Dipso Facto ScapeGoat Ink: Classic Beer Commercial #1: Schlitz

Dipso Facto Scapegoat Ink

Classic Beer Commercial #1: Schlitz

Remember how cool beer commercials used to be? Well, this week I'm trying out a new feature where I track down some classic beer commercials from back in the day, I assure you I'll only select the highest of quality, and put them back in the spotlight where they belong. This week, it's Schlitz's time to shine. I found this 90s gem among a handful of other quality beer commercials, but it stuck out because it's just so damn cool. Everything about it screams cool. Sorry PETA, but it's a fact that every time this video clip is viewed, a bald eagle bursts into flames. Enjoy!

What did I learn from this video? Boston is still a kick ass band and the song "More than a Feeling" still rocks. I need to buy a motorcycle immediately. Aviator glasses will never go out of style. Ever. The bigger the frames the better, and if you can afford the mirrored kind, do it. The added expense will be worth it when you're about to seal the deal with a supermodel and she uses your avi's (that's cool-people talk for aviator sun glasses) to apply her lipstick in a seductive manner as she starts to invite you in for a "drink" (I hope everyone realizes that "drink" in this instance clearly means fornication). Don't ever second guess yourself when someone makes fun of you for wearing cowboy boots at the beach, their laughter is just jealousy coming out in spurts. Oh, and that uni-brow you've been over plucking for almost a decade? Stop, you don't need to anymore. Trust me, chick's find body hair sexy, especially excessive eyebrow hair.

A four pack of beer should always be kept close to ones person, like zipped in a leather jacket on a hot summer day to keep it...warm? Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. However, tying strings to your fan does because then you always know when it's on or off, instead of having to think about it. If furniture's not in use, cover it with white sheets because A.) it keeps the upholstery fresh and new, and B.) it makes for really cool forts at night.

OK the end of the video was a little confusing. If someone stole my sweet ass hog (that's cool-people talk for motorcycle) and left me a cold beer in exchange I'd appreciate the gesture, especially since my jacket four-pack was warm, but I would NOT think it was funny at all. I'd call the cops immediately and press charges, even if it was the supermodel that I had just had a really deep "convo" with (Again, "convo" is short for conversation, which means sex in this instance). Wait a minute, what if the leather-clad dude was actually a stalker who broke into the woman's house to kidnap her and hold her hostage while he got tweaked on Schlitz's? Then it makes complete sense that she was in such a hurry and didn't hesitate to steal his motorcycle. She was probably on her way to alert the authorities that the creepy Schlitz Stalker, presumably what the newspapers would be calling him, was at her beach house trying to seduce her with his warm four pack of Schlitz. Oh well, I guess we'll never know. One last thought before I conclude this post—when you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer.