I Review "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship" Slideshow
I had an entirely different post planned for today, but I had to switch gears at the last minute because I found another alcohol-related article on the Xfinity news feed claiming some absurdities that needed addressing. If you missed my previous article review of "10 Hangover Remedies: What Work's?" you can read it here. Today's article, "What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status," is actually a slideshow from TheDailyMeal.com. The author's name is again conveniently missing, so I've created a name for the person down below. I've omitted the oversize pictures and included just the writing; my response can be found below each entry.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
TheDailyMeal.com: What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status
By: Boner McGee
Whiskey Neat: You're single and looking to find a date.
When someone orders whiskey neat it means they're single and looking to mingle? Well, my dad has a lot of explaining to do because, other than beer, all the man drinks is whiskey neat. Great, I had to find out from a shitty slideshow that every time my old man orders this drink, it really means he's trying to "pick up." Mom, I'm sorry you had to find out this way too. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Long Island Iced Tea: You're single and looking to hookup with someone, anyone.
See, I thought this signature drink was just a bang for your buck since it's loaded with alcohol, little did I know that it's also meant to attract a bang for your crotch. I think it's safe to say that if you're at a bar and you're single, you'll approach anyone who doesn't look like Large Marge (Self-five for obscure Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure reference) or Gary Busey, regardless of what drink is in their hand. Have I consumed a Long Island Iced Tea before? Yes. Did it result in anything good happening? No. I woke up with a hangover and a bed mate, which happened to be the other half of the burrito I started eating the night before as I cried myself to sleep.
Martini, straight up and dirty: You're on a first date and looking to impress.
You know what impresses people? Helicopters. If you arrive for your date in a helicopter, or pick up your date in one, then yes, I'm impressed. Listen, just because you put on your cleanest tuxedo t-shirt and wear pants does not mean you're classy or impressing anyone. Same goes for this iconic drink. The only person who ever got anywhere with the opposite sex as a result of drinking a martini is the iconic James Bond, and that alley cat from Tom & Jerry. I'm pretty sure he got some (insert pun here), after the episode ended.
Red wine, with dinner: Yes! You're on the second date and already planning the third.
OK, you got me again, poorly written slideshow. I was under the impression that this was going to highlight drinks that make a statement about your personality that the opposite sex can then dissect and formulate a plan to get in said persons heart...or, pants. I didn't realize this was just a progression of what people might drink if they're single and then in a relationship. On a side note, if you actually read any of these articles or slideshows for any other reason than for a good laugh, then you're in for a very long, cold, and lonely life. Try this, act normal, wash yourself daily, and don't talk about your cats like they're people. They're not people, they're cats. Boom. You're welcome.
The bottle of sauvignon blanc you were saving for your friend's dinner party: It's the first time you casually invite them in for a drink (you can pick up a new bottle for your friends party.)
So, if you're willing to sacrifice a bottle of wine on someone you're dating that's a good sign. By that logic I am the most amazing boyfriend ever because I constantly buy people booze as presents and then drink them with alcoholic girlfriend. In this scenario, it's obvious that the "friend" gets shafted because I'm sure the same quality of wine is not bought as a replacement. Let me guess, this person buys two buck chuck from Trader Joe's instead of the $20 bottle of wine they drank. What a dick.
Mimosas and Bloody Marys: It's the first Sunday morning after you've spent the entire weekend together for the first time in blissful coupledom.
I get it, because it's a morning drink. I assumed this was going to be a poorly written slideshow about how to assess the opposite sex through the drinks they're consuming, instead it's just someone writing about the drinks they've had throughout their relationship.
Tequila shots for everyone, on you: It's the first time you go out with his or her friends and you want to make a good impression.
Tequila is not the best way to make a good impression. I can drink tequila fairly well, but I do know some people that turn into absolute monsters after just a sip or two. I mean the last thing you want to do when your meeting your lover's (Yep, I just did a full body shudder after writing that. No matter how you read it, it still sounds creepy) friends for the first time is give them something that could potentially unleash their inner beast and make them dance on a table or stab you.
Any beer that's on tap, and keep them coming: You're meeting your friend at a bar, completely distraught, after your first fight.
See, this is where I'd suggest either a Long Island Iced Tea or a whiskey neat because while you're getting absolutely sloshed, any boner who's seen this terrible slideshow will think you're available and then they will hit on you, which will boost your ego and make you forget about what's their face. Wait, so the slideshow people didn't break up yet? Oh, well, yeah, I'd stick with beer then.
A bottle of something fizzy, like lambrusco: It's six months into the relationship, you're at your favorite Italian restaurant, when you realize you might love each other.
I understand love moves at its own pace and dating is all about getting to know and learn about the person you're with, specifically their likes and passions in life and whether they keep a box of hair under their bed, or if they seem like they might cut you while you're sleeping. You know, the important stuff. I think it's interesting that the time frame of six months is used to illustrate when it's appropriate to think about whether you might love the person you've been getting hammered with all this time.
Lots and lots of Champagne: You're at your cousins wedding, and he or she is meeting your entire extended family for the first time.
So let me get this straight, two people, one a whiskey neat drinker and the other a Long Island Iced Tea chugger, meet alone at a bar with no friends of either party to be found. This couple then goes on their first date to Olive Garden, presumably, where the portions are appropriately the size of a car tire. There you both order a dirty martini straight up to, you know, impress each other. Obviously it's worked like a charm because that James Bond-esque date just turned into a red wine kind of second date. There is murmur of a third date, which sounds great, especially after your delightful conversation about how cats are NOT people. Looks like you both agree to advance this crazy little thing to the next level where you can both share a bottle of really great, expensive wine that was meant for your friend, but screw them they can drink urine for all you care; besides you're in a big person relationship now. Uh oh, looks like that irreplaceable bottle of wine you two shared made you both a bit "sleepy," no worries, you can always enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary in the morning.
Looks like it's time to finally meet your partner's friends, since they were conveniently not at the bar when you two met, and get shitty on some tequila. Yikes, looks like tequila was a bad idea (I told you so) because it turns out that your partner actually loves cats so much that they dress them in funny little costumes on the weekend as a hobby. A fight ensues and beers are needed. After 17 much needed warm Schlitz's you realize that you actually think cat are people too, but you read somewhere that you should never tell people things like that because it makes their skin crawl. Jeez, has it been six months already? It's time for another date at good ol' Olive Garden to celebrate and discuss how you really like each other and might even "L" word them. Time to celebrate with lambrusco, which is fate because you're at an Italian restaurant drinking Italian wine. OMG, your cousin Wayne is getting married? Looks like you two have something to look forward to in the future, like babies (i.e. cats dressed like babies), but before then you must pop some bubbly at Wayne's wedding and finally say the "l" word to each others faces. And that, according to a shitty slideshow, is how you fall in love. Boom.
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Posted by ScapeGoat Ink at 1/24/2012 5:39 PM 
Categories: Booze News, ScapeGoat Rants
Tags: Xfinity news feed What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status TheDailyMeal.com whiskey neat Long Island Iced Tea Large Marge Pee Wee's Big Adventure Gary Busey Tom and Jerry cartoon martini red wine sauvignon blanc mimosas bloody marys tequila beer lambrusco champagne James Bond
Categories: Booze News, ScapeGoat Rants
Tags: Xfinity news feed What Your Drink Says About Your Relationship Status TheDailyMeal.com whiskey neat Long Island Iced Tea Large Marge Pee Wee's Big Adventure Gary Busey Tom and Jerry cartoon martini red wine sauvignon blanc mimosas bloody marys tequila beer lambrusco champagne James Bond
So, i guess Ive been doing it all wrong. Time to get on the wiskey/long island train. Im single! It Also solves the problem of finding someone who is as interested in my drink as they are interested in me buying them drinks.....wait, i still dont think i get it
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Mini lobes, I don't think even the people who created the slide show got it. Wanna find a man? Ditch the bar scene and head to the hardware store for some grade A beef cakes. Plus, if only Clint Howard's are walking through the door instead of Ed Harris's, the whole store is your playground.
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That's exactly how I fell in love.
Horrible slide show...not even close to what it "says about you".
Whiskey Neat says you have embraced your own masculinity and truly can appreciate good alcohol.
Long Island Iced Tea shows that you have progressed beyond beer and are in general slightly adventurous really only for appearances sake. It's "safe" while trying to look "in the know".
Martini - there's a trendiness to this but it fits both ends of the spectrum. You're either a pretender or a hard core drinker.
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In only a few sentences you were able to assess what a drink might say about a person more succinctly than the entire slideshow did, or ever could have. Well done, "Sam." We should go to a bar soon so we can assess each other by what drinks are ordered.
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