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Happy 50 Days Until St. Patrick's Day!
The weekend is finally here, and I don't know if you've gathered this from my previous post (read it here), but I truly love St. Patrick's Day. I started my countdown 60 days out and I intend to keep counting down until the greatest drinking holiday arrives. Then I plan on getting tweaked on green beer all night long and starting the countdown the very next day. Of course, after I've tended to my hangover.
In addition to counting down until St. Paddy's Day I've decided to do another FREE t-shirt contest. That's right folks; get ready to win some FREE schwag. Before New Year's Day we were able to exceed our goal of 100 "likes" on our Facebook fan page in only two weeks. Now, I'm hoping to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, which gives us a little over a month and a half to reach our goal. I have faith in all of you, so please spread the word far and wide. As usual, anyone who has already "liked" our fan page is automatically entered in the drawing to win. Please help us reach our goal by clicking here and "liking" us on Facebook. If you can't wait for the contest, you can always purchase a number of hilarious t-shirts from our store. Below, you'll find additions from our St. Paddy's Day line.
In addition to counting down until St. Paddy's Day I've decided to do another FREE t-shirt contest. That's right folks; get ready to win some FREE schwag. Before New Year's Day we were able to exceed our goal of 100 "likes" on our Facebook fan page in only two weeks. Now, I'm hoping to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, which gives us a little over a month and a half to reach our goal. I have faith in all of you, so please spread the word far and wide. As usual, anyone who has already "liked" our fan page is automatically entered in the drawing to win. Please help us reach our goal by clicking here and "liking" us on Facebook. If you can't wait for the contest, you can always purchase a number of hilarious t-shirts from our store. Below, you'll find additions from our St. Paddy's Day line.
We celebrate anything and everything—from holidays and weekends to happy hour and great minutes in the day. If there is a reason to drink, we'll be there. If you want to join the party, click on the t-shirt below.
I observe any holiday
that celebrates with alcohol.
The term "Going Green" was originally coined by an Irishmen by the name of Paddy O'Shea and it had nothing to do with the environment. Click on the t-shirt below to show your pride.
I was Green before
"eco-friendly" was a word.
I observe any holiday
that celebrates with alcohol.
The term "Going Green" was originally coined by an Irishmen by the name of Paddy O'Shea and it had nothing to do with the environment. Click on the t-shirt below to show your pride.
I was Green before
"eco-friendly" was a word.
If you haven't already, click here
and show us some love on Facebook. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We
look forward to hearing from you!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Classic Beer Commercial #1: Schlitz
Remember how cool beer commercials used to be? Well, this week I'm trying out a new feature where I track down some classic beer commercials from back in the day, I assure you I'll only select the highest of quality, and put them back in the spotlight where they belong. This week, it's Schlitz's time to shine. I found this 90s gem among a handful of other quality beer commercials, but it stuck out because it's just so damn cool. Everything about it screams cool. Sorry PETA, but it's a fact that every time this video clip is viewed, a bald eagle bursts into flames. Enjoy!
A four pack of beer should always be kept close to ones person, like zipped in a leather jacket on a hot summer day to keep it...warm? Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. However, tying strings to your fan does because then you always know when it's on or off, instead of having to think about it. If furniture's not in use, cover it with white sheets because A.) it keeps the upholstery fresh and new, and B.) it makes for really cool forts at night.
OK the end of the video was a little confusing. If someone stole my sweet ass hog (that's cool-people talk for motorcycle) and left me a cold beer in exchange I'd appreciate the gesture, especially since my jacket four-pack was warm, but I would NOT think it was funny at all. I'd call the cops immediately and press charges, even if it was the supermodel that I had just had a really deep "convo" with (Again, "convo" is short for conversation, which means sex in this instance). Wait a minute, what if the leather-clad dude was actually a stalker who broke into the woman's house to kidnap her and hold her hostage while he got tweaked on Schlitz's? Then it makes complete sense that she was in such a hurry and didn't hesitate to steal his motorcycle. She was probably on her way to alert the authorities that the creepy Schlitz Stalker, presumably what the newspapers would be calling him, was at her beach house trying to seduce her with his warm four pack of Schlitz. Oh well, I guess we'll never know. One last thought before I conclude this post—when you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer.
What did I learn from this video? Boston is still a kick ass band and the song "More than a Feeling" still rocks. I need to buy a motorcycle immediately. Aviator glasses will never go out of style. Ever. The bigger the frames the better, and if you can afford the mirrored kind, do it. The added expense will be worth it when you're about to seal the deal with a supermodel and she uses your avi's (that's cool-people talk for aviator sun glasses) to apply her lipstick in a seductive manner as she starts to invite you in for a "drink" (I hope everyone realizes that "drink" in this instance clearly means fornication). Don't ever second guess yourself when someone makes fun of you for wearing cowboy boots at the beach, their laughter is just jealousy coming out in spurts. Oh, and that uni-brow you've been over plucking for almost a decade? Stop, you don't need to anymore. Trust me, chick's find body hair sexy, especially excessive eyebrow hair.
A four pack of beer should always be kept close to ones person, like zipped in a leather jacket on a hot summer day to keep it...warm? Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. However, tying strings to your fan does because then you always know when it's on or off, instead of having to think about it. If furniture's not in use, cover it with white sheets because A.) it keeps the upholstery fresh and new, and B.) it makes for really cool forts at night.
OK the end of the video was a little confusing. If someone stole my sweet ass hog (that's cool-people talk for motorcycle) and left me a cold beer in exchange I'd appreciate the gesture, especially since my jacket four-pack was warm, but I would NOT think it was funny at all. I'd call the cops immediately and press charges, even if it was the supermodel that I had just had a really deep "convo" with (Again, "convo" is short for conversation, which means sex in this instance). Wait a minute, what if the leather-clad dude was actually a stalker who broke into the woman's house to kidnap her and hold her hostage while he got tweaked on Schlitz's? Then it makes complete sense that she was in such a hurry and didn't hesitate to steal his motorcycle. She was probably on her way to alert the authorities that the creepy Schlitz Stalker, presumably what the newspapers would be calling him, was at her beach house trying to seduce her with his warm four pack of Schlitz. Oh well, I guess we'll never know. One last thought before I conclude this post—when you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
I Heart Booze, Pizza, and Bryan Adams (Don't Judge Me)
Here are three things
you should know about me before you continue reading this post. 1. I
love Bryan Adams (hate on haters, his voice is like an angel with
emphysema and I don't care who knows it). 2. I love booze more than
Bryan Adams. 3. I love pizza as much, if not a smidgeon more than booze
(it's really too close to call).
I was checking my email when I received a notification from Twitter (my handle is @ScapeGoatInk, if you want to join the 80 other really cool people following me right now) that I had two new followers. The first follower was a throw away, which means they're presumably some fat foreign man who posts a picture of a whorish looking woman and uses a handle like, MzP3, which translates to Mz. Pretty Pink Pu...well, you get it, right? They try to get people to follow them so they can either hack your account, or sell you pornographic content. Well, kind sir, I have nothing but debt for you to steal and I'm not interested in seeing gay porn today. The second follow I received was @PizzaPersona. What?! Twitter, how did you know I had an unhealthy obsession with pizza? Did Bryan Adams tell you? Oh Bryan! This is how they describe themselves on Twitter: "New fast casual concept in Chicago! Completely customizable, personal pizzas and salads in minutes. Anything but 'just another pizza place.'" I was intrigued, so I started a full-on investigation, that is to say I visited their website.
According to Pizza Persona's website, "[We're] a fast-casual concept offering personal pizzas, salads, and calzones. Pizza Persona features a choose-your-own-ingredients ordering line in which customers pick their dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings and watch their food get prepared before their eyes. Pizzas and calzones go directly into the oven and are in our customers' hands within four minutes!" Now, personalizing pizza is nothing new. You can order any toppings you want on any size pizza at most pizza places, but what's unique about this joint is that you can choose your dough (three different options), your sauce (seven options), and your toppings, which range from traditional to outside the box. So basically they've taken Subway's "eat fresh" concept and pizzafied it. Suck on that Jared. By the way, Pizza Persona, if you're looking for a slightly chubby man with an unrivaled passion for pizza to be your spokesperson, call me.
Currently you can't place custom orders online, but that feature is coming soon. Until then, you'll have to do it the old fashion way by calling (773) 327-8500; or you can visit them at 614 W. Diversey Pkwy, Chicago, IL 60614. Their hours of operation are Sunday through Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Thursday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. If you stop in, tell 'em ScapeGoat Ink sent you. They have no idea who we are and it won't get you any freebies, specials, or discounts, but you'll feel like a rock star name dropping. Plus, when I eventually visit this fine establishment to do my official pizza review, I'll be able to tell them that I AM ScapeGoat Ink and maybe I'll get a free pizza, or a high five or something. If any of you have been to this establishment, please let me know what you thought.
I was checking my email when I received a notification from Twitter (my handle is @ScapeGoatInk, if you want to join the 80 other really cool people following me right now) that I had two new followers. The first follower was a throw away, which means they're presumably some fat foreign man who posts a picture of a whorish looking woman and uses a handle like, MzP3, which translates to Mz. Pretty Pink Pu...well, you get it, right? They try to get people to follow them so they can either hack your account, or sell you pornographic content. Well, kind sir, I have nothing but debt for you to steal and I'm not interested in seeing gay porn today. The second follow I received was @PizzaPersona. What?! Twitter, how did you know I had an unhealthy obsession with pizza? Did Bryan Adams tell you? Oh Bryan! This is how they describe themselves on Twitter: "New fast casual concept in Chicago! Completely customizable, personal pizzas and salads in minutes. Anything but 'just another pizza place.'" I was intrigued, so I started a full-on investigation, that is to say I visited their website.
According to Pizza Persona's website, "[We're] a fast-casual concept offering personal pizzas, salads, and calzones. Pizza Persona features a choose-your-own-ingredients ordering line in which customers pick their dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings and watch their food get prepared before their eyes. Pizzas and calzones go directly into the oven and are in our customers' hands within four minutes!" Now, personalizing pizza is nothing new. You can order any toppings you want on any size pizza at most pizza places, but what's unique about this joint is that you can choose your dough (three different options), your sauce (seven options), and your toppings, which range from traditional to outside the box. So basically they've taken Subway's "eat fresh" concept and pizzafied it. Suck on that Jared. By the way, Pizza Persona, if you're looking for a slightly chubby man with an unrivaled passion for pizza to be your spokesperson, call me.
Currently you can't place custom orders online, but that feature is coming soon. Until then, you'll have to do it the old fashion way by calling (773) 327-8500; or you can visit them at 614 W. Diversey Pkwy, Chicago, IL 60614. Their hours of operation are Sunday through Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Thursday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. If you stop in, tell 'em ScapeGoat Ink sent you. They have no idea who we are and it won't get you any freebies, specials, or discounts, but you'll feel like a rock star name dropping. Plus, when I eventually visit this fine establishment to do my official pizza review, I'll be able to tell them that I AM ScapeGoat Ink and maybe I'll get a free pizza, or a high five or something. If any of you have been to this establishment, please let me know what you thought.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
I Review "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship" Slideshow
I had an entirely different post planned for today, but I had to switch gears at the last minute because I found another alcohol-related article on the Xfinity news feed claiming some absurdities that needed addressing. If you missed my previous article review of "10 Hangover Remedies: What Work's?" you can read it here. Today's article, "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status," is actually a slideshow from TheDailyMeal.com. The author's name is again conveniently missing, so I've created a name for the person down below. I've omitted the oversize pictures and included just the writing; my response can be found below each entry.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Heated Dog Bowl: Good Invention or Bad?
Since January finally decided to start acting like a winter month instead of prancing around disguised as a spring month, alcoholic girlfriend and I had to head to Menard's to pick up some winter-related tools. We had plans to run in, grab what we needed, and then run right back out so we could be productive and do some more errands on the never-ending list. That plan was a failure before it even began. AG learned a very valuable lesson today about me and hardware stores. I'm an overgrown child and I must look and touch EVERYTHING.
I'm not handy by any means, nor do I have any misconceptions that I am. I can fix very basic things, like changing a light bulb, but other than that I'm accident prone, clumsy, and I generally damage things far more than I fix them. However, when it comes to hardware stores, there is something deeply ingrained in my genetic makeup that makes me want to spend all day looking at power tools and other manly stuff that I have no intention of ever using. Let me be clear, I'm not some creepy weirdo who hangs out at hardware stores on a daily basis "touching" stuff. When I need something specific, I must pick up, touch, assess, smell, and sometimes even taste (note to self: steel wool tastes itchy) anything that I can get my hands on. It's a problem.
AG had plans of going to other stores after Menard's, which I thought was adorable because there is no way in hell I was going anywhere without riding on a riding lawnmower (Its name was taunting me. How could I NOT try to ride it in the store?). Here's my hardware store plan of attack: go down every aisle looking for stuff I don't know I need...yet. Well, needless to say, our trip turned into a long one and our cart was overflowing with amazing finds that I convinced AG that we desperately needed (She'll appreciate the oversize beanbag chair and the 40-foot ladder someday). It was expensive and it was too late to run our other errands. Shocking, I know. While I was in the pet aisle (we do not have a pet) I found something strange that caught my eye. It was a heated dog food bowl.
After I saw this, I had so many questions whirling around in my head, which I unfortunately unleashed on AG in the car ride home: Why does a dog need a heated bowl? Isn't having a food bowl with a plug, presumably next to a water bowl, I don't know, kind of dangerous? I was taught at a young age that putting something with a plug in water is a bad idea, so wouldn't putting water into something that plugs in still apply? I'm assuming this is for outdoor use, unless this is geared toward batshit crazy people who think their dog deserves a warm meal, or hot water. If it's for cold weather so that the animals food/water doesn't freeze, don't you think it might be too cold for their dog too? Since when do snow and plugs go well together? Can we stop and get ice cream? I understand that some owners don't let their dogs inside their homes, but even that's a little weird, right? Are you sure we can't stop for a snow cone or something? It seems kind of pointless to have a companion that's not allowed in your house, you know? It'd be like me having my grandma come stay with us, but not allowing her in the house because I don't want her to make a mess. Imagine that conversation, "Hey, Grandma, I love you, but you can't come inside, so stop scratching on the door please. Listen, if you're not housebroken at 93, then it's not gonna happen. Whoa, don't give me that look. Here, want a piece of ribbon candy? I know how much you love ribbon candy. Good girl, now go lay down."
It was after about 10 minutes of random questions tumbling forth from my mouth that I realized AG was no longer listening, if she'd been listening at all, so I finally stopped. I was hoping the sudden silence would encourage her to stop for ice cream, but it apparently didn't play out the way I had hope. Oh well, maybe tomorrow we can get some after the hardware store. Hmm, what can I break tonight?
I'm not handy by any means, nor do I have any misconceptions that I am. I can fix very basic things, like changing a light bulb, but other than that I'm accident prone, clumsy, and I generally damage things far more than I fix them. However, when it comes to hardware stores, there is something deeply ingrained in my genetic makeup that makes me want to spend all day looking at power tools and other manly stuff that I have no intention of ever using. Let me be clear, I'm not some creepy weirdo who hangs out at hardware stores on a daily basis "touching" stuff. When I need something specific, I must pick up, touch, assess, smell, and sometimes even taste (note to self: steel wool tastes itchy) anything that I can get my hands on. It's a problem.
AG had plans of going to other stores after Menard's, which I thought was adorable because there is no way in hell I was going anywhere without riding on a riding lawnmower (Its name was taunting me. How could I NOT try to ride it in the store?). Here's my hardware store plan of attack: go down every aisle looking for stuff I don't know I need...yet. Well, needless to say, our trip turned into a long one and our cart was overflowing with amazing finds that I convinced AG that we desperately needed (She'll appreciate the oversize beanbag chair and the 40-foot ladder someday). It was expensive and it was too late to run our other errands. Shocking, I know. While I was in the pet aisle (we do not have a pet) I found something strange that caught my eye. It was a heated dog food bowl.
After I saw this, I had so many questions whirling around in my head, which I unfortunately unleashed on AG in the car ride home: Why does a dog need a heated bowl? Isn't having a food bowl with a plug, presumably next to a water bowl, I don't know, kind of dangerous? I was taught at a young age that putting something with a plug in water is a bad idea, so wouldn't putting water into something that plugs in still apply? I'm assuming this is for outdoor use, unless this is geared toward batshit crazy people who think their dog deserves a warm meal, or hot water. If it's for cold weather so that the animals food/water doesn't freeze, don't you think it might be too cold for their dog too? Since when do snow and plugs go well together? Can we stop and get ice cream? I understand that some owners don't let their dogs inside their homes, but even that's a little weird, right? Are you sure we can't stop for a snow cone or something? It seems kind of pointless to have a companion that's not allowed in your house, you know? It'd be like me having my grandma come stay with us, but not allowing her in the house because I don't want her to make a mess. Imagine that conversation, "Hey, Grandma, I love you, but you can't come inside, so stop scratching on the door please. Listen, if you're not housebroken at 93, then it's not gonna happen. Whoa, don't give me that look. Here, want a piece of ribbon candy? I know how much you love ribbon candy. Good girl, now go lay down."
It was after about 10 minutes of random questions tumbling forth from my mouth that I realized AG was no longer listening, if she'd been listening at all, so I finally stopped. I was hoping the sudden silence would encourage her to stop for ice cream, but it apparently didn't play out the way I had hope. Oh well, maybe tomorrow we can get some after the hardware store. Hmm, what can I break tonight?
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Shit Girls Say--Hilarious or Offensive?
It's said that imitation is the highest form of flattery. If that's the case than Toronto comics, Graydon Sheppard and Kyle Humphrey, creators of Shit Girls Say, are getting an overwhelming dose. What initially started as a Twitter feed last April, and eventually turned into a three YouTube video series, has exploded into internet gold, which in turn has opened the door for copycat after copycat trying to attain the same level of success with their spin offs of Shit (insert gender/job title/ethnicity/etc.) Say.
It's true, comedy is subjective, and with success comes haters. So while some people have found the series funny, others have found it offensive. The media has covered both ends of the spectrum with fans showing their support for the duo, while others are staging a rebellion and requesting people boycott their Twitter and YouTube feed. The only problem is that due to Sheppard and Humphrey's immense popularity, even if you prevent people from supporting them, there are still hundreds and thousands of newbie's doing spin offs daily. I, personally, find it absolutely hilarious. No, I'm not a misogynist, nor am I against women's equality or women's rights (women driving, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding...sort of). I find it funny because I can totally relate to it. I've met dozens of women who say the exact stuff that they're pointing out and poking fun at. I'm no scientist, but as a scientist I'd venture to say that 90 percent of women have said at least one of the lines at some point in their lives.
Well, I'm not here to preach or to change anyone's opinion. I find the duo funny, which is why I included the first episode, of three, below. You can be the judge for yourself. Also, in case you want to see the series in its entirety, click here and here for episodes two and three, respectively.
I'm curious to see what my readers think. Do you find this funny or offensive? Leave me a comment below in the comment section, or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com. I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say.
It's true, comedy is subjective, and with success comes haters. So while some people have found the series funny, others have found it offensive. The media has covered both ends of the spectrum with fans showing their support for the duo, while others are staging a rebellion and requesting people boycott their Twitter and YouTube feed. The only problem is that due to Sheppard and Humphrey's immense popularity, even if you prevent people from supporting them, there are still hundreds and thousands of newbie's doing spin offs daily. I, personally, find it absolutely hilarious. No, I'm not a misogynist, nor am I against women's equality or women's rights (women driving, on the other hand, is a totally different story. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding...sort of). I find it funny because I can totally relate to it. I've met dozens of women who say the exact stuff that they're pointing out and poking fun at. I'm no scientist, but as a scientist I'd venture to say that 90 percent of women have said at least one of the lines at some point in their lives.
Well, I'm not here to preach or to change anyone's opinion. I find the duo funny, which is why I included the first episode, of three, below. You can be the judge for yourself. Also, in case you want to see the series in its entirety, click here and here for episodes two and three, respectively.
I'm curious to see what my readers think. Do you find this funny or offensive? Leave me a comment below in the comment section, or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com. I'm looking forward to hearing what everyone has to say.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Strength for Hope Foundation Hosts Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament
This blog primarily deals with alcohol-related content; however, we occasionally take a step off the drunken path to bring attention to a cause or an event that helps others or improves our community. My cousin, Mari McNally, is the events coordinator with the Strength for Hope Foundation, which is a newly formed, non-profit organization that seeks help for patients in need of rehabilitative care through the help of grants. Mari mentioned the organization was planning a charity event featuring a Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament, which sounds like a fun way to get involved and help a good cause.
First, let me tell you a little bit about the organization. According to Strength for Hope's website, "The mission of [our] Foundation is to give those who have no insurance coverage an opportunity to receive optimal rehabilitative health care when no other means exist. Instead of allowing a disadvantaged patient to deteriorate while awaiting approval for rehabilitation, our Foundation seeks to provide financial assistance by giving patients with limited monetary means an opportunity to seek rehabilitative health care at facilities that are capable of providing the most advanced care possible, thus providing them Strength for Hope."
The Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament is Saturday, February 18, from 6 p.m. to midnight at the Double Tree Hotel, 500 W. 127th St., Alsip, IL. There will be the main poker tournament, as well as several side tables so everyone has an opportunity to play and win. There are prizes available, including a $500 Visa gift card, and even if you don't win at least you're supporting a good cause. To register for this event, click here.
In addition to the scheduled poker tournament in February, Strength for Hope Foundation is currently in the process of organizing a 5k race for April, a charity date auction for June, and a charity softball tournament for fall 2012. To get more information about these events and the Strength for Hope Foundation, visit the website here. Also, they have a Facebook page, which you can access here.
First, let me tell you a little bit about the organization. According to Strength for Hope's website, "The mission of [our] Foundation is to give those who have no insurance coverage an opportunity to receive optimal rehabilitative health care when no other means exist. Instead of allowing a disadvantaged patient to deteriorate while awaiting approval for rehabilitation, our Foundation seeks to provide financial assistance by giving patients with limited monetary means an opportunity to seek rehabilitative health care at facilities that are capable of providing the most advanced care possible, thus providing them Strength for Hope."
The Texas Hold 'Em Poker Tournament is Saturday, February 18, from 6 p.m. to midnight at the Double Tree Hotel, 500 W. 127th St., Alsip, IL. There will be the main poker tournament, as well as several side tables so everyone has an opportunity to play and win. There are prizes available, including a $500 Visa gift card, and even if you don't win at least you're supporting a good cause. To register for this event, click here.
In addition to the scheduled poker tournament in February, Strength for Hope Foundation is currently in the process of organizing a 5k race for April, a charity date auction for June, and a charity softball tournament for fall 2012. To get more information about these events and the Strength for Hope Foundation, visit the website here. Also, they have a Facebook page, which you can access here.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
ScapeGoat Ink Don't Drink That!: Mulled Wine Edition
Over the holiday's I was looking for some weird booze to drink for the ScapeGoat Ink Don't Drink That! segment when I stumbled across a peculiar-looking bottle of wine at ALDI. I realize that there are several questionable things mentioned in that last statement, but alas it is true that ALDI does in fact have a wine selection, and yes, I was looking at it. One particular wine jumped out at me because the label was brightly colored and it was written in German. I flipped it over, like a seasoned used car salesman, hoping to unveil the particular type of contents in this mysterious bottle. What I discovered was quite the treat.
A few month's ago I stopped over at my parent's house to visit and, at my mom's urging, we had a glass of red wine that had been placed in the refrigerator. Yada, yada, my mom microwaved the wine—read about the entire red wine debacle here—and since then it's become a running joke in my family. Well, the bottle of wine that I picked up was German mulled wine, not to be mistaken with "mold" wine, which is just plain gross. This happened to be the perfect wine for the season because according to the label, mulled wine is typically served warm. I thought it only appropriate to bring my newly purchased bottle over to my parent's house to share with my mom, the wine-microwaver.
During the mulled wine tasting I recorded the on-going comments throughout the drinking session. I was going to compose the content into paragraph form, but at my Dad's suggestion, I've kept all the original notes intact, so what you're about to read is the raw, unedited version.
The main players are AG: alcoholic girlfriend; SG: me; D: my Dad; and, M: my mom.
First impressions
Of course, being the rookie wine snobs that we are we were in such a hurry to taste this delicious, bloody looking wine that we forgot to decant it. In an attempt to expedite the aeration of the wine we three vigorously swirled our glasses to release more flavors. What we got was unpleasant to say the least.
First whiff
AG: It smells like cheap perfume.
M: It smells like a whore died in the alley.
SG: It's like someone farted on a fruit cake.
First sip
AG: It's confusing. It tastes like potpourri. I think I need a shot.
M: Yuck. Roll it around on your tongue, it makes it taste even worse; it's like licking an alley.
SG: It leaves a weird film in my mouth, kind of the way a hooker does, er, would.
After 30-seconds in the microwave
(It was too hot to drink, so we let it sit for a moment, which made it smell worse.)
First whiff
AG: I feel like we're slowly poisoning ourselves.
M: Oh, the smell (shudder)! I shouldn't have put my whole face in it.
SG: It burns my nose holes.
First sip
M: Ow!
AG: That's not good. It's so bad it burns my eyes. It's like bad sangria, only hot.
SG: Yuck. I never thought I'd say this, but the microwaved red wine tasted better.
After one sip the ladies switched over to good wine, which was anything other than mulled wine. I, on the other hand, made the decision to power through and finish what I'd started, or at least the glass that was in front of me. As usual, my decision would prove to be a poor one. On a side note, I truly do think a hooker farts in every bottle of mulled wine before it's sealed and shipped to the masses. By "masses" I mean ALDI customers.
Eventually, my dad arrived home after a long days work to find three assholes in the kitchen stinking the joint up while making a mess with a bottle of mulled wine. It was obvious by the perplexed look on his face that he wanted in. At least that's what I told myself as I poured him a heaping glass of unpleasantness.
Dad's First Impressions
Is that ink or wine? It smells like office supplies.
(Only an accountant would equate hooker juice with office supplies.)
First whiff
D: This doesn't smell like wine. It smells like vomit or stomach acid. It's like someone just had bad wine and barfed.
First sip
D: It's like Welch's grape juice. Hmm, it's an enigma. You could pair that wine with popcorn or liverwurst; probably a nice liverwurst sandwich.
After 24 seconds in microwave
(We learned that 30 seconds was 6 seconds too long)
First whiff
SG: It smells slightly better than the first time.
D: Yeah, but it smells like it's burnt.
First sip
D: It tastes a little tart and flat.
SG: Heating it up didn't help.
After tasting it we decided that maybe the microwave was what was ruining the wine. What was our great idea? We'll warm it up in a pot on the stove—genius.
Wine warmed on the stove
D: Which way should I stir it? Counterclockwise or clockwise? I don't want to destroy the integrity of this fine wine.
SG: I think it's melting the spoon.
Final sips
D: Maybe I've had too much, but it doesn't taste that bad anymore.
SG: Yeah, I'd agree. It's definitely not good, but it's not THAT bad.
A: No. It's bad.
AG: I never want that again. EVER.
Random Quote of the evening
D: Bing Crosby couldn't sing. Bob Hope was the brains behind that operation.
Let's just assume that's the mulled wine talking.
After our tasting, my dad and I tried to enjoy a couple of beers afterward, but it appears that due to an odd film left in our mouths from the wine that our taste buds were destroyed. Not even a couple of robust Magic Hat Howl dark lagers could overpower the tainted taste left in our mouths. Thanks for the nightmares, mulled wine!
A few month's ago I stopped over at my parent's house to visit and, at my mom's urging, we had a glass of red wine that had been placed in the refrigerator. Yada, yada, my mom microwaved the wine—read about the entire red wine debacle here—and since then it's become a running joke in my family. Well, the bottle of wine that I picked up was German mulled wine, not to be mistaken with "mold" wine, which is just plain gross. This happened to be the perfect wine for the season because according to the label, mulled wine is typically served warm. I thought it only appropriate to bring my newly purchased bottle over to my parent's house to share with my mom, the wine-microwaver.
During the mulled wine tasting I recorded the on-going comments throughout the drinking session. I was going to compose the content into paragraph form, but at my Dad's suggestion, I've kept all the original notes intact, so what you're about to read is the raw, unedited version.
Back Label
Christengel Glühwein—mulled wine
Style: mild
Taste: sweet
Notes: Aromas and flavors of red fruit and spice with hints of orange
Food: A natural fit for holiday gatherings, cakes and stollen (German's take on the fruit cake)
Origin: Hell. Just kidding, it's a product of Germany
The main players are AG: alcoholic girlfriend; SG: me; D: my Dad; and, M: my mom.
First impressions
Of course, being the rookie wine snobs that we are we were in such a hurry to taste this delicious, bloody looking wine that we forgot to decant it. In an attempt to expedite the aeration of the wine we three vigorously swirled our glasses to release more flavors. What we got was unpleasant to say the least.
First whiff
AG: It smells like cheap perfume.
M: It smells like a whore died in the alley.
SG: It's like someone farted on a fruit cake.
First sip
AG: It's confusing. It tastes like potpourri. I think I need a shot.
M: Yuck. Roll it around on your tongue, it makes it taste even worse; it's like licking an alley.
SG: It leaves a weird film in my mouth, kind of the way a hooker does, er, would.
After 30-seconds in the microwave
(It was too hot to drink, so we let it sit for a moment, which made it smell worse.)
First whiff
AG: I feel like we're slowly poisoning ourselves.
M: Oh, the smell (shudder)! I shouldn't have put my whole face in it.
SG: It burns my nose holes.
First sip
M: Ow!
AG: That's not good. It's so bad it burns my eyes. It's like bad sangria, only hot.
SG: Yuck. I never thought I'd say this, but the microwaved red wine tasted better.
After one sip the ladies switched over to good wine, which was anything other than mulled wine. I, on the other hand, made the decision to power through and finish what I'd started, or at least the glass that was in front of me. As usual, my decision would prove to be a poor one. On a side note, I truly do think a hooker farts in every bottle of mulled wine before it's sealed and shipped to the masses. By "masses" I mean ALDI customers.
Eventually, my dad arrived home after a long days work to find three assholes in the kitchen stinking the joint up while making a mess with a bottle of mulled wine. It was obvious by the perplexed look on his face that he wanted in. At least that's what I told myself as I poured him a heaping glass of unpleasantness.
Dad's First Impressions
Is that ink or wine? It smells like office supplies.
(Only an accountant would equate hooker juice with office supplies.)
First whiff
D: This doesn't smell like wine. It smells like vomit or stomach acid. It's like someone just had bad wine and barfed.
First sip
D: It's like Welch's grape juice. Hmm, it's an enigma. You could pair that wine with popcorn or liverwurst; probably a nice liverwurst sandwich.
After 24 seconds in microwave
(We learned that 30 seconds was 6 seconds too long)
First whiff
SG: It smells slightly better than the first time.
D: Yeah, but it smells like it's burnt.
First sip
D: It tastes a little tart and flat.
SG: Heating it up didn't help.
After tasting it we decided that maybe the microwave was what was ruining the wine. What was our great idea? We'll warm it up in a pot on the stove—genius.
Wine warmed on the stove
D: Which way should I stir it? Counterclockwise or clockwise? I don't want to destroy the integrity of this fine wine.
SG: I think it's melting the spoon.
Final sips
D: Maybe I've had too much, but it doesn't taste that bad anymore.
SG: Yeah, I'd agree. It's definitely not good, but it's not THAT bad.
A: No. It's bad.
AG: I never want that again. EVER.
Random Quote of the evening
D: Bing Crosby couldn't sing. Bob Hope was the brains behind that operation.
Let's just assume that's the mulled wine talking.
After our tasting, my dad and I tried to enjoy a couple of beers afterward, but it appears that due to an odd film left in our mouths from the wine that our taste buds were destroyed. Not even a couple of robust Magic Hat Howl dark lagers could overpower the tainted taste left in our mouths. Thanks for the nightmares, mulled wine!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy 60 Day's Until St. Patrick's Day!
As far as drinking is concerned, Cinco de Mayo has its moments and, well, Oktoberfest captures the drinking spirit—those Germans know how to party,
just ask David Hasselhoff—but I prefer St. Patrick's Day above all else. It's a holiday that unites drunks. No matter what your background is, as long as you can drink you're more than welcome to enjoy in all the festivities. Since I'm truly elated about St. Patrick's Day, I've decided to start the official countdown to THE greatest drinking holiday ever. Today officially marks 60 days until we drink until we're green (refer to hilarious shirt below), which gives us around two months to prepare our livers for the alcoholic onslaught that will surely ensue. Plus, this year St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday, which means we'll not only get to celebrate on the day of, instead of the weekend before, but we'll also have Sunday to help with the recovery, which is much appreciated.
Over the next 60 days, in addition to keeping regular posts about trying to create sexy evenings with ChocoVine, refuting poorly written hangover cures, or reviewing a beer while dropping a little history (read about each post here, here, and here, respectively) I'm going to spend the countdown trying to keep my readers informed on hangover tips, St. Patrick's Day traditions, where to drink, and I'll help you choose appropriate attire for those who are Irish and for those who are not. Here's to making this holiday one for the history books. Ladies and gentlemen, start preparing those livers!
Over the next 60 days, in addition to keeping regular posts about trying to create sexy evenings with ChocoVine, refuting poorly written hangover cures, or reviewing a beer while dropping a little history (read about each post here, here, and here, respectively) I'm going to spend the countdown trying to keep my readers informed on hangover tips, St. Patrick's Day traditions, where to drink, and I'll help you choose appropriate attire for those who are Irish and for those who are not. Here's to making this holiday one for the history books. Ladies and gentlemen, start preparing those livers!
This shirt is perfect for someone who is Irish or someone who's a pervert (guilty). Wear this on St. Patrick's Day and then let your eyes and this shirt do the talking...or, soliciting. If nothing more, it's a hilarious ice breaker. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
When These Irish Eyes Are Smiling,
They're picturing you naked
So everyone knows that we're serious when we say St. Paddy's Day is a holiday for the masses, not just drunken Irish folk, we're offering this t-shirt, which oozes confidence and makes a statement: I might not be Irish, but I can still party. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
They're picturing you naked
So everyone knows that we're serious when we say St. Paddy's Day is a holiday for the masses, not just drunken Irish folk, we're offering this t-shirt, which oozes confidence and makes a statement: I might not be Irish, but I can still party. Click on the picture below to purchase this t-shirt.
You don't have to be Irish
to drink until you're GREEN!
to drink until you're GREEN!
If you haven't already, click here and show us some love on our Facebook fan page by "liking" us and dropping us a line. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!
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Vote Glenda Okones for Mayor of Glen Falls 2012
Listen, I don't like to wave my political flag around too much, especially since this blog was created as a social drinking hub, where we can all get together and share a few virtual pints with each other. I've spent many a nights fantasizing about what this blog might turn into one day. Perhaps, if I find time, I'll eventually write a cool little jingle that will precede each post. Nothing too deep, just a lighthearted ditty about escaping troubles to an establishment where everyone seems to know your name. Maybe in a few years some of you will form a really close bond with me and, jokingly, we'll come up with nicknames for one another. I don't know something crazy, like Sam Malone, and then eventually just plain Sammy. Of course, once I'm given a nickname, I'd be obligated to dish out a few of my own. Perhaps for my best "customer" I'll reserve a special nickname, like Regular or Norm or something. I'd pour everyone a pint on the house, and then we'd all raise our glasses and yell, Cheers!
Now back to my political rant. My vote for the 2012 Mayor of Glen Falls is going to Glenda Okones. It's not everyday that a candidate as special as Okones comes along and has the gumption to really shake things up. She's not offering fake promises in exchange for your support. She's attacking this campaign like a crazy, rabid wolverine and it's that kind of spunk that really makes me believe in her. She's the first, and presumably only, candidate ballsy enough to attack before her rivals do. But, instead of attacking them, she's unleashing her fury...on herself. If you're still unsure who Okones really is as a candidate, I've recopied a statement from the Glen Falls Times made by political analyst, Clive Wangerfield: "Glenda Okones is flawed. She's harsh, she's cold and the "B"-word has even been thrown around too. She has a natural frowny face, not naturally ugly, but severe looking. A lot of people say she's a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life and it's going to remind her of a better story from HER life. So she's just going to start talking louder than you and hope that you give up and stop talking all together. She believes it's OK to push people. There you go, now it's all out there. If you're looking for a cute Mayor who listens to you, Glenda is not your candidate. If you're OK with this, vote Okones."
Ah, now that's refreshing. If voters out there still aren't convinced that she's the right woman for the job, I've also attached two more of her attack campaigns. Do the right thing, throw your support behind this wily woman, and vote Okones. This message has been approved by ScapeGoat Ink.
Now back to my political rant. My vote for the 2012 Mayor of Glen Falls is going to Glenda Okones. It's not everyday that a candidate as special as Okones comes along and has the gumption to really shake things up. She's not offering fake promises in exchange for your support. She's attacking this campaign like a crazy, rabid wolverine and it's that kind of spunk that really makes me believe in her. She's the first, and presumably only, candidate ballsy enough to attack before her rivals do. But, instead of attacking them, she's unleashing her fury...on herself. If you're still unsure who Okones really is as a candidate, I've recopied a statement from the Glen Falls Times made by political analyst, Clive Wangerfield: "Glenda Okones is flawed. She's harsh, she's cold and the "B"-word has even been thrown around too. She has a natural frowny face, not naturally ugly, but severe looking. A lot of people say she's a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life and it's going to remind her of a better story from HER life. So she's just going to start talking louder than you and hope that you give up and stop talking all together. She believes it's OK to push people. There you go, now it's all out there. If you're looking for a cute Mayor who listens to you, Glenda is not your candidate. If you're OK with this, vote Okones."
Ah, now that's refreshing. If voters out there still aren't convinced that she's the right woman for the job, I've also attached two more of her attack campaigns. Do the right thing, throw your support behind this wily woman, and vote Okones. This message has been approved by ScapeGoat Ink.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
March: Chicago Beer Fest & Whisky Advocate's WhiskyFest
March 2012 is looking pretty great from here. Not only will I be celebrating several birthday's, as well as (hopefully) winning some money during the NCAA's March Madness, but I also have you covered "drinking wise" for the last three weekends in March. First of all, we have St. Patrick's Day on March 17, which happens to fall on a Saturday. I could not be more excited to not only celebrate the crap out of this boozy holiday, but also to do it on a Saturday, because I already know I'm going to need the Sunday after to recuperate and mend my splitting headache.
The following week, Whisky Advocate (formerly known as Malt Advocate) will be hosting the official Chicago WhiskyFest at the Hyatt Regency, Friday, March 23, at 6:30. Now I've attended this epic event three out of the last four years with both my dad and brother (our friendly giant made an appearance one year, too). The tickets are steep, starting at $135 for early bird pricing and $155 for regular admission, but if you consider yourself a fan of whiskey, then this event is well worth the money. The price includes access to the tasting of over 250 boozes from around the world, all seminars, a commemorative snifter, event program, and a buffet available all evening. My brother wrote a review of Chicago's 2009 Whisky Fest, read it here. To buy tickets to this event, click here. The sooner the better, these tickets go fast.
Thanks for the event reminder, alcoholic girlfriend's sister, Mini lobes, aka Jack-of-all-trades, (if you have a question, she's got the answer. At karaoke she'll only sing Bone Thugs and Harmony's "Crossroads" because that's how she rolls. Like Jack Black? She does a stellar impression that'll blow your mind. She does, however, have ridiculously small ears and it totally freaks me out). The final weekend in March is the Chicago Beer Festival, which will be held at Union Station, Saturday, March 31. Apparently there will be two time slots available, the first is from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m., and the second is from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. There isn't a lot of information about this event available yet, but from what I've heard it will feature dozens of craft breweries and over 100 beers available for the tasting. The official website isn't active yet, but you can go to Chicago Beer Festival's Facebook page here and "like" them to get updated information as it becomes available. I pulled this directly from their page, "This is waaaaay early, but so far we have Hamburger Mary's, 5 Rabbit, Argus, Three Floyds, Half Acre, Lagunitas, Duvel St. Fullien, Crispin, Sierra Nevada, Stone, Sea Dog, Shipyard, Pyramid, Blue Moon, and many, many more to come..." Mmm, sounds delicious. Tickets for this event are $40, click here to purchase them online.
As always, I appreciate all of you for taking time out of your day to read this blog. If you want updated posts sent directly to your email, subscribe to our blog on the left-hand side. Also, if you haven't already, show us some love on Facebook by visiting our ScapeGoat Ink fan page here and "like" us. Cheers, and have a great weekend everyone!
The following week, Whisky Advocate (formerly known as Malt Advocate) will be hosting the official Chicago WhiskyFest at the Hyatt Regency, Friday, March 23, at 6:30. Now I've attended this epic event three out of the last four years with both my dad and brother (our friendly giant made an appearance one year, too). The tickets are steep, starting at $135 for early bird pricing and $155 for regular admission, but if you consider yourself a fan of whiskey, then this event is well worth the money. The price includes access to the tasting of over 250 boozes from around the world, all seminars, a commemorative snifter, event program, and a buffet available all evening. My brother wrote a review of Chicago's 2009 Whisky Fest, read it here. To buy tickets to this event, click here. The sooner the better, these tickets go fast.
Thanks for the event reminder, alcoholic girlfriend's sister, Mini lobes, aka Jack-of-all-trades, (if you have a question, she's got the answer. At karaoke she'll only sing Bone Thugs and Harmony's "Crossroads" because that's how she rolls. Like Jack Black? She does a stellar impression that'll blow your mind. She does, however, have ridiculously small ears and it totally freaks me out). The final weekend in March is the Chicago Beer Festival, which will be held at Union Station, Saturday, March 31. Apparently there will be two time slots available, the first is from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m., and the second is from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. There isn't a lot of information about this event available yet, but from what I've heard it will feature dozens of craft breweries and over 100 beers available for the tasting. The official website isn't active yet, but you can go to Chicago Beer Festival's Facebook page here and "like" them to get updated information as it becomes available. I pulled this directly from their page, "This is waaaaay early, but so far we have Hamburger Mary's, 5 Rabbit, Argus, Three Floyds, Half Acre, Lagunitas, Duvel St. Fullien, Crispin, Sierra Nevada, Stone, Sea Dog, Shipyard, Pyramid, Blue Moon, and many, many more to come..." Mmm, sounds delicious. Tickets for this event are $40, click here to purchase them online.
As always, I appreciate all of you for taking time out of your day to read this blog. If you want updated posts sent directly to your email, subscribe to our blog on the left-hand side. Also, if you haven't already, show us some love on Facebook by visiting our ScapeGoat Ink fan page here and "like" us. Cheers, and have a great weekend everyone!
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Samuel Smith's (I'll Take Two) Nut Brown Ales
I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that understand that my liver without alcohol is like a fish without water. So, luckily when an occasion arises where gifts can be given, people who know me already know that a consumable is the perfect gift for a self-proclaimed alcoholic, for it allows me to dispose of the evidence after the enjoyment is gone. Well, alcoholic girlfriend's mom, Ms. Laughies (read about her introduction to the blog here), was kind enough to help me cope with my after-holiday DT's by giving me an assortment of "Big Boy" beers, towering a little over a pint in size. Well, since our refrigerator looks as if two alcoholics reside in our apartment (strange, I know), I decided to do a little "cleaning." It's a hard life I lead, I know, but at least you're not my liver.
I settled on Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ale to start my "clean up" because my brother and I have both had, and enjoyed, Samuel Smith's Famous Taddy Porter and Winter Welcome Ale. You can read both reviews here and here, respectively. According to the back label: "Brewed at Samuel Smith's small, traditional British brewery with well water (the original well sunk in 1758 is still in use), best barley malt, roasted barley, yeast and aromatic hops. Nut Brown Ale is relatively dry with a rich amber-brown colour and nutty flavour derived exclusively from small amounts of dark malt. Brown ales are a speciality of northern England." Well, I'm sold.
The color matches the back-label description almost perfectly. It's not as dark as a stout, but it definitely has a nice amber, dark brown hue with a solid head that dissipates after several minutes. The flavor is light, but not lacking. I've noticed that some beers from the UK actually develop in flavor as they sit out a bit (Do NOT heat, mom), which is why this beer seems to taste better with time. Drinking this beer ice-cold does a disservice to it, but after a while the development of malt and nuttiness eventually comes through with each sip, which provides something to look forward to. Alcoholic girlfriend was not a huge fan. No matter, she willingly gave me her hers, so my previously one nut brown magically turned into a pair. Yes, I'm making a testicle joke during a beer review because I'm an overgrown child. I feel like Nut Browns can be on the fence for me, but I enjoyed this one. I'd purchase it again, nay two, they taste better as a set.
I settled on Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ale to start my "clean up" because my brother and I have both had, and enjoyed, Samuel Smith's Famous Taddy Porter and Winter Welcome Ale. You can read both reviews here and here, respectively. According to the back label: "Brewed at Samuel Smith's small, traditional British brewery with well water (the original well sunk in 1758 is still in use), best barley malt, roasted barley, yeast and aromatic hops. Nut Brown Ale is relatively dry with a rich amber-brown colour and nutty flavour derived exclusively from small amounts of dark malt. Brown ales are a speciality of northern England." Well, I'm sold.
The color matches the back-label description almost perfectly. It's not as dark as a stout, but it definitely has a nice amber, dark brown hue with a solid head that dissipates after several minutes. The flavor is light, but not lacking. I've noticed that some beers from the UK actually develop in flavor as they sit out a bit (Do NOT heat, mom), which is why this beer seems to taste better with time. Drinking this beer ice-cold does a disservice to it, but after a while the development of malt and nuttiness eventually comes through with each sip, which provides something to look forward to. Alcoholic girlfriend was not a huge fan. No matter, she willingly gave me her hers, so my previously one nut brown magically turned into a pair. Yes, I'm making a testicle joke during a beer review because I'm an overgrown child. I feel like Nut Browns can be on the fence for me, but I enjoyed this one. I'd purchase it again, nay two, they taste better as a set.
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Hub TV network was right...Fraggle DOES rock!
I recently discovered the Hub TV network on Comcast and it's been dominating my late night television watching. This network has all the classic shows from my childhood and even a few from before my time. Those who know me personally know that in addition to being an alcoholic, I'm also an overgrown, man-child who watches far too much television. I discovered this station by accident, although some might call it fate, one night when I was searching for low-grade television to entertain me. I caught the end of the Transformers cartoon and I've been hooked ever since. Here's a list of the Hub's classic lineup:
Cartoons
-Batman (Old school and new school)
-My Little Pony (Don't judge me, I have an older sister)
-Pound Puppies
-Conan The Adventurer
-G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (classic and new)
-Transformers (classic and new)
TV Shows
-Batman (Adam West and spelled-out sound effects (Pow, Biff, Boom) in all its glory)
-The Wonder Years
-Family Ties (Sha la la la)
-Happy Days
-Doogie Howser, M.D.
-Laverne & Shirley
Literally every time AG leaves the room, even for a second, I'll change the channel to the Hub and soak up all the classic television I can before she returns and forces me to change it back to non-Hub stuff (read: crap). Hey, it's her fault for dating a man-child in the first place (cradle robber). However, in a twist of fate, I happened to change the channel at the most perfect moment. When AG returned from her 30-second trip to the kitchen, Fraggle Rock was on. She couldn't say no to some Fraggle Rock. Finally, Hub was getting the recognition it deserved. So much so that AG requested I start recording Fraggle Rock. Sounds like winning to me. In honor of AG's conversion to a Hub network fan, enjoy a clip from the show that made it possible:
Cartoons
-Batman (Old school and new school)
-My Little Pony (Don't judge me, I have an older sister)
-Pound Puppies
-Conan The Adventurer
-G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (classic and new)
-Transformers (classic and new)
TV Shows
-Batman (Adam West and spelled-out sound effects (Pow, Biff, Boom) in all its glory)
-The Wonder Years
-Family Ties (Sha la la la)
-Happy Days
-Doogie Howser, M.D.
-Laverne & Shirley
Literally every time AG leaves the room, even for a second, I'll change the channel to the Hub and soak up all the classic television I can before she returns and forces me to change it back to non-Hub stuff (read: crap). Hey, it's her fault for dating a man-child in the first place (cradle robber). However, in a twist of fate, I happened to change the channel at the most perfect moment. When AG returned from her 30-second trip to the kitchen, Fraggle Rock was on. She couldn't say no to some Fraggle Rock. Finally, Hub was getting the recognition it deserved. So much so that AG requested I start recording Fraggle Rock. Sounds like winning to me. In honor of AG's conversion to a Hub network fan, enjoy a clip from the show that made it possible:
It makes you miss the 80s a little, doesn't it? Well, before we even discovered Hub TV network and got hooked on Fraggle Rock all over again, we were professing our love of this Henson classic from the very beginning. Now, you too can profess your love with the t-shirt below. Do the right thing, click here.
They were right...
Fraggle DOES rock!
Fraggle DOES rock!
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Budweiser Slips from the No. 2 Spot
I'm sorry for posting increasingly later in the day, my blog babies. You see, I recently started a new job as night security guard at the Museum of Natural History and some weird shit has been going on. It's like the exhibits on display have come to life and started to wreak havoc, which has been keeping me up later than usual. I'm pretty sure Robin Williams was snorting the "nose candy" again because last night he dressed up like Teddy Roosevelt and then broke into the museum. Don't worry, I threw Mork's ass right out because that's how I security guard. All right, I'll stop.
Actually what I wanted to post about was an article I found yesterday on the msn news feed written by Kim Peterson (read it here). According to the article, the iconic Budweiser brand has slipped from second place to third place among American drinkers. Who knocked them out of their ranking? Coors Light. This is a big deal because according to the article, "This is the first time in nearly two decades that Anheuser-Busch hasn't controlled the top two beers in the country." Bud Light is still reigning supreme in the top spot, which overthrew Budweiser in 2001. However, it makes me wonder how long do they have before competitors start gunning for the top spot?
The article points out that Budweiser has been seeing sales drop for years, with 2009 and 2010 being some of the worst. This is interesting because in 2008 a Brazilian-Belgian brewing company, InBev, bought out Anheuser-Busch, which created one of the world's largest brewers (Anheuser-Busch InBev) and the deal translated to around $52 billion in total equity. It seems uncertain whether the changing of ownership directly affected Budweiser's foothold with the American public, or whether they were able to "step in" and prevent sales from dropping lower than they already have been.
As can be expected, the competition is thrilled, having this to say, "'Anytime you can dethrone the king, it's special,'" a MillerCoors spokesman told Advertising Age. An Anheuser-Busch spokesman was less celebratory, saying the company was on track with a strategy to stabilize Budweiser." The article didn't go into too much detail as to what AB InBev is going to do to regain the number two spot other than mentioning the "Grab some buds" campaign while using a music-heavy approach. Will it be enough to compete with the new cold-activated bottles and cans that Coors Light's been pushing? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
So, what are your thoughts on Budweiser slipping out of second place? Do you think Coors Light will be able to take down the giant that is Bud Light, or will they just enjoy the second place spot for now? Personally, I think this is just the beginning of the end for the behemoth brewers. In the last five to ten years I've seen such an insurgence of craft and microbrewery's that I think it's finally the age of the "little guys." I think the only way the large corporations are going to be able to compete is if they start thinking outside of the box and stop churning out light, watered-down brews that lack taste and flavor. What are your thoughts, readers? Leave a comment below.
Actually what I wanted to post about was an article I found yesterday on the msn news feed written by Kim Peterson (read it here). According to the article, the iconic Budweiser brand has slipped from second place to third place among American drinkers. Who knocked them out of their ranking? Coors Light. This is a big deal because according to the article, "This is the first time in nearly two decades that Anheuser-Busch hasn't controlled the top two beers in the country." Bud Light is still reigning supreme in the top spot, which overthrew Budweiser in 2001. However, it makes me wonder how long do they have before competitors start gunning for the top spot?
The article points out that Budweiser has been seeing sales drop for years, with 2009 and 2010 being some of the worst. This is interesting because in 2008 a Brazilian-Belgian brewing company, InBev, bought out Anheuser-Busch, which created one of the world's largest brewers (Anheuser-Busch InBev) and the deal translated to around $52 billion in total equity. It seems uncertain whether the changing of ownership directly affected Budweiser's foothold with the American public, or whether they were able to "step in" and prevent sales from dropping lower than they already have been.
As can be expected, the competition is thrilled, having this to say, "'Anytime you can dethrone the king, it's special,'" a MillerCoors spokesman told Advertising Age. An Anheuser-Busch spokesman was less celebratory, saying the company was on track with a strategy to stabilize Budweiser." The article didn't go into too much detail as to what AB InBev is going to do to regain the number two spot other than mentioning the "Grab some buds" campaign while using a music-heavy approach. Will it be enough to compete with the new cold-activated bottles and cans that Coors Light's been pushing? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
So, what are your thoughts on Budweiser slipping out of second place? Do you think Coors Light will be able to take down the giant that is Bud Light, or will they just enjoy the second place spot for now? Personally, I think this is just the beginning of the end for the behemoth brewers. In the last five to ten years I've seen such an insurgence of craft and microbrewery's that I think it's finally the age of the "little guys." I think the only way the large corporations are going to be able to compete is if they start thinking outside of the box and stop churning out light, watered-down brews that lack taste and flavor. What are your thoughts, readers? Leave a comment below.
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Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas
Yesterday, alcoholic girlfriend and I went out to brunch at Deleece to celebrate our friend Heather's birthday. I had heard of the restaurant before, but this was the first time I'd been. I will say that they definitely lived up to the hype and I would definitely go back. AG ordered the lobster Benedict with arugula and truffle hollandaise sauce and, because I'm a man and I have a ballsack, I ordered the steak and eggs, which came with roasted red potatoes on top of a hollandaise sauce. I'll admit, after a bite of AG's lobster Benedict, I immediately regretted not ordering the same. Damn you again, ballsack!
While I polished off two Bloody Mary's (I'm just keeping the Sunday tradition alive and drunk) and AG attempted to discover if the bottomless Mimosa's truly had no bottom, someone passed around their phone of a funny video clip. When it finally arrived to AG and me, it made me laugh so hard that I shit someone else's pants. I had to re-post it for anyone who may not have seen Baby trashes bar in Las Palmas. Enjoy!
While I polished off two Bloody Mary's (I'm just keeping the Sunday tradition alive and drunk) and AG attempted to discover if the bottomless Mimosa's truly had no bottom, someone passed around their phone of a funny video clip. When it finally arrived to AG and me, it made me laugh so hard that I shit someone else's pants. I had to re-post it for anyone who may not have seen Baby trashes bar in Las Palmas. Enjoy!
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Friday I'm In Love
It's finally Friday and for some crazy reason it's sunny and warm on what should be a normally cold and dark January day. So, instead of writing a post that will keep me indoors, and force our two readers to miss going outside, I'll let The Cure take this one with their 90s hit, "Friday I'm In Love." Um, go easy on their clothing choices, I'm sure at some point that shit was cool. Cheers, and enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts!
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Is ArKay Beverages Breaking the Law?
Some of you may remember my rant several weeks ago about ArKay Beverages, Inc. launching the world's first (and hopefully last) alcohol-free, whisky-flavored drink. If not, you can read my poignant and drunken ramblings here. Well, apparently ArKay Beverages is back in the news. According to an article written by Gemma McKenna on Harpers website, the Scotch Whisky Association is calling the company out for trying to unfairly trade on whisky's good reputation.
When I first discovered an article about this whisky-flavored abomination I was irritated that a product like this would even be conceived, but I also didn't understand the point of removing the best part of whisky—alcohol. Who would drink this inferior product? Plus, they never specified what whisky they were trying to emulate: Scotch, Irish, Bourbon, or Canadian. The idea of trying to pass off dirty, brown, trash water as delicious whisky is wrong for sure, but I didn't realize that there could potentially be legal issues as well. According to the article, "The SWA said there can be no such product and such a description is illegal in the European Union and many other countries. It plans to monitor the sale of ArKay Beverages newly-launched 'alcohol free whisky,' with a view to taking appropriate action." Boom. Take that ArKay.
First of all, I had no idea there was a European Union (EU) or a Scotch Whisky Association (SWA) before I read this article. I like knowing that there are hyper-vigilante booze groups out there keeping our best interests at heart, specifically not allowing fake whisky to permeate the market. I'm totally picturing a drunken superhero dressed as a bottle of scotch fighting crime right now. The article continues that the EU has strict laws as to what can and can't be sold using the whisky name, which is enforced to maintain its reputation and protect the consumer. Therefore promoting an artificially flavored soft drink as whisky is wrong and will lead to consumer confusion.
So, blog reader, do you agree with the EU and SWA that what ArKay Beverages is doing is wrong? Or, do you feel that a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink is perfectly acceptable and that things are getting out of hand? Leave me a comment or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com and let me know your thoughts.
When I first discovered an article about this whisky-flavored abomination I was irritated that a product like this would even be conceived, but I also didn't understand the point of removing the best part of whisky—alcohol. Who would drink this inferior product? Plus, they never specified what whisky they were trying to emulate: Scotch, Irish, Bourbon, or Canadian. The idea of trying to pass off dirty, brown, trash water as delicious whisky is wrong for sure, but I didn't realize that there could potentially be legal issues as well. According to the article, "The SWA said there can be no such product and such a description is illegal in the European Union and many other countries. It plans to monitor the sale of ArKay Beverages newly-launched 'alcohol free whisky,' with a view to taking appropriate action." Boom. Take that ArKay.
First of all, I had no idea there was a European Union (EU) or a Scotch Whisky Association (SWA) before I read this article. I like knowing that there are hyper-vigilante booze groups out there keeping our best interests at heart, specifically not allowing fake whisky to permeate the market. I'm totally picturing a drunken superhero dressed as a bottle of scotch fighting crime right now. The article continues that the EU has strict laws as to what can and can't be sold using the whisky name, which is enforced to maintain its reputation and protect the consumer. Therefore promoting an artificially flavored soft drink as whisky is wrong and will lead to consumer confusion.
So, blog reader, do you agree with the EU and SWA that what ArKay Beverages is doing is wrong? Or, do you feel that a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink is perfectly acceptable and that things are getting out of hand? Leave me a comment or drop me a line at contactus@scapegoatink.com and let me know your thoughts.
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Happy Hump Day, from Schmitts Gay Beer!
I figured this Saturday Night Live gem from the 90s was the perfect post for Hump Day. Obviously nothing touches the original cast members from the 70s, which included comedic giants such as, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, and Harry Shearer, to name a few. Basically, they're the comedians who set the mold for the franchise and set the bar for every following cast member. However, I have a fondness for the 90s, mainly because I wasn't even alive until the 70s had past. This was when Phil Hartman and Chris Farley were still with us and before Adam Sandler started casting all of his no-talent, ass-clown friends in every movie that he does. Don't get me wrong, Little Nicky was pure cinematic gold. Anyway, its days like these I wouldn't mind grabbing an ice-cold bottle of Schmitts Gay to satisfy my thirst.
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My Rebuttal to "10 Hangover Remedies: What Works?" Article
I found an article titled, "10 Hangover Remedies: What Works?" on the Xfinity news feed, which was re-posted from Health.com. Of course, a title like that would pique any alcoholic's interest, so I decided to see what helpful hints I could take away from this article so the next time I drink I don't feel like Oscar the Grouch had his way with me. The best way to properly share this article with my readers is by copying it in its entirety and pasting it below. I added a few of my own comments about the article, which I put in red. Enjoy!
10 Hangover Remedies: What Works?
The only way to avoid a pounding head and queasiness the morning after is to drink in moderation, or to stay away from alcohol entirely. But with all sorts of seasonal celebrations going on, it's easy to overindulge
Alternating your drinks with water or another nonalcoholic beverage can help you slow down and stay hydrated. If you still wind up with a hangover, you may be inclined to try one of the many supposedly tried-and-true remedies.
Here's my first issue. Why start an article that is obviously geared toward people who enjoy drinking by telling them they can avoid a hangover by not drinking. I'm no Columbo (did I just date this post?), but I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever had a hangover understands what caused it, yet that didn't stop them from drinking again. Besides, no one gets a hangover from anything else, except perhaps White Castle and roofies.
However, traditional hangover remedies are often ineffective, and some of them may actually make you feel worse.
This sentence should have been my key to stop reading. It's as if the author, whose name couldn't be found anywhere near the article, gave up before the first remedy was unveiled.
Hair of the Dog
Even though the thought of a Bloody Mary may appeal to you, a Virgin Mary is a much better choice the morning after. "The worst thing to do is to have another drink," says Charles Cutler, MD, an internist in Norristown, Pa., and the chair of the American College of Physicians' board of governors.
The alcohol may temporarily help your symptoms but could hurt in the long run. Hangovers make you feel horrible because alcohol is toxic, Dr. Cutler explains, and you need to give your body a chance to recover. That morning drink could lead to an even worse hangover the following day.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, so you're telling me that eating dog hair the next morning is NOT going to cure a hangover?! Plus, the substance that caused my hangover is NOT the cure either? What a-hole wrote this garbage? First of all, dehydration and withdrawal are the main causes of hangovers. So, yes, in theory a drink the next morning will temper the pain, but it won't cure it. I typically have a Bloody Mary after a night of drinking and it certainly helps. Now, if I had a Bloody Mary and a 12-pack of Schlitz, my guess is I'll be hurting a little more the next day. Wait, but then couldn't I just cure that hangover with two Bloody Mary's and 24 cans of PBR the morning after that?
Greasy Breakfast
There's no scientific evidence that a heaping helping of bacon and eggs will ease hangover anguish, even though many people swear by it. "Greasy food is just going to give you heartburn," says Dr. Cutler, who recommends sticking with easy-to-digest foods such as toast or cereal. "You want to get calories right back into your system."
Eat light and stay hydrated, agrees John Brick, PhD, an alcohol research scientist and author of The Doctor's Hangover Handbook. "No specific foods are recommended, although honey sandwiches are helpful to some people," Brick says.
If I go out drinking with you and I find out the next day that you're eating a honey sandwich, you're getting an automatic dick punch. I don't think anyone eats a burrito the size of their head because they honestly think it'll cure their hangover. They eat that Mexican behemoth because they feel like shit and sometimes all that helps is a shitty burrito. Alcohol research scientist? You should be ashamed of yourself. I didn't realize we were just making up job titles. If that's the case, then I'm Master Doctor of Professional Booby Touching.
Alka-Seltzer
Alka-Seltzer turned 80 in 2011, and the famous fizzy medicine has probably been used to treat hangovers for nearly that long. In 2001, the company even introduced a Morning Relief formulation specifically for hangovers.
All Alka-Seltzer varieties contain sodium bicarbonate (also known as baking soda), which will help settle a queasy belly by neutralizing stomach acid. Still, other ingredients, notably aspirin and citric acid, may irritate your stomach after a night of heavy drinking.
So you're telling me the old jingle, "Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is" is a lie? Bullshit. Since when do commercial jingles ever lie to us? Plus, I recently tried this after a night of hanging out with alcoholic girlfriend's little brother, Abracadaniel (He's not a practicing magician, yet, but he does have to shop at the oversize-armhole store), and it definitely helped temper the pain. So, suck on that alcohol research scientists.
Hangover Pills
There are lots of hangover "cures" in a bottle out there—such as Chaser, PreToxx, and RU 21—but very little evidence to back up claims. "Hangover pills that have been studied are not effective, or only help against a few complaints…but not all," says Joris C. Verster, PhD, an assistant professor of psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, who studies hangovers.
A 2005 review article in the journal BMJ identified eight peer-reviewed, placebo-controlled studies of hangover remedies, and concluded that "no compelling evidence exists" to support their use.
Dr. Cutler suggests taking a multivitamin instead to restore the nutrients your body may have lost during a binge.
Well, this is the first intelligent thing this article has suggested.
Coffee
If you're a regular coffee drinker, skipping java when you're hungover may—or may not—be a good idea, Brick says. You may wind up layering a pounding caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of your hangover woes when you miss your regular morning fix.
That said, caffeine narrows your blood vessels and boosts blood pressure. "Both of these may make the hangover worse," Brick says. "If you drink coffee regularly, you might try a very small amount in the morning. Wait 30 to 60 minutes and see how you feel."
What kind of advice is this? Hey, if you're a heroine user go ahead and have a just little this morning, we don't want you to get the shakes AND be hungover because that would really suck. However, if you're not a heroine addict, try drinking some water instead.
Water and Sports Drinks
Conventional wisdom holds that the dehydration caused by heavy drinking is what makes you feel so sick the next day. In fact, experts actually know very little about what causes a hangover. Potential culprits include disrupted biological rhythms or even alcohol withdrawal, and research suggests that congeners—toxic substances found in alcohol, especially dark liquors such as whiskey—may also play a role.
Nevertheless, replacing the fluid you've lost will likely help you feel a little less miserable. "Juice, water, Gatorade, all those things—they're going to make you feel better," says Dr. Cutler.
OK, it was obvious within the first few sentences of this article that the author wasn't quite sure what a hangover is, but to blatantly write that the experts you're using for this article actually know very little about the subject is kind of like calling yourself an alcohol research scientist. It's just dumb.
Take Pain Relievers
For women who have PMS-related pain such as cramping, breast tenderness, backaches, or headaches, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory pain relievers (NSAIDs) can provide some relief.
These include ibuprofen (Advil and similar drugs) and naproxen (Aleve).
Or you can try over-the-counter remedies specifically aimed at PMS like Pamprin and Midol. These often combine some sort of pain reliever with caffeine.
Hmm, that's very helpful...if you're a woman with PMS. What the hell does that have anything to do with hangovers or even hangover cures? Taking a pain reliever helps. Writing about a woman with tender breasts does not. Sure, it's arousing (just kidding, mom), but what does that have to do with the topic of this article. Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the article just state that only a heroine addict should be drinking coffee? Shit, get your facts straight.
Exercise
A gentle workout could help you feel better, if you can manage it (and that's a big if).
"Remember: If you've been drinking heavily, you could be a little dehydrated, you could be metabolically behind on your nutrition, and exercise is going to require hydration and nutrition," Dr. Cutler says.
"Exercise is always the right thing to do, but I don't think [on] the morning you wake up with a hangover, exercise is what you need." What you really need is rest, he adds.
Listen, if you can exercise after a night of heavy drinking, you're either a functioning alcoholic on steroids, or you didn't drink enough the night before.
Sauna
Think you can "sweat out" the alcohol and other toxins you may have consumed during a night of partying? Think again. A sauna can cause potentially dangerous blood vessel and blood flow changes in your body. "The last thing you need is to disrupt the normal blood-flow patterns by extreme heat," Dr. Cutler says.
If you're already somewhat dehydrated, excessive sweating can be harmful, and even deadly. Researchers from the Finnish State Alcohol Company's Research Laboratories, in Helsinki, warn that sauna bathing while hung over carries "real health risks," including dangerous drops in blood pressure and abnormal heart rhythms.
This article should have been titled, "10 Dumb Things to Do When You're Hungover."
Sleep
People sleep poorly after a night of drinking. Alcohol will put you to sleep quickly, but when it begins to wear off several hours later, the withdrawal your body feels can disrupt sleep and jolt you awake. Although sleep deprivation won't by itself cause a hangover, it definitely can make the symptoms feel worse.
If you have the luxury of "sleeping it off" the next day, do so. Your foggy brain and achy body will thank you. "The body's got an amazing capacity to heal on its own," says Dr. Cutler.
In the end, the only surefire treatment for a hangover is time.
Thanks for tricking me into reading this piece of garbage. Through this article I found out that anyone can be a scientist, women have tender boobies after drinking heavily, heroine is OK, only if you're already a heroine addict, burritos don't cure health problems, but they DO taste delicious, and Bloody Mary's with alcohol in them are considered sluts compared to their goody, goody, two shoes cousin, virgin Bloody Mary.
10 Hangover Remedies: What Works?
The only way to avoid a pounding head and queasiness the morning after is to drink in moderation, or to stay away from alcohol entirely. But with all sorts of seasonal celebrations going on, it's easy to overindulge
Alternating your drinks with water or another nonalcoholic beverage can help you slow down and stay hydrated. If you still wind up with a hangover, you may be inclined to try one of the many supposedly tried-and-true remedies.
Here's my first issue. Why start an article that is obviously geared toward people who enjoy drinking by telling them they can avoid a hangover by not drinking. I'm no Columbo (did I just date this post?), but I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever had a hangover understands what caused it, yet that didn't stop them from drinking again. Besides, no one gets a hangover from anything else, except perhaps White Castle and roofies.
However, traditional hangover remedies are often ineffective, and some of them may actually make you feel worse.
This sentence should have been my key to stop reading. It's as if the author, whose name couldn't be found anywhere near the article, gave up before the first remedy was unveiled.
Hair of the Dog
Even though the thought of a Bloody Mary may appeal to you, a Virgin Mary is a much better choice the morning after. "The worst thing to do is to have another drink," says Charles Cutler, MD, an internist in Norristown, Pa., and the chair of the American College of Physicians' board of governors.
The alcohol may temporarily help your symptoms but could hurt in the long run. Hangovers make you feel horrible because alcohol is toxic, Dr. Cutler explains, and you need to give your body a chance to recover. That morning drink could lead to an even worse hangover the following day.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, so you're telling me that eating dog hair the next morning is NOT going to cure a hangover?! Plus, the substance that caused my hangover is NOT the cure either? What a-hole wrote this garbage? First of all, dehydration and withdrawal are the main causes of hangovers. So, yes, in theory a drink the next morning will temper the pain, but it won't cure it. I typically have a Bloody Mary after a night of drinking and it certainly helps. Now, if I had a Bloody Mary and a 12-pack of Schlitz, my guess is I'll be hurting a little more the next day. Wait, but then couldn't I just cure that hangover with two Bloody Mary's and 24 cans of PBR the morning after that?
Greasy Breakfast
There's no scientific evidence that a heaping helping of bacon and eggs will ease hangover anguish, even though many people swear by it. "Greasy food is just going to give you heartburn," says Dr. Cutler, who recommends sticking with easy-to-digest foods such as toast or cereal. "You want to get calories right back into your system."
Eat light and stay hydrated, agrees John Brick, PhD, an alcohol research scientist and author of The Doctor's Hangover Handbook. "No specific foods are recommended, although honey sandwiches are helpful to some people," Brick says.
If I go out drinking with you and I find out the next day that you're eating a honey sandwich, you're getting an automatic dick punch. I don't think anyone eats a burrito the size of their head because they honestly think it'll cure their hangover. They eat that Mexican behemoth because they feel like shit and sometimes all that helps is a shitty burrito. Alcohol research scientist? You should be ashamed of yourself. I didn't realize we were just making up job titles. If that's the case, then I'm Master Doctor of Professional Booby Touching.
Alka-Seltzer
Alka-Seltzer turned 80 in 2011, and the famous fizzy medicine has probably been used to treat hangovers for nearly that long. In 2001, the company even introduced a Morning Relief formulation specifically for hangovers.
All Alka-Seltzer varieties contain sodium bicarbonate (also known as baking soda), which will help settle a queasy belly by neutralizing stomach acid. Still, other ingredients, notably aspirin and citric acid, may irritate your stomach after a night of heavy drinking.
So you're telling me the old jingle, "Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is" is a lie? Bullshit. Since when do commercial jingles ever lie to us? Plus, I recently tried this after a night of hanging out with alcoholic girlfriend's little brother, Abracadaniel (He's not a practicing magician, yet, but he does have to shop at the oversize-armhole store), and it definitely helped temper the pain. So, suck on that alcohol research scientists.
Hangover Pills
There are lots of hangover "cures" in a bottle out there—such as Chaser, PreToxx, and RU 21—but very little evidence to back up claims. "Hangover pills that have been studied are not effective, or only help against a few complaints…but not all," says Joris C. Verster, PhD, an assistant professor of psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, who studies hangovers.
A 2005 review article in the journal BMJ identified eight peer-reviewed, placebo-controlled studies of hangover remedies, and concluded that "no compelling evidence exists" to support their use.
Dr. Cutler suggests taking a multivitamin instead to restore the nutrients your body may have lost during a binge.
Well, this is the first intelligent thing this article has suggested.
Coffee
If you're a regular coffee drinker, skipping java when you're hungover may—or may not—be a good idea, Brick says. You may wind up layering a pounding caffeine-withdrawal headache on top of your hangover woes when you miss your regular morning fix.
That said, caffeine narrows your blood vessels and boosts blood pressure. "Both of these may make the hangover worse," Brick says. "If you drink coffee regularly, you might try a very small amount in the morning. Wait 30 to 60 minutes and see how you feel."
What kind of advice is this? Hey, if you're a heroine user go ahead and have a just little this morning, we don't want you to get the shakes AND be hungover because that would really suck. However, if you're not a heroine addict, try drinking some water instead.
Water and Sports Drinks
Conventional wisdom holds that the dehydration caused by heavy drinking is what makes you feel so sick the next day. In fact, experts actually know very little about what causes a hangover. Potential culprits include disrupted biological rhythms or even alcohol withdrawal, and research suggests that congeners—toxic substances found in alcohol, especially dark liquors such as whiskey—may also play a role.
Nevertheless, replacing the fluid you've lost will likely help you feel a little less miserable. "Juice, water, Gatorade, all those things—they're going to make you feel better," says Dr. Cutler.
OK, it was obvious within the first few sentences of this article that the author wasn't quite sure what a hangover is, but to blatantly write that the experts you're using for this article actually know very little about the subject is kind of like calling yourself an alcohol research scientist. It's just dumb.
Take Pain Relievers
For women who have PMS-related pain such as cramping, breast tenderness, backaches, or headaches, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory pain relievers (NSAIDs) can provide some relief.
These include ibuprofen (Advil and similar drugs) and naproxen (Aleve).
Or you can try over-the-counter remedies specifically aimed at PMS like Pamprin and Midol. These often combine some sort of pain reliever with caffeine.
Hmm, that's very helpful...if you're a woman with PMS. What the hell does that have anything to do with hangovers or even hangover cures? Taking a pain reliever helps. Writing about a woman with tender breasts does not. Sure, it's arousing (just kidding, mom), but what does that have to do with the topic of this article. Plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the article just state that only a heroine addict should be drinking coffee? Shit, get your facts straight.
Exercise
A gentle workout could help you feel better, if you can manage it (and that's a big if).
"Remember: If you've been drinking heavily, you could be a little dehydrated, you could be metabolically behind on your nutrition, and exercise is going to require hydration and nutrition," Dr. Cutler says.
"Exercise is always the right thing to do, but I don't think [on] the morning you wake up with a hangover, exercise is what you need." What you really need is rest, he adds.
Listen, if you can exercise after a night of heavy drinking, you're either a functioning alcoholic on steroids, or you didn't drink enough the night before.
Sauna
Think you can "sweat out" the alcohol and other toxins you may have consumed during a night of partying? Think again. A sauna can cause potentially dangerous blood vessel and blood flow changes in your body. "The last thing you need is to disrupt the normal blood-flow patterns by extreme heat," Dr. Cutler says.
If you're already somewhat dehydrated, excessive sweating can be harmful, and even deadly. Researchers from the Finnish State Alcohol Company's Research Laboratories, in Helsinki, warn that sauna bathing while hung over carries "real health risks," including dangerous drops in blood pressure and abnormal heart rhythms.
This article should have been titled, "10 Dumb Things to Do When You're Hungover."
Sleep
People sleep poorly after a night of drinking. Alcohol will put you to sleep quickly, but when it begins to wear off several hours later, the withdrawal your body feels can disrupt sleep and jolt you awake. Although sleep deprivation won't by itself cause a hangover, it definitely can make the symptoms feel worse.
If you have the luxury of "sleeping it off" the next day, do so. Your foggy brain and achy body will thank you. "The body's got an amazing capacity to heal on its own," says Dr. Cutler.
In the end, the only surefire treatment for a hangover is time.
Thanks for tricking me into reading this piece of garbage. Through this article I found out that anyone can be a scientist, women have tender boobies after drinking heavily, heroine is OK, only if you're already a heroine addict, burritos don't cure health problems, but they DO taste delicious, and Bloody Mary's with alcohol in them are considered sluts compared to their goody, goody, two shoes cousin, virgin Bloody Mary.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy 2012 and a Free T-shirt to You Too!
Well, folks, after a hard push to reach the top (the top being 100 "likes" on our Facebook fan page), I'm proud to say that not only did we accomplish the goal we set out for, but we pulled a Sylvester Stallone and went "Over the Top," with an impressive 101. I wish I could attribute this win to all the arm wrestling exercises I've been performing in the weeks leading up to New Year's Day, but the truth is we could not have done this without the help of all of you who "liked" us, even if "tolerate" or "indifferent" may be better words to describe your feelings toward us.
In addition to having gained quite a few new fans on Facebook, we also escaped the disgusting fate of having to lick white dog shit, which pretty much feels like winning to me. Even though our parents are still not entirely proud of us, I can tell through their drunken stares that they definitely didn't want to beat us with a bag of oranges, at least not at the moment, which is a huge step up in our relationship. Now without further ado, the winner of the FREE t-shirt, which was chosen at random, is Heather Puzig-Shubert. Congratulations! Through random choice, and a little luck I'm sure, you've been chosen to receive a free t-shirt from ScapeGoat Ink. First, let me warn you that with this t-shirt comes a fountain of newly gained powers, such as: 1. Respect. People will respect your clothing choices, which in turn will result in you climbing the ladder of success...one-handed. 2. Attractiveness. This t-shirt will automatically make you appear more attractive to human beings. Trust us, it's science. 3. Athleticism. You'll be able to run faster, jump higher, and do more pushups than Will Ferrell can do in one minute. 4. Friendship. With this t-shirt you are forever (yes, forever) bound in a friendship with ScapeGoat Ink, whether you want it or not. Word to the wise, restraining orders do not work on us. They just don't.
To claim your FREE t-shirt please shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com with "Facebook T-shirt Winner" in the subject line. Please include your desired t-shirt size, along with your address, social security number, what hospital you were born at, and four major credit card numbers. I'm just kidding; we don't need to know your t-shirt size. I kid, I kid; it's what I do. Send us your t-shirt size and address and we'll ship it out to you as soon as possible. Thanks again for helping us reach our goal. Cheers!
In addition to having gained quite a few new fans on Facebook, we also escaped the disgusting fate of having to lick white dog shit, which pretty much feels like winning to me. Even though our parents are still not entirely proud of us, I can tell through their drunken stares that they definitely didn't want to beat us with a bag of oranges, at least not at the moment, which is a huge step up in our relationship. Now without further ado, the winner of the FREE t-shirt, which was chosen at random, is Heather Puzig-Shubert. Congratulations! Through random choice, and a little luck I'm sure, you've been chosen to receive a free t-shirt from ScapeGoat Ink. First, let me warn you that with this t-shirt comes a fountain of newly gained powers, such as: 1. Respect. People will respect your clothing choices, which in turn will result in you climbing the ladder of success...one-handed. 2. Attractiveness. This t-shirt will automatically make you appear more attractive to human beings. Trust us, it's science. 3. Athleticism. You'll be able to run faster, jump higher, and do more pushups than Will Ferrell can do in one minute. 4. Friendship. With this t-shirt you are forever (yes, forever) bound in a friendship with ScapeGoat Ink, whether you want it or not. Word to the wise, restraining orders do not work on us. They just don't.
To claim your FREE t-shirt please shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com with "Facebook T-shirt Winner" in the subject line. Please include your desired t-shirt size, along with your address, social security number, what hospital you were born at, and four major credit card numbers. I'm just kidding; we don't need to know your t-shirt size. I kid, I kid; it's what I do. Send us your t-shirt size and address and we'll ship it out to you as soon as possible. Thanks again for helping us reach our goal. Cheers!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy New Year's Eve 2011!
May you all have a wonderful evening with good family, close friends, loved ones, and plenty of booze to share between all of you. Let's make 2012 everything that 2011 wasn't and more. Also, if you enjoy this blog then please "like" our Facebook fan page. Every person who "likes" us will get entered into a drawing to win a FREE t-shirt. The winner will be chosen at random on New Year's day and we'll announce their name on Monday.
Don't be a science hater. Besides, really smart scientists wouldn't lie, it's against the Hippopotamus oath they take upon graduating from smart scientist school. Thanks for the support, Terese! We'll drink several dozen for you tonight! Now do your part and "like" us on Facebook here. Boom.
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New Year's Eve Weekend Happenings 2011
Happy eve of New Year's Eve! We're one step closer to a new year and one step further from one of the worst years yet. Since many of you may be scurrying around trying to find last minute plans for New Year's Eve, I figured I'd lend a hand and offer some suggestions that I found on the ever helpful Time Out Chicago website for fun ways to ring in 2012. Also, Will Livesley-O'Neill had a solid list of NYE parties to attend on TOC's website, which I edited and reposted a few of his suggestions below. To read his full, unedited article, click here.
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTIES:
A Starry New Year's Eve Hard Rock Hotel. 8pm, $140 and up. Headlined by cover band The Gold Coast All-Stars and featuring DJ sets from Chris Masterson and Timbuck2, Lupe Fiasco's DJ. Tickets include premium open bar.
Chicago NYE Ball Rosemont Ballroom. 9pm, $40 and up. Featuring a DJ set from Lil Jon. DJ entertainment across three rooms, casino, VIP access to open bar.
Everyone's Famous Enclave. 9pm, $95 and up. Hollywood-themed party with red carpet and paparazzi experience, includes cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, gift bag, premium open bar and champagne and appetizer buffer until 1:30am.
Prohibition Dinner and Classic Cocktail Party In Fine Spirits. 6pm, $70 and up for dinner, $25 and up for cocktail party. A four-course meal inspired by the cuisine of the Prohibition Era from chef Marianne Sundquist; cocktail party features raffle.
Ring in 2012 Hyatt Regency O'Hare. 8:30pm, $75. With music from Modern Day Romeos and Jaktripper, dance club featuring DJ-Spin and Tony Ocean performing in Red Bar. Includes open bar and fantasy casino.
Roaring 20s NYE Moonshine Brewing Company. 8pm, $100. Speakeasy-themed party with open bar featuring 20s-era cocktails and Moonshine beer, dinner buffet from executive chef Matthew Wilde, DJs Ryan Ross and Greg Bauer. You’ll wake up wishing for Prohibition to make a comeback.
New Year’s Eve Rock ‘n’ Roll Ball at Intercontinental O’Hare. 8pm, $75 and up. Whether you want to rock out to some serious '80s music, get down with old-fashioned rock 'n' roll or bump and grind to house, you’re covered at the Intercontinental. They’ve got three rooms, three different styles of music and all the alcohol you can drink with a four-hour open bar.
Carnivale New year’s Eve Cabaret. 7:30, for reservations call (312) 850-5005. If you’re looking to spice up 2011’s New Year’s Eve (who isn’t?), check out Carnivale’s festivities. With a DJ, drag queen, stilt walker, contortionist, burlesque performers and more, you’re sure to make a New Year’s you’ll remember, at least in bits and pieces.
New Year’s Eve at the Ritz-Carlton
Ritz-Carlton, Deca restaurant. Seating at 8:30pm, $195 per person, for reservations call 312-573-5083. Tired of eating Chinese food and drinking cheap beer on New Year’s? Get off the couch and ring in 2012 with some class at Deca, where you can celebrate with a seafood bar, dry-aged rib eye, foie gras, truffles and 17 deserts. If that doesn’t get you moving, there’s dancing and drinking, starting with a free glass of champagne.
Chicago Cut Steakhouse New Year's Eve 2011. For reservations, call (312) 329-1800. Chicago Cut Steakhouse is already taking reservations for NYE, for meals up until 1:30am on the big night. There will be a surf and turf special ($65) with 30-day aged prime filet Mignon with two Tristan lobster tails. Jazz vocalist Typhanie Monique will entertain diners from 9pm-1am. A complimentary champagne toast at midnight will be accompanied by a balloon drop and dancing. Call to make reservations.
Angela Eve and the Flat Iron presents: 2012 Metropolis Ball
It’s burlesque galore at Wicker Park’s Flat Iron bar. More than a dozen starlets take the stage, including Angela Eve, New Orleans’ Nona Narcisse, Maya Sinstress and Miss Vine. Live bands provide the soundtrack to stripping and peeling. Dress the part or take cues from an on-site pinup stylist; a costume contest awards the best dressed. The Flat Iron, 1565 N Milwaukee Ave (metropolisballchicago2012.com). 8pm–5am; $35, advance $30.
Blue Tie New Year’s Eve
End the year on a high note at Blue Frog’s karaoke party. The bar recommends creative blue dress and a willingness to make an ass out of yourself onstage. Appetizers (before 11pm), party favors and a midnight Champagne toast round out the fun. Blue Frog’s Local 22, 22 E Hubbard St (312-527-1200, local22bluetieevent.eventbrite.com). 9pm–2am. $25, advance $20; after 11pm $10.
NEW YEAR'S EVE COMEDY SPECIALS:
Chuckle Bowl Spectacular
The Lincoln Lodge continues to corner the market on off-kilter New Year’s parties. Join comedians Adam Burke, Danny Kallas, Dan Ronan, Junior Stopka and Liza Treyger for a night of jokes, plus 12 lanes of open bowling, music by DJ Bubbles Sanchez and a midnight Miller High Life toast. Lincoln Square Lanes, 4874 N Lincoln Ave (773-561-8191). 9pm. $35, in advance $30.
iO’s Interactive New Year’s Eve
iO has a whole smorgasbord of improv-y type things happening, starting with Whirled News Tonight’s Year in Review in the Del Close Theater, followed by the Cupid Players. But it’s downstairs in the Cabaret where we want to join some of its most talented improvisers for interactive games and sets featuring the audience. Yes, the later shows include party favors and a Champagne toast. iO, 3541 N Clark St (773-880-0199). 8, 10:30pm. $25 per show.
We’re pHucked
pH Productions’ “We’re pHucked: Kickass End of the World New Year’s Eve Party” looks the Mayan calendar straight in the eye and says, “pHuck you!” The folks at pHrenzy perform their late-night raunch fest against a backdrop of raffle prizes, endless booze, dancing, games, a Champagne toast and more. Studio BE, 3110 N Sheffield Ave (773-732-5450). 10pm. $40.
NEW YEAR'S EVE DRINK PACKAGES:
Bangers & Lace (1670 W Division St, 773-252-6499)
Skip the NYE BS with Champagne-style beers, passed apps and a High Life toast at midnight. Free
The Orbit Room (2959 N California Ave, 773-588-8540)
$2 PBR, $1 tequila shots, a smoking tent and—yes—classy attire is encouraged. Free
People Lounge (1560 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-227-9339, 9pm–1am).
Wine, sangria, cocktails and beer are included in the drink package. (A four-course dinner is $50 extra.) Free bottle of Champagne for advance-booked groups of six or more. $50
D’Noche (2714 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-289-4274, 10pm–3am)
A three-course dinner is followed by a three-hour open bar, a midnight toast, DJ, and salsa, merengue and Latin dancing. Reservations required. $65
Lottie’s Pub (1925 W Cortland Ave, 773-489-0738, 8pm–1am)
This five-hour package includes pizza, party favors and premium drinks. Tickets at lottiespub.com/promos. $65
The Pony (1638 W Belmont Ave, 773-828-5055, 8pm–1am)
Live DJ, premium drink package, appetizer buffet, Champagne toast—you know the deal. Tickets at theponychicago.com/promos. $75
The Scout (1301 S Wabash Ave, 312-705-0595)
Five-hour package includes a buffet, Champagne toast, premium drinks and a DJ. $75
Division Ale House (1942 W Division St, 773-384-6886, 8pm–1am)
DJs spin, there’s an open bar and a midnight toast, and you best stop drinking at 1am (after which it’s a cash bar). Groups of eight who purchase in advance receive Champagne. $80
The Irish Oak (3511 N Clark St, 9pm–3am)
The pub’s package includes live music by Robbie Gold in one room, DJ Johnny Rockets in another, a buffet, beer and a chance to take a photo with a leprechaun. $80
Roots Handmade Pizza (1924 W Chicago Ave, 773-645-4949)
From 8pm–2am, there’s an open bar. From 8–11pm, there’s a buffet of Roots’ pizza, appetizers and salad. And at midnight, there’s Champagne. (Shots not included.) $80
Frontier (1072 N Milwaukee Ave, 9pm–1am)
You have four hours to indulge in a smoked whole-animal buffet. A DJ and drink package will help sustain you. $95
Theory (9 W Hubbard St, 312-644-0004, 8pm–1am)
Five hours of premium open bar, passed hors d’oeuvres, a Champagne toast and tunes from a DJ. Tickets at theorychicagonye.eventbrite.com. $95
Derby (1224 W Webster Ave, 9pm–3am)
Be among the first to check out this new tavern, which is rocking NYE with passed appetizers and draft beer. Contact shawn@derbychicago.com. $100
Jack’s Bar & Grill (2856 N Southport Ave, 9pm–3am)
The buffet features a carving station, the beer includes Heineken, and the package includes a Champagne toast at midnight. $100
Rebar (401 N Wabash Ave, 312-588-8030, 9pm–2am)
“There’s no place like Trump” at this Land of Oz–themed NYE event, which offers the choice of a tower of sweets or sushi. Reservations: 312-588-8114. $112+
WHERE SCAPEGOAT INK IS CELEBRATING NYE WITH ALCOHOLIC GIRLFRIEND:
Bottle & Bottega, 2900 N Lincoln Ave (773-313-9133). 8pm
So you want bottle service all night on NYE, but you don't want to pay an arm and a leg for it (Trust me, Bottle & Bottega, like most places, don't want to be paid in limbs either)? Be your own bottle service and drink as much as you can carry at B&B, a BYOB art studio. It provides fun, painting, a buffet featuring Mexican food, and a live band. Don't worry, even if B&B is fully booked for NYE, you can always check out their event calendar or book your own private party today!
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTIES:
A Starry New Year's Eve Hard Rock Hotel. 8pm, $140 and up. Headlined by cover band The Gold Coast All-Stars and featuring DJ sets from Chris Masterson and Timbuck2, Lupe Fiasco's DJ. Tickets include premium open bar.
Chicago NYE Ball Rosemont Ballroom. 9pm, $40 and up. Featuring a DJ set from Lil Jon. DJ entertainment across three rooms, casino, VIP access to open bar.
Everyone's Famous Enclave. 9pm, $95 and up. Hollywood-themed party with red carpet and paparazzi experience, includes cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, gift bag, premium open bar and champagne and appetizer buffer until 1:30am.
Prohibition Dinner and Classic Cocktail Party In Fine Spirits. 6pm, $70 and up for dinner, $25 and up for cocktail party. A four-course meal inspired by the cuisine of the Prohibition Era from chef Marianne Sundquist; cocktail party features raffle.
Ring in 2012 Hyatt Regency O'Hare. 8:30pm, $75. With music from Modern Day Romeos and Jaktripper, dance club featuring DJ-Spin and Tony Ocean performing in Red Bar. Includes open bar and fantasy casino.
Roaring 20s NYE Moonshine Brewing Company. 8pm, $100. Speakeasy-themed party with open bar featuring 20s-era cocktails and Moonshine beer, dinner buffet from executive chef Matthew Wilde, DJs Ryan Ross and Greg Bauer. You’ll wake up wishing for Prohibition to make a comeback.
New Year’s Eve Rock ‘n’ Roll Ball at Intercontinental O’Hare. 8pm, $75 and up. Whether you want to rock out to some serious '80s music, get down with old-fashioned rock 'n' roll or bump and grind to house, you’re covered at the Intercontinental. They’ve got three rooms, three different styles of music and all the alcohol you can drink with a four-hour open bar.
Carnivale New year’s Eve Cabaret. 7:30, for reservations call (312) 850-5005. If you’re looking to spice up 2011’s New Year’s Eve (who isn’t?), check out Carnivale’s festivities. With a DJ, drag queen, stilt walker, contortionist, burlesque performers and more, you’re sure to make a New Year’s you’ll remember, at least in bits and pieces.
New Year’s Eve at the Ritz-Carlton
Ritz-Carlton, Deca restaurant. Seating at 8:30pm, $195 per person, for reservations call 312-573-5083. Tired of eating Chinese food and drinking cheap beer on New Year’s? Get off the couch and ring in 2012 with some class at Deca, where you can celebrate with a seafood bar, dry-aged rib eye, foie gras, truffles and 17 deserts. If that doesn’t get you moving, there’s dancing and drinking, starting with a free glass of champagne.
Chicago Cut Steakhouse New Year's Eve 2011. For reservations, call (312) 329-1800. Chicago Cut Steakhouse is already taking reservations for NYE, for meals up until 1:30am on the big night. There will be a surf and turf special ($65) with 30-day aged prime filet Mignon with two Tristan lobster tails. Jazz vocalist Typhanie Monique will entertain diners from 9pm-1am. A complimentary champagne toast at midnight will be accompanied by a balloon drop and dancing. Call to make reservations.
Angela Eve and the Flat Iron presents: 2012 Metropolis Ball
It’s burlesque galore at Wicker Park’s Flat Iron bar. More than a dozen starlets take the stage, including Angela Eve, New Orleans’ Nona Narcisse, Maya Sinstress and Miss Vine. Live bands provide the soundtrack to stripping and peeling. Dress the part or take cues from an on-site pinup stylist; a costume contest awards the best dressed. The Flat Iron, 1565 N Milwaukee Ave (metropolisballchicago2012.com). 8pm–5am; $35, advance $30.
Blue Tie New Year’s Eve
End the year on a high note at Blue Frog’s karaoke party. The bar recommends creative blue dress and a willingness to make an ass out of yourself onstage. Appetizers (before 11pm), party favors and a midnight Champagne toast round out the fun. Blue Frog’s Local 22, 22 E Hubbard St (312-527-1200, local22bluetieevent.eventbrite.com). 9pm–2am. $25, advance $20; after 11pm $10.
NEW YEAR'S EVE COMEDY SPECIALS:
Chuckle Bowl Spectacular
The Lincoln Lodge continues to corner the market on off-kilter New Year’s parties. Join comedians Adam Burke, Danny Kallas, Dan Ronan, Junior Stopka and Liza Treyger for a night of jokes, plus 12 lanes of open bowling, music by DJ Bubbles Sanchez and a midnight Miller High Life toast. Lincoln Square Lanes, 4874 N Lincoln Ave (773-561-8191). 9pm. $35, in advance $30.
iO’s Interactive New Year’s Eve
iO has a whole smorgasbord of improv-y type things happening, starting with Whirled News Tonight’s Year in Review in the Del Close Theater, followed by the Cupid Players. But it’s downstairs in the Cabaret where we want to join some of its most talented improvisers for interactive games and sets featuring the audience. Yes, the later shows include party favors and a Champagne toast. iO, 3541 N Clark St (773-880-0199). 8, 10:30pm. $25 per show.
We’re pHucked
pH Productions’ “We’re pHucked: Kickass End of the World New Year’s Eve Party” looks the Mayan calendar straight in the eye and says, “pHuck you!” The folks at pHrenzy perform their late-night raunch fest against a backdrop of raffle prizes, endless booze, dancing, games, a Champagne toast and more. Studio BE, 3110 N Sheffield Ave (773-732-5450). 10pm. $40.
NEW YEAR'S EVE DRINK PACKAGES:
Bangers & Lace (1670 W Division St, 773-252-6499)
Skip the NYE BS with Champagne-style beers, passed apps and a High Life toast at midnight. Free
The Orbit Room (2959 N California Ave, 773-588-8540)
$2 PBR, $1 tequila shots, a smoking tent and—yes—classy attire is encouraged. Free
People Lounge (1560 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-227-9339, 9pm–1am).
Wine, sangria, cocktails and beer are included in the drink package. (A four-course dinner is $50 extra.) Free bottle of Champagne for advance-booked groups of six or more. $50
D’Noche (2714 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-289-4274, 10pm–3am)
A three-course dinner is followed by a three-hour open bar, a midnight toast, DJ, and salsa, merengue and Latin dancing. Reservations required. $65
Lottie’s Pub (1925 W Cortland Ave, 773-489-0738, 8pm–1am)
This five-hour package includes pizza, party favors and premium drinks. Tickets at lottiespub.com/promos. $65
The Pony (1638 W Belmont Ave, 773-828-5055, 8pm–1am)
Live DJ, premium drink package, appetizer buffet, Champagne toast—you know the deal. Tickets at theponychicago.com/promos. $75
The Scout (1301 S Wabash Ave, 312-705-0595)
Five-hour package includes a buffet, Champagne toast, premium drinks and a DJ. $75
Division Ale House (1942 W Division St, 773-384-6886, 8pm–1am)
DJs spin, there’s an open bar and a midnight toast, and you best stop drinking at 1am (after which it’s a cash bar). Groups of eight who purchase in advance receive Champagne. $80
The Irish Oak (3511 N Clark St, 9pm–3am)
The pub’s package includes live music by Robbie Gold in one room, DJ Johnny Rockets in another, a buffet, beer and a chance to take a photo with a leprechaun. $80
Roots Handmade Pizza (1924 W Chicago Ave, 773-645-4949)
From 8pm–2am, there’s an open bar. From 8–11pm, there’s a buffet of Roots’ pizza, appetizers and salad. And at midnight, there’s Champagne. (Shots not included.) $80
Frontier (1072 N Milwaukee Ave, 9pm–1am)
You have four hours to indulge in a smoked whole-animal buffet. A DJ and drink package will help sustain you. $95
Theory (9 W Hubbard St, 312-644-0004, 8pm–1am)
Five hours of premium open bar, passed hors d’oeuvres, a Champagne toast and tunes from a DJ. Tickets at theorychicagonye.eventbrite.com. $95
Derby (1224 W Webster Ave, 9pm–3am)
Be among the first to check out this new tavern, which is rocking NYE with passed appetizers and draft beer. Contact shawn@derbychicago.com. $100
Jack’s Bar & Grill (2856 N Southport Ave, 9pm–3am)
The buffet features a carving station, the beer includes Heineken, and the package includes a Champagne toast at midnight. $100
Rebar (401 N Wabash Ave, 312-588-8030, 9pm–2am)
“There’s no place like Trump” at this Land of Oz–themed NYE event, which offers the choice of a tower of sweets or sushi. Reservations: 312-588-8114. $112+
WHERE SCAPEGOAT INK IS CELEBRATING NYE WITH ALCOHOLIC GIRLFRIEND:
Bottle & Bottega, 2900 N Lincoln Ave (773-313-9133). 8pm
So you want bottle service all night on NYE, but you don't want to pay an arm and a leg for it (Trust me, Bottle & Bottega, like most places, don't want to be paid in limbs either)? Be your own bottle service and drink as much as you can carry at B&B, a BYOB art studio. It provides fun, painting, a buffet featuring Mexican food, and a live band. Don't worry, even if B&B is fully booked for NYE, you can always check out their event calendar or book your own private party today!
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Old Rasputin--Crazy Monk or Russian Imperial Stout?
I apologize for posting this so late in the day, but my computadora was being quite the whore this morning. It was all like, "I'm tired. I was up late last night looking at porn. I have no energy today. I feel alone, like I just can't make a connection. *cough, cough* I think I might be coming down with a virus." Well, one slap to the monitor and a shot of penicillin later and it seems to be working...for now.
Last night, I drank Old Rasputin, a Russian Imperial Stout brewed by the California-based North Coast Brewing Co., which has been sitting in my fridge for far longer than any beer has ever survived in an alcoholic's ice box. Every time I go to any store that sells booze, like a bear preparing for hibernation, I like to stockpile brews that pique my interest. You know, just in case there's an apocalypse, a Zombie outbreak, or I'm too lazy to go to the liquor store for more life juice. I just want to be Rapture ready, you know?
First of all, let me give you a brief, poorly written, history lesson. Relax, it'll be fun. Trust me. Grigori Efimovich Rasputin was born in 1864-ish in Siberia as a peasant who had a revelation that set him along a religious path where he traveled around healing people in exchange for food and money. He was eventually sought out by the Tsar to heal his son, who was a Hemophiliac, of a bleeding episode. Yada, yada, yada, he was eventually murdered by a transvestite-lovin' (allegedly) rich man, Prince Felix, with the help of a few other cohorts. The details of the murder are pretty crazy, and like Tupac Shukar, Rasputin was not easy to kill. The debate is still out as to whether Rasputin was a holy man with healing powers, or a crazy monk who schemed and manipulated people out of money. Either way, from the pictures I've seen, he looked bat-shit crazy and I would totally buy him a pint if I knew him. Mainly because he looks like he'd eat my face if I didn't.
According to the bottles label, " [Old Rasputin] is [b]rewed in the tradition of the 18th century English brewers who supplied the Russian court of Catherine the Great. Old Rasputin develops a cult following wherever it goes. It’s a rich, intense brew with big, complex flavors and a warming finish." Well, since I've never joined a cult, now seems like a good time. Here goes nothing.
The beer pours slowly. It looks syrupy and envelopes the entire glass in darkness, leaving only a dark beige head (don't be a pervert) that gives off a very deep, rich, almost burnt caramel smell. If blackness were a scent that's what it smells like. Upon my first sip I realize there's a lot going on in this brew. It has a deep, complex flavor that mingles with dark chocolate and black coffee. It has a slight sweetness that dissipates into a very bitter finish. The first sip was slightly off putting, it's almost as if more sips are needed to begin to dissect the bold flavors that are present. This beer is not for the faint of heart, or for the occasional beer drinker. This is a beer-drinker’s beer, especially for those who can appreciate the robust flavors of a stout. Plus, with 9% alc./vol. it packs a punch.
I like to try to act like I know what I'm doing when it comes to pairing beers with food, but this beer threw me for a loop. I think if you had any kind of red meat with this beer the competing flavors would ruin the beer and the meal. Luckily, North Coast Brewing Company has an accompanying link on each featured beer page that provides a suggested food pairing, which is very cool. According to the site, they recommend Black Forest Strata cake because, "The contrasting beer, Old Rasputin Imperial Russian Stout, makes your taste buds stand to attention; it’s very complex and chocolaty. If you are taking the indulgent route for this meal, then this is the perfect beer to end things with."
I must admit, upon hearing that, it totally makes sense to counterbalance the bitterness of the beer without losing the integrity of the flavors. I, unfortunately, did not have any extra Black Forest Strata cake lying around, which is weird because I usually have at least four at any given time. I did, however, have some dark chocolate, 72 percent cacao, to be exact. It was crazy how much better the beer and the chocolate tasted when paired together. Usually I find dark chocolate can be, well, a bit bitter, but when paired with this stout it enhances the sweetness of the chocolate and mellows out the bitterness of the beer, allowing the toasted flavors to truly come out. It was pretty cool. This isn't my favorite stout, but after the chocolate pairing it is definitely in the top five for sure. Here's to you, you Crazy Monk...please don't bite my face off.
Last night, I drank Old Rasputin, a Russian Imperial Stout brewed by the California-based North Coast Brewing Co., which has been sitting in my fridge for far longer than any beer has ever survived in an alcoholic's ice box. Every time I go to any store that sells booze, like a bear preparing for hibernation, I like to stockpile brews that pique my interest. You know, just in case there's an apocalypse, a Zombie outbreak, or I'm too lazy to go to the liquor store for more life juice. I just want to be Rapture ready, you know?
First of all, let me give you a brief, poorly written, history lesson. Relax, it'll be fun. Trust me. Grigori Efimovich Rasputin was born in 1864-ish in Siberia as a peasant who had a revelation that set him along a religious path where he traveled around healing people in exchange for food and money. He was eventually sought out by the Tsar to heal his son, who was a Hemophiliac, of a bleeding episode. Yada, yada, yada, he was eventually murdered by a transvestite-lovin' (allegedly) rich man, Prince Felix, with the help of a few other cohorts. The details of the murder are pretty crazy, and like Tupac Shukar, Rasputin was not easy to kill. The debate is still out as to whether Rasputin was a holy man with healing powers, or a crazy monk who schemed and manipulated people out of money. Either way, from the pictures I've seen, he looked bat-shit crazy and I would totally buy him a pint if I knew him. Mainly because he looks like he'd eat my face if I didn't.
According to the bottles label, " [Old Rasputin] is [b]rewed in the tradition of the 18th century English brewers who supplied the Russian court of Catherine the Great. Old Rasputin develops a cult following wherever it goes. It’s a rich, intense brew with big, complex flavors and a warming finish." Well, since I've never joined a cult, now seems like a good time. Here goes nothing.
The beer pours slowly. It looks syrupy and envelopes the entire glass in darkness, leaving only a dark beige head (don't be a pervert) that gives off a very deep, rich, almost burnt caramel smell. If blackness were a scent that's what it smells like. Upon my first sip I realize there's a lot going on in this brew. It has a deep, complex flavor that mingles with dark chocolate and black coffee. It has a slight sweetness that dissipates into a very bitter finish. The first sip was slightly off putting, it's almost as if more sips are needed to begin to dissect the bold flavors that are present. This beer is not for the faint of heart, or for the occasional beer drinker. This is a beer-drinker’s beer, especially for those who can appreciate the robust flavors of a stout. Plus, with 9% alc./vol. it packs a punch.
I like to try to act like I know what I'm doing when it comes to pairing beers with food, but this beer threw me for a loop. I think if you had any kind of red meat with this beer the competing flavors would ruin the beer and the meal. Luckily, North Coast Brewing Company has an accompanying link on each featured beer page that provides a suggested food pairing, which is very cool. According to the site, they recommend Black Forest Strata cake because, "The contrasting beer, Old Rasputin Imperial Russian Stout, makes your taste buds stand to attention; it’s very complex and chocolaty. If you are taking the indulgent route for this meal, then this is the perfect beer to end things with."
I must admit, upon hearing that, it totally makes sense to counterbalance the bitterness of the beer without losing the integrity of the flavors. I, unfortunately, did not have any extra Black Forest Strata cake lying around, which is weird because I usually have at least four at any given time. I did, however, have some dark chocolate, 72 percent cacao, to be exact. It was crazy how much better the beer and the chocolate tasted when paired together. Usually I find dark chocolate can be, well, a bit bitter, but when paired with this stout it enhances the sweetness of the chocolate and mellows out the bitterness of the beer, allowing the toasted flavors to truly come out. It was pretty cool. This isn't my favorite stout, but after the chocolate pairing it is definitely in the top five for sure. Here's to you, you Crazy Monk...please don't bite my face off.
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Like Us On Facebook And Enter to Win a FREE T-Shirt
My apologies for not posting yesterday but, in my defense, it was a holiday. Alcoholic girlfriend and I were celebrating apartment Christmas, which is similar to the traditional celebration on December 25, but instead of dealing with a lot of sweaty relatives and uncles that smell like beef and lies, it was just us, booze, our miniature Christmas tree (Beautiful Snowflake), and PRESENTS! It was pretty great.
Now, I'm back in the blogosphere with a serious request. Last week on December 21, I sent out a plea to my friends on Facebook to "like" our ScapeGoat Ink fan page. My hope was to reach 100 fans by New Year's Day, so that we can prove to our parents (and Mr. Strickland) that we're not slackers who never amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley. I even sweetened the pot by adding that anyone who "likes" our page, or liked us before then, will automatically be entered to win a FREE ScapeGoat Ink t-shirt, which we'll choose the winner at random on New Year's Day.
Unfortunately, we have a bit of a crisis on our hands. From the time I posted that last week to today, we've gained 12 new likes bringing our grand total to a sickly 58. If we don't reach 100 before New Year's Eve then two things will occur: 1. We will be forced to keep our FREE t-shirt because we were unable to reach our 100 "likes" goal. 2. Our parents will be disappointed in us once again, which will just add to the ever-growing string of failures attached to our names. My dad even went so far as to say that if we don't reach our 100 mark then he's going to force my brother and I to lick a piece of white dog shit. Please help us! It's one thing to fail, but to fail AND have the taste of white dog shit in our mouths is the ultimate slap in the face. Our fate is in your hands, lovely blog readers. Please do the right thing, and spread the word far and wide. Don't make us lick poop, please, I beg of you! To help us, click here and "Like" our page, or cut and paste this link http://www.facebook.com/ScapeGoatInk into your web browser.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Now, I'm back in the blogosphere with a serious request. Last week on December 21, I sent out a plea to my friends on Facebook to "like" our ScapeGoat Ink fan page. My hope was to reach 100 fans by New Year's Day, so that we can prove to our parents (and Mr. Strickland) that we're not slackers who never amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley. I even sweetened the pot by adding that anyone who "likes" our page, or liked us before then, will automatically be entered to win a FREE ScapeGoat Ink t-shirt, which we'll choose the winner at random on New Year's Day.
Unfortunately, we have a bit of a crisis on our hands. From the time I posted that last week to today, we've gained 12 new likes bringing our grand total to a sickly 58. If we don't reach 100 before New Year's Eve then two things will occur: 1. We will be forced to keep our FREE t-shirt because we were unable to reach our 100 "likes" goal. 2. Our parents will be disappointed in us once again, which will just add to the ever-growing string of failures attached to our names. My dad even went so far as to say that if we don't reach our 100 mark then he's going to force my brother and I to lick a piece of white dog shit. Please help us! It's one thing to fail, but to fail AND have the taste of white dog shit in our mouths is the ultimate slap in the face. Our fate is in your hands, lovely blog readers. Please do the right thing, and spread the word far and wide. Don't make us lick poop, please, I beg of you! To help us, click here and "Like" our page, or cut and paste this link http://www.facebook.com/ScapeGoatInk into your web browser.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Win a Winterland Weekend Pass from Magic Hat Brewing Co.
Well, this Christmas has come and gone, and even though this season never really reached the full bloom of previous years, it's always nice to spend time with family and loved ones. I hope all of you had a wonderfully boozy Christmas, and I hope that old pervert St. Nick brought you some good presents. It's the least he can do after watching you sleep all year.
Since I fear my readers may go through alcohol and present-receiving withdrawal, I wanted to offer you an opportunity to win a prize from Magic Hat Brewing Company (read about my love affair with this company here and here). I picked up a sixer of Howl and attached to the neck of one of the bottles was a tag offering the opportunity to win a trip for four to Mingle Mountainside in Vermont from January 19-22, 2012. I've never been skiing. Wait, my mom tricked me into cross-country skiing once when I was younger. Might I point out that when you tell a young kid who's never been skiing before that you're finally going to take him, you might want to specify that it's the awful, boring, fake kind of skiing, and not the fun and exhilarating real kind of skiing. Trust me, there's a huge difference.
The grand prize includes:
-Trip for four people for 3 nights/4 days
-Round-trip transportation
-Ski resort accommodations
-Rentals and lift tickets
-Rocket sledding
-VIP brewery tour
-Private catered dinner
It may be my alcohol-drowned liver craving the VIP brewery tour, but all of those prizes sound pretty great. Especially rocket sledding, whatever the hell that is it sounds amazing. If you have a smart phone you can pick up any Magic Hat brew that has the tag attached offering the Winterland Weekend Pass and scan it directly to your phone to enter. For those of you who have slightly less intelligent phones to straight up dumb phones, like me, you can simply click here for a chance to enter and win a nice little weekend vacation paid for by someone that is NOT you. If I win, I'll take my mom...cross-country skiing once I get back from real skiing.
Since I fear my readers may go through alcohol and present-receiving withdrawal, I wanted to offer you an opportunity to win a prize from Magic Hat Brewing Company (read about my love affair with this company here and here). I picked up a sixer of Howl and attached to the neck of one of the bottles was a tag offering the opportunity to win a trip for four to Mingle Mountainside in Vermont from January 19-22, 2012. I've never been skiing. Wait, my mom tricked me into cross-country skiing once when I was younger. Might I point out that when you tell a young kid who's never been skiing before that you're finally going to take him, you might want to specify that it's the awful, boring, fake kind of skiing, and not the fun and exhilarating real kind of skiing. Trust me, there's a huge difference.
The grand prize includes:
-Trip for four people for 3 nights/4 days
-Round-trip transportation
-Ski resort accommodations
-Rentals and lift tickets
-Rocket sledding
-VIP brewery tour
-Private catered dinner
It may be my alcohol-drowned liver craving the VIP brewery tour, but all of those prizes sound pretty great. Especially rocket sledding, whatever the hell that is it sounds amazing. If you have a smart phone you can pick up any Magic Hat brew that has the tag attached offering the Winterland Weekend Pass and scan it directly to your phone to enter. For those of you who have slightly less intelligent phones to straight up dumb phones, like me, you can simply click here for a chance to enter and win a nice little weekend vacation paid for by someone that is NOT you. If I win, I'll take my mom...cross-country skiing once I get back from real skiing.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Merry Christmas from the Peanuts Gang and OutKast!
Well, ladies and germs it's the eve of Christmas Eve, and since many of you are either en route to see loved ones or you're running around doing last minute shopping (I'll see you at the checkout line shortly), I'll keep today's post brief. To our family, friends, loved ones, and supporters we want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
To help make this weekend a happy and boozy one, here's a great eggnog recipe:
Irish Eggnog
Makes 8 six-ounce servings
4 eggs
6 ounces Irish whiskey (or eyeball it)
2 ounces Irish Mist liqueur (eh, I'd eyeball this one too)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
4 cups (1 quart) milk
Freshly grated or ground nutmeg
In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, and add the whiskey, Irish Mist, vanilla extract, and spices. Slowly add the milk and whisk until well combined. Ladle into Irish coffee glasses and sprinkle each with nutmeg.
If the idea of using raw eggs and milk weirds you out, you can always substitute it with 5 cups of store-bought nog instead. And if you're not a fan of whiskey (shame on you), you can substitute it with my personal favorite, Sailor Jerry's Spiced Rum. It's delicious! The above recipe is from Mittie Hellmich's, "Ultimate Bar Book: The Comprehensive Guide to over 1,000 Cocktails," which is an exceptional bar book and would make a great last-minute stocking stuffer for the drunk in your life.
And, since I won't be posting this weekend, enjoy this video clip, because nothing says Merry Christmas quite like Charlie Brown and the Peanuts dancing to OutKast's "Hey Ya." Cheers, and Merry Christmas everyone!
To help make this weekend a happy and boozy one, here's a great eggnog recipe:
Irish Eggnog
Makes 8 six-ounce servings
4 eggs
6 ounces Irish whiskey (or eyeball it)
2 ounces Irish Mist liqueur (eh, I'd eyeball this one too)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
4 cups (1 quart) milk
Freshly grated or ground nutmeg
In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, and add the whiskey, Irish Mist, vanilla extract, and spices. Slowly add the milk and whisk until well combined. Ladle into Irish coffee glasses and sprinkle each with nutmeg.
If the idea of using raw eggs and milk weirds you out, you can always substitute it with 5 cups of store-bought nog instead. And if you're not a fan of whiskey (shame on you), you can substitute it with my personal favorite, Sailor Jerry's Spiced Rum. It's delicious! The above recipe is from Mittie Hellmich's, "Ultimate Bar Book: The Comprehensive Guide to over 1,000 Cocktails," which is an exceptional bar book and would make a great last-minute stocking stuffer for the drunk in your life.
And, since I won't be posting this weekend, enjoy this video clip, because nothing says Merry Christmas quite like Charlie Brown and the Peanuts dancing to OutKast's "Hey Ya." Cheers, and Merry Christmas everyone!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Have Santa Creep Out Your Loved Ones!
Nothing says, "Merry Christmas!" quite like a phone call from the big guy upstairs. No, not God. By "upstairs" I mean the North Pole and by "big guy" I mean Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, or Pimp Claus. I was sitting at my computer NOT looking at porn when I received a phone call from, Peglet (she's really short), a friend of mine and alcoholic girlfriend. Of course, I didn't answer the phone because she's a weirdo. I should probably offer an explanation. Peglet and I have a unique friendship. When I went to Mexico with alcoholic girlfriend's family, Peglet and I spent the few days before the Mexican sun almost killed me (I'm 74 percent albino and 26 percent Irish), trying to creep each other out. Needless to say, Peglet won. It was that moment that I realized the word friendship was way off; we needed something more exact, so I coined the term "creepship." We have a secret creepshake (creepy handshake) and everything. It's really not normal.
Anyway, Peglet found a website where you can send a personalized phone message from Santa Claus. The site offers two options: you can send an automated voice message from Santa via your phone, or you can send a similar animated message that's emailed to the recipient of your choice. Obviously this site is set up for parents to surprise their children with a delightful message from Santa, but that didn't stop us from trying to weird people out. Here's a blurb of what Peglet sent to me: Santa had spoken to my cat, Ninja, who said I was a sweet tap dancer. His next stop is my house, so he'd appreciate a couple of chicken tacos to satisfy his hunger. Yada, yada, yada, Santa ends the call wishing me a Happy Hanukkah. Needless to say, I placed several phone calls myself. It was totally worth it. Plus, I'll let you in on a little creepy secret, instead of typing your own number, which will show up in your friends caller I.D., use a different number. Boom. Instantly creepier. So, here's to Peglet, thanks for the website and creepy phone call.
P.S. You're creepy. Seriously, you should get checked out.
To have fun with this Santa messaging website, follow the link HERE.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Anyway, Peglet found a website where you can send a personalized phone message from Santa Claus. The site offers two options: you can send an automated voice message from Santa via your phone, or you can send a similar animated message that's emailed to the recipient of your choice. Obviously this site is set up for parents to surprise their children with a delightful message from Santa, but that didn't stop us from trying to weird people out. Here's a blurb of what Peglet sent to me: Santa had spoken to my cat, Ninja, who said I was a sweet tap dancer. His next stop is my house, so he'd appreciate a couple of chicken tacos to satisfy his hunger. Yada, yada, yada, Santa ends the call wishing me a Happy Hanukkah. Needless to say, I placed several phone calls myself. It was totally worth it. Plus, I'll let you in on a little creepy secret, instead of typing your own number, which will show up in your friends caller I.D., use a different number. Boom. Instantly creepier. So, here's to Peglet, thanks for the website and creepy phone call.
P.S. You're creepy. Seriously, you should get checked out.
To have fun with this Santa messaging website, follow the link HERE.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Happy Chanukah!
Here's to all my Jewish friends. This time of year can sometimes be tough, but Adam Sandler makes everything...Kosher. Live from Chicago, it's the Chanukah (Hanukkah) Song. Enjoy the second of eight crazy nights!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Ring in the New Year at Bottle & Bottega
Christmas is only five days away and, if you're anything like me, you're probably drunk right now and will be giving Christmas hugs in lieu of gifts this year. Sorry family and friends, but my hugs kick ass, grandma told me so. That also means that New Year's Eve is less than two weeks away. Alcoholic girlfriend and I usually make dinner reservations at a crazy expensive restaurant, get all decked out in our New Year's best, and then we quietly excuse ourselves once we've seen the prices. It's a nice little reminder that although we're broke, at least we still have each other, and booze helps too. After our cheaper, but financially smarter, meal we'd either get a bottle of sparkling and get hammered in the park watching fireworks, or we'd bar hop, which consisted of sitting at one bar all evening because if we left our seats we'd be no different than the seat-less a-holes standing behind us celebrating NYE.
This year we're switching it up a bit. We will gladly be saying goodbye to one of the worst years ever, and welcoming a fresh start with 2012 at Bottle & Bottega (formerly known as Bottle & Brushes). For those of you who haven't heard, B&B is a business that my sister-in-law, Stephanie Myers, founded in 2009. It's a BYOB art studio located at 2900 N. Lincoln Ave. They provide you with paint, canvases, and a local artist to guide you through creating your very own masterpiece, and all you have to do is bring your creative side (read: booze). Here's the low-down on the New Year's Eve Bash: Bring the booze of your choice (champagne, anyone?). There will be a Mexican buffet, courtesy of Fiesta Mexicana, at 8 p.m., painting with instructions from Traci McNamara from 8:30 to 9:45 p.m., and then we'll party until the wee hours (or until we're asked to leave). Interested? Get your tickets for the NYE bash here. Hurry because space is limited.
I know some of you may be intimidated by the idea of painting, but I assure you that if I can do it, then anyone can. I used to have two works of art that I created at B&B, but somehow they were "misplaced" when we moved. Alcoholic girlfriend is a talented artist, but I think she was highly jealous of my beautiful drunken creations and "accidentally" disposed of them. My first creation was titled, "Tree Stumped." I painted a tree stump with an exposed brain and a single tear falling from its eye. In the background there was a bolt of lightning, which had started a forest fire that was slowly creeping toward the lone tree stump. Obviously it was my comment on the debt crisis, but I guess my artwork was a little too deep for some people to appreciate. My second piece was titled, "Rapewood Forest." I don't think it needs any further explanation.
If you can't make it out for the New Year's Eve bash, no worries, you can venture to B&B for any number of their sponsored events, or book a private party for you and your friends. I'd also like to congratulate them on being awarded the 2011 Best of Chicago Award for "Best Local Business" and Best Art School for Hobbyists in New City's annual Best of Chicago feature. Read the articles here and here, respectively. Plus, because I'm an attention slut, check out Bottle & Bottega's homepage because someone (me) made it into the clip. Guess which painting I'm working on? I'll give you a hint: it's dark and creepy.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
This year we're switching it up a bit. We will gladly be saying goodbye to one of the worst years ever, and welcoming a fresh start with 2012 at Bottle & Bottega (formerly known as Bottle & Brushes). For those of you who haven't heard, B&B is a business that my sister-in-law, Stephanie Myers, founded in 2009. It's a BYOB art studio located at 2900 N. Lincoln Ave. They provide you with paint, canvases, and a local artist to guide you through creating your very own masterpiece, and all you have to do is bring your creative side (read: booze). Here's the low-down on the New Year's Eve Bash: Bring the booze of your choice (champagne, anyone?). There will be a Mexican buffet, courtesy of Fiesta Mexicana, at 8 p.m., painting with instructions from Traci McNamara from 8:30 to 9:45 p.m., and then we'll party until the wee hours (or until we're asked to leave). Interested? Get your tickets for the NYE bash here. Hurry because space is limited.
I know some of you may be intimidated by the idea of painting, but I assure you that if I can do it, then anyone can. I used to have two works of art that I created at B&B, but somehow they were "misplaced" when we moved. Alcoholic girlfriend is a talented artist, but I think she was highly jealous of my beautiful drunken creations and "accidentally" disposed of them. My first creation was titled, "Tree Stumped." I painted a tree stump with an exposed brain and a single tear falling from its eye. In the background there was a bolt of lightning, which had started a forest fire that was slowly creeping toward the lone tree stump. Obviously it was my comment on the debt crisis, but I guess my artwork was a little too deep for some people to appreciate. My second piece was titled, "Rapewood Forest." I don't think it needs any further explanation.
If you can't make it out for the New Year's Eve bash, no worries, you can venture to B&B for any number of their sponsored events, or book a private party for you and your friends. I'd also like to congratulate them on being awarded the 2011 Best of Chicago Award for "Best Local Business" and Best Art School for Hobbyists in New City's annual Best of Chicago feature. Read the articles here and here, respectively. Plus, because I'm an attention slut, check out Bottle & Bottega's homepage because someone (me) made it into the clip. Guess which painting I'm working on? I'll give you a hint: it's dark and creepy.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Here's to a Full Recovery for Johnny Knox!
Well, folks, it's Monday and (spoiler alert) I'm hungover. The drinking began, as it usually does, around nooner with the Bears game and it escalated from casual to heavy after watching Bears receiver Johnny Knox get the ball knocked out of his hands in the opening minutes and then get tackled in a way that bent him in half—backwards. It was one of the worst hits I've ever seen. Luckily, it's been reported that Knox has movement in all his extremities and the hit was not career ending, but he'll be out for the rest of the season. According to the New York Times, "Knox will have surgery to stabilize a vertebra in his lower to mid back." I decided against posting a clip of the hit because it was hard enough to watch yesterday in slow motion and I don't think I could stomach it again today. Here's to hoping Knox makes a full and speedy recovery. In the meantime, enjoy this video clip that has absolutely nothing to do with the Chicago Bears or awful hits that make a person cringe.
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Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Winter Weekend Happenings (Dec. 16-18)
The weekend is finally upon us again and Christmas isn't too far behind. I'm sure many of you are scrambling around trying to figure out what to do in the remaining days besides drink and finish your shopping. Well, since I'm a man who subscribes to the philosophy that if it ain't broke, don't fix it (read: lazy) I found a great article in Time Out Chicago, written by Kris Vire that I figured I'd share with you all. I omitted some of her suggestions and I tacked on a very special one of my own at the end. So, sit back, crack a cold one, and let me (read: Time Out Chicago) do the leg work for you.
November 21-January 1
Second City (1616 N Wells St, secondcity.com) Mainstage: Mondays (8pm) and Saturdays (4pm); UP Comedy Club (located next door): Tuesdays (7:30pm) and Sundays (4:30pm), $16-$22.
If you’re tired of the same old holiday shows (cough cough Nutcracker cough), check out the Dysfunctional Holiday Revue, featuring a blend of scenes, songs and trademark improv. The show mocks all the ridiculousness that comes with the holiday season, from uneven gift exchanges with your clueless boyfriend to couples therapy with Joseph and Mary. Some performances are held at Second City’s new UP Comedy Club, which features a restaurant and bar with a Chicago-style menu. Check out the website for special additional matinee performances.
And I saved the best for last
The Roast of Santa Claus
December 22, 23 (Thursday/Friday)
Gorilla Tango Theatre (1919 N. Milwaukee Ave., Gorilla Tango Theatre) 8 p.m., $15.
Who doesn't love a good roast, especially when it's of that fat jolly bastard, St. Nick? I saw this show when it premiered during the Chicago Fringe Festival and it kicked ass. It made me laugh, feel weird, cry, shit my pants, and, as the show promises, it ruined every fond Christmas memory I ever had. Oh, and they handed out cookies that I'm sure were laced with rat poisoning at the show. Anyway, in addition to this being a great holiday show and totally worth every penny, I also know two of the talented performers in it. Shannon Ennis plays Roast Master General, Rudolph (of course there's a twist), and I might (I am) be related (he's my brother) to Bing Crosby. Check out the show, it's pretty hilarious.
A Beer Carol
Sean Benjamin and Steve Mosqueda of the Drinking & Writing Theater get Dickensian with their latest, in which heartless domestic-beer exec Bud Miller, CEO of Milweiser, is haunted by the ghosts of the four ingredients of beer. Drinking & Writing Theater at Haymarket Pub & Brewery, 737 W Randolph St. Sat 19–Dec 17; $15.
Winter Solstice Festival
December 17
North Park Village Nature Center (5801 N Pulaski Rd, 312-744-5472, www.chicagoparkdistrict.com). 6:00pm-9:00pm, FREE.
We all love Chicago, but sometimes the city can get tiresome. Grab a break for an evening at the North Park Village Nature Center and get reconnected with the great outdoors. Take a stroll though the trails, visit the critters from the Big Run Wolf Ranch, and make some edible ornaments for the animals. Oh, and let’s not forget you’ll get to roast chestnuts on an open fire…for real.
The Santa Stories: One naughty, one nice
November 18-December 18
Studio BE (3110 N Sheffield Ave, studio-be.org, 773-732-5450) G-rated show: Sundays, 6pm; R-rated show: Fridays and Saturdays, 11:59pm, $8-$15.
Ever wonder how Santa came to be? Check out pH Productions’ The Santa Stories to find out. Bring the kids to the G-rated version to see the journey of how a little boy named Santa became the Father of Christmas. The show is made for all ages and milk and cookies will be served. Looking for something naughtier? Leave the kids with a sitter and check out the R-rated version where nothing is off limits, including swearing, homoerotic undertones and blood. This show is BYOB.
JOY!
November 30-December 21
iO Theater (3541 N Clark St, chicago.ioimprov.com, 773-880-0199) Wednesdays, 9pm, $10.
iO Improv wants to bring enthusiasm back to Christmas by putting on a show free from the bitter cynicism seen in most comedy holiday shows. The show features sketches and songs from the iO family and a finale where audience members join the cast for a caroling romp through Wrigleyville. Call to reserve tickets.
Charles Dickens Begrudgingly Performs “A Christmas Carol.” Again.
Even Dickens has Scrooge fatigue in this new piece by Blake Montgomery, which combines a loose biography of the author with a(nother) retelling of his most-told tale. The Building Stage, 412 N Carpenter St (312-491-1369). Dec 1–Dec 24; $22, students $12.
Joffrey Ballet’s The Nutcracker
December 9-27
Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University (50 E Congress Pkwy, auditoriumtheatre.org, 800-982-ARTS) Performance times vary, $30-$115.
Catch one of 20 performances of The Nutcracker as The Joffrey Ballet turns the Auditorium Theatre into a winter wonderland full of toys and waltzing snowflakes. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the show, which features both the full Joffrey Company and 118 young dancers from Chicago and beyond. The performances maintain the classic choreography created by Robert Joffrey and feature elegant costumes and an extravagant set.
Hannukatz the Musical
Hannukatz, a groovy, tie-dye-wearing rock & roll cat, teaches a Skokie family the true meaning of Hanukkah in this trippy new musical by Terry Abrahamson and Michael Carlson, based on Abrahamson’s self-published children’s book. Abrahamson’s other theater work includes Kama Sutra: The Musical, but we’re promised Hannukatz is family friendly. National Pastime Theater, 4139 N Broadway (773-327-7077). Dec 2–31; $25, kids ages 12 and under $10.
November 21-January 1
Second City (1616 N Wells St, secondcity.com) Mainstage: Mondays (8pm) and Saturdays (4pm); UP Comedy Club (located next door): Tuesdays (7:30pm) and Sundays (4:30pm), $16-$22.
If you’re tired of the same old holiday shows (cough cough Nutcracker cough), check out the Dysfunctional Holiday Revue, featuring a blend of scenes, songs and trademark improv. The show mocks all the ridiculousness that comes with the holiday season, from uneven gift exchanges with your clueless boyfriend to couples therapy with Joseph and Mary. Some performances are held at Second City’s new UP Comedy Club, which features a restaurant and bar with a Chicago-style menu. Check out the website for special additional matinee performances.
And I saved the best for last
The Roast of Santa Claus
December 22, 23 (Thursday/Friday)
Gorilla Tango Theatre (1919 N. Milwaukee Ave., Gorilla Tango Theatre) 8 p.m., $15.
Who doesn't love a good roast, especially when it's of that fat jolly bastard, St. Nick? I saw this show when it premiered during the Chicago Fringe Festival and it kicked ass. It made me laugh, feel weird, cry, shit my pants, and, as the show promises, it ruined every fond Christmas memory I ever had. Oh, and they handed out cookies that I'm sure were laced with rat poisoning at the show. Anyway, in addition to this being a great holiday show and totally worth every penny, I also know two of the talented performers in it. Shannon Ennis plays Roast Master General, Rudolph (of course there's a twist), and I might (I am) be related (he's my brother) to Bing Crosby. Check out the show, it's pretty hilarious.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Jimmy Kimmel Terrible Gifts and FREE Shipping at ScapeGoat Ink!
Jimmy Kimmel, live on his ABC talk show last week, gave his viewers a challenge. He requested that parents allow their children to open one present before Christmas and film their reactions. The catch? It has to be a terrible present. The children had mixed emotions on the received presents, and Kimmel even received a "ball sucking" threat. Watch the clip here.
Designated Drunk
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Now, here are some great Christmas gift ideas from ScapeGoat Ink that every recipient will love. Oh, and did I mention that First class and Priority shipping are FREE through the month of December? Place your order before December 23 to ensure you'll get it in time.
"Friends are those that can be trusted with your woman. True Friends are those that can be trusted with your alcohol." ~Hans Götman
Martini Olives: "I'm really worried about Carl."
Designated Driver
Designated Drunk
Trees: All bark and no bite.
We promise that none of our shirts will illicit "ball sucking" threats like Kimmel received for his YouTube challenge. Do the right thing.
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Black Toad Distinctive Dark Ale Brew
Last week my old man gave me a few suggestions for future posts. Per his request, I reviewed Edmund Fitzgerald porter by Great Lakes Brewing Co. (read about it here), and now I'm trying Black Toad Dark Ale from Josephs Brau Brewing Co., in San Jose, CA. Last time I was at Trader Joe's my dad criticized me for not getting this brew in place of Newton's Folly Hard Cider. I'll admit he was right. You can read about my mishap with that tart whore here. So far, my old man's one for one with beer recommendations, but he's been known to eat things out of the garbage, so we'll see.
Black Toad Dark Ale pours, well, dark. According to the label, "The resulting ale has a dark chestnut color..." Chestnut, that's what I meant, not dark. In the bottle it smelled like a lighter beer, but once I poured that bad boy into a pint glass, it developed into a robust, nutty smell. The foamy tan head dissipated within seconds, leaving a glassy top. It has a slight sweet smell to it. I'm sorry, my nose was severely damaged in a smelling accident in fourth grade (I don't want to talk about it), so I'm impressing myself because I can actually smell some flavor hints within this beer, which doesn't always happen. Normally everything smells like the inside of my nose, which is not good, not good at all.
The first sip is unique. It's very flavorful and surprisingly smooth. It takes a few sips to really appreciate the flavor of this beer. It's as if your taste buds need to adjust to allow the full richness to develop. It's refreshingly light considering it's a dark ale, but it's not lacking in flavor by any means. I like it; it has a very earthy flavor, with notes of barely there coffee and a strong nutty finish. It's interesting, the flavor arrives first, and then dissipates into a clean, carbonated finish. I've heard the term "earthy" used as a descriptor before, but this is textbook earthiness. It's as if someone took a bit of the forest and turned it into a beer. I assure you, no trees were harmed in the making of this beer.
This is a solid brew that I could easily drink all night. I do not regret buying a sixer of it because it's delicious. I can't come up with any negatives for this beer. It does everything the label promised and more. Well, Pops, you are currently two for two with your beer recommendations. Nice job! Seriously though, stop eating out of the garbage.
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Black Toad Dark Ale pours, well, dark. According to the label, "The resulting ale has a dark chestnut color..." Chestnut, that's what I meant, not dark. In the bottle it smelled like a lighter beer, but once I poured that bad boy into a pint glass, it developed into a robust, nutty smell. The foamy tan head dissipated within seconds, leaving a glassy top. It has a slight sweet smell to it. I'm sorry, my nose was severely damaged in a smelling accident in fourth grade (I don't want to talk about it), so I'm impressing myself because I can actually smell some flavor hints within this beer, which doesn't always happen. Normally everything smells like the inside of my nose, which is not good, not good at all.
The first sip is unique. It's very flavorful and surprisingly smooth. It takes a few sips to really appreciate the flavor of this beer. It's as if your taste buds need to adjust to allow the full richness to develop. It's refreshingly light considering it's a dark ale, but it's not lacking in flavor by any means. I like it; it has a very earthy flavor, with notes of barely there coffee and a strong nutty finish. It's interesting, the flavor arrives first, and then dissipates into a clean, carbonated finish. I've heard the term "earthy" used as a descriptor before, but this is textbook earthiness. It's as if someone took a bit of the forest and turned it into a beer. I assure you, no trees were harmed in the making of this beer.
This is a solid brew that I could easily drink all night. I do not regret buying a sixer of it because it's delicious. I can't come up with any negatives for this beer. It does everything the label promised and more. Well, Pops, you are currently two for two with your beer recommendations. Nice job! Seriously though, stop eating out of the garbage.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Non-Alcoholic Whisky Has Finally Arrived. Wait, What?
I just read an article that states ArKay Beverages, Inc., launched the world's first alcohol-free, whisky-flavored drink and it was made available for purchase and consumption December 1, which bodes one question: who the hell thought this was a good idea? According to the article from Food Ingredients First, this drink affords consumers with "The exceptional taste of whisky without the alcohol content, [which] makes it a perfect beverage day or night." I'm not even sure who they're trying to appeal to right now? Listen, if someone wakes up and they're craving whisky it's due to one of two things: The person stayed out drinking all night and they're waking up for the first time and they need a little hair of the dog that bit 'em to soothe their splitting skull; Or, they're alcoholics, in which case it's not the flavor of whisky they're looking for, it's the full on "get rid of my delirium tremens" alcohol they're craving. I was so perplexed by this article that I couldn't put it down. Instead, I poured myself two fingers of the good stuff to keep me invested.
The article continued, "ArKay has 0% alcohol and it is designed to allow individuals with medical conditions or with religious beliefs that prohibit alcohol consumption, to drink. Imagine being able to enjoy your favorite whisky drink at parties without worrying about drinking and driving. You won't miss a thing, as ArKay tastes and looks exactly like traditional whisky." What!? OK, I can understand (slightly) if someone used to be a big whisky drinker, but due to a medical ailment they can no longer imbibe the brown stuff. However, I think if a condition was preventing me from drinking, I'd take that as a sign that maybe I shouldn't be drinking. Also, if you're not drinking because you're a recovering alcoholic, I understand. But, don't you think drinking a whisky-flavored drink is flirting with disaster. Who's to say the non-alcoholic whisky won't be a gateway back into the devil's cage known as alcoholism?
The religion angle makes even less sense to me. If I can't drink alcohol because my religion forbids it, I'd switch religions. All right, I'm just kidding (sort of), but that means there's a good chance that I've never experienced the delightful taste of booze in the first place. I'd have no idea what I was missing, so why would I want to drink a non-alcoholic whisky-flavored drink? I'd have no reason to. Plus, if I'm going to drink whisky for the first time, I'd want to feel the full power behind it, not just a flavor. Maybe it's the alcohol coursing through my system that's making such valid points, but either way, take that ArKay.
Secondly, the flavors of alcohol are extremely important. Some people like Southern Comfort, whereas others like moonshine. Either way, if you're drinking alcohol, you're going to eventually experience one main reason people drink in the first place, to relax and feel a little buzz. I understand the angle that it'll prevent people from getting hammered and then driving around, but you know what else helps prevent that too? A designated driver, a taxi, or a train might all be good starts. Plus, to say that having a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink available would actually cut down on drunk driving is insane. Listen, the a-holes that drink and get behind a wheel, are a-holes who would never drink a non-alcoholic drink. Why? Because they're a-holes.
I think the final straw that broke every bone in the camels back was when I read this delight, "ArKay can be purchased and enjoyed in a one liter glass bottle (32 fl oz.) and in a recyclable aluminum can (12 fl oz./355ml.)." Listen, I've imbibed a lot of weird things in my day, like Malört (read about here), but I have never consumed whiskey out of a can, especially not one that doesn't even have any alcohol in it. Can you imagine going to a party with a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink—IN A CAN!? How is this, in anyway, going to help you fit in? You may as well just show up with lute in hand, like Martin from the Simpsons, because you are not going to fit in. You'll become an immediate outcast. I guarantee within minutes upon you entering this party with canned whisky in hand, rumors will start immediately, "Hey, did you hear that guy with the canned whisky keeps bags of hair in a suitcase?" Or, "I heard he has a collection of tiny shoes under his bed." Or, "Well, what would you expect a guy who fornicates with sheep to bring to a party?" Listen, I'm not being harsh. I fully understand and support everyone's right to NOT drink alcohol. But, instead of trying so hard to fit in that you buy this crap, how about you remain confident in who you are as a person. Besides, your true friends will not care if you don't drink. If you want to be the life of the party, be a designated driver, not a wannabe fake whisky drinker. That way, you can be a hero and get the drunken people, who shouldn't be driving, home safely. It's a win/win situation.
Leave your comments down below in the comments section, or shoot me an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com to let me know your thoughts on this non-alcoholic debacle. Whether you agree, or disagree, I'd love to hear your opinions.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
The article continued, "ArKay has 0% alcohol and it is designed to allow individuals with medical conditions or with religious beliefs that prohibit alcohol consumption, to drink. Imagine being able to enjoy your favorite whisky drink at parties without worrying about drinking and driving. You won't miss a thing, as ArKay tastes and looks exactly like traditional whisky." What!? OK, I can understand (slightly) if someone used to be a big whisky drinker, but due to a medical ailment they can no longer imbibe the brown stuff. However, I think if a condition was preventing me from drinking, I'd take that as a sign that maybe I shouldn't be drinking. Also, if you're not drinking because you're a recovering alcoholic, I understand. But, don't you think drinking a whisky-flavored drink is flirting with disaster. Who's to say the non-alcoholic whisky won't be a gateway back into the devil's cage known as alcoholism?
The religion angle makes even less sense to me. If I can't drink alcohol because my religion forbids it, I'd switch religions. All right, I'm just kidding (sort of), but that means there's a good chance that I've never experienced the delightful taste of booze in the first place. I'd have no idea what I was missing, so why would I want to drink a non-alcoholic whisky-flavored drink? I'd have no reason to. Plus, if I'm going to drink whisky for the first time, I'd want to feel the full power behind it, not just a flavor. Maybe it's the alcohol coursing through my system that's making such valid points, but either way, take that ArKay.
Secondly, the flavors of alcohol are extremely important. Some people like Southern Comfort, whereas others like moonshine. Either way, if you're drinking alcohol, you're going to eventually experience one main reason people drink in the first place, to relax and feel a little buzz. I understand the angle that it'll prevent people from getting hammered and then driving around, but you know what else helps prevent that too? A designated driver, a taxi, or a train might all be good starts. Plus, to say that having a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink available would actually cut down on drunk driving is insane. Listen, the a-holes that drink and get behind a wheel, are a-holes who would never drink a non-alcoholic drink. Why? Because they're a-holes.
I think the final straw that broke every bone in the camels back was when I read this delight, "ArKay can be purchased and enjoyed in a one liter glass bottle (32 fl oz.) and in a recyclable aluminum can (12 fl oz./355ml.)." Listen, I've imbibed a lot of weird things in my day, like Malört (read about here), but I have never consumed whiskey out of a can, especially not one that doesn't even have any alcohol in it. Can you imagine going to a party with a non-alcoholic, whisky-flavored drink—IN A CAN!? How is this, in anyway, going to help you fit in? You may as well just show up with lute in hand, like Martin from the Simpsons, because you are not going to fit in. You'll become an immediate outcast. I guarantee within minutes upon you entering this party with canned whisky in hand, rumors will start immediately, "Hey, did you hear that guy with the canned whisky keeps bags of hair in a suitcase?" Or, "I heard he has a collection of tiny shoes under his bed." Or, "Well, what would you expect a guy who fornicates with sheep to bring to a party?" Listen, I'm not being harsh. I fully understand and support everyone's right to NOT drink alcohol. But, instead of trying so hard to fit in that you buy this crap, how about you remain confident in who you are as a person. Besides, your true friends will not care if you don't drink. If you want to be the life of the party, be a designated driver, not a wannabe fake whisky drinker. That way, you can be a hero and get the drunken people, who shouldn't be driving, home safely. It's a win/win situation.
Leave your comments down below in the comments section, or shoot me an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com to let me know your thoughts on this non-alcoholic debacle. Whether you agree, or disagree, I'd love to hear your opinions.
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Jack Daniels and Brighton, MA Ring in The Holiday Season
Jack Daniels is starting a new tradition this year. In Lynchburg, Tennessee roughly 140 Jack Daniels barrels were hand selected for a special purpose, to create their first annual, 100-proof, limited Holiday select batch. The barrels were then used to start a new tradition that I'm sure will carry on for years to come—The Barrel Tree.
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In addition to Jack
Daniels releasing a new batch and starting a new Holiday tradition, I also want to take a moment to give props to the musicians behind the song chosen to represent this unveiling. The band is Brighton MA
and the song is "Good Kind Of Crazy." They're a local, Chicago-based
band that is carving out quite a niche for themselves in the music industry. Unfortunately for some, this may be the first time you're hearing their music, for others, who are familiar with their talent, recognize that this is just another giant creative leap in the right direction for the band. To dispel
any confusion, the band's name, Brighton, MA, is a nostalgic shout out to lead singer, Matt Kerstein's hometown. The band is comprised of five
members: Kerstein, Jim Tuerk (lead guitarist), Joe Darnaby (guitarist), Jon Ozaksut (bassist), and Sam Koentopp (drummer). Jim Tuerk is a Lyons Township High School alum. We both graduated with the class of 2000. So here's some props to the ol' high school for churning out a talented musician (Tuerk) and two shameless drunks (myself, and the German-loved, David Hasselhoff). Nice job, LTHS.
"Good Kind of Crazy," the song used for this commercial spot, which is being aired nationally as you're reading this, is a well-crafted and beautiful song, but it's just a small glimpse at the talent behind this band. They've been playing together since 2006, and they are not lacking in accolades. In the half decade they've been a band, they've opened for such acts as, Arcade Fire, Spoon, Feist, and The Walkmen, to name a few, as well as headlining many sold out shows themselves. Currently the guys are taking a break from touring, but, according to Brighton Ma's Website, they "will be releasing a new EP in January, with an official release show set for Lincoln Hall on Jan 19th." The band is also finishing up work on a full length album with producer Brian Deck in the near future, so keep a look out for that gem.
Here's to Jack Daniels for helping people get drunk for over a hundred plus years, and for recognizing the talent that is Brighton, MA and choosing their song to inaugurate The Barrel Tree. Give BMA your support, not just because they're a Chicago-based band but, more importantly, because they are extremely talented and they deserve all the success coming their way. We, at ScapeGoat Ink, salute you!
Check out Brighton, MA's official website here.
Friend them on Facebook here, and "like" their fan page here.
Check them out on Myspace here.
Follow them on Twitter @brightonma
"Good Kind of Crazy," the song used for this commercial spot, which is being aired nationally as you're reading this, is a well-crafted and beautiful song, but it's just a small glimpse at the talent behind this band. They've been playing together since 2006, and they are not lacking in accolades. In the half decade they've been a band, they've opened for such acts as, Arcade Fire, Spoon, Feist, and The Walkmen, to name a few, as well as headlining many sold out shows themselves. Currently the guys are taking a break from touring, but, according to Brighton Ma's Website, they "will be releasing a new EP in January, with an official release show set for Lincoln Hall on Jan 19th." The band is also finishing up work on a full length album with producer Brian Deck in the near future, so keep a look out for that gem.
Here's to Jack Daniels for helping people get drunk for over a hundred plus years, and for recognizing the talent that is Brighton, MA and choosing their song to inaugurate The Barrel Tree. Give BMA your support, not just because they're a Chicago-based band but, more importantly, because they are extremely talented and they deserve all the success coming their way. We, at ScapeGoat Ink, salute you!
Check out Brighton, MA's official website here.
Friend them on Facebook here, and "like" their fan page here.
Check them out on Myspace here.
Follow them on Twitter @brightonma
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Today, we stand for you!
Mary, you may have left this world, but we'll take comfort in knowing that in our hearts, you'll remain forever.
Don Mclean, "Empty Chairs"
Rest In Peace, Mary!
Mary Stephanie Krol - Cole
A Resident of Oakbrook Terrace for 2 years
Formerly of Chicago and Rolling Meadows
Visitation for Mary Stephanie Krol-Cole, 36, will be held Thursday, December 8, 2011 from 3:00-9:00pm at Michaels Funeral Home, 800 S. Roselle Rd., Schaumburg. Family and friends will gather for lying-in-state visitation Friday, December 9, 2011 from 10:00am until time of funeral mass ...at 11:00am at St. Colette Church, 3900 Pheasant Dr., Rolling Meadows.
Born March 21, 1975 in Arlington Heights to Jack and Carol Krol, she passed away December 4, 2011.
Mary was the loving wife of 2 years to Densey; loving sister of Jaclyn, Jennifer and Daniel Krol; dear niece of Chuck (Connie) and Richard (Florence) Krol, James, Jo Ann and Roberta Staniec and Valerie (the late David) Wilk; beloved cousin of the late Chris, the late Cliff and Chuck, Rick (Eva) and Cindy Krol and Debbie (Tom) Sullivan. She was a devoted and loving friend and she will be missed by her best friend Sadie.
Mary had a passion for life and discovered a love for wine which she practiced as a Sommelier at Enology and her favorite place, Pacific Coast Winery. She also worked at Shaw's Crab House in Chicago. Mary had a deep love for music, laughter and her family and friends. She will be dearly missed and loved forever.
For information please call 847-891-2900 or to sign the virtual guestbook please visit www.michaelsfunerals.com
A Resident of Oakbrook Terrace for 2 years
Formerly of Chicago and Rolling Meadows
Visitation for Mary Stephanie Krol-Cole, 36, will be held Thursday, December 8, 2011 from 3:00-9:00pm at Michaels Funeral Home, 800 S. Roselle Rd., Schaumburg. Family and friends will gather for lying-in-state visitation Friday, December 9, 2011 from 10:00am until time of funeral mass ...at 11:00am at St. Colette Church, 3900 Pheasant Dr., Rolling Meadows.
Born March 21, 1975 in Arlington Heights to Jack and Carol Krol, she passed away December 4, 2011.
Mary was the loving wife of 2 years to Densey; loving sister of Jaclyn, Jennifer and Daniel Krol; dear niece of Chuck (Connie) and Richard (Florence) Krol, James, Jo Ann and Roberta Staniec and Valerie (the late David) Wilk; beloved cousin of the late Chris, the late Cliff and Chuck, Rick (Eva) and Cindy Krol and Debbie (Tom) Sullivan. She was a devoted and loving friend and she will be missed by her best friend Sadie.
Mary had a passion for life and discovered a love for wine which she practiced as a Sommelier at Enology and her favorite place, Pacific Coast Winery. She also worked at Shaw's Crab House in Chicago. Mary had a deep love for music, laughter and her family and friends. She will be dearly missed and loved forever.
For information please call 847-891-2900 or to sign the virtual guestbook please visit www.michaelsfunerals.com
Winter Weekend Happenings (Dec. 2-4)
Not only is the weekend here, but the Christmas season is finally upon us as well. Since, I'm sure you're all ready to start forgetting everything work-related and start celebrating the holiday season by having fun and drinking heavily, ScapeGoat Ink has compiled a foolproof plan for the weekend. Sit back, relax, crack open a cold one, and let us do the planning:
Friday, December 2
Winter WonderFest at Chicago's Navy Pier
Back for its 11th year, this holiday festival runs from December 2 through January 8, giving plenty of time to escape the winter blahs. Admission to the fest is free, but for rides and attractions you have to pay for an activity wristband. It's a little pricey, but with an enchanted 170,000-square-foot holiday playground, ice skating rink, and ropes course it sounds pretty sweet. There are more than 20 rides and attractions. Flasks are suggested.
Kiss Kiss Cabaret Ho Ho Holiday Shows
December 2, through December 31; Fridays, 11 p.m., $15-$20 ($60 for New Year's Eve show)
Green House Theater Center, 2257 N. Lincoln Ave., (773) 404-7336)
Join the Kiss Kiss Croquettes for some burlesque holiday fun (read: nude fun). The holiday show features a titillating opening with tons of sexy surprises and a heartwarming (read happy ending—OK, I made that one up) finale. If you like what you're reading, ring in the New Year with a two-hour special show. They even invite you to dance and drink onstage with the full company. The NYE show also includes appetizers, party favors, buffet, open bar, and a champagne toast. Sounds like a naked good time.
Saturday, December 3
SantaCon
520 S. Michigan Ave. at noon; free
Meet up with a couple hundred Santa's, slutty reindeers, and drunken elves, and hop from bar to bar for drink specials. For updates, check out the SantaCon Chicago Facebook page. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to ride on Santa's sleigh, you naughty, naughty reindeer.
4th Annual Ugly Sweater Pub Crawl
Meet at Houndstooth Saloon, 3369 N. Clark St., from noon to 3 p.m.; $20 to $30 (includes drink specials)
Shake the moth balls out of your gaudiest sweater, or throw on the one you got from your mom last year, and get drunk while supporting a charity. Last year 350 people wore atrocious Christmas sweaters, all in the name of charity. The organizer, GiveForward.com, donates money to Imerman's Angels, a one-on-one support site for cancer.
Sunday, December 4
Massages at Division Chiropractic and Acupuncture
1630 W. Division St.; (773) 276-2801; 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
After all that boozing Friday and Saturday, you'll probably need a relaxing Sunday. Why not head to Division and get a free massage and some refreshments. If you're feeling generous, buy a friend or loved one a gift certificate for a massage too. A flask is advised, you know, for the refreshments.
Other winter activities:
Caroling at Cloud Gate (Or, as I call it, Singin' at the Bean)
Millennium Park, N. Michigan Ave. and E. Randolph St. (312) 742-1168
November 25 through December 16 every Friday at 6 p.m., a local choral group (it changes from week-to-week) will lead a 50-minute holiday sing-along. Complimentary warm beverages are provided by Caribou Coffee. You know what goes well with coffee in the wintertime? Booze. Bring a flask and you'll be sure to have a boozy good time.
McCormick Tribune Ice Rink
Millennium Park, Michigan Ave. between Washington and Madison St., (312) 742-1168
November 18, 2011 through March 11, 2012
What better way to enjoy the holiday season than balancing on two blades of metal over frozen water. The rink is open daily, but due to typical Chicago weather the hours may vary, so call ahead to ensure you get some skate time in. There's free admission to the rink, but if you don't own a pair of skates you'll have to rent them for $10. Oh, and bring a flask, it'll keep you warm. Cheers!
Friday, December 2
Winter WonderFest at Chicago's Navy Pier
Back for its 11th year, this holiday festival runs from December 2 through January 8, giving plenty of time to escape the winter blahs. Admission to the fest is free, but for rides and attractions you have to pay for an activity wristband. It's a little pricey, but with an enchanted 170,000-square-foot holiday playground, ice skating rink, and ropes course it sounds pretty sweet. There are more than 20 rides and attractions. Flasks are suggested.
Kiss Kiss Cabaret Ho Ho Holiday Shows
December 2, through December 31; Fridays, 11 p.m., $15-$20 ($60 for New Year's Eve show)
Green House Theater Center, 2257 N. Lincoln Ave., (773) 404-7336)
Join the Kiss Kiss Croquettes for some burlesque holiday fun (read: nude fun). The holiday show features a titillating opening with tons of sexy surprises and a heartwarming (read happy ending—OK, I made that one up) finale. If you like what you're reading, ring in the New Year with a two-hour special show. They even invite you to dance and drink onstage with the full company. The NYE show also includes appetizers, party favors, buffet, open bar, and a champagne toast. Sounds like a naked good time.
Saturday, December 3
SantaCon
520 S. Michigan Ave. at noon; free
Meet up with a couple hundred Santa's, slutty reindeers, and drunken elves, and hop from bar to bar for drink specials. For updates, check out the SantaCon Chicago Facebook page. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to ride on Santa's sleigh, you naughty, naughty reindeer.
4th Annual Ugly Sweater Pub Crawl
Meet at Houndstooth Saloon, 3369 N. Clark St., from noon to 3 p.m.; $20 to $30 (includes drink specials)
Shake the moth balls out of your gaudiest sweater, or throw on the one you got from your mom last year, and get drunk while supporting a charity. Last year 350 people wore atrocious Christmas sweaters, all in the name of charity. The organizer, GiveForward.com, donates money to Imerman's Angels, a one-on-one support site for cancer.
Sunday, December 4
Massages at Division Chiropractic and Acupuncture
1630 W. Division St.; (773) 276-2801; 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
After all that boozing Friday and Saturday, you'll probably need a relaxing Sunday. Why not head to Division and get a free massage and some refreshments. If you're feeling generous, buy a friend or loved one a gift certificate for a massage too. A flask is advised, you know, for the refreshments.
Other winter activities:
Caroling at Cloud Gate (Or, as I call it, Singin' at the Bean)
Millennium Park, N. Michigan Ave. and E. Randolph St. (312) 742-1168
November 25 through December 16 every Friday at 6 p.m., a local choral group (it changes from week-to-week) will lead a 50-minute holiday sing-along. Complimentary warm beverages are provided by Caribou Coffee. You know what goes well with coffee in the wintertime? Booze. Bring a flask and you'll be sure to have a boozy good time.
McCormick Tribune Ice Rink
Millennium Park, Michigan Ave. between Washington and Madison St., (312) 742-1168
November 18, 2011 through March 11, 2012
What better way to enjoy the holiday season than balancing on two blades of metal over frozen water. The rink is open daily, but due to typical Chicago weather the hours may vary, so call ahead to ensure you get some skate time in. There's free admission to the rink, but if you don't own a pair of skates you'll have to rent them for $10. Oh, and bring a flask, it'll keep you warm. Cheers!
***
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Free Shipping Through December at ScapeGoat Ink
Several years ago I was picking up a few last minute presents when I stopped at Target. The parking lot was mobbed, but I only needed to run in for a few things. I was in the store for roughly 10 minutes and in that time it had started snowing heavily. As I was leaving Target I noticed that a distant car had a wicked dent in the rear bumper. I remember thinking, "Man, sucks to be that guy." Apparently, I WAS that guy. My car had been hit while I was inside the store and, of course, there was no note of apology or even contact information. Needless to say, I learned my lesson. That's why this year, I'm doing things differently. As I proposed in my post about boycotting Black Friday I'm doing all my shopping online.
Since shopping online can still result in spending exorbitant amounts on shipping costs, I've decided to help my readers out this year. Starting today, ScapeGoat Ink will be offering free First Class shipping on any and all t-shirt orders through the month of December. There is no minimum purchase requirement. Whether you want one t-shirt or 12 t-shirts (I suggest making it an even 12, it just makes sense) you can still take advantage of our free shipping policy. All you have to do is pick your t-shirt(s), fill out the standard information for processing, and then click the "free shipping" option upon checkout. It's that simple.
Here are a few t-shirt suggestions for those looking for a gift for a family member, a special someone, a loved one, a friend, a neighbor, an enemy, a store clerk, a mailman, anyone with two arms, people that like to smile, human beings, primates, dogs, a tree stump, a snowman...Well, pretty much everyone or anything:
"Boredom kills more brain cells than any
amount of alcohol I've ever consumed."
~Hans Götman
This is just another example of the wisdom that is Hans Götman. Alcohol
warms the soul and evokes the belief that anything is possible. Always
keep this good advice handy by wearing it.
LiverStrong
Determination comes in many forms. This t-shirt not only shows your dedication to drinking, but it also guarantees that anyone wearing it has a washboard liver. Stay drunk, my friend.
Beer Me
Next time you head to the
local watering hole, put on this t-shirt, and let it do the
talking for you. Besides, this tee probably understands you better than your significant other ever could.
Front: Licensed Boobologist
Back: Free Mammograms
I think this t-shirt speaks for itself. You don't need a medical degree to touch boobies, er, I mean give professional mammograms in
the alley anymore. You're welcome.
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Since shopping online can still result in spending exorbitant amounts on shipping costs, I've decided to help my readers out this year. Starting today, ScapeGoat Ink will be offering free First Class shipping on any and all t-shirt orders through the month of December. There is no minimum purchase requirement. Whether you want one t-shirt or 12 t-shirts (I suggest making it an even 12, it just makes sense) you can still take advantage of our free shipping policy. All you have to do is pick your t-shirt(s), fill out the standard information for processing, and then click the "free shipping" option upon checkout. It's that simple.
Here are a few t-shirt suggestions for those looking for a gift for a family member, a special someone, a loved one, a friend, a neighbor, an enemy, a store clerk, a mailman, anyone with two arms, people that like to smile, human beings, primates, dogs, a tree stump, a snowman...Well, pretty much everyone or anything:
"Boredom kills more brain cells than any
amount of alcohol I've ever consumed."
~Hans Götman
LiverStrong
Beer Me
Front: Licensed Boobologist
Back: Free Mammograms
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or click the banner below.
Movember, We'll Miss You!
Sadly, today is the last day of Movember. It seems like just 30 days ago we were mere boys, still suckling on the teat of youth. Now, we're seasoned men who have been places and seen things that weren't accessible before our 'staches opened the gates of Mandom for us. Our moustaches finally reached their full month's potential, and they've been making the ladies swoon, blowing faces right off, and helping to raise awareness against that dirty little bastard known as Cancer. The brave men of Team ScapeGoat Ink Lip Ticklers who have journeyed with me have one final picture and a few words to recap their experience. Without further ado, here are our team members, looking dapper as always.
Warning: If you have a heart condition or a history of suffering from moustache-induced seizures, you may want to exit this page immediately. If your chair has a seat belt, I'd advise you put it on now.
Also, to all of you who have already supported our efforts and made donations, we sincerely appreciate it! Don't be sad, we'll be back again next year with superior panty-dropping 'staches. Movember, it's been real. Peace.
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.
Warning: If you have a heart condition or a history of suffering from moustache-induced seizures, you may want to exit this page immediately. If your chair has a seat belt, I'd advise you put it on now.
"My goal this month was to grow the most glorious moustache imaginable. I think I've achieved that, as you can tell by the painting I had commissioned of myself. Why? Because a picture captures a moment, but a self portrait captures success."
~Mike "Captain of Industry"
"I set out to answer one question this month: Can a man grow a moustache so glorious it can set things on fire? The answer is a five-alarm yes."
~Nick "Power 'Stache"
"I grew my mustache to gain people's trust and respect...and it worked."
~Chris "the Creep" Ferrell
Unfortunately I was unable to obtain an updated photograph of Chris. Apparently he was arrested on his birthday yesterday for allegedly breaking into an undisclosed retirement center and exposing himself to residents. The police report mentioned that shortly before Chris dropped his overcoat he was overheard muttering, "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly." Um, Happy late Birthday, Chris, wherever you are.
Moustache + Pistachio = Moustachio
~Lance "Nut Avenger"
Through Movember,
we've gained the right to look totally awesome for an entire month, all
while supporting a great cause. Today is the last day; please support our efforts by making a donation at http://mobro.co/ScapeGoatInk. You can even write a check payable to “Movember Foundation”, reference
our team name (ScapeGoat Ink Lip Ticklers) and Registration Number
393158 and send it to: Movember
Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726. Another option, if you purchase this shirt, we'll donate half of proceeds to Movember. ~Mike "Captain of Industry"
"I set out to answer one question this month: Can a man grow a moustache so glorious it can set things on fire? The answer is a five-alarm yes."
~Nick "Power 'Stache"
"I grew my mustache to gain people's trust and respect...and it worked."
~Chris "the Creep" Ferrell
Unfortunately I was unable to obtain an updated photograph of Chris. Apparently he was arrested on his birthday yesterday for allegedly breaking into an undisclosed retirement center and exposing himself to residents. The police report mentioned that shortly before Chris dropped his overcoat he was overheard muttering, "I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly." Um, Happy late Birthday, Chris, wherever you are.
Moustache + Pistachio = Moustachio
"Hairy lipped vigilante nut"
He, with the help of Movember, is protecting the nuts of the world.~Lance "Nut Avenger"
Also, to all of you who have already supported our efforts and made donations, we sincerely appreciate it! Don't be sad, we'll be back again next year with superior panty-dropping 'staches. Movember, it's been real. Peace.
***
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Edmund Fitzgerald Porter
We received a comment last week on our review of Newton's Folly Granny Smith Draft Cider from an anonymous person claiming to be my "Dad." This stranger offered several good suggestions on beers to try and a future post idea. Since we appreciate any feedback from our readers, I immediately ran out to the liquor store and grabbed one of the suggested brews to review. Thanks to the anonymous gentleman who left the comment that led to this post. Also, kind sir, let me know if you agree with my assessment of this beer. You can read the review and comments that sparked this week's beer review here. Bottom's up!
Edmund Fitzgerald is a hand-crafted porter from Great Lakes Brewing Co. out of Cleveland Ohio. According to the label, "[Edmund Fitzgerald is] named after the ship that frequently docked in Cleveland and sunk in Lake Superior in 1975." Two things I immediately like about this company: first, according to the label, this beer's brewers follow the Bavarian Purity Law of 1516, which essentially means it's brewed with all natural ingredients; no chemicals or preservatives were used. Two, they are environmentally conscious. Heck, the label is actually printed with soy-based ink. I think it's cool when any company, especially a local brewery, pays attention to their affect on the environment.
This porter contains 5.8% alcohol by volume and it pours very dark with a slight amber hue. It has a very malty robust smell. The flavors do not disappoint. This is not a beer for the faint of heart, or those who think of flavor as an afterthought. My first sip reminds me of a smoky campfire with a strong black coffee presence. After several sips, it actually tastes like someone stirred the brew with a charred log from the campfire. There's a definite bittersweet, smokiness that translates well in the cold weather. I think, like coffee, I could down two, but this isn't a brew I'd drink all night. It would go well with a hearty meal, like a thick, juicy steak and mashed potatoes. Cook it over an open fire and I'm sure you'll feel like a real cowboy. If any of my readers have had this brew before, leave me a comment (found at the bottom of this post after the banner) and let me know your opinion. Cheers!
Click here to read our review of Dortmunder Gold, another (lighter) brew from Great Lakes Brewing Co. that's also worth a go.
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.
Edmund Fitzgerald is a hand-crafted porter from Great Lakes Brewing Co. out of Cleveland Ohio. According to the label, "[Edmund Fitzgerald is] named after the ship that frequently docked in Cleveland and sunk in Lake Superior in 1975." Two things I immediately like about this company: first, according to the label, this beer's brewers follow the Bavarian Purity Law of 1516, which essentially means it's brewed with all natural ingredients; no chemicals or preservatives were used. Two, they are environmentally conscious. Heck, the label is actually printed with soy-based ink. I think it's cool when any company, especially a local brewery, pays attention to their affect on the environment.
This porter contains 5.8% alcohol by volume and it pours very dark with a slight amber hue. It has a very malty robust smell. The flavors do not disappoint. This is not a beer for the faint of heart, or those who think of flavor as an afterthought. My first sip reminds me of a smoky campfire with a strong black coffee presence. After several sips, it actually tastes like someone stirred the brew with a charred log from the campfire. There's a definite bittersweet, smokiness that translates well in the cold weather. I think, like coffee, I could down two, but this isn't a brew I'd drink all night. It would go well with a hearty meal, like a thick, juicy steak and mashed potatoes. Cook it over an open fire and I'm sure you'll feel like a real cowboy. If any of my readers have had this brew before, leave me a comment (found at the bottom of this post after the banner) and let me know your opinion. Cheers!
Click here to read our review of Dortmunder Gold, another (lighter) brew from Great Lakes Brewing Co. that's also worth a go.
***
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It's Officially the Christmas Season!
Now that Thanksgiving is over and Black Friday is behind us, it's officially the Christmas season, which is one of our favorite times of the year. The first snowfall is looming just ahead, while the frigid weather replaces the Oktoberfest and harvest beers in our fridge with the dark, rich, and flavorful beers of winter. Guinness makes that transition the smoothest. Not only is it a perfect balance between dark and creamy, but it's also good for you. Trust me, if I start to come down with a cold, it's usually because I haven't been drinking enough Guinness. Fight off the wintertime blues and stay healthy this Christmas season. Guinness, we salute you. Cheers!
***
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Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.
Boycott Black Friday, Use the Internet Instead
So, here's the brilliant idea that ScapeGoat Ink came up with for this year's Black Friday, or the Friday after Thanksgiving when people go insane for sale items Day. Listen, I think it's great to have people out there stimulating the economy; however, it's a bit messed up that people have literally been killed, trampled, shot, and even paralyzed during this day of shopping. I'm not an alarmist, nor did I make any of that shit up. Google Black Friday tragedies and there's your proof non-believers. Sales are awesome. You know what's not awesome? Killing someone for some shitty toy your kid will either break or prefer playing with the box it came in more than the actual toy. I get it, you love your kid, but you know what would show them that? How about not being sent to prison, or, oh I don't know, a hug or something?
Do you know what I'm doing today? I'm putting on my robe and slippers, making myself a Bloody Mary, and then chilling on the couch watching Three Amigos like a civilized human being. I don't like going to stores, waiting in lines, or being near sweaty shoppers. Listen, these deals are going to be happening throughout the holiday season. I propose you spend time with your family on your day off, and then log onto that crazy little thing called the information super highway and order all your Christmas gifts online this year. Hell, I know of a great company that would take care of all your needs that's thoughtful, hilarious, and perfect for anyone: ScapeGoat Ink t-shirts. Do the right thing.
***
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Do you know what I'm doing today? I'm putting on my robe and slippers, making myself a Bloody Mary, and then chilling on the couch watching Three Amigos like a civilized human being. I don't like going to stores, waiting in lines, or being near sweaty shoppers. Listen, these deals are going to be happening throughout the holiday season. I propose you spend time with your family on your day off, and then log onto that crazy little thing called the information super highway and order all your Christmas gifts online this year. Hell, I know of a great company that would take care of all your needs that's thoughtful, hilarious, and perfect for anyone: ScapeGoat Ink t-shirts. Do the right thing.
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.
Happy Thanksgiving, from ScapeGoat Ink!
Thank you to all our friends, family, and loved ones who have supported us through the years. Not only do you laugh at the funny things we write and do, but you also fake laugh when we're not quite as successful, and for that we thank you! Happy Thanksgiving to all, we wish you an evening filled with delicious food, good drinks, and even better conversations! Here's a clip from the hit CBS show How I Met Your Mother, featuring Marshall's Happy Slapsgiving song. Enjoy!
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.
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Happy Black Wednesday!
Since the beginning of time, men and women have been venturing out in droves on the eve of Thanksgiving to drink until they can't drink anymore. Why? Because within 24 hours your safe place, your sanctuary, will no longer be your own. Instead, you'll be sharing it with distant relatives, like your
second cousin who always brings her deformed, hairless, dog that spends hours
licking his parts. Or, your crazy Aunt Beatrice who regales you of her triumphant wins at solitaire. Don't forget old Uncle Bruce who yammers on about his football glory days where he claims to have played second-string quarterback on the JV squad, but really he was captain of the baton club. Drink tonight because tomorrow your distant relatives will descend upon your home like locusts, swarming your house with unpleasant questions like, "Have you found a job yet, or did you retire at 29?", "Did you get stung by a bee, or are you usually that round in the face?", "You look like you've got soft hands. Can you rub this anti-fungal cream on me?" With that said, have fun tonight and try not to make next year's video clip. Enjoy!
***
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Happy Black Wednesday, Thanksgiving Eve, or whatever else you might call tonight. Remember, drink responsibly, use designated drivers, and have a night to remember. I look forward to hearing your tales of alcoholic escape tomorrow morning. Cheers!
***
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Newton's Folly: Granny Smith Draft Cider
I'm not normally a hard cider drinker. Hell, I don't even know if I've ever actually drunk one before; however, with the fall weather and Thanksgiving in two days, I figured I'd pop my cider cherry and try something new. Last time I was at Trader Joe's, I grabbed a six pack of Newton's Folly Granny Smith Draft Cider. It's 5% alcohol by volume, which could provide a decent punch.
Newton's Folly has a crisp, clean taste. Initially it's sweet, but not overwhelming. It finishes with a nice little tart kick. It's not something I'd sit down and drink several of, but one or two could be refreshing. According to the nutritional label (another indicator that I'm drinking a hard cider and not a beer) this bad boy has 160 calories. I have no idea if that's good or not because when I'm drinking I'm less concerned with calories and more concerned with getting my buzz on. Hard cider, you are so foreign to me. After about half a bottle, I noticed the tartness turns acidic. It's starting to taste like a caramel apple sucker after the caramel's been removed and a little kid was slobbering on it. Perhaps my mistake lies in going with Granny Smith instead of the traditional-style cider, but I had hoped the tartness would cut down the sweetness. It has a dry aftertaste, similar to a cheap sparkling wine. I do not believe I'll be purchasing this hard cider again.
ScapeGoat Ink's folly was buying a six pack of this cider. I was overly optimistic that I'd enjoy the cider so much that I'd want five more of them. That was not the case. Heck, even alcoholic girlfriend was not a fan, and she's actually toyed with the idea of using tomato soup to make a Bloody Mary. That, my dear readers, is a very true story. Now I'm stuck with four hard ciders in my fridge. Maybe I can dump one out and put a live mouse in the bottle, like Bob and Doug McKenzie did, take it back to Trader Joe's, and demand a refund and some free bacon for my troubles. Mmmmm bacon...
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Newton's Folly has a crisp, clean taste. Initially it's sweet, but not overwhelming. It finishes with a nice little tart kick. It's not something I'd sit down and drink several of, but one or two could be refreshing. According to the nutritional label (another indicator that I'm drinking a hard cider and not a beer) this bad boy has 160 calories. I have no idea if that's good or not because when I'm drinking I'm less concerned with calories and more concerned with getting my buzz on. Hard cider, you are so foreign to me. After about half a bottle, I noticed the tartness turns acidic. It's starting to taste like a caramel apple sucker after the caramel's been removed and a little kid was slobbering on it. Perhaps my mistake lies in going with Granny Smith instead of the traditional-style cider, but I had hoped the tartness would cut down the sweetness. It has a dry aftertaste, similar to a cheap sparkling wine. I do not believe I'll be purchasing this hard cider again.
ScapeGoat Ink's folly was buying a six pack of this cider. I was overly optimistic that I'd enjoy the cider so much that I'd want five more of them. That was not the case. Heck, even alcoholic girlfriend was not a fan, and she's actually toyed with the idea of using tomato soup to make a Bloody Mary. That, my dear readers, is a very true story. Now I'm stuck with four hard ciders in my fridge. Maybe I can dump one out and put a live mouse in the bottle, like Bob and Doug McKenzie did, take it back to Trader Joe's, and demand a refund and some free bacon for my troubles. Mmmmm bacon...
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Guinness + Turkey = Amazing
In honor of Thanksgiving this Thursday, I thought I would take a break from all the talk about micowaved wine, mustachioed men, the Devil's piss, and sexy chocolate wine night and focus on what I'm truly thankful for on this terrible day known as Monday. I, ScapeGoat Ink, am thankful for family, friends, and all things booze-related. A subcategory to booze-related being food that's cooked with booze. The way I look at it is, if I can't drink me some booze, I want to eat me some booze. And what better food holiday is there than Turkey Day? None, trust me, I've done extensive research into the subject and I have found conclusive evidence that all points to T-Day.
Traditionally, I go to my grandparent's house to celebrate Thanksgiving with amazing food and loud conversations that turn into loud drunk conversations, and alcoholic girlfriend spends the holiday with her family. Last year, alcoholic girlfriend let me in on a secret. Her mom, Ms. Laughies, was attempting, for the first time, to brine an entire turkey in Guinness. WHAT?! I love Guinness and I love turkey, so the idea of marrying them together was pure genius. I asked alcoholic girlfriend if there was any possible way she could save me a piece, to which she replied, "I'll see what I can do." I was not particularly optimistic.
Before I continue, there are four things you need to know about Ms. Laughies, 1. She can cook; 2. She can drink; 3. If she's been drinking and someone makes her laugh, she could potentially get the "laughies" (hence her name) and have to return home immediately; 4. She doesn't care who's talking to her, or even where she is, if she hears a tune she likes she'll drop everything, even a conversation, and start rockin' out to it. With that said, I was delightfully surprised when alcoholic girlfriend came home with a bag of leftovers. Not only did she bring me a sample of Guinness turkey, she brought me an entire turkey leg. A. WHOLE. LEG. I shit you not; I devoured that bad boy so quickly that I actually scared myself. It was amazeballs. For weeks and months after eating it I dreamed of it nightly. I apologize, but I'm going to get a little graphic here, I wanted to impregnate that turkey leg. Sorry, but to truly appreciate the deliciousness of what I'd eaten, I needed to get real for a second. Not only was I graced with an opportunity to taste it for the first time, but alcoholic girlfriend has actually made this recipe as well, and she did not disappoint.
Since this post is all about me raving about an amazing recipe, I had to allow my readers an opportunity to recreate it in time for Turkey Day. Let me also clarify, you don't have to be Irish, a heavy beer drinker, or even a fan of Guinness (shame on you for not being one) to enjoy this turkey because it tastes like very flavorful, little crispy angel wings with a juicy, succulent center. How does that NOT sound good to you? Trust me, your friends, your family, your guests, hell, even your weird Uncle Remus will enjoy this bold, new take on plain old turkey. Click here for the recipe, courtesy of Bon Appetit magazine. And, of course, a special thanks goes out to Ms. Laughies for bringing this delight to my attention, and stomach, in the first place. Cheers!
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Traditionally, I go to my grandparent's house to celebrate Thanksgiving with amazing food and loud conversations that turn into loud drunk conversations, and alcoholic girlfriend spends the holiday with her family. Last year, alcoholic girlfriend let me in on a secret. Her mom, Ms. Laughies, was attempting, for the first time, to brine an entire turkey in Guinness. WHAT?! I love Guinness and I love turkey, so the idea of marrying them together was pure genius. I asked alcoholic girlfriend if there was any possible way she could save me a piece, to which she replied, "I'll see what I can do." I was not particularly optimistic.
Before I continue, there are four things you need to know about Ms. Laughies, 1. She can cook; 2. She can drink; 3. If she's been drinking and someone makes her laugh, she could potentially get the "laughies" (hence her name) and have to return home immediately; 4. She doesn't care who's talking to her, or even where she is, if she hears a tune she likes she'll drop everything, even a conversation, and start rockin' out to it. With that said, I was delightfully surprised when alcoholic girlfriend came home with a bag of leftovers. Not only did she bring me a sample of Guinness turkey, she brought me an entire turkey leg. A. WHOLE. LEG. I shit you not; I devoured that bad boy so quickly that I actually scared myself. It was amazeballs. For weeks and months after eating it I dreamed of it nightly. I apologize, but I'm going to get a little graphic here, I wanted to impregnate that turkey leg. Sorry, but to truly appreciate the deliciousness of what I'd eaten, I needed to get real for a second. Not only was I graced with an opportunity to taste it for the first time, but alcoholic girlfriend has actually made this recipe as well, and she did not disappoint.
Since this post is all about me raving about an amazing recipe, I had to allow my readers an opportunity to recreate it in time for Turkey Day. Let me also clarify, you don't have to be Irish, a heavy beer drinker, or even a fan of Guinness (shame on you for not being one) to enjoy this turkey because it tastes like very flavorful, little crispy angel wings with a juicy, succulent center. How does that NOT sound good to you? Trust me, your friends, your family, your guests, hell, even your weird Uncle Remus will enjoy this bold, new take on plain old turkey. Click here for the recipe, courtesy of Bon Appetit magazine. And, of course, a special thanks goes out to Ms. Laughies for bringing this delight to my attention, and stomach, in the first place. Cheers!
***
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There's More to Movember Than Just Raising Awareness
Well ladies and gentlemen, it's finally Friday. Normally, every Friday is wonderful. It marks the end of the work week, the beginning of the weekend, which in turn creates many opportunities for drunken shenanigans and the ever sought after lazy Sunday. However, this particular Friday, November 18, marks an extra special occasion. Unfortunately for the bald of lip, the 'stacheless, smooth-faced, barren between the nose and mouth, hairless men of the world, this is not a celebration for you. Instead, this day is for the cancer-fighting, mustachioed men, and the women who love them.
Warning: this video is truth. Once you view it you have to respect its wishes and do whatever it says. Trust me, would I lie to you? It may also make all the men who are not participating in Movember this year want to sign up immediately for next year. Also, it does contain some strong language, so if you're in an office setting use caution.
If you haven't already, please support our team, Scapegoatink Lip Ticklers, efforts by making a donation at http://mobro.co/ScapeGoatInk. You can even write a check payable to “Movember Foundation”, reference our team name and Registration Number 393158 and send it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726. To those who have already donated, we thank you!
Cheers, and you're welcome, fellas!
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Warning: this video is truth. Once you view it you have to respect its wishes and do whatever it says. Trust me, would I lie to you? It may also make all the men who are not participating in Movember this year want to sign up immediately for next year. Also, it does contain some strong language, so if you're in an office setting use caution.
I bet you wish you were rockin' a righteous lip guardian right now, don't you?
If you haven't already, please support our team, Scapegoatink Lip Ticklers, efforts by making a donation at http://mobro.co/ScapeGoatInk. You can even write a check payable to “Movember Foundation”, reference our team name and Registration Number 393158 and send it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726. To those who have already donated, we thank you!
Cheers, and you're welcome, fellas!
***
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Camo Black: Now You See Me, Now You Don't
Well folks, it's time for another edition of ScapeGoat Ink Don't Drink That! Last time we went the classy route of chocolate flavored wine with ChocoVine in When Pairings Go Awry. Since that evening was übersexy, I thought it might be a good idea to take it down a notch (or several) and try something with some balls. That's why this week I'm cracking open an aggressive can of Camo Black Ice XXXX (that's the way the label screams it), a 24-fluid ounce can of high gravity lager boasting 10.5% alcohol by volume. Yeah, it's about to get real in here.
It's time to get my testosterone on. Just as I suspected, it smells like old man beer...with some balls. It tastes surprisingly sweeter than I was expecting. The flavors are a little strange. At first, I was leaning toward an unsweetened cider made with rancid apples, but now I detect a light beer cut with bad wine. Hell, I might even venture to say it's kind of like drinking vermouth straight with a beer chaser. I will admit, I do feel weird; Not from drinking it, but from NOT drinking it out of a brown paper bag. All I had was plastic bags and I don't think that would do anything for my street cred. Stupid plastic bags. After drinking about a quarter of the can, it kind of makes me want to light a garbage can on fire and stand around it harmonizing like Frank Stallone in Rocky. Not really the vibe I was expecting to get, but I don't hate it.
To call this smooth is like saying that saxophones are sexy, it's just not true. I feel like I've had to force it down most of the way and, with the can almost gone, it tastes a little like dead flowers now. For the $1.50 I paid, I deserve the hangover I'm going to get tomorrow. Wait a minute, I feel like I'm starting to get a headache. Is this laced with something? I feel paranoid. Even empty, the Camo can appears menacing. I don't want to turn my back on it for fear that I'll get a shiv in the calf and my wallet stolen. I'm starting to get a little drowsy. Maybe I'll just lie down on the couch for a moment.
What the hell, where did this pizza come from? Wait a minute, why are my pants unzipped and who took a bite of that pizza? Holy shit, is my calf bleeding!? Great, my wallets gone. I think I've just been Camo-ed.
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Movember: We're Halfway There...
Well, we've hit the halfway mark of Movember and, if I do say so myself, I think our 'staches are blooming into wonderfully shaped lip sweaters. A few of the brave and manly men of Team ScapeGoat Ink Lip Ticklers decided to throw themselves, lip first, into this event and allow me to display their progress. Keep in mind that this is only a little over two weeks of growth, with only two weeks left to grow. With that said, I think we all look pretty damn sexy. Take that ball cancer!
Through Movember, we've gained the right to look totally awesome for an entire month, all while supporting a great cause. Please support our efforts by making a donation at http://mobro.co/ScapeGoatInk. You can even write a check payable to “Movember Foundation”, reference our team name (ScapeGoat Ink Lip Ticklers) and Registration Number 393158 and send it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726. Another option, if you purchase this shirt, we'll donate half of proceeds to Movember at the end of the month.
We only have two weeks left to enhance what little lip hair we already have and raise awareness and funds, so please come along for the ride. Also, to all of you who have already supported our effort and made donations, we sincerely appreciate it! Thank you so much!
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My eyes say, "I'm a gentleman" while my 'stache says, "I'm going to wear you like a hat."
~Mike "Classy Mall cop"
"Call it what you will: The Motorhead, The General Lee, Friendly Muttonchops. One thing is certain—it grows on you."
~Nick "Wicked Chops"
Special shout out to Nick for being the only member to represent with an official ScapeGoat Ink t-shirt. Kudos to you sir!
"I grew the 'stache instead of registering as a sex offender. I figure the neighbors will just know."
~Chris "the Creep"
Pollination ain't just for the bees. My man is sporting a power 'stache, potent enough to impregnate that flower. Take that stupid bees!
~Lance "Mr. Pollination"
~Mike "Classy Mall cop"
"Call it what you will: The Motorhead, The General Lee, Friendly Muttonchops. One thing is certain—it grows on you."
~Nick "Wicked Chops"
Special shout out to Nick for being the only member to represent with an official ScapeGoat Ink t-shirt. Kudos to you sir!
"I grew the 'stache instead of registering as a sex offender. I figure the neighbors will just know."
~Chris "the Creep"
Pollination ain't just for the bees. My man is sporting a power 'stache, potent enough to impregnate that flower. Take that stupid bees!
~Lance "Mr. Pollination"
Through Movember, we've gained the right to look totally awesome for an entire month, all while supporting a great cause. Please support our efforts by making a donation at http://mobro.co/ScapeGoatInk. You can even write a check payable to “Movember Foundation”, reference our team name (ScapeGoat Ink Lip Ticklers) and Registration Number 393158 and send it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726. Another option, if you purchase this shirt, we'll donate half of proceeds to Movember at the end of the month.
We only have two weeks left to enhance what little lip hair we already have and raise awareness and funds, so please come along for the ride. Also, to all of you who have already supported our effort and made donations, we sincerely appreciate it! Thank you so much!
***
Looking for funny T-shirts? Type www.scapegoatink.com into your web browser or simply click the banner below.