot. No one’s at the wheel, but you’re still moving.

Pass-Out
When you pass out, your mind shuts down the autopilot for the safety of the whole machine. Essentially, your brain, overrun by booze forces you into hibernation in an attempt to prevent you from reaching more dangerous levels of alcohol buildup.
    
Alcohol Toxicity
When your drinking speed passes up your liver’s capabilities of filtration, alcohol content increases in your bloodstream. If you overwhelm your body’s filtration system by drinking too fast, and you may soar into blackout drunk faster than your mind can wrest control from the body and force you into pass-out mode. This is the equivalent of the body’s redline area. If you get alcohol poisoning, you risk hospitalization if you’re lucky, and death if you’re not so lucky. And if that’s not bad enough, you can’t enjoy the drink anymore.

Few people drink to achieve a poisonous level, but bad things happen when you aren’t paying attention. A little knowledge goes a long way toward taming the beast. Some caution that alcohol is an enemy of productivity, morality, and good sense. That may be. I, for one, prefer to keep my friends close and my enemies closer.
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