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Support Our Team, Mary's Friends, at the 2012 Arthritis Walk
This Saturday, May 19, I'm participating in the 2012 Arthritis Foundation Walk in Chicago. I've joined the team, Mary's Friends, which was started by Jackie Krol in memory of her sister, Mary, who was afflicted with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). The Arthritis Foundation recently forwarded an email to all of its participants, which I'd like to share with my readers below.
I’m walking for those who can’t…
I’m participating in the #1 nationwide event dedicated to the prevention, control and cure of arthritis—The 2012 Arthritis Walk—and it takes place this weekend! The Arthritis Walk supports the 50 million adults and more than 300,000 children who suffer from arthritis pain and disability.
The Arthritis Foundation helped put a face on the 300,000 children who suffer day in and day out when they announced Liberty and Amelia Shultz as the 2012 Arthritis Walk Youth Honorees. At the ages of 2 and 3 respectively, these sisters are battling juvenile arthritis. The Shultz family has faced more than their share of heartache as they watched their toddlers learning to crawl, taking their first steps—these major milestones should never be filled with so much pain. It’s simply unacceptable to the innocent children or their parents who feel helpless against the disease.
That’s why I’m participating in the Arthritis Walk this weekend. To make a difference. To help get us one step closer to a pain-free future—and a cure!
Here’s how you can help:
- I’d love it if you joined me! Click here to sign up to walk with me—together we can walk on behalf of those who suffer pain with every step they take.
- Make a donation to support me. I have a fundraising goal that I hope to meet before the day of the Arthritis Walk and time is running out! Please help me meet my goal.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Happy Mother's Day!
Mom, if I were a smarter
man or musically inclined, I would have personally written this song for you;
however, I am neither of those things, so I've enlisted the help of a talented Biologist, Adam Cole, to help pay tribute to you and all the mothers out there today on your special day with, "A Biologist's Mother's Day Song."
Thank you...
-for letting me drink before I was of legal age; yes, I'm referring to while I was still in your womb.
-for playing Broadway musicals incessantly during my childhood, so much so that I find myself randomly belting out lines from musicals in public, such as, "Cats," "Les Misérables," "Starlight Express," "Miss Saigon," "Man of La Mancha," and "Jesus Christ Superstar," to name a few.
-for forcing us to do yard work and garden on Mother's Day because, even though we complained every minute and tried to weasel our way out of doing it, I actually don't mind it and kind of appreciate the beauty of it all.
-for making me fetch you ice-cold beers from the fridge throughout my childhood, which so obviously stinted the growth of my hands, but also made it exceptionally easy to find gloves that fit. Sometimes I shop in the women's section...because I can.
-for instilling a solid sense of right and wrong within me. So much so that when I did something wrong I would self punish with a spoonful of liquid soap before you or even God found out about it.
-for helping me realize that even though I had a few medical setbacks when I was younger that I was no different than anyone else and could actually be a very active little dude.
-for making me love animals and furry creatures as much as you and almost as much as St. Francis, the patron saint of animals. I'm still not keen on wearing hair shirts, though.
-for showing me what it means to love someone. Even though I totally don't get your attraction to "The Accountant" that you claim is my "father," since it's so very obvious that my real father is a famous black athlete.
-for dressing me up like a dandy when I was too small to know any better because you thought it was funny and, well, you could.
Wait, I retract that last one. Not cool, Mom; not cool at all.
-for teaching me proper hygiene and making sure I was never the "smelly" kid in school.
-for NOT breastfeeding me until I was five years old.
-for making sure that I had everything I ever needed and more growing up.
-for genetically passing on the Irish Iron liver.
I know that this list doesn't even scratch the surface and I'm sure I could continue on, but I don't want your already sizable Irish head to get any bigger than it already is, lady. I'm just kidding...sort of. Here's to you, you wonderful woman and Happy Mother's Day! Now let's go do some yard work so we have an excuse to get hammered later!
If you enjoyed Cole's Mother's Day song, he also crafted a wonderfully insightful St. Patrick's Day song, "(A Biologist's) St. Patrick's Day Song," which I posted previously.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
As I sit down at my desk with a freshly poured Guinness beside me, I'm reminded of all the things that you've done for me, mom. Instead of writing paragraph after paragraph of praise, I've decided instead to make a list. Since I'm drunk right now and you'll undoubtedly be drunk when you read this, it'll be easier on both of us.
Thank you...
-for letting me drink before I was of legal age; yes, I'm referring to while I was still in your womb.
-for playing Broadway musicals incessantly during my childhood, so much so that I find myself randomly belting out lines from musicals in public, such as, "Cats," "Les Misérables," "Starlight Express," "Miss Saigon," "Man of La Mancha," and "Jesus Christ Superstar," to name a few.
-for forcing us to do yard work and garden on Mother's Day because, even though we complained every minute and tried to weasel our way out of doing it, I actually don't mind it and kind of appreciate the beauty of it all.
-for making me fetch you ice-cold beers from the fridge throughout my childhood, which so obviously stinted the growth of my hands, but also made it exceptionally easy to find gloves that fit. Sometimes I shop in the women's section...because I can.
-for instilling a solid sense of right and wrong within me. So much so that when I did something wrong I would self punish with a spoonful of liquid soap before you or even God found out about it.
-for helping me realize that even though I had a few medical setbacks when I was younger that I was no different than anyone else and could actually be a very active little dude.
-for making me love animals and furry creatures as much as you and almost as much as St. Francis, the patron saint of animals. I'm still not keen on wearing hair shirts, though.
-for showing me what it means to love someone. Even though I totally don't get your attraction to "The Accountant" that you claim is my "father," since it's so very obvious that my real father is a famous black athlete.
-for dressing me up like a dandy when I was too small to know any better because you thought it was funny and, well, you could.
Wait, I retract that last one. Not cool, Mom; not cool at all.
-for teaching me proper hygiene and making sure I was never the "smelly" kid in school.
-for NOT breastfeeding me until I was five years old.
-for making sure that I had everything I ever needed and more growing up.
-for genetically passing on the Irish Iron liver.
I know that this list doesn't even scratch the surface and I'm sure I could continue on, but I don't want your already sizable Irish head to get any bigger than it already is, lady. I'm just kidding...sort of. Here's to you, you wonderful woman and Happy Mother's Day! Now let's go do some yard work so we have an excuse to get hammered later!
If you enjoyed Cole's Mother's Day song, he also crafted a wonderfully insightful St. Patrick's Day song, "(A Biologist's) St. Patrick's Day Song," which I posted previously.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
The Last of the Graduates--Indiana University 2012
If you're looking to hire a Spanish-speaking graphic designer, you're in luck. My little sister, O-Tang, is finally all grown up! This past weekend she was part of Indiana University's graduating class of 2012. She graduated from the college of Arts and Sciences with a Bachelors degree in graphic design and Español (that's Spanish for Spanish).
Photo courtesy of Indiana University's official Web site.
We awoke early Saturday morning to make the 4-hour trek to Bloomington, IN for O-Tang's graduation from Indiana University. My older sister, Angry Bee, drove while alcoholic girlfriend and I passengered. Naturally, I sat shotgun because I was the one holding the shotgun gingerly on my lap. It was my job to ensure the peace on our long drive. I wasn't hesitant to pump any yellow bellied, law breaking ingrate full of lead. Lucky for them, we had no problems; unfortunately for me, my trigger finger stayed itchy the entire trip. In hindsight, it may have been my allergy to rifles that made my finger itch, but nonetheless we remained safe for the duration of the trip.
When we arrived it was a balmy 80+ degree day. The heat and humidity were relentless. I made the mistake of wearing dark dress slacks and a long-sleeve, button-down shirt. If I were a smarter man, which I am not, I would have gone with a loin cloth and a thermo-cooling backpack filled with Hi-C's refreshing Ecto Cooler juice because it's both enjoyable to drink and cooling to the soul. The reason I regret my outfit choice (Just stay cool, maybe no one will notice that you just referred to your shirt and pants as an "outfit." If you remain calm you might even be able to fool your readers into thinking that all grown men refer to their clothes as "outfits.") is because we had a bit of a trek from my sister's apartment to the graduation ceremony, which was being held at the assembly hall 16 miles away. I'm lying; it was more like a brisk 22 miles.
Luckily, on our walk through the parking lot, either through divine intervention or the mere fact that to every passers by I looked as if I was having a massive heart attack while simultaneously giving birth to a sweat baby, a kind gentleman by the name of Tom offered to give our posse a ride in his pimp wagon (a.k.a. golf cart). He was pleasant enough and carted us right to the door of the assembly hall while spouting off random facts about the college and its campus. I was too busy trying to catch my breath and cursing myself for choosing the seat right above the exhaust pipe, which was sputtering hot fumes all over me. However, the ride was much appreciated. In fact, Tom, if you're reading this you're a saint; a flippin' saint, Tom. Lauren quickly departed from the group to join an even larger group of her fellow classmates who were making their way to the opposite side of the building. We proceeded to join the mass of sweaty people all clamoring to find a seat in the stands.
On the plus side, there was A/C blasting; however, after enough warm-bodied people filed into the stadium the once cool air now felt more like a heavyset child breathing down the back of my neck. We were sitting in the nose-bleed section, but the action was being broadcast on the JumboTron, and by action I mean long-winded speakers wearing funny hats and ridiculous scarves. It was kind of like being at a Harry Potter convention, only slightly less cool. At one point I became fixated on the idea that if asked to stand, I would struggle to my feet, pass out, and swan dive into the rows below us taking out dozens of unsuspecting occupants. I chuckled to myself, but then the more I thought about it the more I truly wondered how many people I could take out if I "fell." What I pictured was similar to what elevated bowling would be like—I'd be the ball and all the unsuspecting people below me would be the pins—if there were such a thing. Obviously I'd have to get a strike (at least 10 humans) my first time out because logically how many times can I fling myself down stadium seats before I was too severely concussed to continue. The more I thought about it the more I chuckled to myself. The mere idea of human bowling was enough to sustain me well into the opening ceremony.
We discovered via text that while O-Tang was making her way to the ceremony she lost, or someone stole, her red sash that was to accompany her gown. Although it was an unfortunate mishap, it did make finding her among the sea of black-and-red, gown-wearing hopefuls a tad easier. It took some searching, but it was a pleasant distraction from the large woman with the fat knees sitting behind who was so obviously afflicted by loud-talking disease and odor issues. After a while it became a sort of game reminiscent of Martin Handford's three-book series, Where's Waldo? Lauren was the elusive Waldo. I was able to locate a woman wearing a brightly colored jumpsuit, snorkeling goggles, a cane, and what looked like a magic scroll before we finally pinpointed her exact location. Once we found her and made our location known to her we were back to listening to the reminiscences of the President of Indiana University, Michael A. McRobbie.
As I was drifting back to my human bowling invention, a most unexpected special guest was introduced: The Doctor of Music—Booker T. Jones. For those of you unsure who that is (shame on you), Google Booker T. & the M.G.'s, "Green Onions." If you still don't know who that is then you're probably a terrorist and should throw yourself off a bridge. I had no idea that Booker T., or Dr. Jones as I now like to refer to him as, went to college, let alone graduated from IU. In addition, he made the decision to go to college AFTER he (and the M.G.'s, of course) cut "Green Onions." He could have easily continued touring and making great music—and money—but, instead he chose an education, to the chagrin of his fans and some of his contemporaries. I won't chronicle his entire speech except to say that it was inspiring. He concluded with the fact that if you didn't graduate from IU your diploma is about as meaningful as gutter trash. All right that may have been a slight exaggeration, but Dr. Jones did make me wistful for my college days, not just to go back to college, but to go to IU and do it better this time around.
As I looked across the stadium at the black speck that was my little sister, I realized how proud and sad I felt. I remember when my sister was but a miniature human wearing her tight, spandex shorts with "Mexico" scrawled down the leg. For some reason they were her favorite shorts. They were hideous and unflattering. I remember when she used to break into mine and my brother's bedroom to go through our stuff and when she'd get caught by my mom she'd put our clothes on and try to convince her that she was in fact my brother or myself. She used to be terrified of vomit, especially movie puke scenes. She couldn't watch the movie Stand by Me until she was in high school because of the pie-eating-contest scene that resulted in Lardass Hogan spewing purple all over the crowd. If you haven't seen it, refer to my above comment about anyone who doesn't know the music of Booker T. & the M.G.'s.
Now she's all grown up. She just graduated from college and she's about to start the next chapter of her life and I couldn't be more proud of her, nor can I wait to see where she'll end up. I hope she does better than her older, unemployed, alcoholic brother, but then again I did not graduate from IU, so that obviously gives her a leg up. To sample from Dr. Suess's Oh, the Places You'll Go!, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." Today, I raise my glass to you O-Tang. Good luck and I'm proud of you. Pops, I raise a second glass to you for putting yourself and four children through college. Eventually I hope to repay you in riches, until that day you can bank on O-Tang repaying you for all of us. After all, she DID graduate from IU.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
Photo courtesy of Indiana University's official Web site.
We awoke early Saturday morning to make the 4-hour trek to Bloomington, IN for O-Tang's graduation from Indiana University. My older sister, Angry Bee, drove while alcoholic girlfriend and I passengered. Naturally, I sat shotgun because I was the one holding the shotgun gingerly on my lap. It was my job to ensure the peace on our long drive. I wasn't hesitant to pump any yellow bellied, law breaking ingrate full of lead. Lucky for them, we had no problems; unfortunately for me, my trigger finger stayed itchy the entire trip. In hindsight, it may have been my allergy to rifles that made my finger itch, but nonetheless we remained safe for the duration of the trip.
When we arrived it was a balmy 80+ degree day. The heat and humidity were relentless. I made the mistake of wearing dark dress slacks and a long-sleeve, button-down shirt. If I were a smarter man, which I am not, I would have gone with a loin cloth and a thermo-cooling backpack filled with Hi-C's refreshing Ecto Cooler juice because it's both enjoyable to drink and cooling to the soul. The reason I regret my outfit choice (Just stay cool, maybe no one will notice that you just referred to your shirt and pants as an "outfit." If you remain calm you might even be able to fool your readers into thinking that all grown men refer to their clothes as "outfits.") is because we had a bit of a trek from my sister's apartment to the graduation ceremony, which was being held at the assembly hall 16 miles away. I'm lying; it was more like a brisk 22 miles.
Luckily, on our walk through the parking lot, either through divine intervention or the mere fact that to every passers by I looked as if I was having a massive heart attack while simultaneously giving birth to a sweat baby, a kind gentleman by the name of Tom offered to give our posse a ride in his pimp wagon (a.k.a. golf cart). He was pleasant enough and carted us right to the door of the assembly hall while spouting off random facts about the college and its campus. I was too busy trying to catch my breath and cursing myself for choosing the seat right above the exhaust pipe, which was sputtering hot fumes all over me. However, the ride was much appreciated. In fact, Tom, if you're reading this you're a saint; a flippin' saint, Tom. Lauren quickly departed from the group to join an even larger group of her fellow classmates who were making their way to the opposite side of the building. We proceeded to join the mass of sweaty people all clamoring to find a seat in the stands.
On the plus side, there was A/C blasting; however, after enough warm-bodied people filed into the stadium the once cool air now felt more like a heavyset child breathing down the back of my neck. We were sitting in the nose-bleed section, but the action was being broadcast on the JumboTron, and by action I mean long-winded speakers wearing funny hats and ridiculous scarves. It was kind of like being at a Harry Potter convention, only slightly less cool. At one point I became fixated on the idea that if asked to stand, I would struggle to my feet, pass out, and swan dive into the rows below us taking out dozens of unsuspecting occupants. I chuckled to myself, but then the more I thought about it the more I truly wondered how many people I could take out if I "fell." What I pictured was similar to what elevated bowling would be like—I'd be the ball and all the unsuspecting people below me would be the pins—if there were such a thing. Obviously I'd have to get a strike (at least 10 humans) my first time out because logically how many times can I fling myself down stadium seats before I was too severely concussed to continue. The more I thought about it the more I chuckled to myself. The mere idea of human bowling was enough to sustain me well into the opening ceremony.
We discovered via text that while O-Tang was making her way to the ceremony she lost, or someone stole, her red sash that was to accompany her gown. Although it was an unfortunate mishap, it did make finding her among the sea of black-and-red, gown-wearing hopefuls a tad easier. It took some searching, but it was a pleasant distraction from the large woman with the fat knees sitting behind who was so obviously afflicted by loud-talking disease and odor issues. After a while it became a sort of game reminiscent of Martin Handford's three-book series, Where's Waldo? Lauren was the elusive Waldo. I was able to locate a woman wearing a brightly colored jumpsuit, snorkeling goggles, a cane, and what looked like a magic scroll before we finally pinpointed her exact location. Once we found her and made our location known to her we were back to listening to the reminiscences of the President of Indiana University, Michael A. McRobbie.
As I was drifting back to my human bowling invention, a most unexpected special guest was introduced: The Doctor of Music—Booker T. Jones. For those of you unsure who that is (shame on you), Google Booker T. & the M.G.'s, "Green Onions." If you still don't know who that is then you're probably a terrorist and should throw yourself off a bridge. I had no idea that Booker T., or Dr. Jones as I now like to refer to him as, went to college, let alone graduated from IU. In addition, he made the decision to go to college AFTER he (and the M.G.'s, of course) cut "Green Onions." He could have easily continued touring and making great music—and money—but, instead he chose an education, to the chagrin of his fans and some of his contemporaries. I won't chronicle his entire speech except to say that it was inspiring. He concluded with the fact that if you didn't graduate from IU your diploma is about as meaningful as gutter trash. All right that may have been a slight exaggeration, but Dr. Jones did make me wistful for my college days, not just to go back to college, but to go to IU and do it better this time around.
As I looked across the stadium at the black speck that was my little sister, I realized how proud and sad I felt. I remember when my sister was but a miniature human wearing her tight, spandex shorts with "Mexico" scrawled down the leg. For some reason they were her favorite shorts. They were hideous and unflattering. I remember when she used to break into mine and my brother's bedroom to go through our stuff and when she'd get caught by my mom she'd put our clothes on and try to convince her that she was in fact my brother or myself. She used to be terrified of vomit, especially movie puke scenes. She couldn't watch the movie Stand by Me until she was in high school because of the pie-eating-contest scene that resulted in Lardass Hogan spewing purple all over the crowd. If you haven't seen it, refer to my above comment about anyone who doesn't know the music of Booker T. & the M.G.'s.
Now she's all grown up. She just graduated from college and she's about to start the next chapter of her life and I couldn't be more proud of her, nor can I wait to see where she'll end up. I hope she does better than her older, unemployed, alcoholic brother, but then again I did not graduate from IU, so that obviously gives her a leg up. To sample from Dr. Suess's Oh, the Places You'll Go!, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." Today, I raise my glass to you O-Tang. Good luck and I'm proud of you. Pops, I raise a second glass to you for putting yourself and four children through college. Eventually I hope to repay you in riches, until that day you can bank on O-Tang repaying you for all of us. After all, she DID graduate from IU.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
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"What's Your Drink Horoscope?" Article Review
Happy Friday! It has been a long time since I've tickled the plastic keys so I thought I would start back up with an article review. Actually it's a slideshow and, you guessed it, TheDailyMeal.com is at it again. If you're unfamiliar with that particular Web sites previous work, click here. The title of the slideshow is, "What's Your Drink Horoscope?" Before I get started I would like to point out the minor misstep the author made by failing to combine the words, "Drink" and "Horoscope" to create the ever-clever hybrid, "Drinkoscope." Not a fan? No worries, after you finish the initial slideshow, which I've copied word-for-word below, sans the delightful stock photos used to illustrate (or distract from the bad content), you'll appreciate my word combo. Since I had a few things to say about this slideshow, I've put my comments below the original content in italics.
Note: Since the extent of my astrological knowledge is about as vast as my knowledge of tampoons, I referred to the astrological Web site, Universal Psychic Guild, which was written by Athena Starwoman (sounds like an authoritative resource to me) to help fill in my gaps. I also have to give credit where credit is due, so thank you to the tone-deaf, Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores for completing my zodiac education. I now feel I am fully prepared to write authoritatively on all things zodiac related.
"What's Your Drink Horoscope?"
Written by ashamed anonymous author; commented in italics by ScapeGoat Ink.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorns are practical, prudent, careful, and reserved. In other words, if they do go for a wild night out, you can bet they're sipping plenty of water between drinks. Additionally, Capricorns, with their penchant for pessimism, don't always make for the best company after overly imbibing. The best drink for a Capricorn, therefore, is a nice, crisp glass of pinot grigio, which can be happily sipped in moderation all evening.
Oh no they didn't Capricorns. Did this slideshow just call all of you irritable light weights that are about as much fun to hang out with as a bag of lice? It also seems pretty harsh to don all of you pinot drinkers. By this slideshows assessment, Capricorns, we most certainly will never be friends. Never fret, according to Athena Starwoman, of the Universal Psychic Guild, "Although many Capricorns are borderline workaholics, this doesn't necessarily make them dull or gloomy!" Oh thank God, I hate sharing a bottle of pinot with grumpy Gus's.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The perfect drink for wild, eccentric, ambitious Aquarius? Tequila, obviously, in all of its glorious forms: shots, mixed up in margaritas, stirred with orange juice and grenadine, whatever. But the best way for them to drink tequila is with a strong, spicy twist of jalapeño, because unpredictable and intractable Aquarians have a kick.
Wow that's some high praise. It certainly sounds like The Fifth Dimension was right, "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius." Apparently Aquarians also have iron bellies because I'm not sure how many other people can power through shot after shot of tequila with a twist of jalapeño without burning a hole in their stomachs the night before and a hole in their pants the morning after. Have fun sharting fire all day, Aquarians! Unfortunately for the author, Starwoman has a different take on this sign, which she explains, "Aquarians are the zodiac's most mysterious and unusual people—and no two are anything alike." So to say that Aquarians perfect drink is tequila is a bit like making a wild assumption like just because you dressed your cat up in tiny doll-like clothes, bought a theater ticket for it, and assured the usher that this is your small, hairy child that it's acceptable for the usher to let you both in, even if it is to see the Broadway musical, Cats.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are sensitive, selfless, kind, and maybe a little bit unworldly, at times. In other words, the human equivalent of a White Russian. Delicious, sweet, comforting, homey.
Wow, somebody hates Pisces. It took three sentences to conclude that we're chubby, book-reading pansies who crave sweets and love napping. I detect that the author may have been jilted by a Pisces and was channeling their brokenhearted past. Take a seat, Starwoman, I've got this one. At first, I wasn't too offended because if White Russians are good enough for Lebowski than they are certainly good enough for me. However, to have the shortest write-up and to say nothing about our rugged good-looks, hilarious sense of humor, and well-endowed packages is just insulting. The Dude does NOT abide. Furthermore, nameless author, I hope two men break into your apartment and piss on your rug.
Aries (March21-April 19)
People under the sign of Aries are adventurous, dynamic, and pioneering. They love to try new things, and aren't afraid to experiment, which is why this whole mixology renaissance has been amazing for them. Lillet? Fernet? Barrel-aged cocktails? Whatever unique cocktail is on the menu, Ariens are up for trying it. They're pretty awesome like that.
If I was a betting man, odds are the author's an Aries. I also find it curious that of all twelve of the zodiac signs, Aries is the only one that doesn't have a specific drink to describe them, but instead they have "unique cocktails." Yeah that seems fair. Starwoman says this about the sign, "Aries can be a confusing sign because there is a complex combination of very strong masculine and feminine expressions all combined together." Well, author, you can have your plethora of cocktails, maybe they'll help you cope with the fact that you're more than likely going to develop man-boobies, or a vagina-sack later in life. Enjoy your confusing body!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taureans are warmhearted, friendly people who enjoy good company, and convivial nights with close friends. They're not ones for crazy adventures, change, or fads just good times. They do, however, appreciate life's little luxuries. In other words, they like to drink the good stuff. The perfect drink for a Taurus, therefore, is a nice glass of scotch (Glenfiddich, perhaps?), to be enjoyed in a room full of old friends.
What do I know about this sign? Absolutely nothing. I do, however, know it's a great car made by Ford. I actually used to own a '05 in Teige (Tan/Beige). It was the first car I ever owned. I loved that car. I'd still love that car if it hadn't been totaled in 2011 by some impatient woman making a left turn into oncoming traffic. I happened to be the oncoming traffic that day. Luckily, no one was seriously injured, including alcoholic girlfriend who was sitting shotgun at the time, although we were taken to the hospital. Oh, I forgot to mention that the woman didn't have insurance either. Oh yeah, and immediately after the accident she started yelling, "Why were you going so fast?!" I suppose she's right, the speed limit is a bit TOO fast sometimes. We still get weekly calls from creditors about our unpaid medical bills, which were supposed to be the responsibility of the guilty party; however, in this instance, it apparently pays to be uninsured.
Man, after that story I sure could go for two fingers of Glenlivet, but since I'm a Pisces, I guess I'll settle for a White Russian on this warm day. On a positive note, AG's sister, mini lobes, just happened to have a spare '04 Taurus lying around that she's currently letting us borrow. So, I'm keeping the Taurus streak alive and well. Holler!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini are known for being at ease in all social situations they're flirtatious, extroverted, quick, and clever. In other words, they're... bubbly. (See where we're going here?) Obviously, the perfect drink for effervescent Geminis is a flute of prosecco, sipped between conversations, while holding court at a party.
This description sounds like a blurb from Sex and the City. By the way, does anyone else think that show should have simply been titled, "Whores"? According to Starwoman, "Terminally curious and sometimes even mischievous, Gemini's are multi-faceted souls who enjoy knowing a little bit of everything but generally not too much about one particular subject. It's just that variety is the spice of their lives!" Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like Gemini's would be better suited with unique cocktails than Aries would be, am I right?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers are basically a roller coaster of emotions. They're wonderfully loving and imaginative, but also moody, clingy, and... sort of dramatic? In other words, Cancers lead passionate, dramatic lives, and what better liquid supplement to passionate, dramatic lives than red wine? Probably something Italian, like a chianti, or a barbera, something you can both raise your glass with and cry into, depending on the mood.
Wow, that's pretty rude. I'd be moody too if I had Cancer. Not cool, author, not cool at all.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are generous, warmhearted, faithful, and creative. What better drink for them, then, than versatile Dutch gin (Genever)? This juniper-flavored drink is the oldest variety of gin, and has been keeping people warm and jovial for centuries. Best of all, its an alcohol that lets Leos be endlessly creative in its consumption, as it can be mixed into almost any cocktail, yet is equally good sipped alone.
Although I maintain that using an astrological sign to decide what a person drinks is insane, I will say that I'm not entirely deterred by the decision of gin for Leos. My mom is a Leo and if lions were alcoholics, she'd be the king of the drunk jungle, or drungle, if you will. When I lived at home my mom and I used to have Martini Friday's when I'd get home from work. We'd basically drink martinis and talk about how amazing we were. The evening would usually conclude the same way: we'd get drunk; we'd realize we were actually SO amazing that it might be hindering our successes in life, and dinner would usually consist of the olives sitting in the bottom of our glasses. No, I don't think gin had anything to do with our shortcomings.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are wonderful people, but they can be a little... meticulous. Analytical. Modest. In other words, they're not the ones who are going to be slamming back body shots at the bar. The best drink for intelligent and practical Virgos is a gin and tonic. No fuss, no messy ingredients, no extra calories. Just a classic, to-the-point drink.
To list gin twice in a 12 drink list seems lazy, but to list one right after the other seems supremely slothful. Why not just type a few random keystrokes, or just mash your hand down on the keyboard a couple times and call it a night. Although a gin and tonic is a classic and refreshing drink, I call shenanigans on your choice for Virgos. My older brother and part-owner of ScapeGoat Ink, Vincent Grey, (a.k.a. Donnie Wahlberg from The Sixth Sense), and my little sister, O-Tang (her arms are stupid long and she drinks Tang like she's trapped in space), who, although given totally different monikers look identical to one another, are both Virgos. Do you know what they drink at the bar? Body shots. Always body shots. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, they won't drink anything at the bar unless a person is attached to it. Looks like another fail, slideshow author.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Even in the worst of times, Libras generally seem to have their act together. They're easygoing, urbane, and peaceful. The type of people you can invite to a party and not worry about. You know they'll make conversation and have a perfectly good time, without too much baby-sitting. Totally reliable, just like a martini, which, coincidentally, is the perfect drink for a Libra. Straight up.
What? Are you insane?! Sorry, I just wanted to type that at some point during this article review. First of all, if the author is talking about a proper martini (gin not vodka) then this is the third gin drink they've listed in a row. I know TheDailyMeal.com usually churns out literary muck reminiscent to the pink sludge that was recently discovered in our meat products, but this is getting ridiculous. Although, now thinking about it further, I'll assume they're referring to the bastardized vodka version. Listen, I have no problem with vodka, it can clean a bathroom floor wonderfully. It's OK, I can joke like that because I'm dating a Pollo...um, I mean a Polish-American. All I ask is that people have respect for the classics. If you're going to remove the one ingredient that defines a drink, then have the common decency to at least rename it. Just because it's poured into the same glassware doesn't mean it's the same drink.
My dad is a Libra although according to this slideshow he should be a Scorpio. Guess what he does? He drinks anything that can be drunk from a bottle or poured directly into a glass. He doesn't believe in mixing because he's a purist, that is unless someone else makes it for him, then he'll drink anything. I once saw him drink Brandy Alexanders out of galoshes because someone else made it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpios are determined, forceful, and powerful. Also, they can get jealous and obsessive, which is why they probably shouldn't overindulge in alcohol. But when they do, a nice glass of whiskey, neat, should do the trick.
Wow, three sentences again, huh? Looks like Scorpio joins the ranks with Pisces as another ex-lover of the author. Wait, I wonder if perhaps the previously mentioned Pisces cheated on the author, who is so obviously a unique-cocktail-drinking Aries, with a Scorpio? The author couldn't cope with the heartbreak, so she/he secretly wrote this slideshow to get back at both of them. Well, she/he really showed those two signs who is a strong, independent man/woman. Also, I think it's humorous that the author says that Scorpios shouldn't overindulge in alcohol, yet their drink of choice is whiskey. You know what drink I would give someone who shouldn't overindulge? I'd give them something that is easily consumed and can turn a person into a monster. Good call, author, really smart choice.
By the way, my older sister, Angry Bee (She doesn't just get angry, she gets Angry Bee angry) is a Scorpio, although sometimes she acts like a total Libra, if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge). She rarely drinks martinis because they make her, well, ANGRY. However, now that she's a mother of two miniature humans she subscribes to the same parenting method as our mother used when raising us: drink until the kids seem likable again. Obviously with our mom we never attained the "likable" status, which explains her tiny, little, blackened liver. I'm pretty sure Angry Bee is venturing down the same path as well.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarians are freedom-loving, honest, and straightforward they enjoy the simple things in life. No frilly, fancy drinks for them; they prefer something drawn right out of the keg at a friendly bar, preferably an IPA. (Or a simple cranberry vodka, for the Sagittarians who don't like beer.) They'll drink anything that they can order at bars of all calibers, without having to think about it too much.
I have a feeling that the author was trying to use beer as a last ditch effort here to establish a connection with the reader. And, what better way to attempt that than mentioning the overrated and ever-trendy IPA. Fail. As far as cranberry vodka, I'll withhold from imbibing that unless I develop a severe urinary tract infection.
With that said, I will leave you with the musical styling of the Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores. Have a wonderful Friday and remember if you write a poorly crafted slideshow, I will find you. Note: I'm looking directly at TheDailyMeal.com.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
Note: Since the extent of my astrological knowledge is about as vast as my knowledge of tampoons, I referred to the astrological Web site, Universal Psychic Guild, which was written by Athena Starwoman (sounds like an authoritative resource to me) to help fill in my gaps. I also have to give credit where credit is due, so thank you to the tone-deaf, Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores for completing my zodiac education. I now feel I am fully prepared to write authoritatively on all things zodiac related.
"What's Your Drink Horoscope?"
Written by ashamed anonymous author; commented in italics by ScapeGoat Ink.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorns are practical, prudent, careful, and reserved. In other words, if they do go for a wild night out, you can bet they're sipping plenty of water between drinks. Additionally, Capricorns, with their penchant for pessimism, don't always make for the best company after overly imbibing. The best drink for a Capricorn, therefore, is a nice, crisp glass of pinot grigio, which can be happily sipped in moderation all evening.
Oh no they didn't Capricorns. Did this slideshow just call all of you irritable light weights that are about as much fun to hang out with as a bag of lice? It also seems pretty harsh to don all of you pinot drinkers. By this slideshows assessment, Capricorns, we most certainly will never be friends. Never fret, according to Athena Starwoman, of the Universal Psychic Guild, "Although many Capricorns are borderline workaholics, this doesn't necessarily make them dull or gloomy!" Oh thank God, I hate sharing a bottle of pinot with grumpy Gus's.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The perfect drink for wild, eccentric, ambitious Aquarius? Tequila, obviously, in all of its glorious forms: shots, mixed up in margaritas, stirred with orange juice and grenadine, whatever. But the best way for them to drink tequila is with a strong, spicy twist of jalapeño, because unpredictable and intractable Aquarians have a kick.
Wow that's some high praise. It certainly sounds like The Fifth Dimension was right, "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius." Apparently Aquarians also have iron bellies because I'm not sure how many other people can power through shot after shot of tequila with a twist of jalapeño without burning a hole in their stomachs the night before and a hole in their pants the morning after. Have fun sharting fire all day, Aquarians! Unfortunately for the author, Starwoman has a different take on this sign, which she explains, "Aquarians are the zodiac's most mysterious and unusual people—and no two are anything alike." So to say that Aquarians perfect drink is tequila is a bit like making a wild assumption like just because you dressed your cat up in tiny doll-like clothes, bought a theater ticket for it, and assured the usher that this is your small, hairy child that it's acceptable for the usher to let you both in, even if it is to see the Broadway musical, Cats.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are sensitive, selfless, kind, and maybe a little bit unworldly, at times. In other words, the human equivalent of a White Russian. Delicious, sweet, comforting, homey.
Wow, somebody hates Pisces. It took three sentences to conclude that we're chubby, book-reading pansies who crave sweets and love napping. I detect that the author may have been jilted by a Pisces and was channeling their brokenhearted past. Take a seat, Starwoman, I've got this one. At first, I wasn't too offended because if White Russians are good enough for Lebowski than they are certainly good enough for me. However, to have the shortest write-up and to say nothing about our rugged good-looks, hilarious sense of humor, and well-endowed packages is just insulting. The Dude does NOT abide. Furthermore, nameless author, I hope two men break into your apartment and piss on your rug.
Aries (March21-April 19)
People under the sign of Aries are adventurous, dynamic, and pioneering. They love to try new things, and aren't afraid to experiment, which is why this whole mixology renaissance has been amazing for them. Lillet? Fernet? Barrel-aged cocktails? Whatever unique cocktail is on the menu, Ariens are up for trying it. They're pretty awesome like that.
If I was a betting man, odds are the author's an Aries. I also find it curious that of all twelve of the zodiac signs, Aries is the only one that doesn't have a specific drink to describe them, but instead they have "unique cocktails." Yeah that seems fair. Starwoman says this about the sign, "Aries can be a confusing sign because there is a complex combination of very strong masculine and feminine expressions all combined together." Well, author, you can have your plethora of cocktails, maybe they'll help you cope with the fact that you're more than likely going to develop man-boobies, or a vagina-sack later in life. Enjoy your confusing body!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taureans are warmhearted, friendly people who enjoy good company, and convivial nights with close friends. They're not ones for crazy adventures, change, or fads just good times. They do, however, appreciate life's little luxuries. In other words, they like to drink the good stuff. The perfect drink for a Taurus, therefore, is a nice glass of scotch (Glenfiddich, perhaps?), to be enjoyed in a room full of old friends.
What do I know about this sign? Absolutely nothing. I do, however, know it's a great car made by Ford. I actually used to own a '05 in Teige (Tan/Beige). It was the first car I ever owned. I loved that car. I'd still love that car if it hadn't been totaled in 2011 by some impatient woman making a left turn into oncoming traffic. I happened to be the oncoming traffic that day. Luckily, no one was seriously injured, including alcoholic girlfriend who was sitting shotgun at the time, although we were taken to the hospital. Oh, I forgot to mention that the woman didn't have insurance either. Oh yeah, and immediately after the accident she started yelling, "Why were you going so fast?!" I suppose she's right, the speed limit is a bit TOO fast sometimes. We still get weekly calls from creditors about our unpaid medical bills, which were supposed to be the responsibility of the guilty party; however, in this instance, it apparently pays to be uninsured.
Man, after that story I sure could go for two fingers of Glenlivet, but since I'm a Pisces, I guess I'll settle for a White Russian on this warm day. On a positive note, AG's sister, mini lobes, just happened to have a spare '04 Taurus lying around that she's currently letting us borrow. So, I'm keeping the Taurus streak alive and well. Holler!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini are known for being at ease in all social situations they're flirtatious, extroverted, quick, and clever. In other words, they're... bubbly. (See where we're going here?) Obviously, the perfect drink for effervescent Geminis is a flute of prosecco, sipped between conversations, while holding court at a party.
This description sounds like a blurb from Sex and the City. By the way, does anyone else think that show should have simply been titled, "Whores"? According to Starwoman, "Terminally curious and sometimes even mischievous, Gemini's are multi-faceted souls who enjoy knowing a little bit of everything but generally not too much about one particular subject. It's just that variety is the spice of their lives!" Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like Gemini's would be better suited with unique cocktails than Aries would be, am I right?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers are basically a roller coaster of emotions. They're wonderfully loving and imaginative, but also moody, clingy, and... sort of dramatic? In other words, Cancers lead passionate, dramatic lives, and what better liquid supplement to passionate, dramatic lives than red wine? Probably something Italian, like a chianti, or a barbera, something you can both raise your glass with and cry into, depending on the mood.
Wow, that's pretty rude. I'd be moody too if I had Cancer. Not cool, author, not cool at all.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are generous, warmhearted, faithful, and creative. What better drink for them, then, than versatile Dutch gin (Genever)? This juniper-flavored drink is the oldest variety of gin, and has been keeping people warm and jovial for centuries. Best of all, its an alcohol that lets Leos be endlessly creative in its consumption, as it can be mixed into almost any cocktail, yet is equally good sipped alone.
Although I maintain that using an astrological sign to decide what a person drinks is insane, I will say that I'm not entirely deterred by the decision of gin for Leos. My mom is a Leo and if lions were alcoholics, she'd be the king of the drunk jungle, or drungle, if you will. When I lived at home my mom and I used to have Martini Friday's when I'd get home from work. We'd basically drink martinis and talk about how amazing we were. The evening would usually conclude the same way: we'd get drunk; we'd realize we were actually SO amazing that it might be hindering our successes in life, and dinner would usually consist of the olives sitting in the bottom of our glasses. No, I don't think gin had anything to do with our shortcomings.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are wonderful people, but they can be a little... meticulous. Analytical. Modest. In other words, they're not the ones who are going to be slamming back body shots at the bar. The best drink for intelligent and practical Virgos is a gin and tonic. No fuss, no messy ingredients, no extra calories. Just a classic, to-the-point drink.
To list gin twice in a 12 drink list seems lazy, but to list one right after the other seems supremely slothful. Why not just type a few random keystrokes, or just mash your hand down on the keyboard a couple times and call it a night. Although a gin and tonic is a classic and refreshing drink, I call shenanigans on your choice for Virgos. My older brother and part-owner of ScapeGoat Ink, Vincent Grey, (a.k.a. Donnie Wahlberg from The Sixth Sense), and my little sister, O-Tang (her arms are stupid long and she drinks Tang like she's trapped in space), who, although given totally different monikers look identical to one another, are both Virgos. Do you know what they drink at the bar? Body shots. Always body shots. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, they won't drink anything at the bar unless a person is attached to it. Looks like another fail, slideshow author.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Even in the worst of times, Libras generally seem to have their act together. They're easygoing, urbane, and peaceful. The type of people you can invite to a party and not worry about. You know they'll make conversation and have a perfectly good time, without too much baby-sitting. Totally reliable, just like a martini, which, coincidentally, is the perfect drink for a Libra. Straight up.
What? Are you insane?! Sorry, I just wanted to type that at some point during this article review. First of all, if the author is talking about a proper martini (gin not vodka) then this is the third gin drink they've listed in a row. I know TheDailyMeal.com usually churns out literary muck reminiscent to the pink sludge that was recently discovered in our meat products, but this is getting ridiculous. Although, now thinking about it further, I'll assume they're referring to the bastardized vodka version. Listen, I have no problem with vodka, it can clean a bathroom floor wonderfully. It's OK, I can joke like that because I'm dating a Pollo...um, I mean a Polish-American. All I ask is that people have respect for the classics. If you're going to remove the one ingredient that defines a drink, then have the common decency to at least rename it. Just because it's poured into the same glassware doesn't mean it's the same drink.
My dad is a Libra although according to this slideshow he should be a Scorpio. Guess what he does? He drinks anything that can be drunk from a bottle or poured directly into a glass. He doesn't believe in mixing because he's a purist, that is unless someone else makes it for him, then he'll drink anything. I once saw him drink Brandy Alexanders out of galoshes because someone else made it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpios are determined, forceful, and powerful. Also, they can get jealous and obsessive, which is why they probably shouldn't overindulge in alcohol. But when they do, a nice glass of whiskey, neat, should do the trick.
Wow, three sentences again, huh? Looks like Scorpio joins the ranks with Pisces as another ex-lover of the author. Wait, I wonder if perhaps the previously mentioned Pisces cheated on the author, who is so obviously a unique-cocktail-drinking Aries, with a Scorpio? The author couldn't cope with the heartbreak, so she/he secretly wrote this slideshow to get back at both of them. Well, she/he really showed those two signs who is a strong, independent man/woman. Also, I think it's humorous that the author says that Scorpios shouldn't overindulge in alcohol, yet their drink of choice is whiskey. You know what drink I would give someone who shouldn't overindulge? I'd give them something that is easily consumed and can turn a person into a monster. Good call, author, really smart choice.
By the way, my older sister, Angry Bee (She doesn't just get angry, she gets Angry Bee angry) is a Scorpio, although sometimes she acts like a total Libra, if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge). She rarely drinks martinis because they make her, well, ANGRY. However, now that she's a mother of two miniature humans she subscribes to the same parenting method as our mother used when raising us: drink until the kids seem likable again. Obviously with our mom we never attained the "likable" status, which explains her tiny, little, blackened liver. I'm pretty sure Angry Bee is venturing down the same path as well.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarians are freedom-loving, honest, and straightforward they enjoy the simple things in life. No frilly, fancy drinks for them; they prefer something drawn right out of the keg at a friendly bar, preferably an IPA. (Or a simple cranberry vodka, for the Sagittarians who don't like beer.) They'll drink anything that they can order at bars of all calibers, without having to think about it too much.
I have a feeling that the author was trying to use beer as a last ditch effort here to establish a connection with the reader. And, what better way to attempt that than mentioning the overrated and ever-trendy IPA. Fail. As far as cranberry vodka, I'll withhold from imbibing that unless I develop a severe urinary tract infection.
With that said, I will leave you with the musical styling of the Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores. Have a wonderful Friday and remember if you write a poorly crafted slideshow, I will find you. Note: I'm looking directly at TheDailyMeal.com.
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Case of the Monday's: Step Brothers
My parent's St. Patrick's Day party was a success. It may have helped that we had perfect weather, plenty of ice-cold beers to go around, and friends and family to share it with. In the nines years that they've been hosting this fine event, the weather was by far the most cooperative it has ever been. It was so beautiful that the party actually spilled over into Sunday and replaced what should have been a hefty hangover with another delightful day of cold drinks, good laughs, and eventually pizza. It's safe to say that this is close to what I envision heaven to be like, only instead of getting our own drinks we'd all have personal robot butlers to make and serve us drinks. My robot butler would have a huge handlebar mustache, of course I'd force him to wear a hairnet while making me drinks, and his name would be Gentleman Harry.
Unfortunately, after a great weekend like that it somehow makes Monday's feel that much rougher. I suppose postponing my hangover for today instead of allowing it to ruin my Sunday may have had a little something to do with it; however, I can't think of a better day to feel like someone removed my eyes and shoved a piping hot branding iron into my skull then what started out to be a gloomy Monday. Luckily the weather is turning around, so by the time you leave for your commute home you'll get a nice blast of sun and the knowledge that Monday is behind you and it's only going to get better as each day puts you a step closer to the weekend. Since you still spent your Monday working, here's the entire gag reel from the hilarious movie, Step Brothers, starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. I watched this movie last night while I was fighting off my hangover with more cocktails and I actually laughed so hard someone else peed my pants. Enjoy!
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
Unfortunately, after a great weekend like that it somehow makes Monday's feel that much rougher. I suppose postponing my hangover for today instead of allowing it to ruin my Sunday may have had a little something to do with it; however, I can't think of a better day to feel like someone removed my eyes and shoved a piping hot branding iron into my skull then what started out to be a gloomy Monday. Luckily the weather is turning around, so by the time you leave for your commute home you'll get a nice blast of sun and the knowledge that Monday is behind you and it's only going to get better as each day puts you a step closer to the weekend. Since you still spent your Monday working, here's the entire gag reel from the hilarious movie, Step Brothers, starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. I watched this movie last night while I was fighting off my hangover with more cocktails and I actually laughed so hard someone else peed my pants. Enjoy!
Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Happy St. Patrick's Day 2012!
Well, I'm drunk and a happy St. Patrick's Day to you too! I'll keep this brief because the more I type the more all of you have to read and the less time we'll have to booze. This video clip was sent to me by my pocket-size Cananadadian (Read it really fast five times, trust me it gets funnier), so I figured I'd share it with all of you. The musician is Adam Cole and the song is, (A Biologist's) St. Patrick's Day Song. Enjoy, and remember, you may not be Irish 364 days out of the year, but today you're as green as the rest of us! Oh, and I'll bet you $100 you won't be able to lock eyes with the singer, not once. If you claim you can, you need to drink more, liar.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Winter Weekend Happenings: St. Patrick's Day Weekend Edition
As you may have gathered from my St. Patrick's Day countdown, which started 60 days out, I get pretty jazzed up (yes, I'm subsequently doing Jazz hands right now) about this holiday and I can't believe we're merely a day away from Irish whiskey fountains and dark pools of chilled Guinness colliding in my belly. My only goal for tonight is to not over-anxiously drink myself into a stupor and ruin what is undoubtedly going to be glorious day tomorrow. Or, maybe, just maybe, I should start drinking now and just continue on through tomorrow? I think I might be on to something.
My parent's, for the last nine years in a row, have hosted a St. Patrick's Day party, which has ranged from fun to blackout fun to "What happened last night, and where the heck are my kidneys?!" fun. One year a guest may or may not have drunkenly toppled into the upstairs bathtub and decided to make that their "nest" for the rest of the evening. That guest may or may not have been me. Regardless, I realize that I've got my drunken festivities planned for tomorrow, but some of you poor souls may not. So, here's a list of options from Time Out Chicago, originally posted in #Chicago blog by Christopher James Palafox, so plan accordingly. I cut a few options because they were already past or they involved running, which is just silly...unless a panther is chasing you then it's just plain smart. And remember, EVERYONE'S Irish on St. Paddy's Day, so go forth and enjoy!
Dyeing the Chicago River
In order to match that tall glass of Green Beer you’re imbibing, this privately-funded tradition transforms the Chicago River into a shimmering Kelly green. Using a secret Eco-friendly formula, the local Plumbers Union make over the river to the chagrin of blue lovers everywhere. Primo spectator spots are located at the intersection of Michigan Ave, Wacker Dr., and the river. 399 N Columbus Dr (312-942-9188, greenchicagoriver.com). Mar 17 at 10am; free.
St. Patty’s Crawl Chicago
This crawl is back for its 15th year and its biggest party yet. Originally hosted in friends’ apartments, this pub crawl has become the elder statesman of St. Patrick’s Day drinking. Excalibur, 632 N. Dearborn St. (312-266-1944, stpattyscrawlchicago.com). Mar 17 at 9:30am; $45 wristband includes open bar.
St. Patrick’s Day Parade
As luck would have it; this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade will actually be celebrated on the titular holiday and not the Saturday preceding it. The 57th occurrence of this Chi-town tradition can be seen as a heralding of spring, as we say “buh-bye” to cold weather and hello to less cold weather. The parade offers a chance to celebrate yours and others inner-Irish—whether you’re full-blooded or as Irish as a box of Lucky Charms. 300 E. Balbo Dr. (312-421-1010, chicagostpatsparade.com). Mar 17 at noon; free.
St. Patrick’s Festival
The Irish American Heritage Center celebrates traditional and contemporary Irish culture with this post-parade fest. Irish musicians Tim O’ Shea and Patrick Buckley join Chicago Irish acts for music, dance, food and even children’s activities at this family friendly event. Irish American Heritage Center, 4626 N. Knox Ave. (773-282-7035, irish-american.org). Mar 17 at 1pm; $15, advance $12, children under 13 free.
Now, if you're like me and you already have a party you're attending tomorrow, but need ideas on what to bring, click here. Alcoholic girlfriend's sister, mini lobes, was kind enough to post that link on ScapeGoat Ink's Facebook fan page, which details 11 recipes that involve Guinness. Mmm, boozy food. All right, well now I'm severely parched and craving some libations. You know what, a few beers won't hurt. See you on the green side everybody. Sláinte!
To read all my St. Patrick's Day posts, which started at 60 days and continued on to 50 days. Then The Leprechauns rang in 37 days with their rendition of, "Oh Danny Boy." And finally, Shane MacGowan, of Pogues legend, lent his drunken yet angelic vocals to ring in 30 days.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
My parent's, for the last nine years in a row, have hosted a St. Patrick's Day party, which has ranged from fun to blackout fun to "What happened last night, and where the heck are my kidneys?!" fun. One year a guest may or may not have drunkenly toppled into the upstairs bathtub and decided to make that their "nest" for the rest of the evening. That guest may or may not have been me. Regardless, I realize that I've got my drunken festivities planned for tomorrow, but some of you poor souls may not. So, here's a list of options from Time Out Chicago, originally posted in #Chicago blog by Christopher James Palafox, so plan accordingly. I cut a few options because they were already past or they involved running, which is just silly...unless a panther is chasing you then it's just plain smart. And remember, EVERYONE'S Irish on St. Paddy's Day, so go forth and enjoy!
Dyeing the Chicago River
In order to match that tall glass of Green Beer you’re imbibing, this privately-funded tradition transforms the Chicago River into a shimmering Kelly green. Using a secret Eco-friendly formula, the local Plumbers Union make over the river to the chagrin of blue lovers everywhere. Primo spectator spots are located at the intersection of Michigan Ave, Wacker Dr., and the river. 399 N Columbus Dr (312-942-9188, greenchicagoriver.com). Mar 17 at 10am; free.
St. Patty’s Crawl Chicago
This crawl is back for its 15th year and its biggest party yet. Originally hosted in friends’ apartments, this pub crawl has become the elder statesman of St. Patrick’s Day drinking. Excalibur, 632 N. Dearborn St. (312-266-1944, stpattyscrawlchicago.com). Mar 17 at 9:30am; $45 wristband includes open bar.
St. Patrick’s Day Parade
As luck would have it; this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade will actually be celebrated on the titular holiday and not the Saturday preceding it. The 57th occurrence of this Chi-town tradition can be seen as a heralding of spring, as we say “buh-bye” to cold weather and hello to less cold weather. The parade offers a chance to celebrate yours and others inner-Irish—whether you’re full-blooded or as Irish as a box of Lucky Charms. 300 E. Balbo Dr. (312-421-1010, chicagostpatsparade.com). Mar 17 at noon; free.
St. Patrick’s Festival
The Irish American Heritage Center celebrates traditional and contemporary Irish culture with this post-parade fest. Irish musicians Tim O’ Shea and Patrick Buckley join Chicago Irish acts for music, dance, food and even children’s activities at this family friendly event. Irish American Heritage Center, 4626 N. Knox Ave. (773-282-7035, irish-american.org). Mar 17 at 1pm; $15, advance $12, children under 13 free.
Now, if you're like me and you already have a party you're attending tomorrow, but need ideas on what to bring, click here. Alcoholic girlfriend's sister, mini lobes, was kind enough to post that link on ScapeGoat Ink's Facebook fan page, which details 11 recipes that involve Guinness. Mmm, boozy food. All right, well now I'm severely parched and craving some libations. You know what, a few beers won't hurt. See you on the green side everybody. Sláinte!
To read all my St. Patrick's Day posts, which started at 60 days and continued on to 50 days. Then The Leprechauns rang in 37 days with their rendition of, "Oh Danny Boy." And finally, Shane MacGowan, of Pogues legend, lent his drunken yet angelic vocals to ring in 30 days.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Harpoon Celtic Ale Review
This week has been unseasonably warm to the point where I just showered, yet I feel like I'm now bathing in my own sweat while typing this. I'm sweating from typing!? No, Mom, I'm sure it's not because I'm lazy, overweight, and subscribe to the self-invented Pizza Diet. I know, it's March and it's beautiful out. I'm not complaining about the weather, my pasty body just hasn't adapted to "summer" mode yet because it's still waiting for spring, well, actually winter too I suppose. Anyway, since St. Patrick's Day is in two days, I figured I'd review a beer that was both perfect for the celebration this weekend, but also went well with the warmer weather.
Harpoon Celtic Ale is an Irish-style red, which means it is generally a slightly sweet, malty ale. The notable reddish hue comes from the use of small amounts of dark or roasted grains. I personally enjoy reds, especially when the weather starts to change from cold to warm because it's a nice alternative to the heavy, darker beers I'm used to drinking. When poured into a pint glass this beer has a nice, deep amber color to it with a quality head. From the bottle it smelled a little like what it might smell like if a Heineken had mated with a brown ale and created a new hybrid. Luckily it didn't taste like that (whatever that would have tasted like). It has a nice light, crisp flavor to it. It's not as rich as the other Irish-style reds that I'm used to drinking, like Killian's for example; however, it delivers a nice clean flavor.
This beer would be perfect for a warm spring or summer day. Unfortunately, this red is a seasonal brew and is only available from January to March. On the plus side, the weather outside and what's slated for this weekend are perfect conditions for this beer. Regrettably the more I drink this beer the less I enjoy it. Granted, if I had a six pack, I could be persuaded to continue on, but alas this was a single bottle gifted by my parents for my 30th birthday. Don't fret, they bought me 29 more beers outside of this one, which were provided to me in a traveling case, or a cooler as some of you may be accustomed to calling it.
Now back to this beer, to quote the venerable Hans Götman, "If I wanted to drink water, I would have ordered a light beer." This is by no means a bad beer; it's light and has a clean flavor to it, I just wish it had a little more to it. Perhaps, like my over-sized sweat factory (my body) not being accustom to the warm weather yet, my taste buds haven't made the leap to lighter beers yet either? This is a beer that would pair nicely with my Beer Step Program (copyright pending). What's that, you ask? You start the night with really good, flavorful beer and enjoy it to the fullest. Once you're slightly toasted you progress—or step—down to a slightly lower quality, or less flavorful, beer. Why? Because once you start to get drunk you don't appreciate the good and presumably more expensive beers as much, so might as well save some coin and make the transition down. By the end of the night you're drinking absolute swill, but you're hammered and happy so it really doesn't matter anyway. Boom. Beer Step Program.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
ScapeGoat Ink Reviews Harpoon Celtic Ale
Harpoon Celtic Ale is an Irish-style red, which means it is generally a slightly sweet, malty ale. The notable reddish hue comes from the use of small amounts of dark or roasted grains. I personally enjoy reds, especially when the weather starts to change from cold to warm because it's a nice alternative to the heavy, darker beers I'm used to drinking. When poured into a pint glass this beer has a nice, deep amber color to it with a quality head. From the bottle it smelled a little like what it might smell like if a Heineken had mated with a brown ale and created a new hybrid. Luckily it didn't taste like that (whatever that would have tasted like). It has a nice light, crisp flavor to it. It's not as rich as the other Irish-style reds that I'm used to drinking, like Killian's for example; however, it delivers a nice clean flavor.
This beer would be perfect for a warm spring or summer day. Unfortunately, this red is a seasonal brew and is only available from January to March. On the plus side, the weather outside and what's slated for this weekend are perfect conditions for this beer. Regrettably the more I drink this beer the less I enjoy it. Granted, if I had a six pack, I could be persuaded to continue on, but alas this was a single bottle gifted by my parents for my 30th birthday. Don't fret, they bought me 29 more beers outside of this one, which were provided to me in a traveling case, or a cooler as some of you may be accustomed to calling it.
Now back to this beer, to quote the venerable Hans Götman, "If I wanted to drink water, I would have ordered a light beer." This is by no means a bad beer; it's light and has a clean flavor to it, I just wish it had a little more to it. Perhaps, like my over-sized sweat factory (my body) not being accustom to the warm weather yet, my taste buds haven't made the leap to lighter beers yet either? This is a beer that would pair nicely with my Beer Step Program (copyright pending). What's that, you ask? You start the night with really good, flavorful beer and enjoy it to the fullest. Once you're slightly toasted you progress—or step—down to a slightly lower quality, or less flavorful, beer. Why? Because once you start to get drunk you don't appreciate the good and presumably more expensive beers as much, so might as well save some coin and make the transition down. By the end of the night you're drinking absolute swill, but you're hammered and happy so it really doesn't matter anyway. Boom. Beer Step Program.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Classic Beer Commercial #4: Guinness
In honor of St. Patrick's Day being only three days away, I thought this 1993 commercial would be the perfect way to pay homage to the greatest beer and the best drinking holiday, as well as give a nod to a prolific actor who has starred in over 100 films, many of which are now considered cinematic gold.
A couple of Rutger's less critically acclaimed films include Blind Fury, where he stars as, Nick Parker, a blind and furious man. This movie is worth watching if only to see Parker use the hidden sword in his walking stick to slice a man in half. It was based on a true story. I just made that up. He also starred as Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lothos was the king of vampires, which is a title I just dubbed him now. Either way, I'd let Lothos bite me because then Luke Perry and I could hangout, party, and hit on all the Vamp chicks together. Being a vampire doesn't sound so bad now, does it?
Now, let me continue to the guest of honor. There is no way around it, Guinness truly is pure genius. You can't have St. Patrick's Day, or even winter for that matter, without enjoying a pint (give or take ten) of the black stuff with some close friends. I know there are people out there who do not understand, nor enjoy, Guinness. I won't chastise you for not appreciating the deliciousness that's been around since the mid-1700s. Instead, I'll merely give you a smile and offer you thanks, because without people like you, there may not be enough Guinness to go around. Sláinte!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Rutger Hauer, considered by some as the Dutch Paul Newman, has made a career out of playing action heroes and sinister villains. He's probably best known as Roy Batty, the leader of the renegade Nexus-6 replicant group, in the cult-classic, Blade Runner. If you haven't seen this movie, stop reading this post and go watch it immediately. He's also had roles in the comic-book classics, Sin City and Batman Begins, as well as The Rite. He recently wrapped, Hobo with a Shotgun, last year. I haven't seen this film yet, but if it's as good as the teaser on IMDb.com makes it sound, you better believe it's high on my list of movies featuring vengeful hobos, "A homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun." Um, yes, please!
A couple of Rutger's less critically acclaimed films include Blind Fury, where he stars as, Nick Parker, a blind and furious man. This movie is worth watching if only to see Parker use the hidden sword in his walking stick to slice a man in half. It was based on a true story. I just made that up. He also starred as Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lothos was the king of vampires, which is a title I just dubbed him now. Either way, I'd let Lothos bite me because then Luke Perry and I could hangout, party, and hit on all the Vamp chicks together. Being a vampire doesn't sound so bad now, does it?
Now, let me continue to the guest of honor. There is no way around it, Guinness truly is pure genius. You can't have St. Patrick's Day, or even winter for that matter, without enjoying a pint (give or take ten) of the black stuff with some close friends. I know there are people out there who do not understand, nor enjoy, Guinness. I won't chastise you for not appreciating the deliciousness that's been around since the mid-1700s. Instead, I'll merely give you a smile and offer you thanks, because without people like you, there may not be enough Guinness to go around. Sláinte!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Case of the Monday's: Got(ye) Music?
Unfortunately I can't prevent Monday's from happening, but I can provide you with a little smile to help you through the day. I'm sure by now many of you have already heard music by Gotye, specifically the song, "Somebody I Used to Know." If you haven't, click here. Alcoholic girlfriend and her sister, mini lobes, introduced me to this artist and when this song isn't being sung aloud or playing in the background, it remains stuck in my head. Recently the band, Walk Off the Earth, did a cover of Gotye's song. Of course, they couldn't just cover the song in a traditional fashion, so instead the five-member band performed the song on one guitar. It's pretty amazing, click here to watch it. Yesterday, my sister, O-Tang, (She has crazy long arms like Stretch Armstrong and she loves space drinks, specifically Tang.) showed me a video clip of another band, Key of Awesome, doing a parody of Walk Off the Earth covering Gotye's "Somebody I used to know." Here is the video for your viewing pleasure. Don't worry, it's almost Tuesday.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Winter Weekend Happenings (March 9-11)
It's finally the end of the workweek and now it's time to start planning the weekend. That's where we come in (queue ScapeGoat Ink's theme music—anything that rocks). You worked hard all week (or were you hardly working? Heyo! Sorry, I'll kick myself in the crotch for that one), so why don't you relax and just follow our preplanned weekend guide. If you want more suggestions, check out the ever-helpful Time Out Chicago, which is where most of these ideas came from in the first place. Otherwise, have a great weekend and we'll see you on the other side.
Friday, March 9, 2012
pHlip Cup
Comedy
Studio BE at 10 p.m. Ongoing 3110 N Sheffield Ave (between Belmont Ave and Barry St.)
Improvisers constrain themselves to a single narrative that ultimately leads them to a flip-cup tournament against the audience in this solid and enjoyable BYOB improv outing. We laughed heartily.
Jersey Shore: The Musical
Comedy
Studio BE, Friday through Saturday, 7:30 p.m. Ending: Saturday, March, 31. 3110 N Sheffield Ave (between Belmont Ave and Barry St.)
Sketch troupe 4 Days Late's parody of loathsome reality show Jersey Shore is both fearless and funny thanks to winning musical numbers and a grounded performance from Nate Stoner.
First Fridays
This week in Chicago
Ongoing 220 E. Chicago Ave. (at Mies van der Rohe Way)
Join the sea of flirting singles and you'll be rewarded with drinks at the cash bar, free Wolfgang Puck appetizers and maybe even a few phone numbers.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Half Acre Beer Tour
Half Acre Brewery, Sat 1 p.m. Ongoing 4257 N. Lincoln Ave. (at Cullom Ave.)
Head to the North Center for this weekly booze tour where attendees get to sample locally made brews. We recommend purchasing a growler and filling it up with the Gossamer golden ale. Bring a sticker to make your mark on the brewery’s label-laden tank. Registration is required.
Whirled News Tonight
Comedy
iO Del Close Theater, Sat. 8 p.m. Ending: Sat., June, 16 at 8 p.m. 3541 N. Clark St. (between Cornelia and Eddy Sts.)
This weekly winner deserves its prime-time slot. Scenes are based on articles that audience members clip from the dailies and post to the wall.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Chicago's South Side Irish Parade
Sunday, March 11, 2012 at 11:00 a.m. Western Ave-–103rd Street to 115th St.
The South Side Irish St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee is proud to announce that the parade is back on after a slight hiatus. Come out and enjoy all the festivities the parade has to offer. If you're planning on attending, I'd urge you to click on the link above to read the new guidelines set forth for this years parade. You've been warned.
"Jellies"
Museums
Shedd Aquarium, Ending: Monday, May, 28 from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. 1200 S. Lake Shore Dr.
Inside brightly colored, bulbous display cases, groups of jellies bewitch with pulsating rhythms and odd assortments of appendages. Learn about the truly strange creatures and why recent spells of overpopulation, stemming from climate change, are harming the oceans.
Speakeasy Sunday
Clubs
Everleigh Social Club, Sunday, 7 p.m. Ending: Sunday, April, 1 at 7 p.m. 939 W. Randolph St. (between Peoria and Morgan Sts.)
Mixing cool jazz and steamy burlesque, Michelle L'amour and her Chicago starlets tease away your Sunday night in between swinging sets from Ben Tatar and his L'amourchestra.
3033
Comedy
iO Cabaret, Sunday at 10:30 p.m. Ongoing 3541 N. Clark St. (between Cornelia and Eddy Sts.)
Take a quintet of talented improvisers, add a suggestion, and watch the amazing scene work unfold before your eyes. These guys rock. Middle age Comeback opens. Did we mention they're also awesome?
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Friday, March 9, 2012
pHlip Cup
Comedy
Studio BE at 10 p.m. Ongoing 3110 N Sheffield Ave (between Belmont Ave and Barry St.)
Improvisers constrain themselves to a single narrative that ultimately leads them to a flip-cup tournament against the audience in this solid and enjoyable BYOB improv outing. We laughed heartily.
Jersey Shore: The Musical
Comedy
Studio BE, Friday through Saturday, 7:30 p.m. Ending: Saturday, March, 31. 3110 N Sheffield Ave (between Belmont Ave and Barry St.)
Sketch troupe 4 Days Late's parody of loathsome reality show Jersey Shore is both fearless and funny thanks to winning musical numbers and a grounded performance from Nate Stoner.
First Fridays
This week in Chicago
Ongoing 220 E. Chicago Ave. (at Mies van der Rohe Way)
Join the sea of flirting singles and you'll be rewarded with drinks at the cash bar, free Wolfgang Puck appetizers and maybe even a few phone numbers.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Half Acre Beer Tour
Half Acre Brewery, Sat 1 p.m. Ongoing 4257 N. Lincoln Ave. (at Cullom Ave.)
Head to the North Center for this weekly booze tour where attendees get to sample locally made brews. We recommend purchasing a growler and filling it up with the Gossamer golden ale. Bring a sticker to make your mark on the brewery’s label-laden tank. Registration is required.
Whirled News Tonight
Comedy
iO Del Close Theater, Sat. 8 p.m. Ending: Sat., June, 16 at 8 p.m. 3541 N. Clark St. (between Cornelia and Eddy Sts.)
This weekly winner deserves its prime-time slot. Scenes are based on articles that audience members clip from the dailies and post to the wall.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Chicago's South Side Irish Parade
Sunday, March 11, 2012 at 11:00 a.m. Western Ave-–103rd Street to 115th St.
The South Side Irish St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee is proud to announce that the parade is back on after a slight hiatus. Come out and enjoy all the festivities the parade has to offer. If you're planning on attending, I'd urge you to click on the link above to read the new guidelines set forth for this years parade. You've been warned.
"Jellies"
Museums
Shedd Aquarium, Ending: Monday, May, 28 from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. 1200 S. Lake Shore Dr.
Inside brightly colored, bulbous display cases, groups of jellies bewitch with pulsating rhythms and odd assortments of appendages. Learn about the truly strange creatures and why recent spells of overpopulation, stemming from climate change, are harming the oceans.
Speakeasy Sunday
Clubs
Everleigh Social Club, Sunday, 7 p.m. Ending: Sunday, April, 1 at 7 p.m. 939 W. Randolph St. (between Peoria and Morgan Sts.)
Mixing cool jazz and steamy burlesque, Michelle L'amour and her Chicago starlets tease away your Sunday night in between swinging sets from Ben Tatar and his L'amourchestra.
3033
Comedy
iO Cabaret, Sunday at 10:30 p.m. Ongoing 3541 N. Clark St. (between Cornelia and Eddy Sts.)
Take a quintet of talented improvisers, add a suggestion, and watch the amazing scene work unfold before your eyes. These guys rock. Middle age Comeback opens. Did we mention they're also awesome?
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout Review
I keep drinking this beer but, like a boomerang, it keeps ending up right back in my fridge and I like it. Samuel Smith's famed Oatmeal Stout, distributed by Merchant du Vin, is a beer I can't seem to get enough of—literally. On three separate occasions, I've received this beer from three different people—Ms. Laughies, Druncle B., and my drunkard parents. It's nice to know that when it comes to alcohol, people seem to know me pretty well.
ScapeGoat Ink Reviews Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout
My love of winter hinges on one thing and one thing alone—dark, flavorful brews. I'd even go so far as to say that I would selfishly choose another month of coldness (well, perhaps coldness isn't the correct word considering the weather we've had) for an additional month of drinking stouts and porters. This oatmeal stout comes from the Old Brewery Tadcaster, Yorkshire, England and pours dark with a creamy tan head, yet it's surprisingly light tasting. Like an oatmeal cookie, this brew has a slight sweetness, similar to molasses with a dash of cinnamon, but mellows into a nutty, almost toasty, bitter finish. It's fascinating how much stouts and porters develop in flavor when they're not ice cold, but served slightly closer to room temperature. I was able to compare the flavors between a brew directly from the fridge and one that had time to develop and the difference is like night and day. Ice cold, this beer has a single flavor that ends quite abruptly, but when it's served a little nearer room temperature, it turns into a very flavorful, silky, complex brew.
I like this oatmeal stout; it has a nice old timey feel to it, which is to be expected since it comes from an English brewery that was established in 1758. However, in addition to its old roots, this beer tastes like the recipe hasn't changed since it was first created. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? I also have a fondness for brews that come in oversize bottles because there's more for me to enjoy. This is definitely a solid oatmeal stout that I'll be drinking again. I just noticed that I'm down to my last bottle in the fridge, so I'll leave the door wide open for the boomerang effect to take place (hint, hint). Cheers!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
ScapeGoat Ink Reviews Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout
My love of winter hinges on one thing and one thing alone—dark, flavorful brews. I'd even go so far as to say that I would selfishly choose another month of coldness (well, perhaps coldness isn't the correct word considering the weather we've had) for an additional month of drinking stouts and porters. This oatmeal stout comes from the Old Brewery Tadcaster, Yorkshire, England and pours dark with a creamy tan head, yet it's surprisingly light tasting. Like an oatmeal cookie, this brew has a slight sweetness, similar to molasses with a dash of cinnamon, but mellows into a nutty, almost toasty, bitter finish. It's fascinating how much stouts and porters develop in flavor when they're not ice cold, but served slightly closer to room temperature. I was able to compare the flavors between a brew directly from the fridge and one that had time to develop and the difference is like night and day. Ice cold, this beer has a single flavor that ends quite abruptly, but when it's served a little nearer room temperature, it turns into a very flavorful, silky, complex brew.
I like this oatmeal stout; it has a nice old timey feel to it, which is to be expected since it comes from an English brewery that was established in 1758. However, in addition to its old roots, this beer tastes like the recipe hasn't changed since it was first created. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? I also have a fondness for brews that come in oversize bottles because there's more for me to enjoy. This is definitely a solid oatmeal stout that I'll be drinking again. I just noticed that I'm down to my last bottle in the fridge, so I'll leave the door wide open for the boomerang effect to take place (hint, hint). Cheers!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Classic Beer Commercial #3: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Last week I turned 30 and I received a pretty righteous gift from alcoholic girlfriend's brother, Abracadaniel (He's a struggling magician just trying to make it in this crazy, mixed-up world). He bought me a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Get it? There were 30 cans of beer for every year I'd kicked ass on this earth. Boom. Needless to say, I've had PBR on my mind and in my stomach for the past few days, so when I stumbled across this commercial, I didn't think it was fate, I KNEW it was.
It's obvious that this is a great commercial; however, my only issue is that I find the PBR imagery to be a little distracting. The song in the background asked me, "What's on my mind?" and, I'll be honest, I only have one thing on my mind and it's how flippin' amazeballs Sam Wheat looks the entire time. Question: Can you rock a silk scarf? I didn't think so. Do you know who can? Bodhi, that's who. I almost feel sorry for women who watch this clip because they can't get erections. I mean, can a person ask for anything more than Dalton gyrating his hips to some disc-OH-Yeah beats? If I was pitching this ad campaign, I'd nix the unattractive female. I know it's not her fault she looks like an ogre standing next to the ever-chiseled Darrel Curtis, but I can't have her distracting from the real talent. Plus, I'd revise the song to something a little catchier, like, "Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-na, when the sun goes down and the evening rolls around, that's the time I find, I've got The Swayze on my mind." Boom. I knew I should have worked in advertising instead of being an alcoholic.
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Normally when I do this feature I'll choose a vintage commercial that might make no sense, but it highlights an old pervert that I can relate to, like this Hamm's classic. Or, I'll choose something that I can really learn from and appreciate, like this Schlitz gem. Today's 1979 commercial falls in the category of pure awesomeness. Not only does it feature Johnny Castle himself—in his prime, I might add—but it also combines two of my favorite things: ice-cold beer and Disco. My one regret in life is that my parents gave birth to me in the 80s instead of the 60s, so that I could have been right smack dab in the thick of Disco. I would have Mr. Saturday Night Fevered all over the entire crowd every single night of the week. Sadly, my parents are selfish and thought only of themselves when they birthed me. Thanks a lot, you couple of drunks.
It's obvious that this is a great commercial; however, my only issue is that I find the PBR imagery to be a little distracting. The song in the background asked me, "What's on my mind?" and, I'll be honest, I only have one thing on my mind and it's how flippin' amazeballs Sam Wheat looks the entire time. Question: Can you rock a silk scarf? I didn't think so. Do you know who can? Bodhi, that's who. I almost feel sorry for women who watch this clip because they can't get erections. I mean, can a person ask for anything more than Dalton gyrating his hips to some disc-OH-Yeah beats? If I was pitching this ad campaign, I'd nix the unattractive female. I know it's not her fault she looks like an ogre standing next to the ever-chiseled Darrel Curtis, but I can't have her distracting from the real talent. Plus, I'd revise the song to something a little catchier, like, "Na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-na, when the sun goes down and the evening rolls around, that's the time I find, I've got The Swayze on my mind." Boom. I knew I should have worked in advertising instead of being an alcoholic.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Can Scotch Stay Classy...In A Can?
Scotch—once revered as the gentleman's drink of choice—may be changing its persona forever. I recently read an article, "Keepin' it Classy: Scotch Whiskey Will Soon Come in a Can," by Taylor Bigler of The Daily Caller. Initially, I thought this was an article headline written by The Onion, or perhaps an April Fool's joke that leaked early, but according to the article, "The Huffington Post reported that a Florida whiskey maker, Scottish Spirits, will sell Scotch whiskey in a green and gold can." Well, at least they chose classy colors, right?
This comes only a few months after I reported about another article chastising ArKay Beverages for creating a non-alcoholic, whiskey-flavored beverage that has presumably already hit markets. Non-alcoholic whiskey sounds bad enough, but they were also going to offer it in cans, which to me seems like a double slap in the face. Now I find that legitimate (I use that term loosely) scotch makers are starting to lean in the direction of the can, too? I understand the box opened up a whole new market for wine (I'd be lying if I said I'd never had it), but shouldn't we draw the line somewhere? What will be next, bags of beer? Or, maybe boxed bourbon?
According to Ken Rubenfeld, vice president of operations at Scottish Spirits, "Each can of Scottish Spirits will contain 12 ounces—about eight shots—of 80-proof 'single grain scotch whiskey,' distilled and matured for three years in oak casks in Scotland. The company hopes to have its cans on shelves in major American markets by Feb. 1, retailing for $5 apiece." I will admit, paying $5 for 8 shots sounds like a hell of a bargain. However, how good can a $5 can of scotch really be? Sure, it sounds like a steal, but you can also pick up a six pack of (insert beer you drank in college here) for dirt cheap, but the problem is it tastes like Grandma's bathwater. So, is it really worth it? That question is directed toward people who DO NOT enjoy drinking their grandma's bathwater.
Rubenfeld further explains “A lot of people like to have beverages by their pool, on their boat, in a campground, at sporting events or tailgate parties [Someone's channeling Dr. Suess's, Sam I Am]. It’s easier to bring a six pack of a beverage verses bringing a bottle of scotch.” OK, I can understand the convenience aspect of it. Oh, wait, no I can't. Has everyone forgotten about the exceptionally amazing convenience of flasks? You don't have to carry around an entire bottle, nor did you ever have to carry one around. The best part about flasks is they don't make you look like a jackass drinking whiskey from a can. Plus, they come in a number of sizes so you can still bring a lot or a little. Hell, you can even bring more than one. Sorry, Rubenfeld, did I just piss in your whiskey can?
Furthermore, critics are concerned that cans will encourage people to chug the whiskey, rather than sip it out of a snifter the way it was intended, because it doesn't come in a resealable canister. My guess is that anyone who'd chug whiskey from a can would also chug it from a bottle, a boot, a hooker's ass crack, and a flower pot. So, I think it's safe to say that it's a moot point. In conclusion, Florida, just because you wear stupid tropical shirts year round and you smell like moth balls and despair doesn't mean you need to take something classy and put your spin on it.
P.S. Florida, did anyone ever tell you look like America's penis?
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
This comes only a few months after I reported about another article chastising ArKay Beverages for creating a non-alcoholic, whiskey-flavored beverage that has presumably already hit markets. Non-alcoholic whiskey sounds bad enough, but they were also going to offer it in cans, which to me seems like a double slap in the face. Now I find that legitimate (I use that term loosely) scotch makers are starting to lean in the direction of the can, too? I understand the box opened up a whole new market for wine (I'd be lying if I said I'd never had it), but shouldn't we draw the line somewhere? What will be next, bags of beer? Or, maybe boxed bourbon?
According to Ken Rubenfeld, vice president of operations at Scottish Spirits, "Each can of Scottish Spirits will contain 12 ounces—about eight shots—of 80-proof 'single grain scotch whiskey,' distilled and matured for three years in oak casks in Scotland. The company hopes to have its cans on shelves in major American markets by Feb. 1, retailing for $5 apiece." I will admit, paying $5 for 8 shots sounds like a hell of a bargain. However, how good can a $5 can of scotch really be? Sure, it sounds like a steal, but you can also pick up a six pack of (insert beer you drank in college here) for dirt cheap, but the problem is it tastes like Grandma's bathwater. So, is it really worth it? That question is directed toward people who DO NOT enjoy drinking their grandma's bathwater.
Rubenfeld further explains “A lot of people like to have beverages by their pool, on their boat, in a campground, at sporting events or tailgate parties [Someone's channeling Dr. Suess's, Sam I Am]. It’s easier to bring a six pack of a beverage verses bringing a bottle of scotch.” OK, I can understand the convenience aspect of it. Oh, wait, no I can't. Has everyone forgotten about the exceptionally amazing convenience of flasks? You don't have to carry around an entire bottle, nor did you ever have to carry one around. The best part about flasks is they don't make you look like a jackass drinking whiskey from a can. Plus, they come in a number of sizes so you can still bring a lot or a little. Hell, you can even bring more than one. Sorry, Rubenfeld, did I just piss in your whiskey can?
Furthermore, critics are concerned that cans will encourage people to chug the whiskey, rather than sip it out of a snifter the way it was intended, because it doesn't come in a resealable canister. My guess is that anyone who'd chug whiskey from a can would also chug it from a bottle, a boot, a hooker's ass crack, and a flower pot. So, I think it's safe to say that it's a moot point. In conclusion, Florida, just because you wear stupid tropical shirts year round and you smell like moth balls and despair doesn't mean you need to take something classy and put your spin on it.
P.S. Florida, did anyone ever tell you look like America's penis?
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Case of the Monday's: The Karate Kid
Today, I've decided to start a new segment here at Dipso Facto entitled, Case of the Monday's, which is a tribute to the iconic movie, Office Space. Basically, Monday's are the red-headed stepchild of the week. No one likes them, yet everyone has to deal with them EVERY week. So, I've decided to help my readers cope with the transition from a fun-filled weekend of boozin' and relaxin' to the beginning of the 5-day workweek with a little inspiration. Each week the theme will be entirely different, but I'll give you a hint, it'll probably hinge on whatever 80s classic movie I watched on Sunday while polishing off a Bloody Mary.
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I know you probably don't hear this often enough, fair reader, but I think you're a real asset to the team. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that "You're the Best." On a side note, keep your eyes open for the fighter at 1:33. You're telling me that ogre is a Cobra Kai? I call shenanigans. I think Daniel's mom would have been a better investment training-wise than that slow-moving, mouth breather. Now go forth, my little karate kid's and Crane Kick the shit out of this week. Remember, "Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything." I believe in you!
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Happy 30th Birthday to ME!
Well, the big 3-0
finally caught up to me. Unfortunately my bed was not an appropriate
place to hide. It's as if 30 knew I was going to be there instead of at
the gym, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or mentoring today's youth of America (sorry foreigners) at
the YMCA, which is where I usually spend my Friday mornings. In honor of my impending death racing ever closer toward me, I've decided to draft a list of 30 signs I'm getting older.
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- My testicles have started their second descent since puberty, and now they actually dangle out of the bottom of my shorts.
- I wear even shorter shorts now.
- I often wake up with a new pulled muscle from tossing and turning too vigorously in my sleep.
- I constantly forget where I parked the car (even when I'm still in the car).
- Farting on, or near, people in a store or restaurant used to be done out of amusement, now I just can't help it.
- I've taken to shoplifting small items I can otherwise afford because I feel I deserve to be happy, and stealing things makes me happy.
- I drink prune juice and eat bran-everything's every hour on the hour, otherwise I won't "make" for days.
- I make ridiculous claims like, "I invented The Dougie."
- My prostate is the size of a watermelon and I generate as much piss as a raisin produces juice.
- I talk to myself incessantly now. I generally don't even like the conversations either, but sometimes I just won't shut the F' up.
- Instead of bars and clubs, I now hang out at Menard's and Bed, Bath & Beyond.
- My joints feel like miniature firecrackers when I sit, stand, walk, jog, jump, dance, or when I'm in the prone or supine position.
- I read menu's instead of books now because my attention span is too short.
- Last week I ordered my first motorized scooter to help me get around, not because I need it, but because walking is SO overrated.
- I recently added myself to the 2038 waiting list for bionic arm- and leg-replacement surgery. When I'm 56 years old I want to be Robo Cop.
- I no longer dream in color.
- In reference to the music of today's youth, I'll quote Huey Lewis in Back to the Future after the Pinheads shredded it on stage, "I'm afraid you're just too darn loud."
- I have no control over my emotions anymore. I cry all the time, especially when my vagina hurts.
- I'm more judgmental than I've ever been in my entire life. Like, right now, I'm judging you. Seriously, that's what you decided to wear today? You look like an asshole.
- Watching MTV for more than a few minutes is like attempting to eat my own brain with a dull, rusty spork.
- I now find squirrels to be untrustworthy and highly suspicious creatures.
- In addition to getting a healthy 14 hours of sleep a night, I also nap throughout the day.
- I legitimately want to be the new spokesperson for Metamucil. That stuff is amazeballs.
- I don't like to drive if it's dark out, raining, snowing, too sunny, cloudy, or foggy.
- I don't like driving.
- I find WTTW to be wonderfully educational programming, and I have a $400 Giggle Me Ernie and $7,000 worth of Steve Winwood's celebrated catalog to prove it.
- Falling asleep on the couch at 8:45 p.m. seems reasonable, especially if I was kicking my own ass at computer Solitaire.
- When I have unexpected gas it is no longer funny, but scary, because it feels like my body is trying to tell me that I'm rotting.
- My pillow looks like Sasquatch's dick. That is to say that it's covered in strange hair and it smells like, well, Sasquatch's dick.
- What number is this?
- I occasionally pee myself.
- I literally can't see 10 feet in front of me while I'm driving, but I always lie to my passengers and tell them I've never hit more than 7 hobos in one trip. It's not entirely true, but it seems to put them at ease.
- Sometimes I'll go to the gym just to hangout in the locker room and shoot the shit with the other seasoned veterans. Naked, of course.
- My eyes are getting smaller, but my head is progressively getting larger.
- This took me over 17 hours to type.
- I can't count worth shit in my old age.
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The NEW Breakfast of Champions
Dear Alcoholic Girlfriend,
I figured I should post this clip today so that you'll have ample time to get all the necessary ingredients to prepare my birthday breakfast tomorrow. Do you have a pen and paper ready? OK, pick up a shit ton of bacon and a handle of Jack. Boom. That is all.
Sloshed in Chicago,
ScapeGoat Ink
P.S. Special shout out to A.G.'s sister, Mini Lobes, for sending me this clip in the first place.
P.P.S. A.G., I threw out all our plates. I've decided that we're only eating off of bacon plates from this day forward. You're welcome, Environment.
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I figured I should post this clip today so that you'll have ample time to get all the necessary ingredients to prepare my birthday breakfast tomorrow. Do you have a pen and paper ready? OK, pick up a shit ton of bacon and a handle of Jack. Boom. That is all.
Sloshed in Chicago,
ScapeGoat Ink
P.S. Special shout out to A.G.'s sister, Mini Lobes, for sending me this clip in the first place.
P.P.S. A.G., I threw out all our plates. I've decided that we're only eating off of bacon plates from this day forward. You're welcome, Environment.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Happy Leap Day 2012--Do Something Bold!
Today is Leap Day. This miraculous day only occurs every four years. With that said, I'd like to take a moment to wish all the poor, unfortunate souls who were born on February 29 a Happy Birthday! I'm sorry your parents are cheap, don't love you, and undoubtedly planned your birth on a day that they would only have to acknowledge and celebrate every four years. I'm assuming they conjured this ploy after they'd read Ray Bradbury's short story, "All Summer in a Day." What's the next best thing to shipping your child off to Venus where they'll presumably be locked in a janitor's closet on the only day the sunshine is scheduled to grace the shitty little planet? That would be to give birth to them on the shittiest day on earth—February 29.
Now, for the rest of us who actually have parents who care about us (sorry Leapers), today is an extra day to do whatever we please. There are no limitations or restrictions on what this day may hold. I urge you to get outside and mix things up. Be bold. Drink directly from the milk carton. Take a sick day and get drunk with your friends. Rob a bank. Have the courage to ask out that guy or girl you've been eye-banging for months. Invent something better than the Pet Rock. Eat a whole pizza in under 10 minutes. Write the next great novel. Get drunk and talk about writing the next great novel. Do something; anything. Don't let today slip into the darkness before you've grabbed it by the balls and done something completely out of the ordinary. Tomorrow you can go back to your humdrum life, but today you must live; unless, your birthday is today. Then I'll assume you're parents have you trapped in a cage surrounded by empty boxes that would have contained presents for you, if they did, in fact, actually love you. If your life is anything like this clip from Office Space, then you owe it to yourself to get out there and get weird. Happy Leaping!
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Now, for the rest of us who actually have parents who care about us (sorry Leapers), today is an extra day to do whatever we please. There are no limitations or restrictions on what this day may hold. I urge you to get outside and mix things up. Be bold. Drink directly from the milk carton. Take a sick day and get drunk with your friends. Rob a bank. Have the courage to ask out that guy or girl you've been eye-banging for months. Invent something better than the Pet Rock. Eat a whole pizza in under 10 minutes. Write the next great novel. Get drunk and talk about writing the next great novel. Do something; anything. Don't let today slip into the darkness before you've grabbed it by the balls and done something completely out of the ordinary. Tomorrow you can go back to your humdrum life, but today you must live; unless, your birthday is today. Then I'll assume you're parents have you trapped in a cage surrounded by empty boxes that would have contained presents for you, if they did, in fact, actually love you. If your life is anything like this clip from Office Space, then you owe it to yourself to get out there and get weird. Happy Leaping!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Living Social: Irish Pub Crawl & Drink Specials
St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner, which is why you should heed Ferris Bueller's advice about life moving pretty fast and stopping to get hammered once in a while. Mark your calendar for March 10, 2012, at 1 p.m. because Living Social is hosting an Irish Pub Crawl through Lincoln Park, which will include exclusive drink specials at several fine Irish establishments, all for only $10.
The crawl begins at Duffy's Tavern, where a team of knowledgeable Leprechauns will be waiting to kick off the festivities with you, show you the ropes, and keep you from crawling too early (wink, wink). Check in starts at 1 p.m. sharp, so don't get all tweaked on hooch and show up late because it's rumored that the first 200 people to arrive will get a surprise. My guess is the surprise might include something Irish-themed or booze-related, but I'm no soothsayer, so don't quote me on that. After check-in, the St. Paddy's Day festivities will kick off with lots of booze specials at Duffy's, which will carry over to Harrigan's Pub, Vaughan's Pub, Trinity Bar, Durkin's Tavern, Mad River, and finally, The Hidden Shamrock. Maybe by the end of the night you'll be playing a little "hide the shamrock" with some lucky lad or lass. Heyo!
The boozing will continue on through 6 p.m., but unfortunately food is not included in the price of the crawl. You can grab a bite to eat at any of the establishments throughout the day. Or, you could just sack up and drink Guinness; after all it is a meal in a glass. Oh, and it's good for you, too. In addition to boozin' and crawlin', make sure you dress in your St. Paddy's Day best because there will also be a costume contest with prizes awarded to the winners. So, if an afternoon of celebrating St. Patrick's Day a week early sounds appealing, click here for more details and to sign up for the crawl. Sláinte mhaith!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
The crawl begins at Duffy's Tavern, where a team of knowledgeable Leprechauns will be waiting to kick off the festivities with you, show you the ropes, and keep you from crawling too early (wink, wink). Check in starts at 1 p.m. sharp, so don't get all tweaked on hooch and show up late because it's rumored that the first 200 people to arrive will get a surprise. My guess is the surprise might include something Irish-themed or booze-related, but I'm no soothsayer, so don't quote me on that. After check-in, the St. Paddy's Day festivities will kick off with lots of booze specials at Duffy's, which will carry over to Harrigan's Pub, Vaughan's Pub, Trinity Bar, Durkin's Tavern, Mad River, and finally, The Hidden Shamrock. Maybe by the end of the night you'll be playing a little "hide the shamrock" with some lucky lad or lass. Heyo!
The boozing will continue on through 6 p.m., but unfortunately food is not included in the price of the crawl. You can grab a bite to eat at any of the establishments throughout the day. Or, you could just sack up and drink Guinness; after all it is a meal in a glass. Oh, and it's good for you, too. In addition to boozin' and crawlin', make sure you dress in your St. Paddy's Day best because there will also be a costume contest with prizes awarded to the winners. So, if an afternoon of celebrating St. Patrick's Day a week early sounds appealing, click here for more details and to sign up for the crawl. Sláinte mhaith!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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How to Navigate A Bloody Mary Bar
After New Year's Eve I had only my second experience—sad, I know—with a build-your-own Bloody Mary option at Jack's Bar & Grill, which is just a mere trip and a stumble from my apartment. Needless to say, I was hungover and in serious need of an alcoholic remedy. Now, according to this article I reviewed, hangover scientists (don't let the title fool you) deem it unlikely that alcohol will help a hangover. To which I say, bring on the booze, Science Boy!
I've made countless Bloody Mary's at my apartment after a night of debauchery, which were absolutely delicious, I might add. However, making a Bloody Mary out of the remaining ingredients in a less-than-stocked fridge is far different than when you're at a bar with a huge Bloody Mary mixing station. It may have been the crushing headache, or the overwhelming number of options, but I felt like I was making a hearty soup instead of the balanced alcoholic remedy that is The Bloody Mary. By the time I finished my Frankenstein-esque creation, I had three different Bloody Mary mixes as the base, and mushrooms, a celery stalk, pickles, olives, horseradish sauce, celery salt, half a hamburger, a bag of fries, and a side salad floating around as the topper. I drank it, or I suppose ate would be a better word, and immediately started to feel better. Take that fake scientists! It did, however, leave me wondering if perhaps there's a better way.
I started my investigation by tooling around on the Information Superhighway (It's just a fancy way of saying the internet, Mom) and I came across this aptly named article, "How to Navigate a Bloody Mary Bar," written by Heather Shouse, a Time Out Chicago contributor. Now this article would have been perfect for New Year's Day, although, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I'd drunk myself illiterate and it wouldn't have mattered. However, hopefully some of my readers will find it useful in avoiding the pitfalls that snagged me my second time around.
How to Navigate a Bloody Mary Bar
A master bartender from the Aviary tackles brunch’s most popular cocktail.
By Heather Shouse
Facing a Bloody Mary bar with dozens—sometimes hundreds—of ingredients can be a challenge for the sober, let alone the hungover. Certainly you could just dump the closest mix at hand into your vodka-on-the-rocks and chug, but we’d like to assume you’re setting higher standards. And who has higher standards than Craig Schoettler, executive chef of the Aviary’s cocktail kitchen? We send the mixology pro to the 200-item Bloody bar at Fireside, where he whittles down the overwhelming options to a few key tips.
➊ If fresh tomato juice is unavailable, start with a mix, like Zing Zang, rather than unseasoned canned juice, but taste it on its own to know your foundation—is it sweet? spicy?—and taste again after you add vodka.
➋ Choose a direction rather than create discord. For example, if you want to use soy sauce and wasabi, stick with Asian flavors throughout. Ditto for Cajun, Mexican, etc.
➌ For heat, use pure chili pastes or powders if they’re available; hot sauces and blends add other flavors that could throw things off. Schoettler’s picks: cayenne and horseradish.
➍ If you want to use a spice blend, sprinkle a little in your hand first to taste its strength rather than dumping it in blindly. Also, choose fine powders (Old Bay, celery salt) over coarse rubs for better blending.
➎ Adding spice mixes and bottled sauces will increase the salt content, but even if your drink tastes salty enough, a pinch of straight-up salt can bring out the flavors just as in cooking.
➏ Most Bloody mixes contain corn syrup, but if you want to increase the sweetness, reach for a sauce such as A.1., which also adds umami. (Another umami addition: Worcestershire.)
➐ Get your acid from fresh lemon or lime, and be sure to squeeze the fruit to release the peel oils before dropping it into the drink. Citrus oils have a distinct flavor from citrus juice, so this adds complexity.
Schoettler’s classic Bloody Zing Zang, vodka, fresh lemon and lime, A.1., Worcestershire, cayenne, horseradish, Old Bay, celery salt and salt.
Go forth, my Bloody Mary making wizards, and create your alcoholic masterpiece. And remember, hamburgers are good and delicious, except when you use them as an ingredient in your Bloody. Cheers!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
I've made countless Bloody Mary's at my apartment after a night of debauchery, which were absolutely delicious, I might add. However, making a Bloody Mary out of the remaining ingredients in a less-than-stocked fridge is far different than when you're at a bar with a huge Bloody Mary mixing station. It may have been the crushing headache, or the overwhelming number of options, but I felt like I was making a hearty soup instead of the balanced alcoholic remedy that is The Bloody Mary. By the time I finished my Frankenstein-esque creation, I had three different Bloody Mary mixes as the base, and mushrooms, a celery stalk, pickles, olives, horseradish sauce, celery salt, half a hamburger, a bag of fries, and a side salad floating around as the topper. I drank it, or I suppose ate would be a better word, and immediately started to feel better. Take that fake scientists! It did, however, leave me wondering if perhaps there's a better way.
I started my investigation by tooling around on the Information Superhighway (It's just a fancy way of saying the internet, Mom) and I came across this aptly named article, "How to Navigate a Bloody Mary Bar," written by Heather Shouse, a Time Out Chicago contributor. Now this article would have been perfect for New Year's Day, although, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I'd drunk myself illiterate and it wouldn't have mattered. However, hopefully some of my readers will find it useful in avoiding the pitfalls that snagged me my second time around.
How to Navigate a Bloody Mary Bar
A master bartender from the Aviary tackles brunch’s most popular cocktail.
By Heather Shouse
Facing a Bloody Mary bar with dozens—sometimes hundreds—of ingredients can be a challenge for the sober, let alone the hungover. Certainly you could just dump the closest mix at hand into your vodka-on-the-rocks and chug, but we’d like to assume you’re setting higher standards. And who has higher standards than Craig Schoettler, executive chef of the Aviary’s cocktail kitchen? We send the mixology pro to the 200-item Bloody bar at Fireside, where he whittles down the overwhelming options to a few key tips.
➊ If fresh tomato juice is unavailable, start with a mix, like Zing Zang, rather than unseasoned canned juice, but taste it on its own to know your foundation—is it sweet? spicy?—and taste again after you add vodka.
➋ Choose a direction rather than create discord. For example, if you want to use soy sauce and wasabi, stick with Asian flavors throughout. Ditto for Cajun, Mexican, etc.
➌ For heat, use pure chili pastes or powders if they’re available; hot sauces and blends add other flavors that could throw things off. Schoettler’s picks: cayenne and horseradish.
➍ If you want to use a spice blend, sprinkle a little in your hand first to taste its strength rather than dumping it in blindly. Also, choose fine powders (Old Bay, celery salt) over coarse rubs for better blending.
➎ Adding spice mixes and bottled sauces will increase the salt content, but even if your drink tastes salty enough, a pinch of straight-up salt can bring out the flavors just as in cooking.
➏ Most Bloody mixes contain corn syrup, but if you want to increase the sweetness, reach for a sauce such as A.1., which also adds umami. (Another umami addition: Worcestershire.)
➐ Get your acid from fresh lemon or lime, and be sure to squeeze the fruit to release the peel oils before dropping it into the drink. Citrus oils have a distinct flavor from citrus juice, so this adds complexity.
Schoettler’s classic Bloody Zing Zang, vodka, fresh lemon and lime, A.1., Worcestershire, cayenne, horseradish, Old Bay, celery salt and salt.
Go forth, my Bloody Mary making wizards, and create your alcoholic masterpiece. And remember, hamburgers are good and delicious, except when you use them as an ingredient in your Bloody. Cheers!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Farley & Swayze--Working For the Weekend
Friday is finally here and what better way to celebrate the end of the week than with the iconic Saturday Night Live Chippendales skit, starring two late and greats, Chris Farley and The Swayze, dancing to Loverboy's "Working for the weekend." Not only is this skit still hilarious, but the song is still relevant. Thanks for the laughs, Farley; thanks for the throat-ripping action, Dalton; and, thanks for the only song that can still make me sing like an asshole in the car, Loverboy. Enjoy the weekend everybody!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Happy Birthday, Alcoholic Girlfriend!
I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating your (insert age here) birthday! If you don't mind me saying, you don't look a day over (enter age between 18 to 29 years old). You know it's true, baby, I wouldn't say it if it
wasn't. I figured since this is a special occasion, I would enlist the help of a special guy. Put your hands together for Mr. Adams singing "Heaven." I know, I got a little aroused there too.
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I was going to try to get Bryan to serenade you in person, but I feared his raw musical talent might be too much for someone who hasn't seen him live in concert 47 times. Unfortunately, YouTube wouldn't allow me to post the video that inspired me to start my own band, so click here to watch it. We were going to call ourselves, "The Bryan Adams TV Head Tribute Band," but unfortunately I only had one other member, which happened to be my parents TV. The band broke up after only a few short weeks because I got tired of being the only dedicated band member. It started to feel like I was carrying the band at every gig. Plus, I found out that TV was putting on private shows for my family behind my back. Not cool, TV. Not cool. Anyway, thanks for putting up with my oddities, quirks, creepy (but entirely warranted) obsession with The Bry Guy, and for being such a caring, understanding, wonderful person. Here's to another year and many more to come, cheers! Yes, I started drinking while you were still sleeping.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Chef Tim Love Dishes Up Some Bourbon Chili
After yesterday's post about how bourbon is saving the world, I thought it only fitting to help my readers do their part, because this bloated alcoholic can't do it all on his own, by posting an awesome chili recipe that has a little extra kick to it—bourbon. I found this amazing recipe at Maker's Mark, which was created by Tim Love, Owner & Chef at Lonesome Dove Western Bistro in Fort Worth, Texas. Some of you may recognize the name Chef Love (no, it's not from a porno) from watching season one of Bravo's Top Chef Masters. I fully recognize that by publicly making it known that I've seen any Bravo TV programming that I automatically forfeit my Man Card; however, the joke is on all of you because I never received my Man Card. Oooh, burn! Um, anyway, here's the recipe:
Bourbon Chili
Source: makersmark.com
by Tim Love, Owner & Chef, Lonesome Dove Western
Note:
This is not your mama's chili. Chef Love's recipe is real chili con carne, and it delivers with a complex spicy punch from the variety of dried chilies used. The masa harina is a fantastic way to thicken the chili and enhance the flavor at the same time.
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 4 hours
Level: Intermediate
Serves 4–6
Ingredients:
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Bourbon Chili
Source: makersmark.com
by Tim Love, Owner & Chef, Lonesome Dove Western
Note:
This is not your mama's chili. Chef Love's recipe is real chili con carne, and it delivers with a complex spicy punch from the variety of dried chilies used. The masa harina is a fantastic way to thicken the chili and enhance the flavor at the same time.
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 4 hours
Level: Intermediate
Serves 4–6
Ingredients:
- 1 cup Maker's Mark® Bourbon
- 2 pieces dried Ancho chilies
- 1 piece dried Pasilla chile
- 2 pieces dried Guajillo chilies
- 2 pieces dried Chipotle chilies
- 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
- 2 pounds boneless beef short ribs
- 3 cups onion, chopped
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
- 1 teaspoon Mexican oregano
- 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
- 1/4 cup dark brown sugar
- 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
- 1/2 cup masa harina, if desired
- Salt and black pepper
- Additional Maker's Mark® Bourbon, if desired
- Toast the chilies in a large, dry skillet over medium-low heat until lightly charred and fragrant, about 10 minutes. Transfer to a bowl.
- Bring 4 cups of water to a boil and pour over the chilies. Weight the chilies down in the water and submerge with a paper towel. Allow the chilies to soften for about 20 minutes in the hot water. Drain the chilies once they are soft, reserving the soaking liquid. If you prefer your chili to be spicy, remove only the stem of the chilies, leaving the seeds intact. If you prefer a milder chili, take the time to open up the softened chili peppers and remove the seeds before adding the peppers to the blender.
- Add the softened chili peppers to the blender with 1 cup of Maker's Mark®. Puree until smooth.
- Heat a large skillet or Dutch oven over high heat. Pat the short ribs dry with a paper towel and season them generously with salt and black pepper. Add the tablespoon of oil to the hot pan. Reduce the heat to medium high. Sear the short ribs on all sides until well browned, about 3-4 minutes per side. Remove the short ribs to a plate and pour off the browning liquid and fat into a small bowl. Return the pan to the heat.
- Add the chopped onion and minced garlic to the skillet and cook until softened, about 10 minutes, stirring often.
- Add the cumin, oregano, thyme, brown sugar, vinegar, browning liquid, chile water and chile puree to the pot. Season with a heavy pinch of salt. Cover with a tight-fitting lid and simmer over low heat until the meat is very tender, about 3 hours, turning the ribs every 30 minutes and adding water as necessary if the braise becomes too dry.
- Once the short ribs can break apart with a spoon, remove the ribs from the stew and break the short ribs apart into small chunks using two spoons or forks.
- The chili braise in the pot should be the consistency of a thick soup. Reduce over low heat if necessary or add more water to reach desired consistency. Skim any excess fat and oil from the surface of the chili and discard. Stir the pieces of short rib back into the chili braise. Add an extra splash of Maker's Mark® if you want.
- Thicken the stew with masa harina (fine cornmeal makes a great substitute) if you desire: Ladle 2 cups of chili into a bowl and stir in the masa harina. Return the mixture to the pot and stir in with the rest of the chili. Simmer for 15 minutes. Serve the chili hot garnished with chopped scallions, cilantro and/or sour cream.
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Bourbon: Saving the World One Bottle At A Time
I read an interesting article, "Made in America: Bourbon Boom in the Heartland" by Jonathan Karl, which details how bourbon production is skyrocketing and as a result its stimulating the economy, as well as creating more jobs. I've been unemployed for almost 6 months now and I've been forced to cut my spending drastically; however, I still set aside a little extra money now and again for the things that I can't live without—booze.
Obviously bourbon is 100 percent American made and has been around for ages, so why all of the sudden is bourbon production increasing so much? Well, according to the article, "Noticing a slowing American market, bourbon makers aggressively sought sales overseas. They improved quality and capitalized on what made them different: By definition bourbon can only be made in America. Distillers could sell bourbon by selling America itself, plastering horses, cowboys and the Kentucky Derby right on the bottle."
As explained in the article, the results have been anything but poor, "In the past decade, bourbon exports have boomed, reaching 126 countries. In Spain, sales are up 153 percent and in France, where ads showcase Mount Rushmore, sales have increased 286 percent. They are also up 98 percent in Australia and 55 percent in Germany." So due to the increase in sales overseas, distillers have been forced to create more jobs and hire more employees to help in the preparing, distilling, packaging, and distribution of bourbon in the U.S. and around the world.
Well, it looks like alcohol may actually solve more problems than it creates. Take THAT teetotalers! If you want to join in and help the cause, all while stimulating the economy and getting sauced at the same time, grab a bottle of the good stuff and start drinking! You're welcome, fellow alcoholics of America.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Obviously bourbon is 100 percent American made and has been around for ages, so why all of the sudden is bourbon production increasing so much? Well, according to the article, "Noticing a slowing American market, bourbon makers aggressively sought sales overseas. They improved quality and capitalized on what made them different: By definition bourbon can only be made in America. Distillers could sell bourbon by selling America itself, plastering horses, cowboys and the Kentucky Derby right on the bottle."
As explained in the article, the results have been anything but poor, "In the past decade, bourbon exports have boomed, reaching 126 countries. In Spain, sales are up 153 percent and in France, where ads showcase Mount Rushmore, sales have increased 286 percent. They are also up 98 percent in Australia and 55 percent in Germany." So due to the increase in sales overseas, distillers have been forced to create more jobs and hire more employees to help in the preparing, distilling, packaging, and distribution of bourbon in the U.S. and around the world.
Well, it looks like alcohol may actually solve more problems than it creates. Take THAT teetotalers! If you want to join in and help the cause, all while stimulating the economy and getting sauced at the same time, grab a bottle of the good stuff and start drinking! You're welcome, fellow alcoholics of America.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Baconfest ChicagoTickets On Sale TODAY!
As some of you may have realized over the years, whether from my drunken outbursts professing my love of meat (I realize that taken out of context means something totally different than intended); to seeing my anti-svelte figure and wondering when I'll be giving birth to a bacon baby, similar to the plot line of the very accurate and scientifically proven hit comedy, Junior; to reading about my jaunt through Bacon Forest. It's easy to conclude that in addition to suffering a dozen heart attacks before I turn 50, I LOVE bacon. That's why I feel it my duty to spread some bacon cheer today. Last year, I was informed of a heavenly event called Baconfest Chicago where the cured meat is put on a pedestal and celebrated for your eating pleasure. Unfortunately for me, but luckily for my heart, I stumbled upon this beautiful event far too late. The day my dreams were dashed, is the very same day I vowed to never let that happen again. Yesterday I received the answer I've been looking for and now I'm going to drop that meaty, delicious news right on your faces:
General Admission tickets for Baconfest Chicago 2012 are available today, Monday, February 20, starting at noon. What does this golden ticket get you? It includes tasting samples from chefs and 6 drink-tickets for booze. If you ever wondered, "Can you put a price on the deliciousness of bacon?" Apparently the answer is yes, $75. Each ticket is valid only for the session for which it was purchased and they limit each purchaser to 4 tickets per shift.
Baconfest Chicago will be held on Saturday April 14th, 2012 at the UIC Forum (725 West Roosevelt). To find out more information about this event, click here.
There are TWO exhibition sessions
LUNCH Session:
12:30 pm - 3:00 pm: General Admission
DINNER Session:
6:30 pm - 9:00 pm: General Admission
Each session will feature over 50 restaurants/chefs per shift who will be sharing their bacon-creations with guests, vendors who will be sampling their bacon-related wares, and liquor sponsors who will be serving beer and bacon-based cocktails.
This event sells out fast, so make sure you click here to get in on the salty meat action. Trust me; you do not want this event to sell out before you get a ticket because it'll loom over you for the rest of the year. Good luck, my fellow bacon lovers. Happy meatings, heart attacks, and happiness to all!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
General Admission tickets for Baconfest Chicago 2012 are available today, Monday, February 20, starting at noon. What does this golden ticket get you? It includes tasting samples from chefs and 6 drink-tickets for booze. If you ever wondered, "Can you put a price on the deliciousness of bacon?" Apparently the answer is yes, $75. Each ticket is valid only for the session for which it was purchased and they limit each purchaser to 4 tickets per shift.
Baconfest Chicago will be held on Saturday April 14th, 2012 at the UIC Forum (725 West Roosevelt). To find out more information about this event, click here.
There are TWO exhibition sessions
LUNCH Session:
12:30 pm - 3:00 pm: General Admission
DINNER Session:
6:30 pm - 9:00 pm: General Admission
Each session will feature over 50 restaurants/chefs per shift who will be sharing their bacon-creations with guests, vendors who will be sampling their bacon-related wares, and liquor sponsors who will be serving beer and bacon-based cocktails.
This event sells out fast, so make sure you click here to get in on the salty meat action. Trust me; you do not want this event to sell out before you get a ticket because it'll loom over you for the rest of the year. Good luck, my fellow bacon lovers. Happy meatings, heart attacks, and happiness to all!
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Winter Weekend Happenings (Feb. 17-19)
I'm sure a lot of you tapped your wallets earlier this week celebrating Rick Astley Day, the holiday formerly known as Valentine's Day, so I thought it might be a good idea to compile a list of things to do this weekend that won't cost you a cent. However, Ashlee Rezin, a contributor for Time Out Chicago already did the leg work. I deleted a few of her original items, so if you'd like to read her original post, click here.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Pocket Guide to Hell: The World Finder
10am-6pm, Gallery 400
Steele MacKaye never realized his dream of building the world’s largest theater—the Spectatorium—for the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition. The Pocket Guide to Hell collective revisits MacKaye's tragic story through artifacts connected to the Spectatorium and The World Finder, a four-act play about Columbus that the theater was meant to stage.
Joanne Greenbaum
Noon-6pm, Shane Campbell Gallery
Greenbaum, whose work adorns the cover of Wilco's album The Whole Love, presents new abstract paintings that are all 16" x 12". The works continue the New York–based artist's experiments with structure, line, color and negation.
Graham Rae
7pm, Quimby’s bookstore
Scottish author Rae reads from his new novel, Soundproof Future Scotland, set in the 22nd century in an independent Scotland. The book isn't out yet, so you can buy a voucher to receive the book when it's in print, which is how they'll do things in the 22nd century anyway.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Pulled, Pressed and Printed, Chicago
9am-6pm, EXPO 72
Thomas Lucas/Hummingbird Press, Anchor Graphics, Spudnik Press, Screwball Press, Lora Fosberg., Jay Ryan/The Bird Machine, Sonnenzimmer and other Chicago artists and studios share their work in printmaking.
Alex O’Neal: Delta Donuts, Migraine Weather
11am-5pm, Linda Warren Projects
O'Neal's paintings and drawings of his signature Southern "mean hippies" evolve to include doughnuts and migraine auras.
ITVS Community Cinema: More than a Month
2pm, Chicago Cultural Center, Claudia Cassidy Theater
Filmmaker Shukree Hassan Tilghman is on a nationwide crusade to end Black History Month. He examines race, equality and a postracial U.S. with history lessons and a touch of wit. The screening is presented by the Independent Television Service (ITVS), a service that funds, presents, and promotes award-winning documentaries and dramas on the Web, public television and cable.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Prints and the Pursuit of Knowledge in Early Modern Europe
10am-5pm, Mary & Leigh Block Museum of Art
Prints, drawings and other objects demonstrate how 16th-century Northern Renaissance artists such as Albrecht Dürer and Hans Holbein helped disseminate scientific discoveries. The Harvard Art Museums curated this exhibition in collaboration with the Block Museum.
Someone Else’s Dream
Noon-5pm, Hyde Park Art Center
Nine artists including Richard Hull, Gladys Nilsson, Jim Nutt, Peter Saul and the late Christina Ramberg blur reality and fiction in this exhibition curated by John McKinnon, program director of the Art Institute of Chicago's Society for Contemporary Art.
Nachos y Muchachos
10pm, Evil Olive
Evil Olive continues its quest to combine food and dancing with this hilariously themed Sunday bash. DJs Zebo and Phenom curate an eclectic array of movies that air from 10pm to midnight while people munch on a $5 all-you-can-eat nacho bar. Once the bell tolls 12am, the needle drops and the beats go till close.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Pocket Guide to Hell: The World Finder
10am-6pm, Gallery 400
Steele MacKaye never realized his dream of building the world’s largest theater—the Spectatorium—for the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition. The Pocket Guide to Hell collective revisits MacKaye's tragic story through artifacts connected to the Spectatorium and The World Finder, a four-act play about Columbus that the theater was meant to stage.
Joanne Greenbaum
Noon-6pm, Shane Campbell Gallery
Greenbaum, whose work adorns the cover of Wilco's album The Whole Love, presents new abstract paintings that are all 16" x 12". The works continue the New York–based artist's experiments with structure, line, color and negation.
Graham Rae
7pm, Quimby’s bookstore
Scottish author Rae reads from his new novel, Soundproof Future Scotland, set in the 22nd century in an independent Scotland. The book isn't out yet, so you can buy a voucher to receive the book when it's in print, which is how they'll do things in the 22nd century anyway.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Pulled, Pressed and Printed, Chicago
9am-6pm, EXPO 72
Thomas Lucas/Hummingbird Press, Anchor Graphics, Spudnik Press, Screwball Press, Lora Fosberg., Jay Ryan/The Bird Machine, Sonnenzimmer and other Chicago artists and studios share their work in printmaking.
Alex O’Neal: Delta Donuts, Migraine Weather
11am-5pm, Linda Warren Projects
O'Neal's paintings and drawings of his signature Southern "mean hippies" evolve to include doughnuts and migraine auras.
ITVS Community Cinema: More than a Month
2pm, Chicago Cultural Center, Claudia Cassidy Theater
Filmmaker Shukree Hassan Tilghman is on a nationwide crusade to end Black History Month. He examines race, equality and a postracial U.S. with history lessons and a touch of wit. The screening is presented by the Independent Television Service (ITVS), a service that funds, presents, and promotes award-winning documentaries and dramas on the Web, public television and cable.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Prints and the Pursuit of Knowledge in Early Modern Europe
10am-5pm, Mary & Leigh Block Museum of Art
Prints, drawings and other objects demonstrate how 16th-century Northern Renaissance artists such as Albrecht Dürer and Hans Holbein helped disseminate scientific discoveries. The Harvard Art Museums curated this exhibition in collaboration with the Block Museum.
Someone Else’s Dream
Noon-5pm, Hyde Park Art Center
Nine artists including Richard Hull, Gladys Nilsson, Jim Nutt, Peter Saul and the late Christina Ramberg blur reality and fiction in this exhibition curated by John McKinnon, program director of the Art Institute of Chicago's Society for Contemporary Art.
Nachos y Muchachos
10pm, Evil Olive
Evil Olive continues its quest to combine food and dancing with this hilariously themed Sunday bash. DJs Zebo and Phenom curate an eclectic array of movies that air from 10pm to midnight while people munch on a $5 all-you-can-eat nacho bar. Once the bell tolls 12am, the needle drops and the beats go till close.
Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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The Pogues Make It Official: 30 Days Until St. Paddy's!
Today officially marks the start of the St. Patrick's Day season. So, I've decided to kick it off in style. You can't have an Irish drinking holiday without a drunken Irishman, born on Christmas Day, who revolutionized traditional Irish music by blending it with punk. The man is Shane MacGowan and the band is The Pogues. Special thanks and shout out to our enormous Irish friend and brother, B.F.G., for not only introducing the ScapeGoat Ink family to The Pogues, but also for starting a tradition of seeing them in concert when they'd drunkenly stumble back into town. Last concert we attended was supposedly The Pogues Farewell Tour; however, I see they are currently touring in the land of OZ, so I imagine they'll eventually drag their weary selves back to the States for one last show, at least that's what I'm hoping for. Also, here's a shout out to our buddy Kernel who, like a superhero, protected me as I was escorted by security guards out of the last Pogues concert. It's rumored that he body slammed 14 hooligans, and ripped the beating heart out of the chest of a Protestant and shoved it into the chest of a Catholic—they both imploded. Here is the first song I heard from The Pogues, "Dirty Old Town."
SPOILER ALERT: Shane's teeth are a thing of legend, be prepared.
To help get into the holiday spirit, ScapeGoat Ink is now offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts from now until March 17, 2012. There's still time to be entered into the drawing to win a FREE t-shirt by clicking the link below. Cheers and Pogue Mahone!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
SPOILER ALERT: Shane's teeth are a thing of legend, be prepared.
To help get into the holiday spirit, ScapeGoat Ink is now offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts from now until March 17, 2012. There's still time to be entered into the drawing to win a FREE t-shirt by clicking the link below. Cheers and Pogue Mahone!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Classic Beer Commercial #2: Hamm's
It's about that time for another blast from the beer commercial past, folks. This week I found this vintage Hamm's classic from the mid-60s. As if I needed to include the era it was made in, what with the obvious drug references. I'm pretty sure we can surmise the message behind this beer campaign, "Hey Hippies, your parents are getting tweaked on Hamm's beer (which is laced with LSD) and trippin' out in public, too."
Pause the video at 29 seconds and 41 seconds, respectively. I think we can all agree that this guy is a dirty, little pervert. Unfortunately for the woman sitting next to Captain Pervy Pants, she's oblivious to the fact that she's leaving the bar one of two ways—with him, or in the trunk of his car. I will admit the effort the perv is putting into this "date" is inspiring. It's not like these days where all you have to do is find a loose woman (read whore) and inquire if she's "DTF" (Google it). Obviously her response of slapping you in the face or grabbing your tube steak is your answer. Back in the day, people put time and effort into bedding a lady—except for Bob Dylan. "Lay, Lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed..." was pretty straight forward. It's obvious that he'd just gotten a new mattress and wanted his female amiga to test out the firmness.
Hamm's beer: things are about to get hairy.
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I will admit, if I crushed enough beers to not only build a kick ass miniature cabin out of matchsticks with the dame sitting next to me, but also conjure a tiny talking bear willing to serve me, I can't say I'd be running for the door either. See, this is what the commercials of today are missing. It's not about banging people over the head with advertising gimmicks like big breasted women, talking dogs, and majestic horses. Sometimes you just have to make a few strategically placed drug references throughout the commercial and people will be putty in your hands. Hey, I'm getting stoned with an imagined bear, who apparently also laced our beer with LSD and may or may not be cooking up some Meth in a Lincoln log lab. Now THAT'S forward thinking. Don't shy away from it, embrace it. Plus, it makes for a great story, right? "Remember that time we got snockered on Hamm's and...shit, what happened?" "Um, I don't want to talk about it."
Pause the video at 29 seconds and 41 seconds, respectively. I think we can all agree that this guy is a dirty, little pervert. Unfortunately for the woman sitting next to Captain Pervy Pants, she's oblivious to the fact that she's leaving the bar one of two ways—with him, or in the trunk of his car. I will admit the effort the perv is putting into this "date" is inspiring. It's not like these days where all you have to do is find a loose woman (read whore) and inquire if she's "DTF" (Google it). Obviously her response of slapping you in the face or grabbing your tube steak is your answer. Back in the day, people put time and effort into bedding a lady—except for Bob Dylan. "Lay, Lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed..." was pretty straight forward. It's obvious that he'd just gotten a new mattress and wanted his female amiga to test out the firmness.
Hamm's beer: things are about to get hairy.
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Happy Valentine's Day From Rick Astley and ScapeGoat Ink!
Although I've previously expressed my disdain for this saccharine greeting-card holiday for "lovers" here, I suppose there are two sides to everything. So, today's post is dedicated to those of you out there who actually appreciate Valentine's Day. Listen, I understand that sometimes life can get in the way of romance. As we start to get older we get set in our routines and forget about the spicy side of life. So, in that respect, it's nice to have a holiday that gives people with busy schedules, children, or long-distance relationships a day dedicated to telling your loved one how much you care about them. I may not have any of the aforementioned hurdles in my life, but believe me I can totally understand how all of those things can seriously cramp ones style. You've got to make time to get sexified and enjoy your life.
To the single people out there, today may feel like a loaded day for you. But that's no excuse to sit in the dark watching "Finding Bigfoot" on Animal Planet while shoveling gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your word maker. Wipe the ice cream off your face, slap on some decent clothes, and grab a few drinks with some friends. Who knows, tonight might be your lucky night. If not, no worries. Just stay flexible and open to the possibilities life may throw at you. My only other advice is this: Let this man guide you tonight. Channel his hair, his clothes, his moves, and his unnervingly deep voice for such a skinny ginger junk. Tonight, BE Rick Astley and I promise you that you'll get ass like Rick tonight. Happy Valentine's Day!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
To the single people out there, today may feel like a loaded day for you. But that's no excuse to sit in the dark watching "Finding Bigfoot" on Animal Planet while shoveling gallons of Rocky Road ice cream in your word maker. Wipe the ice cream off your face, slap on some decent clothes, and grab a few drinks with some friends. Who knows, tonight might be your lucky night. If not, no worries. Just stay flexible and open to the possibilities life may throw at you. My only other advice is this: Let this man guide you tonight. Channel his hair, his clothes, his moves, and his unnervingly deep voice for such a skinny ginger junk. Tonight, BE Rick Astley and I promise you that you'll get ass like Rick tonight. Happy Valentine's Day!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Booze Wizards Save Whiskey Using Near-Infrared Analysis
My knowledge of how protective whiskey drinkers and makers of scotch are became very apparent after I wrote about ArKay Beverages creating a bastardized version of "whiskey" that is apparently non-alcoholic (read: pointless). To read my post about the whiskey/non-whiskey debate, click here. Of course, something as notable as a company making a non-alcoholic, whiskey-flavored drink wasn't just going to disappear from the news. It turns out that whiskey actually has a couple of crime-fighting groups, which were established to uphold the honor of whiskey and prevent companies like ArKay Beverages from crapping on that legacy. The two groups previously mentioned, European Union (EU) and Scotch Whisky Association (SWA), were possibly going to take legal action against the beverage makers because they deemed it illegal to use the good name of whiskey to peddle the non-alcoholic swill. Read about it here.
In addition to having two hyper-vigilante groups protecting the name of whiskey, I just read an article from The Engineer, a UK publication, about a new practice being put into place that will eventually be able to detect counterfeit whiskey. Hey, if they can do it with money, why not with booze, right? The article, "Near-infrared Analysis Method Detects Counterfeit Whisky," written by Stuart Nathan, explains that researchers from St. Andrew's University (the oldest university in Scotland) were working on a device that pinpoints which whiskey the sample is from. These guys are like whiskey wizards with their magical detection devices. Before this article, I was unaware that counterfeit whiskey was even a concern, let alone a problem. However, I guess there have been issues primarily with counterfeit branded single-malt scotch.
According to the article, "The St. Andrews researchers, led by Prof Kishan Dholakia, use laser-based near-infrared spectroscopy to analyse samples—generally biological—using a microfluidic device that guides the laser into the sample through an optical fibre. Another fibre collects light scattered from the sample and takes it to an analyser." I'm always amazed at how far technology has come since the day's of grade school when I was playing Number Munchers on an early Apple computer to now using high-tech devices on something I love almost as much as life itself—booze.
Apparently the detection system was initially used to determine the alcohol content of a sample, which is an indicator of true whiskey or fake whiskey. The article explains that since the results were so accurate this technique was able to detect other compounds, which could pinpoint the type of brewing process used and how long the spirit remained in wooden casks, which "have a very large influence on the taste, colour and texture of the drink." This is huge because, in addition to being able to detect whether a whiskey is counterfeit, it can also be used by distillers for quality control in the manufacturing and bottling process. Today, we salute science, technology, and most of all whiskey wizards for protecting us against drinking non-alcoholic swill and fake booze. Cheers!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
In addition to having two hyper-vigilante groups protecting the name of whiskey, I just read an article from The Engineer, a UK publication, about a new practice being put into place that will eventually be able to detect counterfeit whiskey. Hey, if they can do it with money, why not with booze, right? The article, "Near-infrared Analysis Method Detects Counterfeit Whisky," written by Stuart Nathan, explains that researchers from St. Andrew's University (the oldest university in Scotland) were working on a device that pinpoints which whiskey the sample is from. These guys are like whiskey wizards with their magical detection devices. Before this article, I was unaware that counterfeit whiskey was even a concern, let alone a problem. However, I guess there have been issues primarily with counterfeit branded single-malt scotch.
According to the article, "The St. Andrews researchers, led by Prof Kishan Dholakia, use laser-based near-infrared spectroscopy to analyse samples—generally biological—using a microfluidic device that guides the laser into the sample through an optical fibre. Another fibre collects light scattered from the sample and takes it to an analyser." I'm always amazed at how far technology has come since the day's of grade school when I was playing Number Munchers on an early Apple computer to now using high-tech devices on something I love almost as much as life itself—booze.
Apparently the detection system was initially used to determine the alcohol content of a sample, which is an indicator of true whiskey or fake whiskey. The article explains that since the results were so accurate this technique was able to detect other compounds, which could pinpoint the type of brewing process used and how long the spirit remained in wooden casks, which "have a very large influence on the taste, colour and texture of the drink." This is huge because, in addition to being able to detect whether a whiskey is counterfeit, it can also be used by distillers for quality control in the manufacturing and bottling process. Today, we salute science, technology, and most of all whiskey wizards for protecting us against drinking non-alcoholic swill and fake booze. Cheers!
If you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
This Just In: Coors Beats Bud in a Fake Blind Taste Test
Last week my cousin Terese sent me a link to an article claiming that Coors beat Budweiser in a blind taste test. I started reading it because I was curious how the panel came to that conclusion. Personally, I think both beers are crap. It's like comparing a bag of farts to a glass of dirty bath water, it doesn't matter which wins because they're both gross. However, I read on only to find one of the most disjointed articles ever. It starts out explaining the blind taste test briefly, but it never fully discloses what eight beers were tested. It then proceeds to name the winner (Coors) and the three runners-up. Somehow it then branches off into four subcategories of head-to-head competitions with topics that have nothing to do with the initial blind taste test. Finally, the article ends by saying that none of these beers are excellent. What the hell just happened? Am I being punked? This article actually made the slideshow I reviewed from TheDailyMeal.com seem—I won't go so far as to say good but—decent by comparison. I included the original article below for your reading confusion.
Coors Outscores Bud
By Consumer Reports
Our experts conducted blind taste tests of eight top-selling regular and light beers, plus offerings from Trader Joe’s and Walgreens (yes, beer from a drugstore). And the winner is: Coors regular, by, let’s say, a field goal. It has balanced flavors with some citrus notes, and no off-tastes. It’s a Consumer Reports Best Buy, at $6.45 for a six-pack. Three runners-up are also CR Best Buys: Name Tag (Trader Joe’s), Big Flats (Walgreens), and Miller High Life.
All of the tested beers are lagers, which usually have a mix of floral, fruity, yeasty, malted-grain, and boiled-hop (pungent) flavors. Most are pale yellow and light-bodied, and don’t stay foamy for long. Other face-offs:
Regular vs. light.
Light beer will save you about 20 to 50 calories per can (due to lower carbs and slightly less alcohol), but no tested light scored high enough to be very good. Best of the bunch is Miller Lite. Worst is Corona Light, a bitter brew with traces of tinny and sulfury off-notes.
Price vs. taste.
Corona Light costs far more than higher-rated Miller Lite; and Corona Extra costs about twice as much as three better beers.
Store brands vs. big names.
Trader Joe’s and Walgreens stood up to the competition, doing about as well as Miller High Life and besting Corona Extra and Bud.
Cans vs. bottles.
We tasted beer from cans, which may seem less refined than bottles, but they keep light, beer’s nemesis, from getting inside. Light can react with beer within weeks or even days to create compounds similar to those a skunk uses to defend itself.
Bottom line.
None of these beers has enough complexity and balance to be excellent, but Coors comes fairly close.
OK, are you as confused as I was when I first read this gutter trash? First of all, this "tasting" done by "experts" had to have been conducted out of the back of a van in a Wal-Mart parking lot by toothless gypsies. If you're doing a taste test, why wouldn't you disclose what beers are being tested? It seems like pertinent information; unless, of course, this tasting includes, a puddle, urine, hobo blood, poop water, and animal semen in addition to Coors and Budweiser. Now, if that's the case then, yes, it makes perfect sense that Coors bested the competition, except for hobo blood; I've heard it has a nice tanginess to it.
How are you then going to go from a blind taste test to talking about how regular beer fairs against light beer? This doesn't need its own section, I'll sum it up for you right here: light beer tastes like puddle water compared to regular beer. Also, if you're drinking a light beer because you're trying to watch your weight, maybe you should consider putting the beer can down and hitting the gym instead, Fatty McBurger Pants.
I appreciated the "Price vs. Taste" category, until I read it. Thanks, Consumer Reports, for letting us know that a novelty Mexican beer is more expensive than a crappy light beer. I'm starting to wonder if the "experts" actually performed this taste test on humans or if they just corralled a bunch of feral cats roaming the Wal-Mart parking lot and tossed them in a sack with eight beers. Whichever beer was "drunk" must have been deemed the winner.
I'm going to skip the "store brands vs. big names" category entirely because, really who cares? You're comparing shitty known beers with shitty lesser known beers. No one's a winner here. Instead, I'm going to jump right into the "cans vs. bottles" section. I'll start by saying WTF?! Listen, I've consumed beer from a tap, a bottle, a can, a plastic cup, out of a dog's bowl, from a boot, and off the floor. I think it's obvious that I'm not a beer snob by any means. If it's hot enough outside, the receptacle the beer comes in doesn't matter as much as the temperature of the beer. If the beer is ice cold, I'll drink it out of nearly anything (except for a sack that previously housed a handful of feral cats for a bogus taste test—I do have my limits). Unfortunately, other than a crappy biology lesson about how light alters the compounds in a beer, they never even compare cans to bottles. I think this article would be better served as a campaign to drum up support for sufferers of ADD or ADHD. Look a squirrel!
Bottom line
No one involved in this tasting (feral cats) or those who performed this test (toothless gypsies) are winners. I think the true winner is Wal-Mart's parking lot because apparently anything can happen there. In closing, I'm going to perform my own tasting of premium 90s beverages. Now, I just need to track down a case of Zima, Bartles & Jaymes, and Boku spiked with cocaine (I'm sure Richard Lewis still has a few cases lying around). Then, I'll grab some feral, er, I mean human beings, and I'll be all set.
Coors Outscores Bud
By Consumer Reports
Our experts conducted blind taste tests of eight top-selling regular and light beers, plus offerings from Trader Joe’s and Walgreens (yes, beer from a drugstore). And the winner is: Coors regular, by, let’s say, a field goal. It has balanced flavors with some citrus notes, and no off-tastes. It’s a Consumer Reports Best Buy, at $6.45 for a six-pack. Three runners-up are also CR Best Buys: Name Tag (Trader Joe’s), Big Flats (Walgreens), and Miller High Life.
All of the tested beers are lagers, which usually have a mix of floral, fruity, yeasty, malted-grain, and boiled-hop (pungent) flavors. Most are pale yellow and light-bodied, and don’t stay foamy for long. Other face-offs:
Regular vs. light.
Light beer will save you about 20 to 50 calories per can (due to lower carbs and slightly less alcohol), but no tested light scored high enough to be very good. Best of the bunch is Miller Lite. Worst is Corona Light, a bitter brew with traces of tinny and sulfury off-notes.
Price vs. taste.
Corona Light costs far more than higher-rated Miller Lite; and Corona Extra costs about twice as much as three better beers.
Store brands vs. big names.
Trader Joe’s and Walgreens stood up to the competition, doing about as well as Miller High Life and besting Corona Extra and Bud.
Cans vs. bottles.
We tasted beer from cans, which may seem less refined than bottles, but they keep light, beer’s nemesis, from getting inside. Light can react with beer within weeks or even days to create compounds similar to those a skunk uses to defend itself.
Bottom line.
None of these beers has enough complexity and balance to be excellent, but Coors comes fairly close.
OK, are you as confused as I was when I first read this gutter trash? First of all, this "tasting" done by "experts" had to have been conducted out of the back of a van in a Wal-Mart parking lot by toothless gypsies. If you're doing a taste test, why wouldn't you disclose what beers are being tested? It seems like pertinent information; unless, of course, this tasting includes, a puddle, urine, hobo blood, poop water, and animal semen in addition to Coors and Budweiser. Now, if that's the case then, yes, it makes perfect sense that Coors bested the competition, except for hobo blood; I've heard it has a nice tanginess to it.
How are you then going to go from a blind taste test to talking about how regular beer fairs against light beer? This doesn't need its own section, I'll sum it up for you right here: light beer tastes like puddle water compared to regular beer. Also, if you're drinking a light beer because you're trying to watch your weight, maybe you should consider putting the beer can down and hitting the gym instead, Fatty McBurger Pants.
I appreciated the "Price vs. Taste" category, until I read it. Thanks, Consumer Reports, for letting us know that a novelty Mexican beer is more expensive than a crappy light beer. I'm starting to wonder if the "experts" actually performed this taste test on humans or if they just corralled a bunch of feral cats roaming the Wal-Mart parking lot and tossed them in a sack with eight beers. Whichever beer was "drunk" must have been deemed the winner.
I'm going to skip the "store brands vs. big names" category entirely because, really who cares? You're comparing shitty known beers with shitty lesser known beers. No one's a winner here. Instead, I'm going to jump right into the "cans vs. bottles" section. I'll start by saying WTF?! Listen, I've consumed beer from a tap, a bottle, a can, a plastic cup, out of a dog's bowl, from a boot, and off the floor. I think it's obvious that I'm not a beer snob by any means. If it's hot enough outside, the receptacle the beer comes in doesn't matter as much as the temperature of the beer. If the beer is ice cold, I'll drink it out of nearly anything (except for a sack that previously housed a handful of feral cats for a bogus taste test—I do have my limits). Unfortunately, other than a crappy biology lesson about how light alters the compounds in a beer, they never even compare cans to bottles. I think this article would be better served as a campaign to drum up support for sufferers of ADD or ADHD. Look a squirrel!
Bottom line
No one involved in this tasting (feral cats) or those who performed this test (toothless gypsies) are winners. I think the true winner is Wal-Mart's parking lot because apparently anything can happen there. In closing, I'm going to perform my own tasting of premium 90s beverages. Now, I just need to track down a case of Zima, Bartles & Jaymes, and Boku spiked with cocaine (I'm sure Richard Lewis still has a few cases lying around). Then, I'll grab some feral, er, I mean human beings, and I'll be all set.
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt.
Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy 37 Days Until St. Patrick's Day!
The countdown to the greatest drinking holiday continues. I started my journey at 60 days and I checked back in at 50 days. Now, we're only 37 days out from St. Paddy's Day and I can just feel the drunken excitement. Just a heads up, once we hit the 30-day mark things are going to get even greener in here, with more posts, more videos, more drunken everything's. Also, I'd like to remind people that if you want to win a FREE ScapeGoat Ink t-shirt just visit us at our Facebook page (here) and click the "like" button. You'll automatically be entered into a drawing to win a FREE t-shirt. Our goal is to hit 317 "likes" by March 17. If you've already "liked" us, we appreciate it and we'd like to remind you that you're already automatically entered to win. Now, I've enlisted the help of three talented singers to help express my love
of St. Patrick's Day through the gift of song. Please put your hands
together for The Leprechauns singing, "Oh, Danny Boy." Get ready to cut some onions, people.
Now that The Leprechauns have thoroughly put you in a melancholy state, cheer up with these fine t-shirts from our St. Paddy's Day collection. These digs are sure to put you in the holiday spirit and, who knows, they may even get you some free drinks along the way.
Deforestation is kind of a big task, so we chose to focus on something closer to home: the unfinished-beer pandemic. Next time you order a beer, don't waste a drop. This t-shirt lets people know that you care about the environment, but you also like to party. Remember: Drink, refill, and enjoy! To purchase this t-shirt, just click on the image below.
Recycle Beer
This t-shirt was a nod to one of our favorite Wes Anderson films, The Royal Tenenbaums. Don't worry, if you happen to run into someone who suffers from colorblindness while wearing this T-shirt, they won't get the joke—they're colorblind, remember? To purchase this t-shirt, just click on the image below.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
(Wait...I'm colorblind!?!)
(Wait...I'm colorblind!?!)
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt.
Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
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Dogfish Head Chicory Stout Beer Review
This week's beer was a last-minute purchase. I was leaving the grocery store when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a separate display for this stout away from the usual beer-laden shelves. Well done, store manager, your strategically placed display appealed to my alcoholic impulses. I gently placed the four-pack in my cart. For a brief moment I felt a wave of guilt come over me as I pictured my overstocked fridge with hand-selected beers anxiously anticipating the day when I finally decide to bring them up to The Big Show (Yes, I refer to my weekly beer reviews as The Big Show. Don't judge me.). Luckily my liver was the voice of reason on this one, and it convinced me that I NEEDED this beer. I'm sincerely glad my liver urged me into this one, because as it turns out Dogfish Head's Chicory Stout is only available for a limited time. Thank you for always guiding me in the right direction, Liver!
When I cracked open one of these stouts, the smell was a little difficult to decipher, not for lack of a scent, but rather the smells were simply unfamiliar. I detected a dark, meaty or wood-like smell with a hint of earthiness. Luckily, the first sip was much easier to pinpoint with a very distinctive charred-wood flavor, in a good way, of course. Alcoholic girlfriend decided to join me because I've since corrupted her taste buds into loving dark, rich and flavorful stouts as much as me. According to A.G. her first taste was likened to burnt dark chocolate, to which I don't disagree. It's fascinating the way the flavors linger in my mouth, like smoke from a campfire attaching itself to your clothes and hair. After a few more swigs, A.G. and I agreed that this is what it might feel like to drink carbonated coffee. I wouldn't mind replacing my morning cup with a couple pints of this stout every once in a while. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I swear!
About halfway through, the stout starts to leave behind a very definitive coffee taste. It's not bad, nor does it leave your breath smelling horrendous like the real stuff can. Yes, I'm looking right at you, Mr. I drink 14 cups of Joe and smoke three packs of cigs a day and then talk close enough to melt people's faces right off. Eat a mint, or jump off a bridge, just stop breathing on me. The remaining taste is more of a flavor reminder then an aftertaste. Each sip is like a balancing act between a charred-wood flavor and coffee goodness. The carbonation has a nice bite to it. A.G. pointed out that the flavor coats your entire tongue. I noticed more action on the sides of my buds, but that could be because I was lying sideways and upside down while drinking it.
The way I feel about IPA's must be similar to the way some people unfortunately feel about stouts because they both have such extreme flavors at opposite ends of the spectrum. If you're a casual drinker who walks on the lighter side of beers, I'm not sure if you'll like this one, but I'd advise you to try it before you write it off completely because this is a nice twist on the traditional stout formula. Besides, I may not be a fan of pale ales or IPA's, but I'm still on the lookout for one I can enjoy without imagining I'm drinking someone's bile. Who knows, maybe someday I'll find that IPA that changes my mind when (insert Chicago sports team) wins the (insert sporting event). This stout, like a Guinness, is one I could drink all night long and I think I just might. Sorry alcoholic girlfriend, but my liver wins again tonight. It's OK, liver, sleeping on the couch is like a slumber party with the TV.
Dogfish Head Chicory Stout (5.2% alcohol by volume.)
I'll admit it, I had no idea what chicory was before I bought this beer. I actually had to look it up. If you're anything like me, I've included the definition below:
chic·o·ry/ˈCHikərē/
Noun: A blue-flowered Mediterranean plant (Cichorium intybus) of the daisy family, cultivated for its edible salad leaves and carrot-shaped root.
The root of this plant is roasted and ground for use as an additive to, or substitute for, coffee.
chic·o·ry/ˈCHikərē/
Noun: A blue-flowered Mediterranean plant (Cichorium intybus) of the daisy family, cultivated for its edible salad leaves and carrot-shaped root.
The root of this plant is roasted and ground for use as an additive to, or substitute for, coffee.
When I cracked open one of these stouts, the smell was a little difficult to decipher, not for lack of a scent, but rather the smells were simply unfamiliar. I detected a dark, meaty or wood-like smell with a hint of earthiness. Luckily, the first sip was much easier to pinpoint with a very distinctive charred-wood flavor, in a good way, of course. Alcoholic girlfriend decided to join me because I've since corrupted her taste buds into loving dark, rich and flavorful stouts as much as me. According to A.G. her first taste was likened to burnt dark chocolate, to which I don't disagree. It's fascinating the way the flavors linger in my mouth, like smoke from a campfire attaching itself to your clothes and hair. After a few more swigs, A.G. and I agreed that this is what it might feel like to drink carbonated coffee. I wouldn't mind replacing my morning cup with a couple pints of this stout every once in a while. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I swear!
About halfway through, the stout starts to leave behind a very definitive coffee taste. It's not bad, nor does it leave your breath smelling horrendous like the real stuff can. Yes, I'm looking right at you, Mr. I drink 14 cups of Joe and smoke three packs of cigs a day and then talk close enough to melt people's faces right off. Eat a mint, or jump off a bridge, just stop breathing on me. The remaining taste is more of a flavor reminder then an aftertaste. Each sip is like a balancing act between a charred-wood flavor and coffee goodness. The carbonation has a nice bite to it. A.G. pointed out that the flavor coats your entire tongue. I noticed more action on the sides of my buds, but that could be because I was lying sideways and upside down while drinking it.
The way I feel about IPA's must be similar to the way some people unfortunately feel about stouts because they both have such extreme flavors at opposite ends of the spectrum. If you're a casual drinker who walks on the lighter side of beers, I'm not sure if you'll like this one, but I'd advise you to try it before you write it off completely because this is a nice twist on the traditional stout formula. Besides, I may not be a fan of pale ales or IPA's, but I'm still on the lookout for one I can enjoy without imagining I'm drinking someone's bile. Who knows, maybe someday I'll find that IPA that changes my mind when (insert Chicago sports team) wins the (insert sporting event). This stout, like a Guinness, is one I could drink all night long and I think I just might. Sorry alcoholic girlfriend, but my liver wins again tonight. It's OK, liver, sleeping on the couch is like a slumber party with the TV.
If you haven't already, please click here
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Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
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Don't Be A Weirdo, Get Yourself A Beardo!
It would be in poor taste for us to freely advertise for another clothing line, since we have a clothing line of our own selling hilarious drinking t-shirts. Luckily, we found a loophole, which is that we do not sell hats. The other reason we're taking a moment to give a shout out to this company is because we are huge advocates of facial hair, as you may have known from our continued support and participation in Movember (read about our journey from boyhood to manhood here and here). I'm sure you're all wondering aloud to yourselves, "Wait a minute, ScapeGoat Ink. What do hats and facial hair have to do with each other?" We'll, we were going to get to that before you so rudely interrupted us with your thinking out loud. Well, shit, now you've blown our intro. Thanks. Um, where was I? Oh yeah, introducing The Beardo.
The Beardo, or hat with beard attached (in case you're still confused as to what it is), is the creation of Canadian, winter-sports enthusiast, Jeff Phillips. In summary, while Phillips was snowboarding he was trying to stay warm, so he made a mock version with a scarf, which became the prototype for the glorious hat pictured above. It's since been refined and is now a hat that keeps your head and face warm at the same time. As can be imagined, people, even ones outside of the skiing/snowboarding community, gravitated toward the Beardo. Now, in case you want to match your face carpet with your head drapes, the hat also comes in black, ginger, blonde, and Toronto (white). To check out Beardo's website, click here.
Do you know what would go really well with a Beardo? An original ScapeGoat Ink drinking t-shirt. To check out our store, click here.
The Beardo, or hat with beard attached (in case you're still confused as to what it is), is the creation of Canadian, winter-sports enthusiast, Jeff Phillips. In summary, while Phillips was snowboarding he was trying to stay warm, so he made a mock version with a scarf, which became the prototype for the glorious hat pictured above. It's since been refined and is now a hat that keeps your head and face warm at the same time. As can be imagined, people, even ones outside of the skiing/snowboarding community, gravitated toward the Beardo. Now, in case you want to match your face carpet with your head drapes, the hat also comes in black, ginger, blonde, and Toronto (white). To check out Beardo's website, click here.
Do you know what would go really well with a Beardo? An original ScapeGoat Ink drinking t-shirt. To check out our store, click here.
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt.
Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
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Join the V-Day Haters Club Today!
Get geared up for Black Tuesday this year with a shirt that expresses how you really feel about this saccharine greeting-card holiday for "lovers." Toss on one of these t-shirts, adorned with a skull and crossbones, head to the local watering hole and let the magic begin. Not only is this t-shirt a great conversation starter, but if it does its job properly, which we guarantee it will, you'll be leaving the bar with a man or a woman on your arm and at least one shared interest—a disdain for Valentine's Day.
Trust me, people, if you dislike this holiday it's best that you find out upfront whether or not your girlfriend/boyfriend does too. Otherwise, you might find yourself in an awkward situation when this fake holiday rolls around and your significant other is expecting a Valentine's Day teddy bear, three dozen roses, a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant, and a V-Day card written by some a-hole who thinks his poetic rhymes are a better way of expressing your feelings than you actually expressing them yourself without the added pressure of a holiday. For only $15 we can save you from a lifetime of having to celebrate this fabricated holiday. Trust me, you and your wallet will thank us. Now, get into uniform and join the growing majority of V-Day haters by clicking here or on the t-shirt above.
Trust me, people, if you dislike this holiday it's best that you find out upfront whether or not your girlfriend/boyfriend does too. Otherwise, you might find yourself in an awkward situation when this fake holiday rolls around and your significant other is expecting a Valentine's Day teddy bear, three dozen roses, a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant, and a V-Day card written by some a-hole who thinks his poetic rhymes are a better way of expressing your feelings than you actually expressing them yourself without the added pressure of a holiday. For only $15 we can save you from a lifetime of having to celebrate this fabricated holiday. Trust me, you and your wallet will thank us. Now, get into uniform and join the growing majority of V-Day haters by clicking here or on the t-shirt above.
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt.
Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Big Americans Celebrating a Big Game--Super Bowl 2012
This weekend is Super Bowl Sunday and no matter where your allegiance may lie you should make it a point to watch the game, if nothing more than for four uninterrupted hours of boozin' and snackin'. So whether you're cheering on the Patriots, the Giants, the cute black lab in the Puppy Bowl, or just tuning in for the million dollar commercials, make it a point to relax and crack some brews with some buddies. Trust me, just because your team didn't make it (I'm sure the Bears are going next year, I can feeeeeeeeel it) doesn't mean you can't get fired up about this game and, who knows, maybe even go streaking at halftime. Invite Snoop-a-loop along and tell him to bring his green hat.
For your reading pleasure, I decided to include the abridged version of a Super Bowl party fact slideshow I found. No, it's not from TheDailyMeal.com, which serves up steaming piles of crap daily. If you missed my bashing of the previously mentioned site with their slideshow gem, "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship," read it here. This time, I'm actually including a legitimate slideshow from Fox Sports. To see the slideshow in its entirety, click here. I may or may not be adding a few zings here and there to keep things fresh.
1. This Super Bowl is slated to generate $150 million, which includes all the money spent by fans, sponsors, media and other visitors in the Indianapolis area this year.
2. Fans will consume roughly 1.25 billion Buffalo wings this weekend. Sucks to be a winged buffalo this time of year, huh?
3. In the past 20 years, 17 Super Bowls have been won by the team that hails from the city with the lower unemployment rate. With that rationale, the Patriots are slated to win. Get a job, New York!
4. Veggie platters rank top on the list of snacks most consumed on this sacred Sunday. The Midwest is definitely not representing the veggie platter; maybe the wings, but not the veggie platter.
5. According to a poll, 9 out of 10 people watch the game at their own house, or a friend's house, as opposed to hitting up a bar. That makes perfect sense, especially if your buddy's team beats yours, you can always upper deck him (Google it).
6. Dominoes pizza estimates that it will deliver 9 million pieces of pizza to hungry viewers. Does it seem strange to anyone else that they estimate in pizza slices? Um, hey, Dominoes, I'll take 16 slices of pepperoni, please.
7. It's estimated that one third of adults will bet on this game. Unfortunately, of the people surveyed, 92 percent lost money in the past. Hmm, I like those odds. Put it all on the Pit bull in the Puppy Bowl, kind sir.
8. A survey indicated that 32 percent of fans will eat dip on Sunday, while 100 percent of people reading that fact will find it boring as hell.
9. When asked what people would give up to see the Super Bowl, 23 percent said a vacation, 21 percent said an important work responsibility, 20 percent said the wedding of a close friend or family member, 19 percent said the funeral of a loved one, and 15 percent said the birth of a child. I personally think that's pretty weak and a lie. No one said anything about giving up a body part, killing someone, or giving up an actual child. I mean, where's the dedication, pansies?
10. It takes lots of spuds to make the 11.2 million pounds of potato chips that fans will be munching on in front of the television during the big game. I cut the rest of the fact because it basically explains how chips make people fat and I didn't want anyone to feel self conscious on Sunday. You're welcome.
11. An estimated 8 million pounds of avocados will be murdered for your Guacamole-eating pleasure. I hope you're happy, murderers! This is where I throw green paint on all of you.
12. Some hotels have jacked up their rates by more than 1700 percent! In fact, one hotel near the Indy airport is charging $725 for a room during Super Bowl weekend that normally costs only $39. Unless that room comes with a free fully stocked bar, an autographed football from both teams, and at least a few high-class call girls, I'd venture to say that it's not worth it.
13. In 2009, a total of 55,200 hot dogs were served at Tampa Bay's stadium when it hosted Super Bowl XLIII. I'm curious how many of those hotdog guzzlers had heart attacks after the game?
14. The biggest sport in Indianapolis isn't football, it's a sport where you watch a shit load of left turns at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which can seat 400,000 people for the Indy 500, including standing room in the huge infield. Wow, I'm impressed. I had no idea 400,000 people enjoyed (insert inbred/hillbilly/race car driving joke here).
15. Roughly 48 million Americans will order takeout or delivery food from a restaurant instead of cooking up grub at home. They may have to wait fourteen hours before they receive their food, but dammit all, they're getting their Buffalo wings.
16. Of the 10 most-watched programs in the U.S. television history eight of them are Super Bowls. In fact, last year's Super Bowl tops the list with a whopping 111 million viewers. I'll assume the other two most-watched programs would be the Golden Girls episode where the infamous four-way takes place. And, the next would have to be The Batman episode where a shark bites onto the hanging ladder of a helicopter and tries to climb it to bite the masked superhero.
17. It's going to take a big microwave to pop up the 3.8 million pounds of popcorn fans will be munching on. It will also take tons of floss and weeks of dedication to clean every kernel out of your teeth.
18. The average fan will consume 1200 calories and 50 grams of fat from snacks. And yes, that's just snacks and not meals on the big day. Not to worry, come Monday we'll just look into heart bypass surgery options.
19. All that food needs to be washed down with something. Will you be picking up one of the 51.7 million cases of beer sold to quench the thirst of Super Bowl fans? I don't know that seems pretty low to me. I mean with 11.2 pounds of potato chips and 9 million slices of pizza, I feel like we could be doing better in that department.
20. I cut this "fact" because it was about how people will be eating apple slices and macaroni and cheese instead of the usual heart-attack inducing food. It wasn't really a fact, but more of a dumb observation. You're welcome.
21. Over 4.3 million lbs. of pretzels will be consumed throughout American households and bars this Sunday. Again, I really feel like more beer is needed to wash it all down.
22. The Super Bowl is the top grilling day of winter, with 62 percent of people firing up the grills. Hell, with the weather we've been having in the Midwest those numbers are sure to rise.
23. Whether its peanuts, cashews, pistachios or any other nuts, 2.5 million pounds of the salty snack will make its way to our snack tables. Ha ha, you guys eat a lot of salty nuts.
24. Tortilla chips also get some respect at the Super Bowl snack table with 8.2 million pounds of them consumed by fans. I'm glad our Mexican brethren are getting a shout out here.
25. The Super Bowl is the second highest day of food consumption in the United States after Thanksgiving. What can I say, Americans like eatin' food.
26. Antacids sales are expected to increase 20% on the day after Super Bowl. I think it's safe to say that plumbers and ER doctors will also experience an increase as well.
To all enjoying the Super Bowl, the commercials, the Puppy Bowl, or Madonna's (Yuck) Halftime (Bathroom break) show (shudder), enjoy yourself and do these facts and statistics proud. Cheers!
For your reading pleasure, I decided to include the abridged version of a Super Bowl party fact slideshow I found. No, it's not from TheDailyMeal.com, which serves up steaming piles of crap daily. If you missed my bashing of the previously mentioned site with their slideshow gem, "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship," read it here. This time, I'm actually including a legitimate slideshow from Fox Sports. To see the slideshow in its entirety, click here. I may or may not be adding a few zings here and there to keep things fresh.
1. This Super Bowl is slated to generate $150 million, which includes all the money spent by fans, sponsors, media and other visitors in the Indianapolis area this year.
2. Fans will consume roughly 1.25 billion Buffalo wings this weekend. Sucks to be a winged buffalo this time of year, huh?
3. In the past 20 years, 17 Super Bowls have been won by the team that hails from the city with the lower unemployment rate. With that rationale, the Patriots are slated to win. Get a job, New York!
4. Veggie platters rank top on the list of snacks most consumed on this sacred Sunday. The Midwest is definitely not representing the veggie platter; maybe the wings, but not the veggie platter.
5. According to a poll, 9 out of 10 people watch the game at their own house, or a friend's house, as opposed to hitting up a bar. That makes perfect sense, especially if your buddy's team beats yours, you can always upper deck him (Google it).
6. Dominoes pizza estimates that it will deliver 9 million pieces of pizza to hungry viewers. Does it seem strange to anyone else that they estimate in pizza slices? Um, hey, Dominoes, I'll take 16 slices of pepperoni, please.
7. It's estimated that one third of adults will bet on this game. Unfortunately, of the people surveyed, 92 percent lost money in the past. Hmm, I like those odds. Put it all on the Pit bull in the Puppy Bowl, kind sir.
8. A survey indicated that 32 percent of fans will eat dip on Sunday, while 100 percent of people reading that fact will find it boring as hell.
9. When asked what people would give up to see the Super Bowl, 23 percent said a vacation, 21 percent said an important work responsibility, 20 percent said the wedding of a close friend or family member, 19 percent said the funeral of a loved one, and 15 percent said the birth of a child. I personally think that's pretty weak and a lie. No one said anything about giving up a body part, killing someone, or giving up an actual child. I mean, where's the dedication, pansies?
10. It takes lots of spuds to make the 11.2 million pounds of potato chips that fans will be munching on in front of the television during the big game. I cut the rest of the fact because it basically explains how chips make people fat and I didn't want anyone to feel self conscious on Sunday. You're welcome.
11. An estimated 8 million pounds of avocados will be murdered for your Guacamole-eating pleasure. I hope you're happy, murderers! This is where I throw green paint on all of you.
12. Some hotels have jacked up their rates by more than 1700 percent! In fact, one hotel near the Indy airport is charging $725 for a room during Super Bowl weekend that normally costs only $39. Unless that room comes with a free fully stocked bar, an autographed football from both teams, and at least a few high-class call girls, I'd venture to say that it's not worth it.
13. In 2009, a total of 55,200 hot dogs were served at Tampa Bay's stadium when it hosted Super Bowl XLIII. I'm curious how many of those hotdog guzzlers had heart attacks after the game?
14. The biggest sport in Indianapolis isn't football, it's a sport where you watch a shit load of left turns at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which can seat 400,000 people for the Indy 500, including standing room in the huge infield. Wow, I'm impressed. I had no idea 400,000 people enjoyed (insert inbred/hillbilly/race car driving joke here).
15. Roughly 48 million Americans will order takeout or delivery food from a restaurant instead of cooking up grub at home. They may have to wait fourteen hours before they receive their food, but dammit all, they're getting their Buffalo wings.
16. Of the 10 most-watched programs in the U.S. television history eight of them are Super Bowls. In fact, last year's Super Bowl tops the list with a whopping 111 million viewers. I'll assume the other two most-watched programs would be the Golden Girls episode where the infamous four-way takes place. And, the next would have to be The Batman episode where a shark bites onto the hanging ladder of a helicopter and tries to climb it to bite the masked superhero.
17. It's going to take a big microwave to pop up the 3.8 million pounds of popcorn fans will be munching on. It will also take tons of floss and weeks of dedication to clean every kernel out of your teeth.
18. The average fan will consume 1200 calories and 50 grams of fat from snacks. And yes, that's just snacks and not meals on the big day. Not to worry, come Monday we'll just look into heart bypass surgery options.
19. All that food needs to be washed down with something. Will you be picking up one of the 51.7 million cases of beer sold to quench the thirst of Super Bowl fans? I don't know that seems pretty low to me. I mean with 11.2 pounds of potato chips and 9 million slices of pizza, I feel like we could be doing better in that department.
20. I cut this "fact" because it was about how people will be eating apple slices and macaroni and cheese instead of the usual heart-attack inducing food. It wasn't really a fact, but more of a dumb observation. You're welcome.
21. Over 4.3 million lbs. of pretzels will be consumed throughout American households and bars this Sunday. Again, I really feel like more beer is needed to wash it all down.
22. The Super Bowl is the top grilling day of winter, with 62 percent of people firing up the grills. Hell, with the weather we've been having in the Midwest those numbers are sure to rise.
23. Whether its peanuts, cashews, pistachios or any other nuts, 2.5 million pounds of the salty snack will make its way to our snack tables. Ha ha, you guys eat a lot of salty nuts.
24. Tortilla chips also get some respect at the Super Bowl snack table with 8.2 million pounds of them consumed by fans. I'm glad our Mexican brethren are getting a shout out here.
25. The Super Bowl is the second highest day of food consumption in the United States after Thanksgiving. What can I say, Americans like eatin' food.
26. Antacids sales are expected to increase 20% on the day after Super Bowl. I think it's safe to say that plumbers and ER doctors will also experience an increase as well.
To all enjoying the Super Bowl, the commercials, the Puppy Bowl, or Madonna's (Yuck) Halftime (Bathroom break) show (shudder), enjoy yourself and do these facts and statistics proud. Cheers!
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt.
Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us
love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy Groundhog Day 2012!
Happy Groundhog Day! According to the morning news, Punxsutawney Phil saw his fat little shadow today, which means we're in for 6 more weeks of winter. However, with the way this winter weather has been so far, I don't mind a bit. With that said, I realized that all the years I've been celebrating this holiday, I never really understood why we celebrate it in the first place. And, since Schoolhouse Rock taught me that knowledge is power, I decided to become more powerful today and, as a bonus, I've decided to share that power with you all, my fair blog readers.
I wanted some answers, so I turned to the internet and, using my sleuthing skills and my degree in Journalism (Thanks, Dad, today might be the day that the college education finally pays off), I got to the bottom of this supposed holiday named "Groundhog Day." Well, sort of. I started my search with the ever-reliable Groundhog.org, which has to be of the highest authority since it's home to Punxsutawney Phil, of Punxsutawney, PA fame. Besides, why would they lie to me (unless they had something to hide)? Just as I was getting my notepad and pencil ready to do some serious detectiving (trust me, I'm a journalist, it's a word), I discovered that the site did a lot of the legwork for me, so instead I just navigated right to the Frequently Asked Question section. I'll assume this section was created because there were other ballsy knowledge-seekers looking for answers to get right down to the nitty gritty of it all. I was wrong. This is what I discovered:
"Yes! Punxsutawney Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.
First of all, I copied these exactly as they appear in the FAQ section. Um, where's the question, you ask? This should have been my first indication that this organization was not going to be entirely truthful with me. What if the question was, "Hey, is Groundhog Day really a sham?" and the organization just decided to disregard the original question and answer something a little easier. Not cool, organization. Not cool. Since they did provide an answer, I feel it my duty to offer a response. They claim Phil is the only true seer and the rest are imposters (I'll assume they mean weathermen and women are frauds), but I feel like they're just trying to prevent Americans from running out and buying their own weather-predicting groundhog. How do we know Phil is the only one? I think it's a way to force us to pay for premium weather stations, so that the Tom Skilling's of the world can reap the benefits. I'm putting my foot down. I'm canceling my premium weather channel subscription and I'm urging you all to join me and buy yourself a groundhog. Trust me, I crunched the number and we'll save hundreds of dollars, especially since g-hogs work for sunshine, smiles, and pickles, I believe. Boom. I'm already saving you people money with this investigation.
How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!
So, Phil is like The House in this equation, which means he never loses. Well, well, it sounds like my money-saving plan is going to work after all.
How many "Phil's" have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 125 years!
Shit, maybe my idea of everyone in America owning a groundhog was a bad one. I mean, you don't want a rodent that can outlive you hanging out in your home, do you? I'm sure those little shits are just counting down the years before we're all old and decrepit and then they can overpower us and eat our faces off. Cancel that, Weathermen and women are back on. Groundhogs are out.
Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.
"Elixir of life"? Seven more years with one sip? So that means he's had to of drunk it at least 18 times already. So, if someone were to steal the elixir and prevent him from drinking it, theoretically he'd die this summer. Hmmm. What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking out loud.
On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob.
According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
See, this is the part that always throws me for a loop. If Phil sees his shadow that means it's sunny out, which in my mind indicates nice weather. So, why, pray tell, would his shadow indicate that there is more winter to come? Wait a minute, how do we know the "Inner Circle" doesn't just (gasp) make it up in advance?
No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.
Well, crap! There goes my theory. These people are good...maybe TOO good. Wait a second, did they say Groundhogese? Ah, screw it, it actually sounds like truth to me.
The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're following some old crap that settlers started? Um, anyone remember the Salem Witch Trials? Settlers were batshit crazy. Sure they started the new world for us, but they also brought over dysentery, broken arms, and snake bites. Shit, hold on, I'm just thinking about the awesome computer game, Oregon Trails. Never mind, disregard what I just typed.
Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob again.
So the story goes, Punxsutawney Phil was named after King Phillip. Prior to being called Phil, he was called Br'er Groundhog."
Well, this bit of information is clearly the only nonfactual portion of this FAQ section. I mean really, King Phillip? Who would respect, or even pay allegiance to a King Phillip? Yuck, no one, that's who. Now, a King Throat Punch, King Fightmaster, King Magnus, King Ron Swansen, or even King Darren all sound like fearless and respectable kings I'd be thrilled to throw my support behind and ride into battle with. Pay homage to a King Phillip? Yeah right. I'd rather own a groundhog that will eventually eat my face when I reach the ripe old age of 94, presumably directly after winning a pizza eating contest.
Since my research resulted in zeroes worth of knowledge, I will share with you a video clip of the greatest Groundhog Day movie EVER, starring the ever-amazing, Bill Murray! My brother and I make it a point to get drunk and watch this cinematic classic every year on February 2. Enjoy! Ned Ryerson—Bing!
I wanted some answers, so I turned to the internet and, using my sleuthing skills and my degree in Journalism (Thanks, Dad, today might be the day that the college education finally pays off), I got to the bottom of this supposed holiday named "Groundhog Day." Well, sort of. I started my search with the ever-reliable Groundhog.org, which has to be of the highest authority since it's home to Punxsutawney Phil, of Punxsutawney, PA fame. Besides, why would they lie to me (unless they had something to hide)? Just as I was getting my notepad and pencil ready to do some serious detectiving (trust me, I'm a journalist, it's a word), I discovered that the site did a lot of the legwork for me, so instead I just navigated right to the Frequently Asked Question section. I'll assume this section was created because there were other ballsy knowledge-seekers looking for answers to get right down to the nitty gritty of it all. I was wrong. This is what I discovered:
"Yes! Punxsutawney Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.
First of all, I copied these exactly as they appear in the FAQ section. Um, where's the question, you ask? This should have been my first indication that this organization was not going to be entirely truthful with me. What if the question was, "Hey, is Groundhog Day really a sham?" and the organization just decided to disregard the original question and answer something a little easier. Not cool, organization. Not cool. Since they did provide an answer, I feel it my duty to offer a response. They claim Phil is the only true seer and the rest are imposters (I'll assume they mean weathermen and women are frauds), but I feel like they're just trying to prevent Americans from running out and buying their own weather-predicting groundhog. How do we know Phil is the only one? I think it's a way to force us to pay for premium weather stations, so that the Tom Skilling's of the world can reap the benefits. I'm putting my foot down. I'm canceling my premium weather channel subscription and I'm urging you all to join me and buy yourself a groundhog. Trust me, I crunched the number and we'll save hundreds of dollars, especially since g-hogs work for sunshine, smiles, and pickles, I believe. Boom. I'm already saving you people money with this investigation.
How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!
So, Phil is like The House in this equation, which means he never loses. Well, well, it sounds like my money-saving plan is going to work after all.
How many "Phil's" have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 125 years!
Shit, maybe my idea of everyone in America owning a groundhog was a bad one. I mean, you don't want a rodent that can outlive you hanging out in your home, do you? I'm sure those little shits are just counting down the years before we're all old and decrepit and then they can overpower us and eat our faces off. Cancel that, Weathermen and women are back on. Groundhogs are out.
Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.
"Elixir of life"? Seven more years with one sip? So that means he's had to of drunk it at least 18 times already. So, if someone were to steal the elixir and prevent him from drinking it, theoretically he'd die this summer. Hmmm. What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking out loud.
On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob.
According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
See, this is the part that always throws me for a loop. If Phil sees his shadow that means it's sunny out, which in my mind indicates nice weather. So, why, pray tell, would his shadow indicate that there is more winter to come? Wait a minute, how do we know the "Inner Circle" doesn't just (gasp) make it up in advance?
No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.
Well, crap! There goes my theory. These people are good...maybe TOO good. Wait a second, did they say Groundhogese? Ah, screw it, it actually sounds like truth to me.
The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're following some old crap that settlers started? Um, anyone remember the Salem Witch Trials? Settlers were batshit crazy. Sure they started the new world for us, but they also brought over dysentery, broken arms, and snake bites. Shit, hold on, I'm just thinking about the awesome computer game, Oregon Trails. Never mind, disregard what I just typed.
Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob again.
So the story goes, Punxsutawney Phil was named after King Phillip. Prior to being called Phil, he was called Br'er Groundhog."
Well, this bit of information is clearly the only nonfactual portion of this FAQ section. I mean really, King Phillip? Who would respect, or even pay allegiance to a King Phillip? Yuck, no one, that's who. Now, a King Throat Punch, King Fightmaster, King Magnus, King Ron Swansen, or even King Darren all sound like fearless and respectable kings I'd be thrilled to throw my support behind and ride into battle with. Pay homage to a King Phillip? Yeah right. I'd rather own a groundhog that will eventually eat my face when I reach the ripe old age of 94, presumably directly after winning a pizza eating contest.
Since my research resulted in zeroes worth of knowledge, I will share with you a video clip of the greatest Groundhog Day movie EVER, starring the ever-amazing, Bill Murray! My brother and I make it a point to get drunk and watch this cinematic classic every year on February 2. Enjoy! Ned Ryerson—Bing!
If you haven't already, please click here
and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. Help us reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
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Help Jonah & Coloring With Cancer Reach Its Goal!
I
saw a message on Facebook that my cousin Terese had posted about a
little boy named Jonah who was trying to make a difference. Here's her original post:
"Would you like to help bring some color to the life of a child battling cancer? My little pal, Jonah Oubre, is collecting coloring books and boxes of crayons to donate to the children's cancer ward. His goal is 1000 books and 1000 boxes by 12/01/12. Last posting said he has already collected 400 items. If you live near me, I can collect your donation and give them to Jonah. You can also message Jonah's mother, Leslie Still Oubre, for pick up. They also accept cash donations to purchase books and crayons. It's a small donation from you... a giant gift to a child with cancer. Thank you for your support. Feel free to re-post."
It turns out that Jonah's parents, Mike and Leslie Oubre, are a family friend of Terese and her husband Joe. Leslie and Joe worked together for several years in the landscaping business. Apparently this idea began when Jonah decided to use the money he was saving for a RC car to do something special for other kids. He wanted to buy coloring books and crayons for children fighting cancer. He has already collected 500 items to date, but he needs your help to spread the word and help him meet his goal. According to Coloring with Cancer's page, if you donate 5 coloring books and 5 boxes of crayons, Jonah will give you a personal shout out on Facebook. Well, Jonah, here's a personal shout out to you: Thank you for doing something wonderful and inspiring others to get involved. I'd tell you I hope you reach your goal, but I already know you will. So instead, I hope you realize what a difference you are making, and will make, in countless children's lives. For that, we salute you!
Jonah dropping off his first round of donations to the AFLAC Cancer Center in GA.
You can get involved and help Jonah reach his goal by sending donations, in the form of coloring books, crayons, or a monetary amount, to:
Coloring With Cancer
P.O. Box 1653
Jasper, GA 30143
If you have any questions, comments, or words of encouragement for Jonah and his parents, Leslie and Mike, you can direct them to Coloring with Cancer's Facebook page by clicking here. If you can't make a donation at this time, you can still help. Please spread the word far and wide about this wonderful little boy's wishes of trying to bring a smile to the faces of children fighting cancer.
"Would you like to help bring some color to the life of a child battling cancer? My little pal, Jonah Oubre, is collecting coloring books and boxes of crayons to donate to the children's cancer ward. His goal is 1000 books and 1000 boxes by 12/01/12. Last posting said he has already collected 400 items. If you live near me, I can collect your donation and give them to Jonah. You can also message Jonah's mother, Leslie Still Oubre, for pick up. They also accept cash donations to purchase books and crayons. It's a small donation from you... a giant gift to a child with cancer. Thank you for your support. Feel free to re-post."
It turns out that Jonah's parents, Mike and Leslie Oubre, are a family friend of Terese and her husband Joe. Leslie and Joe worked together for several years in the landscaping business. Apparently this idea began when Jonah decided to use the money he was saving for a RC car to do something special for other kids. He wanted to buy coloring books and crayons for children fighting cancer. He has already collected 500 items to date, but he needs your help to spread the word and help him meet his goal. According to Coloring with Cancer's page, if you donate 5 coloring books and 5 boxes of crayons, Jonah will give you a personal shout out on Facebook. Well, Jonah, here's a personal shout out to you: Thank you for doing something wonderful and inspiring others to get involved. I'd tell you I hope you reach your goal, but I already know you will. So instead, I hope you realize what a difference you are making, and will make, in countless children's lives. For that, we salute you!
Jonah dropping off his first round of donations to the AFLAC Cancer Center in GA.
You can get involved and help Jonah reach his goal by sending donations, in the form of coloring books, crayons, or a monetary amount, to:
Coloring With Cancer
P.O. Box 1653
Jasper, GA 30143
If you have any questions, comments, or words of encouragement for Jonah and his parents, Leslie and Mike, you can direct them to Coloring with Cancer's Facebook page by clicking here. If you can't make a donation at this time, you can still help. Please spread the word far and wide about this wonderful little boy's wishes of trying to bring a smile to the faces of children fighting cancer.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
USA Slow Wine Tour 2012
I stumbled across Slow Food, which is a movement that's spreading across the country. According to the website, "Slow Food is an idea, a way of living and a way of eating. It is part of a global, grassroots movement with thousands of members in over 150 countries, which links the pleasure of food with a commitment to community and the environment."
It turns out that they also like drinking wine too, which is why the group launched the very first Slow Wine tour right here in Chicago. According to the website, "[Slow Wine] adopts a new approach to wine criticism and looks at a variety of factors to evaluate wineries in their entirety, taking into consideration the wine quality, typicity and adherence to terroir, value for money, environmental sensitivity and ecologically sustainable viticultural practices." I have no idea what some of those words even mean, but they had me at wine tour. Since their winery evaluation system is quite unique, I've included it below.
The guide uses three symbols to evaluate each winery:
• The Snail, the Slow Food symbol, signals a cellar that has distinguished itself through its interpretation of sensorial, territorial, environmental and personal values in harmony with the Slow Food philosophy
• The Bottle, allocated to cellars that show a consistently high quality throughout their range of wines
• The Coin, an indicator of great value
Now, onto the important stuff, the wine tour information:
Where: Spiaggia, located at 980 N. Michigan Ave.
What: 100 wines from 45 Slow Wine producers
When: This Thursday, February 2, 2012
General Admission is from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: $30 for members of Slow Food USA, $35 for general admission. Admission includes a complimentary copy of the Slow Wine guide and a commemorative wine glass. To book your ticket please click here. Since the wine list was way too long to include, you can click here and download it. Cheers!
It turns out that they also like drinking wine too, which is why the group launched the very first Slow Wine tour right here in Chicago. According to the website, "[Slow Wine] adopts a new approach to wine criticism and looks at a variety of factors to evaluate wineries in their entirety, taking into consideration the wine quality, typicity and adherence to terroir, value for money, environmental sensitivity and ecologically sustainable viticultural practices." I have no idea what some of those words even mean, but they had me at wine tour. Since their winery evaluation system is quite unique, I've included it below.
The guide uses three symbols to evaluate each winery:
• The Snail, the Slow Food symbol, signals a cellar that has distinguished itself through its interpretation of sensorial, territorial, environmental and personal values in harmony with the Slow Food philosophy
• The Bottle, allocated to cellars that show a consistently high quality throughout their range of wines
• The Coin, an indicator of great value
Now, onto the important stuff, the wine tour information:
Where: Spiaggia, located at 980 N. Michigan Ave.
What: 100 wines from 45 Slow Wine producers
When: This Thursday, February 2, 2012
General Admission is from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.: $30 for members of Slow Food USA, $35 for general admission. Admission includes a complimentary copy of the Slow Wine guide and a commemorative wine glass. To book your ticket please click here. Since the wine list was way too long to include, you can click here and download it. Cheers!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2
Matthew Broderick is all grown up, but that doesn't mean he can't play hooky anymore. To celebrate the launch of the all-new 2012 CR-V, Honda brought "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" back for one last time. According to Honda, they hid over two dozen references to the movie throughout the commercial. Some are obvious, some are not. How many can you find?
This commercial was originally slated for the Super Bowl, but apparently Honda decided to leak it early. Perhaps paying millions of dollars to play a two minute spot was a little rich for their blood. I'd also like to make it clear to any hardcore "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" fans, this is only a commercial. This does NOT mean they are making a sequel to this movie. With that said, how does it make you feel to see the reprising of an iconic 80s character for a car endorsement? Does it make you want to buy a Honda CR-V, watch Ferris Bueller right now, or punch a cat and curse Honda? Drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com, or leave me a comment below.
This commercial was originally slated for the Super Bowl, but apparently Honda decided to leak it early. Perhaps paying millions of dollars to play a two minute spot was a little rich for their blood. I'd also like to make it clear to any hardcore "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" fans, this is only a commercial. This does NOT mean they are making a sequel to this movie. With that said, how does it make you feel to see the reprising of an iconic 80s character for a car endorsement? Does it make you want to buy a Honda CR-V, watch Ferris Bueller right now, or punch a cat and curse Honda? Drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com, or leave me a comment below.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy 50 Days Until St. Patrick's Day!
The weekend is finally here, and I don't know if you've gathered this from my previous post (read it here), but I truly love St. Patrick's Day. I started my countdown 60 days out and I intend to keep counting down until the greatest drinking holiday arrives. Then I plan on getting tweaked on green beer all night long and starting the countdown the very next day. Of course, after I've tended to my hangover.
In addition to counting down until St. Paddy's Day I've decided to do another FREE t-shirt contest. That's right folks; get ready to win some FREE schwag. Before New Year's Day we were able to exceed our goal of 100 "likes" on our Facebook fan page in only two weeks. Now, I'm hoping to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, which gives us a little over a month and a half to reach our goal. I have faith in all of you, so please spread the word far and wide. As usual, anyone who has already "liked" our fan page is automatically entered in the drawing to win. Please help us reach our goal by clicking here and "liking" us on Facebook. If you can't wait for the contest, you can always purchase a number of hilarious t-shirts from our store. Below, you'll find additions from our St. Paddy's Day line.
In addition to counting down until St. Paddy's Day I've decided to do another FREE t-shirt contest. That's right folks; get ready to win some FREE schwag. Before New Year's Day we were able to exceed our goal of 100 "likes" on our Facebook fan page in only two weeks. Now, I'm hoping to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, which gives us a little over a month and a half to reach our goal. I have faith in all of you, so please spread the word far and wide. As usual, anyone who has already "liked" our fan page is automatically entered in the drawing to win. Please help us reach our goal by clicking here and "liking" us on Facebook. If you can't wait for the contest, you can always purchase a number of hilarious t-shirts from our store. Below, you'll find additions from our St. Paddy's Day line.
We celebrate anything and everything—from holidays and weekends to happy hour and great minutes in the day. If there is a reason to drink, we'll be there. If you want to join the party, click on the t-shirt below.
I observe any holiday
that celebrates with alcohol.
The term "Going Green" was originally coined by an Irishmen by the name of Paddy O'Shea and it had nothing to do with the environment. Click on the t-shirt below to show your pride.
I was Green before
"eco-friendly" was a word.
I observe any holiday
that celebrates with alcohol.
The term "Going Green" was originally coined by an Irishmen by the name of Paddy O'Shea and it had nothing to do with the environment. Click on the t-shirt below to show your pride.
I was Green before
"eco-friendly" was a word.
If you haven't already, click here
and show us some love on Facebook. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
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Classic Beer Commercial #1: Schlitz
Remember how cool beer commercials used to be? Well, this week I'm trying out a new feature where I track down some classic beer commercials from back in the day, I assure you I'll only select the highest of quality, and put them back in the spotlight where they belong. This week, it's Schlitz's time to shine. I found this 90s gem among a handful of other quality beer commercials, but it stuck out because it's just so damn cool. Everything about it screams cool. Sorry PETA, but it's a fact that every time this video clip is viewed, a bald eagle bursts into flames. Enjoy!
A four pack of beer should always be kept close to ones person, like zipped in a leather jacket on a hot summer day to keep it...warm? Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. However, tying strings to your fan does because then you always know when it's on or off, instead of having to think about it. If furniture's not in use, cover it with white sheets because A.) it keeps the upholstery fresh and new, and B.) it makes for really cool forts at night.
OK the end of the video was a little confusing. If someone stole my sweet ass hog (that's cool-people talk for motorcycle) and left me a cold beer in exchange I'd appreciate the gesture, especially since my jacket four-pack was warm, but I would NOT think it was funny at all. I'd call the cops immediately and press charges, even if it was the supermodel that I had just had a really deep "convo" with (Again, "convo" is short for conversation, which means sex in this instance). Wait a minute, what if the leather-clad dude was actually a stalker who broke into the woman's house to kidnap her and hold her hostage while he got tweaked on Schlitz's? Then it makes complete sense that she was in such a hurry and didn't hesitate to steal his motorcycle. She was probably on her way to alert the authorities that the creepy Schlitz Stalker, presumably what the newspapers would be calling him, was at her beach house trying to seduce her with his warm four pack of Schlitz. Oh well, I guess we'll never know. One last thought before I conclude this post—when you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer.
What did I learn from this video? Boston is still a kick ass band and the song "More than a Feeling" still rocks. I need to buy a motorcycle immediately. Aviator glasses will never go out of style. Ever. The bigger the frames the better, and if you can afford the mirrored kind, do it. The added expense will be worth it when you're about to seal the deal with a supermodel and she uses your avi's (that's cool-people talk for aviator sun glasses) to apply her lipstick in a seductive manner as she starts to invite you in for a "drink" (I hope everyone realizes that "drink" in this instance clearly means fornication). Don't ever second guess yourself when someone makes fun of you for wearing cowboy boots at the beach, their laughter is just jealousy coming out in spurts. Oh, and that uni-brow you've been over plucking for almost a decade? Stop, you don't need to anymore. Trust me, chick's find body hair sexy, especially excessive eyebrow hair.
A four pack of beer should always be kept close to ones person, like zipped in a leather jacket on a hot summer day to keep it...warm? Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. However, tying strings to your fan does because then you always know when it's on or off, instead of having to think about it. If furniture's not in use, cover it with white sheets because A.) it keeps the upholstery fresh and new, and B.) it makes for really cool forts at night.
OK the end of the video was a little confusing. If someone stole my sweet ass hog (that's cool-people talk for motorcycle) and left me a cold beer in exchange I'd appreciate the gesture, especially since my jacket four-pack was warm, but I would NOT think it was funny at all. I'd call the cops immediately and press charges, even if it was the supermodel that I had just had a really deep "convo" with (Again, "convo" is short for conversation, which means sex in this instance). Wait a minute, what if the leather-clad dude was actually a stalker who broke into the woman's house to kidnap her and hold her hostage while he got tweaked on Schlitz's? Then it makes complete sense that she was in such a hurry and didn't hesitate to steal his motorcycle. She was probably on her way to alert the authorities that the creepy Schlitz Stalker, presumably what the newspapers would be calling him, was at her beach house trying to seduce her with his warm four pack of Schlitz. Oh well, I guess we'll never know. One last thought before I conclude this post—when you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
I Heart Booze, Pizza, and Bryan Adams (Don't Judge Me)
Here are three things
you should know about me before you continue reading this post. 1. I
love Bryan Adams (hate on haters, his voice is like an angel with
emphysema and I don't care who knows it). 2. I love booze more than
Bryan Adams. 3. I love pizza as much, if not a smidgeon more than booze
(it's really too close to call).
I was checking my email when I received a notification from Twitter (my handle is @ScapeGoatInk, if you want to join the 80 other really cool people following me right now) that I had two new followers. The first follower was a throw away, which means they're presumably some fat foreign man who posts a picture of a whorish looking woman and uses a handle like, MzP3, which translates to Mz. Pretty Pink Pu...well, you get it, right? They try to get people to follow them so they can either hack your account, or sell you pornographic content. Well, kind sir, I have nothing but debt for you to steal and I'm not interested in seeing gay porn today. The second follow I received was @PizzaPersona. What?! Twitter, how did you know I had an unhealthy obsession with pizza? Did Bryan Adams tell you? Oh Bryan! This is how they describe themselves on Twitter: "New fast casual concept in Chicago! Completely customizable, personal pizzas and salads in minutes. Anything but 'just another pizza place.'" I was intrigued, so I started a full-on investigation, that is to say I visited their website.
According to Pizza Persona's website, "[We're] a fast-casual concept offering personal pizzas, salads, and calzones. Pizza Persona features a choose-your-own-ingredients ordering line in which customers pick their dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings and watch their food get prepared before their eyes. Pizzas and calzones go directly into the oven and are in our customers' hands within four minutes!" Now, personalizing pizza is nothing new. You can order any toppings you want on any size pizza at most pizza places, but what's unique about this joint is that you can choose your dough (three different options), your sauce (seven options), and your toppings, which range from traditional to outside the box. So basically they've taken Subway's "eat fresh" concept and pizzafied it. Suck on that Jared. By the way, Pizza Persona, if you're looking for a slightly chubby man with an unrivaled passion for pizza to be your spokesperson, call me.
Currently you can't place custom orders online, but that feature is coming soon. Until then, you'll have to do it the old fashion way by calling (773) 327-8500; or you can visit them at 614 W. Diversey Pkwy, Chicago, IL 60614. Their hours of operation are Sunday through Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Thursday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. If you stop in, tell 'em ScapeGoat Ink sent you. They have no idea who we are and it won't get you any freebies, specials, or discounts, but you'll feel like a rock star name dropping. Plus, when I eventually visit this fine establishment to do my official pizza review, I'll be able to tell them that I AM ScapeGoat Ink and maybe I'll get a free pizza, or a high five or something. If any of you have been to this establishment, please let me know what you thought.
I was checking my email when I received a notification from Twitter (my handle is @ScapeGoatInk, if you want to join the 80 other really cool people following me right now) that I had two new followers. The first follower was a throw away, which means they're presumably some fat foreign man who posts a picture of a whorish looking woman and uses a handle like, MzP3, which translates to Mz. Pretty Pink Pu...well, you get it, right? They try to get people to follow them so they can either hack your account, or sell you pornographic content. Well, kind sir, I have nothing but debt for you to steal and I'm not interested in seeing gay porn today. The second follow I received was @PizzaPersona. What?! Twitter, how did you know I had an unhealthy obsession with pizza? Did Bryan Adams tell you? Oh Bryan! This is how they describe themselves on Twitter: "New fast casual concept in Chicago! Completely customizable, personal pizzas and salads in minutes. Anything but 'just another pizza place.'" I was intrigued, so I started a full-on investigation, that is to say I visited their website.
According to Pizza Persona's website, "[We're] a fast-casual concept offering personal pizzas, salads, and calzones. Pizza Persona features a choose-your-own-ingredients ordering line in which customers pick their dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings and watch their food get prepared before their eyes. Pizzas and calzones go directly into the oven and are in our customers' hands within four minutes!" Now, personalizing pizza is nothing new. You can order any toppings you want on any size pizza at most pizza places, but what's unique about this joint is that you can choose your dough (three different options), your sauce (seven options), and your toppings, which range from traditional to outside the box. So basically they've taken Subway's "eat fresh" concept and pizzafied it. Suck on that Jared. By the way, Pizza Persona, if you're looking for a slightly chubby man with an unrivaled passion for pizza to be your spokesperson, call me.
Currently you can't place custom orders online, but that feature is coming soon. Until then, you'll have to do it the old fashion way by calling (773) 327-8500; or you can visit them at 614 W. Diversey Pkwy, Chicago, IL 60614. Their hours of operation are Sunday through Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Thursday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. If you stop in, tell 'em ScapeGoat Ink sent you. They have no idea who we are and it won't get you any freebies, specials, or discounts, but you'll feel like a rock star name dropping. Plus, when I eventually visit this fine establishment to do my official pizza review, I'll be able to tell them that I AM ScapeGoat Ink and maybe I'll get a free pizza, or a high five or something. If any of you have been to this establishment, please let me know what you thought.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
I Review "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship" Slideshow
I had an entirely different post planned for today, but I had to switch gears at the last minute because I found another alcohol-related article on the Xfinity news feed claiming some absurdities that needed addressing. If you missed my previous article review of "10 Hangover Remedies: What Work's?" you can read it here. Today's article, "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status," is actually a slideshow from TheDailyMeal.com. The author's name is again conveniently missing, so I've created a name for the person down below. I've omitted the oversize pictures and included just the writing; my response can be found below each entry.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
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Heated Dog Bowl: Good Invention or Bad?
Since January finally decided to start acting like a winter month instead of prancing around disguised as a spring month, alcoholic girlfriend and I had to head to Menard's to pick up some winter-related tools. We had plans to run in, grab what we needed, and then run right back out so we could be productive and do some more errands on the never-ending list. That plan was a failure before it even began. AG learned a very valuable lesson today about me and hardware stores. I'm an overgrown child and I must look and touch EVERYTHING.
I'm not handy by any means, nor do I have any misconceptions that I am. I can fix very basic things, like changing a light bulb, but other than that I'm accident prone, clumsy, and I generally damage things far more than I fix them. However, when it comes to hardware stores, there is something deeply ingrained in my genetic makeup that makes me want to spend all day looking at power tools and other manly stuff that I have no intention of ever using. Let me be clear, I'm not some creepy weirdo who hangs out at hardware stores on a daily basis "touching" stuff. When I need something specific, I must pick up, touch, assess, smell, and sometimes even taste (note to self: steel wool tastes itchy) anything that I can get my hands on. It's a problem.
AG had plans of going to other stores after Menard's, which I thought was adorable because there is no way in hell I was going anywhere without riding on a riding lawnmower (Its name was taunting me. How could I NOT try to ride it in the store?). Here's my hardware store plan of attack: go down every aisle looking for stuff I don't know I need...yet. Well, needless to say, our trip turned into a long one and our cart was overflowing with amazing finds that I convinced AG that we desperately needed (She'll appreciate the oversize beanbag chair and the 40-foot ladder someday). It was expensive and it was too late to run our other errands. Shocking, I know. While I was in the pet aisle (we do not have a pet) I found something strange that caught my eye. It was a heated dog food bowl.
After I saw this, I had so many questions whirling around in my head, which I unfortunately unleashed on AG in the car ride home: Why does a dog need a heated bowl? Isn't having a food bowl with a plug, presumably next to a water bowl, I don't know, kind of dangerous? I was taught at a young age that putting something with a plug in water is a bad idea, so wouldn't putting water into something that plugs in still apply? I'm assuming this is for outdoor use, unless this is geared toward batshit crazy people who think their dog deserves a warm meal, or hot water. If it's for cold weather so that the animals food/water doesn't freeze, don't you think it might be too cold for their dog too? Since when do snow and plugs go well together? Can we stop and get ice cream? I understand that some owners don't let their dogs inside their homes, but even that's a little weird, right? Are you sure we can't stop for a snow cone or something? It seems kind of pointless to have a companion that's not allowed in your house, you know? It'd be like me having my grandma come stay with us, but not allowing her in the house because I don't want her to make a mess. Imagine that conversation, "Hey, Grandma, I love you, but you can't come inside, so stop scratching on the door please. Listen, if you're not housebroken at 93, then it's not gonna happen. Whoa, don't give me that look. Here, want a piece of ribbon candy? I know how much you love ribbon candy. Good girl, now go lay down."
It was after about 10 minutes of random questions tumbling forth from my mouth that I realized AG was no longer listening, if she'd been listening at all, so I finally stopped. I was hoping the sudden silence would encourage her to stop for ice cream, but it apparently didn't play out the way I had hope. Oh well, maybe tomorrow we can get some after the hardware store. Hmm, what can I break tonight?
I'm not handy by any means, nor do I have any misconceptions that I am. I can fix very basic things, like changing a light bulb, but other than that I'm accident prone, clumsy, and I generally damage things far more than I fix them. However, when it comes to hardware stores, there is something deeply ingrained in my genetic makeup that makes me want to spend all day looking at power tools and other manly stuff that I have no intention of ever using. Let me be clear, I'm not some creepy weirdo who hangs out at hardware stores on a daily basis "touching" stuff. When I need something specific, I must pick up, touch, assess, smell, and sometimes even taste (note to self: steel wool tastes itchy) anything that I can get my hands on. It's a problem.
AG had plans of going to other stores after Menard's, which I thought was adorable because there is no way in hell I was going anywhere without riding on a riding lawnmower (Its name was taunting me. How could I NOT try to ride it in the store?). Here's my hardware store plan of attack: go down every aisle looking for stuff I don't know I need...yet. Well, needless to say, our trip turned into a long one and our cart was overflowing with amazing finds that I convinced AG that we desperately needed (She'll appreciate the oversize beanbag chair and the 40-foot ladder someday). It was expensive and it was too late to run our other errands. Shocking, I know. While I was in the pet aisle (we do not have a pet) I found something strange that caught my eye. It was a heated dog food bowl.
After I saw this, I had so many questions whirling around in my head, which I unfortunately unleashed on AG in the car ride home: Why does a dog need a heated bowl? Isn't having a food bowl with a plug, presumably next to a water bowl, I don't know, kind of dangerous? I was taught at a young age that putting something with a plug in water is a bad idea, so wouldn't putting water into something that plugs in still apply? I'm assuming this is for outdoor use, unless this is geared toward batshit crazy people who think their dog deserves a warm meal, or hot water. If it's for cold weather so that the animals food/water doesn't freeze, don't you think it might be too cold for their dog too? Since when do snow and plugs go well together? Can we stop and get ice cream? I understand that some owners don't let their dogs inside their homes, but even that's a little weird, right? Are you sure we can't stop for a snow cone or something? It seems kind of pointless to have a companion that's not allowed in your house, you know? It'd be like me having my grandma come stay with us, but not allowing her in the house because I don't want her to make a mess. Imagine that conversation, "Hey, Grandma, I love you, but you can't come inside, so stop scratching on the door please. Listen, if you're not housebroken at 93, then it's not gonna happen. Whoa, don't give me that look. Here, want a piece of ribbon candy? I know how much you love ribbon candy. Good girl, now go lay down."
It was after about 10 minutes of random questions tumbling forth from my mouth that I realized AG was no longer listening, if she'd been listening at all, so I finally stopped. I was hoping the sudden silence would encourage her to stop for ice cream, but it apparently didn't play out the way I had hope. Oh well, maybe tomorrow we can get some after the hardware store. Hmm, what can I break tonight?
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Shit Girls Say--Hilarious or Offensive?
It's said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. If that's the case than Toronto comics, Graydon Sheppard and Kyle Humphrey, creators of Shit Girls Say, are getting an overwhelming dose. What initially started as a Twitter feed last April, and eventually turned into a three YouTube video series, has exploded into internet gold, which in turn has opened the door for copycat after copycat trying to attain the same level of success with their spin offs of Shit (insert gender/job title/ethnicity/etc.) Say.
It's true, comedy is subjective, and with success comes haters. So while some people have found the series funny, others have found it offensive. The media has covered both ends of the spectrum with fans showing their support for the duo, while others are staging a rebellion and requesting people boycott their Twitter and YouTube feed. The only problem is that due to Sheppard and Humphrey's immense popularity, even if you prevent people from supporting them, there are still hundreds and thousands of newbie's doing spin offs daily. I, personally, find it absolutely hilarious. No, I'm not a misogynist, nor am I against women's equality or women's rights (women driving, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding...sort of). I find it funny because I can totally relate to it. I've met dozens of women who say the exact stuff that they're pointing out and poking fun at. I'm no scientist, but as a scientist I'd venture to say that 90 percent of women have said at least one of the lines at some point in their lives.
Well, I'm not here to preach or to change anyone's opinion. I find the duo funny, which is why I included the first episode, of three, below. You can be the judge for yourself. Also, in case you want to see the series in its entirety, click here and here for episodes two and three, respectively.
I'm curious to see what my readers think. Do you find this funny or offensive? Leave me a comment below in the comment section, or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com. I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say.
It's true, comedy is subjective, and with success comes haters. So while some people have found the series funny, others have found it offensive. The media has covered both ends of the spectrum with fans showing their support for the duo, while others are staging a rebellion and requesting people boycott their Twitter and YouTube feed. The only problem is that due to Sheppard and Humphrey's immense popularity, even if you prevent people from supporting them, there are still hundreds and thousands of newbie's doing spin offs daily. I, personally, find it absolutely hilarious. No, I'm not a misogynist, nor am I against women's equality or women's rights (women driving, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding...sort of). I find it funny because I can totally relate to it. I've met dozens of women who say the exact stuff that they're pointing out and poking fun at. I'm no scientist, but as a scientist I'd venture to say that 90 percent of women have said at least one of the lines at some point in their lives.
Well, I'm not here to preach or to change anyone's opinion. I find the duo funny, which is why I included the first episode, of three, below. You can be the judge for yourself. Also, in case you want to see the series in its entirety, click here and here for episodes two and three, respectively.
I'm curious to see what my readers think. Do you find this funny or offensive? Leave me a comment below in the comment section, or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com. I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say.
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Strength for Hope Foundation Hosts Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament
This blog primarily deals with alcohol-related content; however, we occasionally take a step off the drunken path to bring attention to a cause or an event that helps others or improves our community. My cousin, Mari McNally, is the events coordinator with the Strength for Hope Foundation, which is a newly formed, non-profit organization that seeks help for patients in need of rehabilitative care through the help of grants. Mari mentioned the organization was planning a charity event featuring a Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament, which sounds like a fun way to get involved and help a good cause.
First, let me tell you a little bit about the organization. According to Strength for Hope's website, "The mission of [our] Foundation is to give those who have no insurance coverage an opportunity to receive optimal rehabilitative health care when no other means exist. Instead of allowing a disadvantaged patient to deteriorate while awaiting approval for rehabilitation, our Foundation seeks to provide financial assistance by giving patients with limited monetary means an opportunity to seek rehabilitative health care at facilities that are capable of providing the most advanced care possible, thus providing them Strength for Hope."
The Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament is Saturday, February 18, from 6 p.m. to midnight at the Double Tree Hotel, 500 W. 127th St., Alsip, IL. There will be the main poker tournament, as well as several side tables so everyone has an opportunity to play and win. There are prizes available, including a $500 Visa gift card, and even if you don't win at least you're supporting a good cause. To register for this event, click here.
In addition to the scheduled poker tournament in February, Strength for Hope Foundation is currently in the process of organizing a 5k race for April, a charity date auction for June, and a charity softball tournament for fall 2012. To get more information about these events and the Strength for Hope Foundation, visit the website here. Also, they have a Facebook page, which you can access here.
First, let me tell you a little bit about the organization. According to Strength for Hope's website, "The mission of [our] Foundation is to give those who have no insurance coverage an opportunity to receive optimal rehabilitative health care when no other means exist. Instead of allowing a disadvantaged patient to deteriorate while awaiting approval for rehabilitation, our Foundation seeks to provide financial assistance by giving patients with limited monetary means an opportunity to seek rehabilitative health care at facilities that are capable of providing the most advanced care possible, thus providing them Strength for Hope."
The Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament is Saturday, February 18, from 6 p.m. to midnight at the Double Tree Hotel, 500 W. 127th St., Alsip, IL. There will be the main poker tournament, as well as several side tables so everyone has an opportunity to play and win. There are prizes available, including a $500 Visa gift card, and even if you don't win at least you're supporting a good cause. To register for this event, click here.
In addition to the scheduled poker tournament in February, Strength for Hope Foundation is currently in the process of organizing a 5k race for April, a charity date auction for June, and a charity softball tournament for fall 2012. To get more information about these events and the Strength for Hope Foundation, visit the website here. Also, they have a Facebook page, which you can access here.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
ScapeGoat Ink Don't Drink That!: Mulled Wine Edition
Over the holiday's I was looking for some weird booze to drink for the ScapeGoat Ink Don't Drink That! segment when I stumbled across a peculiar-looking bottle of wine at ALDI. I realize that there are several questionable things mentioned in that last statement, but alas it is true that ALDI does in fact have a wine selection, and yes, I was looking at it. One particular wine jumped out at me because the label was brightly colored and it was written in German. I flipped it over, like a seasoned used car salesman, hoping to unveil the particular type of contents in this mysterious bottle. What I discovered was quite the treat.
A few month's ago I stopped over at my parent's house to visit and, at my mom's urging, we had a glass of red wine that had been placed in the refrigerator. Yada, yada, my mom microwaved the wine—read about the entire red wine debacle here—and since then it's become a running joke in my family. Well, the bottle of wine that I picked up was German mulled wine, not to be mistaken with "mold" wine, which is just plain gross. This happened to be the perfect wine for the season because according to the label, mulled wine is typically served warm. I thought it only appropriate to bring my newly purchased bottle over to my parent's house to share with my mom, the wine-microwaver.
During the mulled wine tasting I recorded the on-going comments throughout the drinking session. I was going to compose the content into paragraph form, but at my Dad's suggestion, I've kept all the original notes intact, so what you're about to read is the raw, unedited version.
The main players are AG: alcoholic girlfriend; SG: me; D: my Dad; and, M: my mom.
First impressions
Of course, being the rookie wine snobs that we are we were in such a hurry to taste this delicious, bloody looking wine that we forgot to decant it. In an attempt to expedite the aeration of the wine we three vigorously swirled our glasses to release more flavors. What we got was unpleasant to say the least.
First whiff
AG: It smells like cheap perfume.
M: It smells like a whore died in the alley.
SG: It's like someone farted on a fruit cake.
First sip
AG: It's confusing. It tastes like potpourri. I think I need a shot.
M: Yuck. Roll it around on your tongue, it makes it taste even worse; it's like licking an alley.
SG: It leaves a weird film in my mouth, kind of the way a hooker does, er, would.
After 30-seconds in the microwave
(It was too hot to drink, so we let it sit for a moment, which made it smell worse.)
First whiff
AG: I feel like we're slowly poisoning ourselves.
M: Oh, the smell (shudder)! I shouldn't have put my whole face in it.
SG: It burns my nose holes.
First sip
M: Ow!
AG: That's not good. It's so bad it burns my eyes. It's like bad sangria, only hot.
SG: Yuck. I never thought I'd say this, but the microwaved red wine tasted better.
After one sip the ladies switched over to good wine, which was anything other than mulled wine. I, on the other hand, made the decision to power through and finish what I'd started, or at least the glass that was in front of me. As usual, my decision would prove to be a poor one. On a side note, I truly do think a hooker farts in every bottle of mulled wine before it's sealed and shipped to the masses. By "masses" I mean ALDI customers.
Eventually, my dad arrived home after a long days work to find three assholes in the kitchen stinking the joint up while making a mess with a bottle of mulled wine. It was obvious by the perplexed look on his face that he wanted in. At least that's what I told myself as I poured him a heaping glass of unpleasantness.
Dad's First Impressions
Is that ink or wine? It smells like office supplies.
(Only an accountant would equate hooker juice with office supplies.)
First whiff
D: This doesn't smell like wine. It smells like vomit or stomach acid. It's like someone just had bad wine and barfed.
First sip
D: It's like Welch's grape juice. Hmm, it's an enigma. You could pair that wine with popcorn or liverwurst; probably a nice liverwurst sandwich.
After 24 seconds in microwave
(We learned that 30 seconds was 6 seconds too long)
First whiff
SG: It smells slightly better than the first time.
D: Yeah, but it smells like it's burnt.
First sip
D: It tastes a little tart and flat.
SG: Heating it up didn't help.
After tasting it we decided that maybe the microwave was what was ruining the wine. What was our great idea? We'll warm it up in a pot on the stove—genius.
Wine warmed on the stove
D: Which way should I stir it? Counterclockwise or clockwise? I don't want to destroy the integrity of this fine wine.
SG: I think it's melting the spoon.
Final sips
D: Maybe I've had too much, but it doesn't taste that bad anymore.
SG: Yeah, I'd agree. It's definitely not good, but it's not THAT bad.
A: No. It's bad.
AG: I never want that again. EVER.
Random Quote of the evening
D: Bing Crosby couldn't sing. Bob Hope was the brains behind that operation.
Let's just assume that's the mulled wine talking.
After our tasting, my dad and I tried to enjoy a couple of beers afterward, but it appears that due to an odd film left in our mouths from the wine that our taste buds were destroyed. Not even a couple of robust Magic Hat Howl dark lagers could overpower the tainted taste left in our mouths. Thanks for the nightmares, mulled wine!
A few month's ago I stopped over at my parent's house to visit and, at my mom's urging, we had a glass of red wine that had been placed in the refrigerator. Yada, yada, my mom microwaved the wine—read about the entire red wine debacle here—and since then it's become a running joke in my family. Well, the bottle of wine that I picked up was German mulled wine, not to be mistaken with "mold" wine, which is just plain gross. This happened to be the perfect wine for the season because according to the label, mulled wine is typically served warm. I thought it only appropriate to bring my newly purchased bottle over to my parent's house to share with my mom, the wine-microwaver.
During the mulled wine tasting I recorded the on-going comments throughout the drinking session. I was going to compose the content into paragraph form, but at my Dad's suggestion, I've kept all the original notes intact, so what you're about to read is the raw, unedited version.
Back Label
Christengel Glühwein—mulled wine
Style: mild
Taste: sweet
Notes: Aromas and flavors of red fruit and spice with hints of orange
Food: A natural fit for holiday gatherings, cakes and stollen (German's take on the fruit cake)
Origin: Hell. Just kidding, it's a product of Germany
The main players are AG: alcoholic girlfriend; SG: me; D: my Dad; and, M: my mom.
First impressions
Of course, being the rookie wine snobs that we are we were in such a hurry to taste this delicious, bloody looking wine that we forgot to decant it. In an attempt to expedite the aeration of the wine we three vigorously swirled our glasses to release more flavors. What we got was unpleasant to say the least.
First whiff
AG: It smells like cheap perfume.
M: It smells like a whore died in the alley.
SG: It's like someone farted on a fruit cake.
First sip
AG: It's confusing. It tastes like potpourri. I think I need a shot.
M: Yuck. Roll it around on your tongue, it makes it taste even worse; it's like licking an alley.
SG: It leaves a weird film in my mouth, kind of the way a hooker does, er, would.
After 30-seconds in the microwave
(It was too hot to drink, so we let it sit for a moment, which made it smell worse.)
First whiff
AG: I feel like we're slowly poisoning ourselves.
M: Oh, the smell (shudder)! I shouldn't have put my whole face in it.
SG: It burns my nose holes.
First sip
M: Ow!
AG: That's not good. It's so bad it burns my eyes. It's like bad sangria, only hot.
SG: Yuck. I never thought I'd say this, but the microwaved red wine tasted better.
After one sip the ladies switched over to good wine, which was anything other than mulled wine. I, on the other hand, made the decision to power through and finish what I'd started, or at least the glass that was in front of me. As usual, my decision would prove to be a poor one. On a side note, I truly do think a hooker farts in every bottle of mulled wine before it's sealed and shipped to the masses. By "masses" I mean ALDI customers.
Eventually, my dad arrived home after a long days work to find three assholes in the kitchen stinking the joint up while making a mess with a bottle of mulled wine. It was obvious by the perplexed look on his face that he wanted in. At least that's what I told myself as I poured him a heaping glass of unpleasantness.
Dad's First Impressions
Is that ink or wine? It smells like office supplies.
(Only an accountant would equate hooker juice with office supplies.)
First whiff
D: This doesn't smell like wine. It smells like vomit or stomach acid. It's like someone just had bad wine and barfed.
First sip
D: It's like Welch's grape juice. Hmm, it's an enigma. You could pair that wine with popcorn or liverwurst; probably a nice liverwurst sandwich.
After 24 seconds in microwave
(We learned that 30 seconds was 6 seconds too long)
First whiff
SG: It smells slightly better than the first time.
D: Yeah, but it smells like it's burnt.
First sip
D: It tastes a little tart and flat.
SG: Heating it up didn't help.
After tasting it we decided that maybe the microwave was what was ruining the wine. What was our great idea? We'll warm it up in a pot on the stove—genius.
Wine warmed on the stove
D: Which way should I stir it? Counterclockwise or clockwise? I don't want to destroy the integrity of this fine wine.
SG: I think it's melting the spoon.
Final sips
D: Maybe I've had too much, but it doesn't taste that bad anymore.
SG: Yeah, I'd agree. It's definitely not good, but it's not THAT bad.
A: No. It's bad.
AG: I never want that again. EVER.
Random Quote of the evening
D: Bing Crosby couldn't sing. Bob Hope was the brains behind that operation.
Let's just assume that's the mulled wine talking.
After our tasting, my dad and I tried to enjoy a couple of beers afterward, but it appears that due to an odd film left in our mouths from the wine that our taste buds were destroyed. Not even a couple of robust Magic Hat Howl dark lagers could overpower the tainted taste left in our mouths. Thanks for the nightmares, mulled wine!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy 60 Day's Until St. Patrick's Day!
As far as drinking is concerned, Cinco de Mayo has its moments and, well, Oktoberfest captures the drinking spirit—those Germans know how to party,
just ask David Hasselhoff—but I prefer St. Patrick's Day above all else. It's a holiday that unites drunks. No matter what your background is, as long as you can drink you're more than welcome to enjoy in all the festivities. Since I'm truly elated about St. Patrick's Day, I've decided to start the official countdown to THE greatest drinking holiday ever. Today officially marks 60 days until we drink until we're green (refer to hilarious shirt below), which gives us around two months to prepare our livers for the alcoholic onslaught that will surely ensue. Plus, this year St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday, which means we'll not only get to celebrate on the day of, instead of the weekend before, but we'll also have Sunday to help with the recovery, which is much appreciated.
Over the next 60 days, in addition to keeping regular posts about trying to create sexy evenings with ChocoVine, refuting poorly written hangover cures, or reviewing a beer while dropping a little history (read about each post here, here, and here, respectively) I'm going to spend the countdown trying to keep my readers informed on hangover tips, St. Patrick's Day traditions, where to drink, and I'll help you choose appropriate attire for those who are Irish and for those who are not. Here's to making this holiday one for the history books. Ladies and gentlemen, start preparing those livers!
Over the next 60 days, in addition to keeping regular posts about trying to create sexy evenings with ChocoVine, refuting poorly written hangover cures, or reviewing a beer while dropping a little history (read about each post here, here, and here, respectively) I'm going to spend the countdown trying to keep my readers informed on hangover tips, St. Patrick's Day traditions, where to drink, and I'll help you choose appropriate attire for those who are Irish and for those who are not. Here's to making this holiday one for the history books. Ladies and gentlemen, start preparing those livers!
This shirt is perfect for someone who is Irish or someone who's a pervert (guilty). Wear this on St. Patrick's Day and then let your eyes and this shirt do the talking...or, soliciting. If nothing more, it's a hilarious ice breaker. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
When These Irish Eyes Are Smiling,
They're picturing you naked
So everyone knows that we're serious when we say St. Paddy's Day is a holiday for the masses, not just drunken Irish folk, we're offering this t-shirt, which oozes confidence and makes a statement: I might not be Irish, but I can still party. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
They're picturing you naked
So everyone knows that we're serious when we say St. Paddy's Day is a holiday for the masses, not just drunken Irish folk, we're offering this t-shirt, which oozes confidence and makes a statement: I might not be Irish, but I can still party. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
You don't have to be Irish
to drink until you're GREEN!
to drink until you're GREEN!
If you haven't already, click here and show us some love on our Facebook fan page by "liking" us and dropping us a line. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Vote Glenda Okones for Mayor of Glen Falls 2012
Listen, I don't like to wave my political flag around too much, especially since this blog was created as a social drinking hub, where we can all get together and share a few virtual pints with each other. I've spent many a nights fantasizing about what this blog might turn into one day. Perhaps, if I find time, I'll eventually write a cool little jingle that will precede each post. Nothing too deep, just a lighthearted ditty about escaping troubles to an establishment where everyone seems to know your name. Maybe in a few years some of you will form a really close bond with me and, jokingly, we'll come up with nicknames for one another. I don't know something crazy, like Sam Malone, and then eventually just plain Sammy. Of course, once I'm given a nickname, I'd be obligated to dish out a few of my own. Perhaps for my best "customer" I'll reserve a special nickname, like Regular or Norm or something. I'd pour everyone a pint on the house, and then we'd all raise our glasses and yell, Cheers!
Now back to my political rant. My vote for the 2012 Mayor of Glen Falls is going to Glenda Okones. It's not everyday that a candidate as special as Okones comes along and has the gumption to really shake things up. She's not offering fake promises in exchange for your support. She's attacking this campaign like a crazy, rabid wolverine and it's that kind of spunk that really makes me believe in her. She's the first, and presumably only, candidate ballsy enough to attack before her rivals do. But, instead of attacking them, she's unleashing her fury...on herself. If you're still unsure who Okones really is as a candidate, I've recopied a statement from the Glen Falls Times made by political analyst, Clive Wangerfield: "Glenda Okones is flawed. She's harsh, she's cold and the "B"-word has even been thrown around too. She has a natural frowny face, not naturally ugly, but severe looking. A lot of people say she's a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life and it's going to remind her of a better story from HER life. So she's just going to start talking louder than you and hope that you give up and stop talking all together. She believes it's OK to push people. There you go, now it's all out there. If you're looking for a cute Mayor who listens to you, Glenda is not your candidate. If you're OK with this, vote Okones."
Ah, now that's refreshing. If voters out there still aren't convinced that she's the right woman for the job, I've also attached two more of her attack campaigns. Do the right thing, throw your support behind this wily woman, and vote Okones. This message has been approved by ScapeGoat Ink.
Now back to my political rant. My vote for the 2012 Mayor of Glen Falls is going to Glenda Okones. It's not everyday that a candidate as special as Okones comes along and has the gumption to really shake things up. She's not offering fake promises in exchange for your support. She's attacking this campaign like a crazy, rabid wolverine and it's that kind of spunk that really makes me believe in her. She's the first, and presumably only, candidate ballsy enough to attack before her rivals do. But, instead of attacking them, she's unleashing her fury...on herself. If you're still unsure who Okones really is as a candidate, I've recopied a statement from the Glen Falls Times made by political analyst, Clive Wangerfield: "Glenda Okones is flawed. She's harsh, she's cold and the "B"-word has even been thrown around too. She has a natural frowny face, not naturally ugly, but severe looking. A lot of people say she's a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life and it's going to remind her of a better story from HER life. So she's just going to start talking louder than you and hope that you give up and stop talking all together. She believes it's OK to push people. There you go, now it's all out there. If you're looking for a cute Mayor who listens to you, Glenda is not your candidate. If you're OK with this, vote Okones."
Ah, now that's refreshing. If voters out there still aren't convinced that she's the right woman for the job, I've also attached two more of her attack campaigns. Do the right thing, throw your support behind this wily woman, and vote Okones. This message has been approved by ScapeGoat Ink.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.