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Support Our Team, Mary's Friends, at the 2012 Arthritis Walk

ScapeGoat Ink — Tue, 15 May 2012 22:01:13 GMT

This Saturday, May 19, I'm participating in the 2012 Arthritis Foundation Walk in Chicago. I've joined the team, Mary's Friends, which was started by Jackie Krol in memory of her sister, Mary, who was afflicted with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). The Arthritis Foundation recently forwarded an email to all of its participants, which I'd like to share with my readers below.

I’m walking for those who can’t…

I’m participating in the #1 nationwide event dedicated to the prevention, control and cure of arthritis--The 2012 Arthritis Walk--and it takes place this weekend! The Arthritis Walk supports the 50 million adults and more than 300,000 children who suffer from arthritis pain and disability.

The Arthritis Foundation helped put a face on the 300,000 children who suffer day in and day out when they announced Liberty and Amelia Shultz as the 2012 Arthritis Walk Youth Honorees. At the ages of 2 and 3 respectively, these sisters are battling juvenile arthritis. The Shultz family has faced more than their share of heartache as they watched their toddlers learning to crawl, taking their first steps--these major milestones should never be filled with so much pain. It’s simply unacceptable to the innocent children or their parents who feel helpless against the disease.

That’s why I’m participating in the Arthritis Walk this weekend. To make a difference. To help get us one step closer to a pain-free future--and a cure!

Here’s how you can help:

I’d love it if you joined me! Click here to sign up to walk with me--together we can walk on behalf of those who suffer pain with every step they take.
Make a donation to support me. I have a fundraising goal that I hope to meet before the day of the Arthritis Walk and time is running out! Please help me meet my goal.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you'd like, click here to donate to me, or click here to donate to our team, Mary's Friends. So far our seven-member team has done a great job, but as of this posting we're still $280 shy of our overall goal. We have until Friday, May 18, to continue to collect donations, so please spread the word and help us out. Thank you so much!

Click here and "like" us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. You can also leave us a comment below or shoot us an email at contactus@scapegoatink.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

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Happy Mother's Day!

ScapeGoat Ink — Sun, 13 May 2012 14:05:23 GMT

Mom, if I were a smarter man or musically inclined, I would have personally written this song for you; however, I am neither of those things, so I've enlisted the help of a talented Biologist, Adam Cole, to help pay tribute to you and all the mothers out there today on your special day with, "A Biologist's Mother's Day Song."

As I sit down at my desk with a freshly poured Guinness beside me, I'm reminded of all the things that you've done for me, mom. Instead of writing paragraph after paragraph of praise, I've decided instead to make a list. Since I'm drunk right now and you'll undoubtedly be drunk when you read this, it'll be easier on both of us.

Thank you...
-for letting me drink before I was of legal age; yes, I'm referring to while I was still in your womb.
-for playing Broadway musicals incessantly during my childhood, so much so that I find myself randomly belting out lines from musicals in public, such as, "Cats," "Les Misérables," "Starlight Express," "Miss Saigon," "Man of La Mancha," and "Jesus Christ Superstar," to name a few.
-for forcing us to do yard work and garden on Mother's Day because, even though we complained every minute and tried to weasel our way out of doing it, I actually don't mind it and kind of appreciate the beauty of it all.
-for making me fetch you ice-cold beers from the fridge throughout my childhood, which so obviously stinted the growth of my hands, but also made it exceptionally easy to find gloves that fit. Sometimes I shop in the women's section...because I can.
-for instilling a solid sense of right and wrong within me. So much so that when I did something wrong I would self punish with a spoonful of liquid soap before you or even God found out about it.
-for helping me realize that even though I had a few medical setbacks when I was younger that I was no different than anyone else and could actually be a very active little dude.
-for making me love animals and furry creatures as much as you and almost as much as St. Francis, the patron saint of animals. I'm still not keen on wearing hair shirts, though.
-for showing me what it means to love someone. Even though I totally don't get your attraction to "The Accountant" that you claim is my "father," since it's so very obvious that my real father is a famous black athlete.
-for dressing me up like a dandy when I was too small to know any better because you thought it was funny and, well, you could.
Wait, I retract that last one. Not cool, Mom; not cool at all.
-for teaching me proper hygiene and making sure I was never the "smelly" kid in school.
-for NOT breastfeeding me until I was five years old.
-for making sure that I had everything I ever needed and more growing up.
-for genetically passing on the Irish Iron liver.

I know that this list doesn't even scratch the surface and I'm sure I could continue on, but I don't want your already sizable Irish head to get any bigger than it already is, lady. I'm just kidding...sort of. Here's to you, you wonderful woman and Happy Mother's Day! Now let's go do some yard work so we have an excuse to get hammered later!

If you enjoyed Cole's Mother's Day song, he also crafted a wonderfully insightful St. Patrick's Day song, "(A Biologist's) St. Patrick's Day Song," which I posted previously.

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The Last of the Graduates--Indiana University 2012

ScapeGoat Ink — Sat, 12 May 2012 19:27:12 GMT

If you're looking to hire a Spanish-speaking graphic designer, you're in luck. My little sister, O-Tang, is finally all grown up! This past weekend she was part of Indiana University's graduating class of 2012. She graduated from the college of Arts and Sciences with a Bachelors degree in graphic design and Español (that's Spanish for Spanish).

Photo courtesy of Indiana University's official Web site.

We awoke early Saturday morning to make the 4-hour trek to Bloomington, IN for O-Tang's graduation from Indiana University. My older sister, Angry Bee, drove while alcoholic girlfriend and I passengered. Naturally, I sat shotgun because I was the one holding the shotgun gingerly on my lap. It was my job to ensure the peace on our long drive. I wasn't hesitant to pump any yellow bellied, law breaking ingrate full of lead. Lucky for them, we had no problems; unfortunately for me, my trigger finger stayed itchy the entire trip. In hindsight, it may have been my allergy to rifles that made my finger itch, but nonetheless we remained safe for the duration of the trip.

When we arrived it was a balmy 80+ degree day. The heat and humidity were relentless. I made the mistake of wearing dark dress slacks and a long-sleeve, button-down shirt. If I were a smarter man, which I am not, I would have gone with a loin cloth and a thermo-cooling backpack filled with Hi-C's refreshing Ecto Cooler juice because it's both enjoyable to drink and cooling to the soul. The reason I regret my outfit choice (Just stay cool, maybe no one will notice that you just referred to your shirt and pants as an "outfit." If you remain calm you might even be able to fool your readers into thinking that all grown men refer to their clothes as "outfits.") is because we had a bit of a trek from my sister's apartment to the graduation ceremony, which was being held at the assembly hall 16 miles away. I'm lying; it was more like a brisk 22 miles.

Luckily, on our walk through the parking lot, either through divine intervention or the mere fact that to every passers by I looked as if I was having a massive heart attack while simultaneously giving birth to a sweat baby, a kind gentleman by the name of Tom offered to give our posse a ride in his pimp wagon (a.k.a. golf cart). He was pleasant enough and carted us right to the door of the assembly hall while spouting off random facts about the college and its campus. I was too busy trying to catch my breath and cursing myself for choosing the seat right above the exhaust pipe, which was sputtering hot fumes all over me. However, the ride was much appreciated. In fact, Tom, if you're reading this you're a saint; a flippin' saint, Tom. Lauren quickly departed from the group to join an even larger group of her fellow classmates who were making their way to the opposite side of the building. We proceeded to join the mass of sweaty people all clamoring to find a seat in the stands.

On the plus side, there was A/C blasting; however, after enough warm-bodied people filed into the stadium the once cool air now felt more like a heavyset child breathing down the back of my neck. We were sitting in the nose-bleed section, but the action was being broadcast on the JumboTron, and by action I mean long-winded speakers wearing funny hats and ridiculous scarves. It was kind of like being at a Harry Potter convention, only slightly less cool. At one point I became fixated on the idea that if asked to stand, I would struggle to my feet, pass out, and swan dive into the rows below us taking out dozens of unsuspecting occupants. I chuckled to myself, but then the more I thought about it the more I truly wondered how many people I could take out if I "fell." What I pictured was similar to what elevated bowling would be like--I'd be the ball and all the unsuspecting people below me would be the pins--if there were such a thing. Obviously I'd have to get a strike (at least 10 humans) my first time out because logically how many times can I fling myself down stadium seats before I was too severely concussed to continue. The more I thought about it the more I chuckled to myself. The mere idea of human bowling was enough to sustain me well into the opening ceremony.

We discovered via text that while O-Tang was making her way to the ceremony she lost, or someone stole, her red sash that was to accompany her gown. Although it was an unfortunate mishap, it did make finding her among the sea of black-and-red, gown-wearing hopefuls a tad easier. It took some searching, but it was a pleasant distraction from the large woman with the fat knees sitting behind who was so obviously afflicted by loud-talking disease and odor issues. After a while it became a sort of game reminiscent of Martin Handford's three-book series, Where's Waldo? Lauren was the elusive Waldo. I was able to locate a woman wearing a brightly colored jumpsuit, snorkeling goggles, a cane, and what looked like a magic scroll before we finally pinpointed her exact location. Once we found her and made our location known to her we were back to listening to the reminiscences of the President of Indiana University, Michael A. McRobbie.

As I was drifting back to my human bowling invention, a most unexpected special guest was introduced: The Doctor of Music--Booker T. Jones. For those of you unsure who that is (shame on you), Google Booker T. & the M.G.'s, "Green Onions." If you still don't know who that is then you're probably a terrorist and should throw yourself off a bridge. I had no idea that Booker T., or Dr. Jones as I now like to refer to him as, went to college, let alone graduated from IU. In addition, he made the decision to go to college AFTER he (and the M.G.'s, of course) cut "Green Onions." He could have easily continued touring and making great music--and money--but, instead he chose an education, to the chagrin of his fans and some of his contemporaries. I won't chronicle his entire speech except to say that it was inspiring. He concluded with the fact that if you didn't graduate from IU your diploma is about as meaningful as gutter trash. All right that may have been a slight exaggeration, but Dr. Jones did make me wistful for my college days, not just to go back to college, but to go to IU and do it better this time around.

As I looked across the stadium at the black speck that was my little sister, I realized how proud and sad I felt. I remember when my sister was but a miniature human wearing her tight, spandex shorts with "Mexico" scrawled down the leg. For some reason they were her favorite shorts. They were hideous and unflattering. I remember when she used to break into mine and my brother's bedroom to go through our stuff and when she'd get caught by my mom she'd put our clothes on and try to convince her that she was in fact my brother or myself. She used to be terrified of vomit, especially movie puke scenes. She couldn't watch the movie Stand by Me until she was in high school because of the pie-eating-contest scene that resulted in Lardass Hogan spewing purple all over the crowd. If you haven't seen it, refer to my above comment about anyone who doesn't know the music of Booker T. & the M.G.'s.

Now she's all grown up. She just graduated from college and she's about to start the next chapter of her life and I couldn't be more proud of her, nor can I wait to see where she'll end up. I hope she does better than her older, unemployed, alcoholic brother, but then again I did not graduate from IU, so that obviously gives her a leg up. To sample from Dr. Suess's Oh, the Places You'll Go!, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." Today, I raise my glass to you O-Tang. Good luck and I'm proud of you. Pops, I raise a second glass to you for putting yourself and four children through college. Eventually I hope to repay you in riches, until that day you can bank on O-Tang repaying you for all of us. After all, she DID graduate from IU.

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"What's Your Drink Horoscope?" Article Review

ScapeGoat Ink — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:28:49 GMT

Happy Friday! It has been a long time since I've tickled the plastic keys so I thought I would start back up with an article review. Actually it's a slideshow and, you guessed it, TheDailyMeal.com is at it again. If you're unfamiliar with that particular Web sites previous work, click here. The title of the slideshow is, "What's Your Drink Horoscope?" Before I get started I would like to point out the minor misstep the author made by failing to combine the words, "Drink" and "Horoscope" to create the ever-clever hybrid, "Drinkoscope." Not a fan? No worries, after you finish the initial slideshow, which I've copied word-for-word below, sans the delightful stock photos used to illustrate (or distract from the bad content), you'll appreciate my word combo. Since I had a few things to say about this slideshow, I've put my comments below the original content in italics.

Note: Since the extent of my astrological knowledge is about as vast as my knowledge of tampoons, I referred to the astrological Web site, Universal Psychic Guild, which was written by Athena Starwoman (sounds like an authoritative resource to me) to help fill in my gaps. I also have to give credit where credit is due, so thank you to the tone-deaf, Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores for completing my zodiac education. I now feel I am fully prepared to write authoritatively on all things zodiac related.

"What's Your Drink Horoscope?"
Written by ashamed anonymous author; commented in italics by ScapeGoat Ink.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorns are practical, prudent, careful, and reserved. In other words, if they do go for a wild night out, you can bet they're sipping plenty of water between drinks. Additionally, Capricorns, with their penchant for pessimism, don't always make for the best company after overly imbibing. The best drink for a Capricorn, therefore, is a nice, crisp glass of pinot grigio, which can be happily sipped in moderation all evening.

Oh no they didn't Capricorns. Did this slideshow just call all of you irritable light weights that are about as much fun to hang out with as a bag of lice? It also seems pretty harsh to don all of you pinot drinkers. By this slideshows assessment, Capricorns, we most certainly will never be friends. Never fret, according to Athena Starwoman, of the Universal Psychic Guild, "Although many Capricorns are borderline workaholics, this doesn't necessarily make them dull or gloomy!" Oh thank God, I hate sharing a bottle of pinot with grumpy Gus's.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The perfect drink for wild, eccentric, ambitious Aquarius? Tequila, obviously, in all of its glorious forms: shots, mixed up in margaritas, stirred with orange juice and grenadine, whatever. But the best way for them to drink tequila is with a strong, spicy twist of jalapeño, because unpredictable and intractable Aquarians have a kick.

Wow that's some high praise. It certainly sounds like The Fifth Dimension was right, "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius." Apparently Aquarians also have iron bellies because I'm not sure how many other people can power through shot after shot of tequila with a twist of jalapeño without burning a hole in their stomachs the night before and a hole in their pants the morning after. Have fun sharting fire all day, Aquarians! Unfortunately for the author, Starwoman has a different take on this sign, which she explains, "Aquarians are the zodiac's most mysterious and unusual people--and no two are anything alike." So to say that Aquarians perfect drink is tequila is a bit like making a wild assumption like just because you dressed your cat up in tiny doll-like clothes, bought a theater ticket for it, and assured the usher that this is your small, hairy child that it's acceptable for the usher to let you both in, even if it is to see the Broadway musical, Cats.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces are sensitive, selfless, kind, and maybe a little bit unworldly, at times. In other words, the human equivalent of a White Russian. Delicious, sweet, comforting, homey.

Wow, somebody hates Pisces. It took three sentences to conclude that we're chubby, book-reading pansies who crave sweets and love napping. I detect that the author may have been jilted by a Pisces and was channeling their brokenhearted past. Take a seat, Starwoman, I've got this one. At first, I wasn't too offended because if White Russians are good enough for Lebowski than they are certainly good enough for me. However, to have the shortest write-up and to say nothing about our rugged good-looks, hilarious sense of humor, and well-endowed packages is just insulting. The Dude does NOT abide. Furthermore, nameless author, I hope two men break into your apartment and piss on your rug.

Aries (March21-April 19)
People under the sign of Aries are adventurous, dynamic, and pioneering. They love to try new things, and aren't afraid to experiment, which is why this whole mixology renaissance has been amazing for them. Lillet? Fernet? Barrel-aged cocktails? Whatever unique cocktail is on the menu, Ariens are up for trying it. They're pretty awesome like that.

If I was a betting man, odds are the author's an Aries. I also find it curious that of all twelve of the zodiac signs, Aries is the only one that doesn't have a specific drink to describe them, but instead they have "unique cocktails." Yeah that seems fair. Starwoman says this about the sign, "Aries can be a confusing sign because there is a complex combination of very strong masculine and feminine expressions all combined together." Well, author, you can have your plethora of cocktails, maybe they'll help you cope with the fact that you're more than likely going to develop man-boobies, or a vagina-sack later in life. Enjoy your confusing body!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taureans are warmhearted, friendly people who enjoy good company, and convivial nights with close friends. They're not ones for crazy adventures, change, or fads just good times. They do, however, appreciate life's little luxuries. In other words, they like to drink the good stuff. The perfect drink for a Taurus, therefore, is a nice glass of scotch (Glenfiddich, perhaps?), to be enjoyed in a room full of old friends.

What do I know about this sign? Absolutely nothing. I do, however, know it's a great car made by Ford. I actually used to own a '05 in Teige (Tan/Beige). It was the first car I ever owned. I loved that car. I'd still love that car if it hadn't been totaled in 2011 by some impatient woman making a left turn into oncoming traffic. I happened to be the oncoming traffic that day. Luckily, no one was seriously injured, including alcoholic girlfriend who was sitting shotgun at the time, although we were taken to the hospital. Oh, I forgot to mention that the woman didn't have insurance either. Oh yeah, and immediately after the accident she started yelling, "Why were you going so fast?!" I suppose she's right, the speed limit is a bit TOO fast sometimes. We still get weekly calls from creditors about our unpaid medical bills, which were supposed to be the responsibility of the guilty party; however, in this instance, it apparently pays to be uninsured.

Man, after that story I sure could go for two fingers of Glenlivet, but since I'm a Pisces, I guess I'll settle for a White Russian on this warm day. On a positive note, AG's sister, mini lobes, just happened to have a spare '04 Taurus lying around that she's currently letting us borrow. So, I'm keeping the Taurus streak alive and well. Holler!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini are known for being at ease in all social situations they're flirtatious, extroverted, quick, and clever. In other words, they're... bubbly. (See where we're going here?) Obviously, the perfect drink for effervescent Geminis is a flute of prosecco, sipped between conversations, while holding court at a party.

This description sounds like a blurb from Sex and the City. By the way, does anyone else think that show should have simply been titled, "Whores"? According to Starwoman, "Terminally curious and sometimes even mischievous, Gemini's are multi-faceted souls who enjoy knowing a little bit of everything but generally not too much about one particular subject. It's just that variety is the spice of their lives!" Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like Gemini's would be better suited with unique cocktails than Aries would be, am I right?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers are basically a roller coaster of emotions. They're wonderfully loving and imaginative, but also moody, clingy, and... sort of dramatic? In other words, Cancers lead passionate, dramatic lives, and what better liquid supplement to passionate, dramatic lives than red wine? Probably something Italian, like a chianti, or a barbera, something you can both raise your glass with and cry into, depending on the mood.

Wow, that's pretty rude. I'd be moody too if I had Cancer. Not cool, author, not cool at all.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos are generous, warmhearted, faithful, and creative. What better drink for them, then, than versatile Dutch gin (Genever)? This juniper-flavored drink is the oldest variety of gin, and has been keeping people warm and jovial for centuries. Best of all, its an alcohol that lets Leos be endlessly creative in its consumption, as it can be mixed into almost any cocktail, yet is equally good sipped alone.

Although I maintain that using an astrological sign to decide what a person drinks is insane, I will say that I'm not entirely deterred by the decision of gin for Leos. My mom is a Leo and if lions were alcoholics, she'd be the king of the drunk jungle, or drungle, if you will. When I lived at home my mom and I used to have Martini Friday's when I'd get home from work. We'd basically drink martinis and talk about how amazing we were. The evening would usually conclude the same way: we'd get drunk; we'd realize we were actually SO amazing that it might be hindering our successes in life, and dinner would usually consist of the olives sitting in the bottom of our glasses. No, I don't think gin had anything to do with our shortcomings.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are wonderful people, but they can be a little... meticulous. Analytical. Modest. In other words, they're not the ones who are going to be slamming back body shots at the bar. The best drink for intelligent and practical Virgos is a gin and tonic. No fuss, no messy ingredients, no extra calories. Just a classic, to-the-point drink.

To list gin twice in a 12 drink list seems lazy, but to list one right after the other seems supremely slothful. Why not just type a few random keystrokes, or just mash your hand down on the keyboard a couple times and call it a night. Although a gin and tonic is a classic and refreshing drink, I call shenanigans on your choice for Virgos. My older brother and part-owner of ScapeGoat Ink, Vincent Grey, (a.k.a. Donnie Wahlberg from The Sixth Sense), and my little sister, O-Tang (her arms are stupid long and she drinks Tang like she's trapped in space), who, although given totally different monikers look identical to one another, are both Virgos. Do you know what they drink at the bar? Body shots. Always body shots. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, they won't drink anything at the bar unless a person is attached to it. Looks like another fail, slideshow author.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Even in the worst of times, Libras generally seem to have their act together. They're easygoing, urbane, and peaceful. The type of people you can invite to a party and not worry about. You know they'll make conversation and have a perfectly good time, without too much baby-sitting. Totally reliable, just like a martini, which, coincidentally, is the perfect drink for a Libra. Straight up.

What? Are you insane?! Sorry, I just wanted to type that at some point during this article review. First of all, if the author is talking about a proper martini (gin not vodka) then this is the third gin drink they've listed in a row. I know TheDailyMeal.com usually churns out literary muck reminiscent to the pink sludge that was recently discovered in our meat products, but this is getting ridiculous. Although, now thinking about it further, I'll assume they're referring to the bastardized vodka version. Listen, I have no problem with vodka, it can clean a bathroom floor wonderfully. It's OK, I can joke like that because I'm dating a Pollo...um, I mean a Polish-American. All I ask is that people have respect for the classics. If you're going to remove the one ingredient that defines a drink, then have the common decency to at least rename it. Just because it's poured into the same glassware doesn't mean it's the same drink.

My dad is a Libra although according to this slideshow he should be a Scorpio. Guess what he does? He drinks anything that can be drunk from a bottle or poured directly into a glass. He doesn't believe in mixing because he's a purist, that is unless someone else makes it for him, then he'll drink anything. I once saw him drink Brandy Alexanders out of galoshes because someone else made it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpios are determined, forceful, and powerful. Also, they can get jealous and obsessive, which is why they probably shouldn't overindulge in alcohol. But when they do, a nice glass of whiskey, neat, should do the trick.

Wow, three sentences again, huh? Looks like Scorpio joins the ranks with Pisces as another ex-lover of the author. Wait, I wonder if perhaps the previously mentioned Pisces cheated on the author, who is so obviously a unique-cocktail-drinking Aries, with a Scorpio? The author couldn't cope with the heartbreak, so she/he secretly wrote this slideshow to get back at both of them. Well, she/he really showed those two signs who is a strong, independent man/woman. Also, I think it's humorous that the author says that Scorpios shouldn't overindulge in alcohol, yet their drink of choice is whiskey. You know what drink I would give someone who shouldn't overindulge? I'd give them something that is easily consumed and can turn a person into a monster. Good call, author, really smart choice.

By the way, my older sister, Angry Bee (She doesn't just get angry, she gets Angry Bee angry) is a Scorpio, although sometimes she acts like a total Libra, if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge). She rarely drinks martinis because they make her, well, ANGRY. However, now that she's a mother of two miniature humans she subscribes to the same parenting method as our mother used when raising us: drink until the kids seem likable again. Obviously with our mom we never attained the "likable" status, which explains her tiny, little, blackened liver. I'm pretty sure Angry Bee is venturing down the same path as well.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarians are freedom-loving, honest, and straightforward they enjoy the simple things in life. No frilly, fancy drinks for them; they prefer something drawn right out of the keg at a friendly bar, preferably an IPA. (Or a simple cranberry vodka, for the Sagittarians who don't like beer.) They'll drink anything that they can order at bars of all calibers, without having to think about it too much.

I have a feeling that the author was trying to use beer as a last ditch effort here to establish a connection with the reader. And, what better way to attempt that than mentioning the overrated and ever-trendy IPA. Fail. As far as cranberry vodka, I'll withhold from imbibing that unless I develop a severe urinary tract infection.

With that said, I will leave you with the musical styling of the Astrological King, Harvey Sid Fisher and his dancing whores. Have a wonderful Friday and remember if you write a poorly crafted slideshow, I will find you. Note: I'm looking directly at TheDailyMeal.com.

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Case of the Monday's: Step Brothers

ScapeGoat Ink — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 21:17:15 GMT

My parent's St. Patrick's Day party was a success. It may have helped that we had perfect weather, plenty of ice-cold beers to go around, and friends and family to share it with. In the nines years that they've been hosting this fine event, the weather was by far the most cooperative it has ever been. It was so beautiful that the party actually spilled over into Sunday and replaced what should have been a hefty hangover with another delightful day of cold drinks, good laughs, and eventually pizza. It's safe to say that this is close to what I envision heaven to be like, only instead of getting our own drinks we'd all have personal robot butlers to make and serve us drinks. My robot butler would have a huge handlebar mustache, of course I'd force him to wear a hairnet while making me drinks, and his name would be Gentleman Harry.

Unfortunately, after a great weekend like that it somehow makes Monday's feel that much rougher. I suppose postponing my hangover for today instead of allowing it to ruin my Sunday may have had a little something to do with it; however, I can't think of a better day to feel like someone removed my eyes and shoved a piping hot branding iron into my skull then what started out to be a gloomy Monday. Luckily the weather is turning around, so by the time you leave for your commute home you'll get a nice blast of sun and the knowledge that Monday is behind you and it's only going to get better as each day puts you a step closer to the weekend. Since you still spent your Monday working, here's the entire gag reel from the hilarious movie, Step Brothers, starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. I watched this movie last night while I was fighting off my hangover with more cocktails and I actually laughed so hard someone else peed my pants. Enjoy!

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Happy St. Patrick's Day 2012!

ScapeGoat Ink — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 17:22:05 GMT

Well, I'm drunk and a happy St. Patrick's Day to you too! I'll keep this brief because the more I type the more all of you have to read and the less time we'll have to booze. This video clip was sent to me by my pocket-size Cananadadian (Read it really fast five times, trust me it gets funnier), so I figured I'd share it with all of you. The musician is Adam Cole and the song is, (A Biologist's) St. Patrick's Day Song. Enjoy, and remember, you may not be Irish 364 days out of the year, but today you're as green as the rest of us! Oh, and I'll bet you $100 you won't be able to lock eyes with the singer, not once. If you claim you can, you need to drink more, liar.

Until March 17, 2012 ScapeGoat Ink is offering FREE shipping on all our t-shirts. Plus, if you haven't already, please click here and "like" us on Facebook and you'll automatically be entered to win a FREE t-shirt. We need to reach 317 "likes" by March 17, 2012. If you've already shown us love, don't worry, you're still eligible to win a FREE t-shirt, too. Also, you can follow us on Twitter @ScapeGoatInk. We look forward to hearing from you!

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Winter Weekend Happenings: St. Patrick's Day Weekend Edition

ScapeGoat Ink — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 00:21:20 GMT

As you may have gathered from my St. Patrick's Day countdown, which started 60 days out, I get pretty jazzed up (yes, I'm subsequently doing Jazz hands right now) about this holiday and I can't believe we're merely a day away from Irish whiskey fountains and dark pools of chilled Guinness colliding in my belly. My only goal for tonight is to not over-anxiously drink myself into a stupor and ruin what is undoubtedly going to be glorious day tomorrow. Or, maybe, just maybe, I should start drinking now and just continue on through tomorrow? I think I might be on to something.

My parent's, for the last nine years in a row, have hosted a St. Patrick's Day party, which has ranged from fun to blackout fun to "What happened last night, and where the heck are my kidneys?!" fun. One year a guest may or may not have drunkenly toppled into the upstairs bathtub and decided to make that their "nest" for the rest of the evening. That guest may or may not have been me. Regardless, I realize that I've got my drunken festivities planned for tomorrow, but some of you poor souls may not. So, here's a list of options from Time Out Chicago, originally posted in #Chicago blog by Christopher James Palafox, so plan accordingly. I cut a few options because they were already past or they involved running, which is just silly...unless a panther is chasing you then it's just plain smart. And remember, EVERYONE'S Irish on St. Paddy's Day, so go forth and enjoy!

Dyeing the Chicago River
In order to match that tall glass of Green Beer you’re imbibing, this privately-funded tradition transforms the Chicago River into a shimmering Kelly green. Using a secret Eco-friendly formula, the local Plumbers Union make over the river to the chagrin of blue lovers everywhere. Primo spectator spots are located at the intersection of Michigan Ave, Wacker Dr., and the river. 399 N Columbus Dr (312-942-9188, greenchicagoriver.com). Mar 17 at 10am; free.

St. Patty’s Crawl Chicago
This crawl is back for its 15th year and its biggest party yet. Originally hosted in friends’ apartments, this pub crawl has become the elder statesman of St. Patrick’s Day drinking. Excalibur, 632 N. Dearborn St. (312-266-1944, stpattyscrawlchicago.com). Mar 17 at 9:30am; $45 wristband includes open bar.

St. Patrick’s Day Parade
As luck would have it; this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade will actually be celebrated on the titular holiday and not the Saturday preceding it. The 57th occurrence of this Chi-town tradition can be seen as a heralding of spring, as we say “buh-bye” to cold weather and hello to less cold weather. The parade offers a chance to celebrate yours and others inner-Irish—whether you’re full-blooded or as Irish as a box of Lucky Charms. 300 E. Balbo Dr. (312-421-1010, chicagostpatsparade.com). Mar 17 at noon; free.

St. Patrick’s Festival
The Irish American Heritage Center celebrates traditional and contemporary Irish culture with this post-parade fest. Irish musicians Tim O’ Shea and Patrick Buckley join Chicago Irish acts for music, dance, food and even children’s activities at this family friendly event. Irish American Heritage Center, 4626 N. Knox Ave. (773-282-7035, irish-american.org). Mar 17 at 1pm; $15, advance $12, children under 13 free.

Now, if you're like me and you already have a party you're attending tomorrow, but need ideas on what to bring, click here. Alcoholic girlfriend's sister, mini lobes, was kind enough to post that link on ScapeGoat Ink's Facebook fan page, which details 11 recipes that involve Guinness. Mmm, boozy food. All right, well now I'm severely parched and craving some libations. You know what, a few beers won't hurt. See you on the green side everybody. Sláinte!

To read all my St. Patrick's Day posts, which started at 60 days and continued on to 50 days. Then The Leprechauns rang in 37 days with their rendition of, "Oh Danny Boy." And finally, Shane MacGowan, of Pogues legend, lent his drunken yet angelic vocals to ring in 30 days.

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Harpoon Celtic Ale Review

ScapeGoat Ink — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 23:05:38 GMT

This week has been unseasonably warm to the point where I just showered, yet I feel like I'm now bathing in my own sweat while typing this. I'm sweating from typing!? No, Mom, I'm sure it's not because I'm lazy, overweight, and subscribe to the self-invented Pizza Diet. I know, it's March and it's beautiful out. I'm not complaining about the weather, my pasty body just hasn't adapted to "summer" mode yet because it's still waiting for spring, well, actually winter too I suppose. Anyway, since St. Patrick's Day is in two days, I figured I'd review a beer that was both perfect for the celebration this weekend, but also went well with the warmer weather.

ScapeGoat Ink Reviews Harpoon Celtic Ale

Harpoon Celtic Ale is an Irish-style red, which means it is generally a slightly sweet, malty ale. The notable reddish hue comes from the use of small amounts of dark or roasted grains. I personally enjoy reds, especially when the weather starts to change from cold to warm because it's a nice alternative to the heavy, darker beers I'm used to drinking. When poured into a pint glass this beer has a nice, deep amber color to it with a quality head. From the bottle it smelled a little like what it might smell like if a Heineken had mated with a brown ale and created a new hybrid. Luckily it didn't taste like that (whatever that would have tasted like). It has a nice light, crisp flavor to it. It's not as rich as the other Irish-style reds that I'm used to drinking, like Killian's for example; however, it delivers a nice clean flavor.

This beer would be perfect for a warm spring or summer day. Unfortunately, this red is a seasonal brew and is only available from January to March. On the plus side, the weather outside and what's slated for this weekend are perfect conditions for this beer. Regrettably the more I drink this beer the less I enjoy it. Granted, if I had a six pack, I could be persuaded to continue on, but alas this was a single bottle gifted by my parents for my 30th birthday. Don't fret, they bought me 29 more beers outside of this one, which were provided to me in a traveling case, or a cooler as some of you may be accustomed to calling it.

Now back to this beer, to quote the venerable Hans Götman, "If I wanted to drink water, I would have ordered a light beer." This is by no means a bad beer; it's light and has a clean flavor to it, I just wish it had a little more to it. Perhaps, like my over-sized sweat factory (my body) not being accustom to the warm weather yet, my taste buds haven't made the leap to lighter beers yet either? This is a beer that would pair nicely with my Beer Step Program (copyright pending). What's that, you ask? You start the night with really good, flavorful beer and enjoy it to the fullest. Once you're slightly toasted you progress--or step--down to a slightly lower quality, or less flavorful, beer. Why? Because once you start to get drunk you don't appreciate the good and presumably more expensive beers as much, so might as well save some coin and make the transition down. By the end of the night you're drinking absolute swill, but you're hammered and happy so it really doesn't matter anyway. Boom. Beer Step Program.

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Classic Beer Commercial #4: Guinness

ScapeGoat Ink — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 22:17:58 GMT

In honor of St. Patrick's Day being only three days away, I thought this 1993 commercial would be the perfect way to pay homage to the greatest beer and the best drinking holiday, as well as give a nod to a prolific actor who has starred in over 100 films, many of which are now considered cinematic gold.

Rutger Hauer, considered by some as the Dutch Paul Newman, has made a career out of playing action heroes and sinister villains. He's probably best known as Roy Batty, the leader of the renegade Nexus-6 replicant group, in the cult-classic, Blade Runner. If you haven't seen this movie, stop reading this post and go watch it immediately. He's also had roles in the comic-book classics, Sin City and Batman Begins, as well as The Rite. He recently wrapped, Hobo with a Shotgun, last year. I haven't seen this film yet, but if it's as good as the teaser on IMDb.com makes it sound, you better believe it's high on my list of movies featuring vengeful hobos, "A homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun." Um, yes, please!

A couple of Rutger's less critically acclaimed films include Blind Fury, where he stars as, Nick Parker, a blind and furious man. This movie is worth watching if only to see Parker use the hidden sword in his walking stick to slice a man in half. It was based on a true story. I just made that up. He also starred as Lothos in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Lothos was the king of vampires, which is a title I just dubbed him now. Either way, I'd let Lothos bite me because then Luke Perry and I could hangout, party, and hit on all the Vamp chicks together. Being a vampire doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Now, let me continue to the guest of honor. There is no way around it, Guinness truly is pure genius. You can't have St. Patrick's Day, or even winter for that matter, without enjoying a pint (give or take ten) of the black stuff with some close friends. I know there are people out there who do not understand, nor enjoy, Guinness. I won't chastise you for not appreciating the deliciousness that's been around since the mid-1700s. Instead, I'll merely give you a smile and offer you thanks, because without people like you, there may not be enough Guinness to go around. Sláinte!

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Case of the Monday's: Got(ye) Music?

ScapeGoat Ink — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 21:56:22 GMT

Unfortunately I can't prevent Monday's from happening, but I can provide you with a little smile to help you through the day. I'm sure by now many of you have already heard music by Gotye, specifically the song, "Somebody I Used to Know." If you haven't, click here. Alcoholic girlfriend and her sister, mini lobes, introduced me to this artist and when this song isn't being sung aloud or playing in the background, it remains stuck in my head. Recently the band, Walk Off the Earth, did a cover of Gotye's song. Of course, they couldn't just cover the song in a traditional fashion, so instead the five-member band performed the song on one guitar. It's pretty amazing, click here to watch it. Yesterday, my sister, O-Tang, (She has crazy long arms like Stretch Armstrong and she loves space drinks, specifically Tang.) showed me a video clip of another band, Key of Awesome, doing a parody of Walk Off the Earth covering Gotye's "Somebody I used to know." Here is the video for your viewing pleasure. Don't worry, it's almost Tuesday.

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