Happy Groundhog Day 2012!
Happy Groundhog Day! According to the morning news, Punxsutawney Phil saw his fat little shadow today, which means we're in for 6 more weeks of winter. However, with the way this winter weather has been so far, I don't mind a bit. With that said, I realized that all the years I've been celebrating this holiday, I never really understood why we celebrate it in the first place. And, since Schoolhouse Rock taught me that knowledge is power, I decided to become more powerful today and, as a bonus, I've decided to share that power with you all, my fair blog readers.
I wanted some answers, so I turned to the internet and, using my sleuthing skills and my degree in Journalism (Thanks, Dad, today might be the day that the college education finally pays off), I got to the bottom of this supposed holiday named "Groundhog Day." Well, sort of. I started my search with the ever-reliable Groundhog.org, which has to be of the highest authority since it's home to Punxsutawney Phil, of Punxsutawney, PA fame. Besides, why would they lie to me (unless they had something to hide)? Just as I was getting my notepad and pencil ready to do some serious detectiving (trust me, I'm a journalist, it's a word), I discovered that the site did a lot of the legwork for me, so instead I just navigated right to the Frequently Asked Question section. I'll assume this section was created because there were other ballsy knowledge-seekers looking for answers to get right down to the nitty gritty of it all. I was wrong. This is what I discovered:
"Yes! Punxsutawney Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.
First of all, I copied these exactly as they appear in the FAQ section. Um, where's the question, you ask? This should have been my first indication that this organization was not going to be entirely truthful with me. What if the question was, "Hey, is Groundhog Day really a sham?" and the organization just decided to disregard the original question and answer something a little easier. Not cool, organization. Not cool. Since they did provide an answer, I feel it my duty to offer a response. They claim Phil is the only true seer and the rest are imposters (I'll assume they mean weathermen and women are frauds), but I feel like they're just trying to prevent Americans from running out and buying their own weather-predicting groundhog. How do we know Phil is the only one? I think it's a way to force us to pay for premium weather stations, so that the Tom Skilling's of the world can reap the benefits. I'm putting my foot down. I'm canceling my premium weather channel subscription and I'm urging you all to join me and buy yourself a groundhog. Trust me, I crunched the number and we'll save hundreds of dollars, especially since g-hogs work for sunshine, smiles, and pickles, I believe. Boom. I'm already saving you people money with this investigation.
How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!
So, Phil is like The House in this equation, which means he never loses. Well, well, it sounds like my money-saving plan is going to work after all.
How many "Phil's" have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 125 years!
Shit, maybe my idea of everyone in America owning a groundhog was a bad one. I mean, you don't want a rodent that can outlive you hanging out in your home, do you? I'm sure those little shits are just counting down the years before we're all old and decrepit and then they can overpower us and eat our faces off. Cancel that, Weathermen and women are back on. Groundhogs are out.
Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.
"Elixir of life"? Seven more years with one sip? So that means he's had to of drunk it at least 18 times already. So, if someone were to steal the elixir and prevent him from drinking it, theoretically he'd die this summer. Hmmm. What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking out loud.
On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob.
According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
See, this is the part that always throws me for a loop. If Phil sees his shadow that means it's sunny out, which in my mind indicates nice weather. So, why, pray tell, would his shadow indicate that there is more winter to come? Wait a minute, how do we know the "Inner Circle" doesn't just (gasp) make it up in advance?
No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.
Well, crap! There goes my theory. These people are good...maybe TOO good. Wait a second, did they say Groundhogese? Ah, screw it, it actually sounds like truth to me.
The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're following some old crap that settlers started? Um, anyone remember the Salem Witch Trials? Settlers were batshit crazy. Sure they started the new world for us, but they also brought over dysentery, broken arms, and snake bites. Shit, hold on, I'm just thinking about the awesome computer game, Oregon Trails. Never mind, disregard what I just typed.
Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob again.
So the story goes, Punxsutawney Phil was named after King Phillip. Prior to being called Phil, he was called Br'er Groundhog."
Well, this bit of information is clearly the only nonfactual portion of this FAQ section. I mean really, King Phillip? Who would respect, or even pay allegiance to a King Phillip? Yuck, no one, that's who. Now, a King Throat Punch, King Fightmaster, King Magnus, King Ron Swansen, or even King Darren all sound like fearless and respectable kings I'd be thrilled to throw my support behind and ride into battle with. Pay homage to a King Phillip? Yeah right. I'd rather own a groundhog that will eventually eat my face when I reach the ripe old age of 94, presumably directly after winning a pizza eating contest.
Since my research resulted in zeroes worth of knowledge, I will share with you a video clip of the greatest Groundhog Day movie EVER, starring the ever-amazing, Bill Murray! My brother and I make it a point to get drunk and watch this cinematic classic every year on February 2. Enjoy! Ned Ryerson—Bing!
I wanted some answers, so I turned to the internet and, using my sleuthing skills and my degree in Journalism (Thanks, Dad, today might be the day that the college education finally pays off), I got to the bottom of this supposed holiday named "Groundhog Day." Well, sort of. I started my search with the ever-reliable Groundhog.org, which has to be of the highest authority since it's home to Punxsutawney Phil, of Punxsutawney, PA fame. Besides, why would they lie to me (unless they had something to hide)? Just as I was getting my notepad and pencil ready to do some serious detectiving (trust me, I'm a journalist, it's a word), I discovered that the site did a lot of the legwork for me, so instead I just navigated right to the Frequently Asked Question section. I'll assume this section was created because there were other ballsy knowledge-seekers looking for answers to get right down to the nitty gritty of it all. I was wrong. This is what I discovered:
"Yes! Punxsutawney Phil is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The others are just impostors.
First of all, I copied these exactly as they appear in the FAQ section. Um, where's the question, you ask? This should have been my first indication that this organization was not going to be entirely truthful with me. What if the question was, "Hey, is Groundhog Day really a sham?" and the organization just decided to disregard the original question and answer something a little easier. Not cool, organization. Not cool. Since they did provide an answer, I feel it my duty to offer a response. They claim Phil is the only true seer and the rest are imposters (I'll assume they mean weathermen and women are frauds), but I feel like they're just trying to prevent Americans from running out and buying their own weather-predicting groundhog. How do we know Phil is the only one? I think it's a way to force us to pay for premium weather stations, so that the Tom Skilling's of the world can reap the benefits. I'm putting my foot down. I'm canceling my premium weather channel subscription and I'm urging you all to join me and buy yourself a groundhog. Trust me, I crunched the number and we'll save hundreds of dollars, especially since g-hogs work for sunshine, smiles, and pickles, I believe. Boom. I'm already saving you people money with this investigation.
How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!
So, Phil is like The House in this equation, which means he never loses. Well, well, it sounds like my money-saving plan is going to work after all.
How many "Phil's" have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 125 years!
Shit, maybe my idea of everyone in America owning a groundhog was a bad one. I mean, you don't want a rodent that can outlive you hanging out in your home, do you? I'm sure those little shits are just counting down the years before we're all old and decrepit and then they can overpower us and eat our faces off. Cancel that, Weathermen and women are back on. Groundhogs are out.
Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.
"Elixir of life"? Seven more years with one sip? So that means he's had to of drunk it at least 18 times already. So, if someone were to steal the elixir and prevent him from drinking it, theoretically he'd die this summer. Hmmm. What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking out loud.
On February 2, Phil comes out of his burrow on Gobbler's Knob - in front of thousands of followers from all over the world - to predict the weather for the rest of winter.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob.
According to legend, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
See, this is the part that always throws me for a loop. If Phil sees his shadow that means it's sunny out, which in my mind indicates nice weather. So, why, pray tell, would his shadow indicate that there is more winter to come? Wait a minute, how do we know the "Inner Circle" doesn't just (gasp) make it up in advance?
No! Phil's forecasts are not made in advance by the Inner Circle. After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in "Groundhogese"(a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world.
Well, crap! There goes my theory. These people are good...maybe TOO good. Wait a second, did they say Groundhogese? Ah, screw it, it actually sounds like truth to me.
The celebration of Groundhog Day began with Pennsylvania's earliest settlers. They brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, "For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're following some old crap that settlers started? Um, anyone remember the Salem Witch Trials? Settlers were batshit crazy. Sure they started the new world for us, but they also brought over dysentery, broken arms, and snake bites. Shit, hold on, I'm just thinking about the awesome computer game, Oregon Trails. Never mind, disregard what I just typed.
Punxsutawney held its first Groundhog Day in the 1800s. The first official trek to Gobbler's Knob was made on February 2, 1887.
Ha, ha, they said Gobbler's Knob again.
So the story goes, Punxsutawney Phil was named after King Phillip. Prior to being called Phil, he was called Br'er Groundhog."
Well, this bit of information is clearly the only nonfactual portion of this FAQ section. I mean really, King Phillip? Who would respect, or even pay allegiance to a King Phillip? Yuck, no one, that's who. Now, a King Throat Punch, King Fightmaster, King Magnus, King Ron Swansen, or even King Darren all sound like fearless and respectable kings I'd be thrilled to throw my support behind and ride into battle with. Pay homage to a King Phillip? Yeah right. I'd rather own a groundhog that will eventually eat my face when I reach the ripe old age of 94, presumably directly after winning a pizza eating contest.
Since my research resulted in zeroes worth of knowledge, I will share with you a video clip of the greatest Groundhog Day movie EVER, starring the ever-amazing, Bill Murray! My brother and I make it a point to get drunk and watch this cinematic classic every year on February 2. Enjoy! Ned Ryerson—Bing!
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Posted by ScapeGoat Ink at 2/2/2012 11:25 AM 
Categories: Booze Holiday, Off the Drunken Path
Tags: Groundhog Day Schoolhouse Rock knowledge is power journalism Punxsutawney Phil Punxsutawney PA groundhog.org February 2 King Phillip Groundhog Day the movie Bill Murray Tom Skilling
Categories: Booze Holiday, Off the Drunken Path
Tags: Groundhog Day Schoolhouse Rock knowledge is power journalism Punxsutawney Phil Punxsutawney PA groundhog.org February 2 King Phillip Groundhog Day the movie Bill Murray Tom Skilling
Challenge: what does groundhog taste like?
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That's an interesting question, Link. I'd have to surmise that groundhog, since it's part of the rodent family, would have to taste like Dodongo's nut sack...or chicken. But definitely one or the other.
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